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Family Matters:  The inlaws are upset with me AGAIN...  |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 05 2007 : 6:53:18 PM
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My hubby told me why just a couple of hours ago and honestly, I don't even remember why by now. Something someone said to them a while back upset them...I guess it was somehting I said even farther back...I just don't remember.
Everything ticks them off and I really don't care anymore. I told him he probably needed to just go home to them and stay there. They want him all to themselves and he just can't see it. I told him that he will never have a regular relationship due to his family interferring. Oh yes, I did. I know why his ex's (wives and girlfriends) just bailed on him but apparantally (sp?) no one has ever REALLY told WHY. He seems totally perplexed, honestly, he does. I'm not religious in the least but I told him that even the Bible says to leave your family and cleave to your wife. I get that part but he doesn't.
There is a lot of other things and it would bore you to read it but other than his family, he is the best man going, bar none. No man is better. So I suggested we part ways for a while but do nothing legal for the time being till one of us decides we really want to part ways or get back together.
Just had to vent and thanks for listening...
Winona 
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2007 : 7:02:53 PM
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Ahhh Win0na,
Y0u have had such a r0ller c0aster ride with his family. I am s0rry that it is what it is, him being a g00d guy but n0t getting the cleave t0 y0ur wife. 0ur families are imp0rtant but they are sec0ndary t0 0ur immediate family, husband and kids.
Email me anytime and vent away girl, getting it 0ff y0ur mind and heart helps y0u t0 functi0n a bit better. At least, that is my the0ry.
Hugs,
Car0l Sue
listening to the quiet moments
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
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Firemama
True Blue Farmgirl
1731 Posts
Amanda
Medical Lake
WA
USA
1731 Posts |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2007 : 8:02:31 PM
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Thank you for your thoughts. I'm just not good with relationships and even tho I try to watch out and do the right thing, it backfires. I know, I'm moaning a bit right now but I'm sort of bummed by it all. I seem to pick men who are sensitive, which is great, but it seems that sensitivity means that family plays too big a role in our lives. Happened more than once and, I'm starting to think, that maybe I just don't need to be a part of a couple.
Maybe whining is good for the soul, y'know?? I don't really have anyone to let it all out and this is about the only place...so hang in there with me and I'll get back to a good spot.
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 05:31:12 AM
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Always feel free to express yourself here, Winona. We all understand and sympathize, because so many of us have 'been there and done that'.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:27:57 AM
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Winona, I'm so sorry that things are difficult for you again. The family connections I swear are the biggest pain in the butt. Many of my friends have been through the same thing. If he wants your marriage to work, he will have to face the fact that you have to come first for him, and him for you. Maybe some time apart will help him see things clearer. I hope you can work it out. I'll be thinking of you. Vent all you want. It does the heart and soul good to get it all out.
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:32:49 AM
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Acronym definition for btdt = been there, done that?
Sorry that you're having a time of it right now, Winona. In-laws sure can get in the way of each other sometimes, can't they? Hope you and DH can figure out how to keep this chronic occurrence from affecting YOUR relationship. I wonder if his family is proud that they have successfully run off all his ex's?
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
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Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 07:45:34 AM
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Winona,
I'm new here but I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time. Have you tried counseling of any kind? Sometimes it takes a third party for someone to actually "get it".
Due to the past history with his exes you can rest assured that it's not your problem. This apparently has nothing to do with you and what kind of person you are and everything to do with controlling people who cannot let go of their adult son.
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 08:21:33 AM
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Winona, so sorry about this. I know from my past experience (ex husband was a momma's boy in the truest sense) that it can be very difficult, and he never got it. Sadly, being a momma's boy was the LEAST of his troubles and that's why HE'S an ex.
You simply can't please everyone, and the sooner you quit trying, the less frustrated you'll be. I think you just have to separate yourself from THEM, not necessarily HIM.
It will work out, I think...maybe some distance is what he needs to see what's important to him.
Wishing you the best,
J
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
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Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 11:08:07 AM
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You know, I had a boss once who used to tell his wife that "I married YOU, not your family" ... it often stopped or at least slowed some of the issues that would come up.
Jo
"Wish I had time to work with herbs all day!" |
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Kathie
True Blue Farmgirl
2436 Posts
Kathie
Thonotosassa
Florida
USA
2436 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 11:37:17 AM
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You know the REALLY bad thing here is that ... THEY.. just KEEp stirring crap up..don't they?
