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Family Matters:  What to do? (VERY LONG)  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 1:48:30 PM
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I know many men, including my DH, who DON'T think like this but today I had a real talk with my dad about women working/going to school and why does the taking care of the kids always fall on the mother's shoulders?. I mentioned to him that I was going to Texas in the Summer time with my DS to register for College and look around for a place to live....all on my own, as it looks like DH has to work (military). No biggie for me!! Well, my dad was like "How are you going to go to school and raise a child?" I responded that raising a child takes BOTH parents and it is no different than DH going off to work everyday, except I am going off to school everyday. Then I got the.. "Well you shouldn't have children if you can't stay home and raise them..." As in it is MY job solely to do this, as the woman. 
My parents treat me like I am some hooker (Sorry only way I can explain it) who went out and got pregnant and doesn't have a clue about life. I spent 6 years in the military earning my own money to go to college and pay for everything I own and to show my son a better future that what I had. DH and I live a rather weird lifestyle as in for the 4 years we have been together, this is the first year we have actually lived in the same place/home as each other due to our military jobs/locations. We know how to live apart and yet be together, which is very hard to explain.
My parents have come to see our DS once. They have the opportunity in June to meet me in Texas to see us and their grandson and have some fun. DH and I have been the sole caretakers for our son over the past year, no babysitters, family or friends (we have moved 3 times) and we are doing ok. How can they sit in judgement of me when they are not contributing to what they seem to know to be the solution?Some days are good ,some are bad.....that is life.
I got this weird phone call from my mom basically accusing me of planning on divorcing my husband and leaving him, being a bad mom because I want to finish my bachelor's degree and put DS in daycare and that I am not a responsible adult. WHAT??? THey have NEVER been there for me, especially since I left home 12 years ago. I have tried to reconcile, talk, understand and forgive, but at some point, I think I just need to let it be. If they choose to be a part of our lives, so be it. I cannot force them to change or try to keep that part of the family together anymore.
Actions speak louder than words with me and I have just had enough. This is not the first time for their behavior and I am to the point of just moving on and not including them in our plans. If they want to come see us, so be it...
My whole life, my friends thatI have met have been there more that any other member of my family. My whole life, I have lived against the norm of what my parents wanted or expected of me and in some way, this is just another control issue with them. They have verbally beaten my down my whole life and I have taken it for the last time. They hide all their true feelings so life looks good to the outside world but they are so messed up on the inside. My mom lives for drama as she really has had no life of her own. She slaved away for my father for 44 years and now, when she should be doing, she is living for the next drama in life yet she complains how much she hates her life.
I am trying to build a life with my DH, DS and our dog. We have beaten many battles on our own so far and without the help of my parents or other family members, who fully knew what was going on but chose to ingore it and when the solution was found, to put their 2 cents in afterwards.
I am so ready just to move on to the next exciting part of our lives. I cannot change those around me and frankly, I am tired of this whole situation. One phone call has completely messed up my entire day.
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 2:02:58 PM
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I feel so bad for you. It's easy for me to tell you not to let them drag you down and mess up your day/life. But nobody can mess with your self esteem like close relatives(my mom did that- I always called it 'the gift that keeps on giving'). You and your dh and ds seem to have coped with it and surmounted all the odds up to now, and I think you're all strong enough that nobody's going to stop you now. I always thought that with my mom, it was like: misery loves company. In other words, since her life wasn't much, she didn't want mine to be better. So, just keep on going. You seem to be headed in a direction that works for you. Good luck.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 2:17:48 PM
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@cats...I don't have kids so I can't speak to that side of things, but I can tell you that the only person you can control in life is you. You clearly seem to be on a great path, trying to improve yourself (and consequently the lives of those you love). If your parents/others can't see that, sadly, I think you'll need to let it be. You know, just because people can breed does not mean they will make good parents. Even though my parents live fairly close to us, we only see them a handful of times each year. It was a difficult thing to realize at first, but I finally came to terms with it several years ago (after a few sessions with a good therapist *LOL*) and I am truly happy with where my life is heading. I hope that you find a way to not let the negative of the phone call get to you for the remainder of the day...I always find a good place to start is by taking stock of all the good things in my life that I am thankful for.
Good luck to you! :-) |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 2:39:33 PM
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Thank you both and for anyone else who is reading this/posting.