I mean really..you two are going along.. everything seems fine.. your getting along great.. & THEY just can't STAND it..so they have to continue to STIR things up..& get things going between the two of you yet AGAIN!
It's as if they just can't stand to see him happy with you!
WHAT is their problem!
Why can't they just accept the fact that he IS with some one..it IS YOU!
Whether they like it or not..HE IS Happy! ???
It's because HE doesn't stand his ground & tell them to back the hell off & out of his business & personal life..& to quit trying to sabotage his relation ship with you..& that he DOES NOT want to hear ANY MORE of this Nonsence!
if he would..they WOULD!
I know..tell me to piss off & mind my own business..
But this is YOUR life.. YOUR Relationship Sister..&when we see you being hurt.. It really does just twist in my gut Girl..
I'm a fighter anyway..& I HAVE to try to fix everything you know??
& I HATE that your going through this all on your own & having to deal with all of this all the time! I wish there were more that i could do..
Besides just telling you what i think..
You know how i am though.. i do say exactly what Is on my mind..so..
If You want me to hush just say so..!
But you know I have always felt that you deserve so much more..
& being happy & NOT dealing with constant balony from INLAWS Is PART of this Sweetie!!..
so.. i love ya Girl.. Hang in there!
What ever you decide you have to do..you know we are always here for you!
ok..
From Your Big Mouth Sister!
Kathie
In a World Where you Can Be Anything, Be Yourself.. |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 2:24:06 PM
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I really agree with Kathie, if he doesn't speak up and tell them to back off,then they never will. It is sad to have to choose between family and a spouse. But, sometimes it comes down to that. He needs to stand up to them and let them know he will not stand for anymore of their meddling. Again I hope things work out for you.
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 2:43:22 PM
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Winona, I am so glad that you have us to open up and share with. I just found this topic and I can feel the love going from the farmgirls to you.
I wish you love and light and peace of mind and heart as you struggle with this. ((((huggggs for Winona)))))
****************
Quilting...sewing..reading...posting...swapping. I LOVE being a FARMGIRL!
Linda in PA |
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peggysue
True Blue Farmgirl
267 Posts
Peggy
Tulsa
Oklahoma
267 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 3:01:56 PM
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i had this problem with my first marriage, i was expected to be like his mother and his sister.. by them, which didn't go over real well. i also had a similar problem in my last marriage.. he couldn't tell mama no, and she ended up moving in with us.
needless to say it didn't work real well.. and as far as i know he is still with mama. some mothers just don't think that any one is good enough for their sons..
but, you ARE good enough. stand your ground girl.
peg |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 4:57:34 PM
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Sounds like my in-laws. You know what I finally did after 18 years of enduring this kind of thing? I stopped seeing them! I told my husband that they were HIS family and I would never interfer with him being with them. However, they were not mine, they were toxic people to me, and I was having nothing to do with them anymore. I have not seen them since last Christmas and that is the last Christmas. This year my husband is going on Christmas Eve with our daughter and I'm staying home to enjoy a nice holiday.
And - my husband doesn't get it either. When I talk to him about his family he just looks at me like he's dumbfounded. The fact that his first two wives left him because of his family might be a clue!
You hang in there and stand your ground.
Visit my Etsy Shop! http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://therusticcottage.blogspot.com |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Nov 06 2007 : 9:34:27 PM
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Winona, I feel for ya gurlfriend. In fact, I know how you feel. My XH never "got it" either.
A friend told me (during my divorce) that blood is blood and wives are wives; and guys are really not sure that the wife will be with him forever so they're not willing to risk burning that family bridge by telling them to lay off the wife.
I finally realized that most of his family crap was actually jealousy towards me. And, most of the females were afraid of me because the hubby's thought I was cool and I wasn't falling over impressed by his family.
Maybe that's part of your situation. They're envious of what you and DH have accomplished on your own - without them - and they can't stand it.
Hang in there. And vent anytime. We all have stuff to let out. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 05:49:43 AM
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You guys are the best!! So many things that you posted I have thought for the longest time but he doesn't understand it. I have cut the ties and he's going to Thanksgiving by himself. He's upset with that but I just can't do another holiday with folks who don't like or care about me. I may go down to my daughters home, even for Xmas. I have wondered if they are jealous of me but can't see why.