I called DH at work and he was so upset that they did this (again). I have really decided to move on. Like you said, you can't choose your family, but I can choose my life. We will move to Texas and build our "family" there. If one thing I have learned from them, DON'T END UP LIKE THEM!! Learning by example has been a great eye opener for me and I have come to realize anytime in my life I didn't live up to their expectations, it was usually when I was living my life my way. Imagine that!!!
I learned in the military I am fully capable of doing some pretty extraordinary things and the military was the first time I ever received any acknowledgement or accolades of any sort. The people I met there are too this day some of my best friends. I made my career without the help of any family members. They did not come to my graduation from bootcamp, returning home from 2 deployments and never came to where I was stationed for 6 years. But yet, I have survived. Maybe I just need to give myself the permission to move on.
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 2:50:01 PM
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'Giving your self permission'. That's a huge lesson. Good for you. And I hope you keep us posted about your progress in school. I'd be happy to celebrate your progress! And send me an invitation to your graduation! I just may come! :D And at the very least, I'll send you a card and buy you a gift - all the farmgirls will be proud of you!
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 3:18:33 PM
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| MISS BEE HAVEN!!! You are so sweet and don't think I won't send you an invitation!!! Texas isn't that far from Kentucky!!! Thank you so much!!! I will invite all ya'll!!! YEAH FOR FARMGIRLS!!! |
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Bluewrenn
True Blue Farmgirl
1122 Posts
Erin
Texas
USA
1122 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 3:23:14 PM
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As long as it's not an issue for you or your husband, or for your son, I think moving is just another good healthy step for you. Put some distance between you and your parents. Do what you need to take care of you and your family and enjoy it. It sounds like you and your hubby have worked out a way to make this kind of lifestyle work for you. Not all folks can, but it sounds like you have. Be proud of that and forget what your parents think. (Also, remember, long distance often makes it easier to relate to our families. My sisters and I fought all the time when we lived together. Now we are the best of friends, but five or six states apart. And we talk to each other ALL the time, esp. thanks to the internet. LOL!)
That said, still keep in touch with your parents. As they get older, you will be glad that you did. Just don't take what they say personally. Know that you are a strong, healthy person with a great life and a great family.
My Homesteading Journal http://toomyvara.livejournal.com
My craft journal http://bluewrenn.livejournal.com
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Edited by - Bluewrenn on Apr 23 2007 3:24:47 PM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 3:45:05 PM
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catscharm-
I think you sound like a very intelligent and strong woman. You have chosen the person that you want to be with and you have a wonderful son. You and your husband are the only ones who can decide what is best for you and your family.
I went to day care and I like to think that I turned out just fine! :) Both of my parents work and worked through my childhood. They did this so that we could survive and have a nice life. We always made time for family time and we are a very close family.
*hugs!*
Alee |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2007 : 3:56:58 PM
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Cat,
Sending you hugs and love. I've run into similar problems in the past and I know how much it hurts you. I'm 50 now, and it still hurts me, but I live my life my way and try to be kind to my complaining, critical Mom (my dad passed last September). But all we can do is surround ourselves with the love of our immediate family and friends and not let the crazies upset us. You will be fine and so will your family. My girls went to daycare while I worked to support them and they are beautiful, productive citizens today. Be strong.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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Kim
True Blue Farmgirl
146 Posts
Kim
Pflugerville
Texas
USA
146 Posts |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 05:31:27 AM
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Cats, you are on the right track, don't let anyone confuse you. Sometimes family can be the worse and I don't know why that is but it just is sometimes. If they want to be part of it they can & you already let them know that. Do what you need to do for you & your hubby & son. Well all celebrate your good fortunes, there will be many. Hang in there, your doing great!! 
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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Kathie
True Blue Farmgirl
2436 Posts
Kathie
Thonotosassa
Florida
USA
2436 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 07:42:43 AM
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Cat Sweetie, i'm so sorry for everything that you've had to deal with.. Our families seem to do their best sometimes to do as much damage to us as they can .. intentionaly or not.. i suppose it's what makes us who we are.. & this of course is exactly why you'll come through ALL of this shining like the star that WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE!
All you have to do Is look at the family that the three of you have made together & know that yes.. you ARE on the right track!
Don't let anyone try to make you think otherwise...