I thought of something today that goes on...whenever I get upset about something, he says it's been a long time since anything has 'happened' and so why am I upset now?? That they are 'coming around'. They are never coming around and I think now that his family kind of causes these things to happen and then do theri best to look offended or innocent when I protest.
So, yep, I'm cutting the ties to them and doing my own thing. He can either come around MY way or not. I feel with my son, that his wife is more important to him than I should be and they understand that. I now think that if a person is tooooo close to their family, maybe they just shouldn't get married in the first place...but that's hindsight now...
Thanks for letting me vent again. For once I'm not dreading going home and having to do the 'visiting'. Whew!
Winona ;-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Nov 08 2007 : 08:27:23 AM
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My in-laws were the same way and after years of trying to make the best of it I cut all ties to them. Told my husband I was done with them and he could have any kind of relationship he wanted with them just leave me out of it. I didn't talk to them or see them for six years and during that time hubby "got it", he finally saw how they were. They were invited to our daughters wedding and from there we have slowly started to form a new relationship and it's working. So there is hope, just stand your ground and don't let TOXIC people ruin your life.
Hugs, Kathy |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:02:01 AM
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Toxic...yep, that's exactly it.
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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aimeeravae
True Blue Farmgirl
341 Posts
Aimee
Deer River
MN
USA
341 Posts |
Posted - Nov 09 2007 : 11:35:23 AM
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I had a similar situation with my xh. It hurts. You luckily realize you can't please everybody all the time. I tried. My xmil even got me to go to church. When I finally realized I wasn't "me" anymore. I took a temp. LOA. When I came back, it was love me or leave me. I left. I couldn't live with the double life. He still lets his mother make all his decidsions for him. I have to deal with her for misc. things for my son. BUT! I have given her some very tight guidelines.
Aimee
http://laplantewardklopf.blogspot.com/
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mysophia
Farmgirl in Training
13 Posts
13 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 6:14:11 PM
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gonerideing, I think its a good idea to separate yourself from this clan, believe me I know. Don't discuss it with the hubby, just stay focused on keeping the peace between the both of you only. He'll eventually get tired of hearing them gripe, and follow the peace back home to you. Men are pretty easy in that way, he'll figure out that the problem is comming from his side of the family.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
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mysophia
Farmgirl in Training
13 Posts
13 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2007 : 6:26:40 PM
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Well, my hubby stood his ground for me concerning his family, and they know all to well now, that they better watch their Ps & Qs when it comes to me. I hardly ever see any of them anymore, but when I do, their nothing but polite now.
take the narrow road, it will lead to the path of life |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2007 : 5:44:07 PM
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Well, I was ready to bail nite before last but we did yet more talking and we'll see. I'm going to TX to be with my daughters for Thanksgiving and he's coming too. But he just talked to his family and didn't mention a thing to them. Just told them we have to take a load to OH (from where we will get a load to TX). *shakes head*
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2007 : 06:09:45 AM
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Winona, I know plenty of married folks (especially second marriages) who don't subscribe to blending all the folks up--especially those who don't get along.
My step-mil, is very independent, and she doesn't necessarily care for my fil's extended family--she'll go if she has to, but typically, she makes herself unavailable for all these incidental family functions (i.e., Sunday dinners, chili suppers, get togethers because someone sneezes) because they usually result in her "offending" someone by not checking out what to bring ahead of time, or whatever benign offense they turn into a Shakespearean-sized drama. She just doesn't go, and she tells my fil she's not going to go--and he accepts it. He deep down knows his family is goofy as heck, and so, in the long run, who do you spend the most time with? Your spouse. Who could make life REALLY miserable for you at home, where you spend all your time. Your spouse. His family is like, a "minute" of his life--
She's very pragmatic, and she's not mean about it, she doesn't make him pick sides. She has her family, he has his. Sometimes he'll go to hers, sometimes she'll go to his family functions, but it's not the end of the world, I guess is what I'm trying to say, if y'all don't spend the holidays with one another (or, choose a family this year), or spend it at home together.
My feeling is some folks get it--and most don't. His family is never going to understand, comprehend or change--if you come or you don't. This is who they are. So, your "stand' so to speak, has to be for you. And, I would think, your dh would be rather relieved to NOT have to deal with the drama on both ends...just my thoughts, obviously.
"She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Family Matters: The inlaws are upset with me AGAIN... |
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The inlaws are upset with me AGAIN...