Lots of love,
Kathie
In a World Where you Can Be Anything, Be Yourself.. |
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Vintage Redhead
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Kaylyn
Saint Charles
IL
USA
233 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 07:43:12 AM
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Catscharm: Well, congrats to your parents - while they may not have achieved much, they have certainly both earned advanced degrees in "Passive/Agressive Conflict"  !!
In all seriousness, though...what your parents are trying to do, as you *well know* is try to control you. If they can't control your actions, they are going to try to gain control over your thoughts and emotions. It appears to me that you have a few choices: a) when they start with their "input" lay down the law - e.g. "This subject closed for discussion." and stick to it; b) choose to discuss only *their* lives with them; c) let them call you, *do not* call them to initiate contact; d)walk away from this nonsense, shaking your head and remember that they did the best job they could and know that you can do better.
The good news is that we can all overcome bad parenting. And thankfully, you have a *great* sense of self in spite of them! ~ K
~ Kaylyn ~ (Living in Suburbia with a FARMGIRL Heart!)
My Cause: http://nickspavilion.blogspot.com/
My Life: http://vintageredhead.blogspot.com |
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 08:06:33 AM
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Hi Catscharm,
Take a very deep breath, ignore what your parents have said to you and jump in with both feet!!! I went to college later in life and my husband and (sister who also went later in life) were the only support that I received. The next time your parents mention anything negative about it, just say that "the information was meant as an announcement and not a discussion", and refused from that point on to discuss it with them. It could be a point of control but it's most likely that they don't have a clue about what you are trying to do. The only thing that I kept telling myself throughout school was - if I don't do this now, where will I be in five years? Your children will be fine and so will you and your DH. Your advantage is that you don't live very close to them. Good Luck and ignore the family.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 08:46:37 AM
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I am going to be rambling here but I had a BIG talk with DH and felt much better so this is my farmgirl therapy- and yes there is a lot of feather fluffing in this post, I need it today to help me move on...... ; )
Thank you all for your kind and helpful insight. This morning, though a bit sad, I woke up determined to move on. I have refused my whole life, or pretty much since I was around 11, to let anyone run my life. Parents are hard because, well, they are parents. But, bad is bad, no matter where it comes from. Another thing my mother has done to "control" me is send me boxes upon boxes of stuff- useless items she picks up by the hundreds at dollars stores and Walmart. She knows I have a VERY clean and clutter free house and even after telling her I do not need anything else and appreciate her kindness, she still sends it. I told her last time that 99% of what she sends gets redonated the day is arrives. She got so mad at me saying I was ungrateful and how could I do that. Also, I have about 5-6 smaller family heirlooms that I didn't want and didn't ask for but I can't get rid of them or she will have a fit. I am packing them up and sending them back to her. I am not a chotsky type of person, they don't fit my decore and I carry memories and pictures of the people I love, not stuff. This is from years of being in the military and not having room for anything. I know she is going to flip out, but so be it.
I also emailed them and told them to contact me using my cell phone that way I can screen calls. I have decided to keep limited contact, with a working number in case something happens and they need to get a hold of me. DH and I have decided not to to include them in on the plans of what we are doing, just going forward with our lives and if they feel like visiting or anything, they must initiate the contact and setting up the details. For years, we went out of our ways to visit and plan trips and we are done with the whole thing.
I know the importance of everything in my life and I have never received validation from them. I am at the point where it is about making some rather hard choices- my sanity or them. They lavish my brother and his kids and my sister with gifts, money, taking them out to eat, frequent visits and their excuse with me is I live too far away. They have been retired for 10 years- where else do they have to be? Just another guilt trip for me that I refuse to pack for anymore.
I have to say learning and school is my passion. I love to get books, study, try to get the best degree and I want my PHD someday. It can open one up to so many possibilities and new ideas.I want to show my son that he can do anything and have a positive idea of women as he grows up. My mother has always been held back by my father or a fear of what people or he will/would think. It is emotional abuse to me (gee think she passed that on....)They are so judgemental and critical and yet told me not to be like that. Lead by example I say.....
I never have fit their mold, my life has always been to follow the road that had the most fun and quirkiness to it. : )
I never got in trouble, did drugs, smoked, drank and I am considered by friends to be a kind, considerate and compassionate person. They call me "mama" at work because I am the shoulder they lean on and the one they talk too, so I know I am capable. If you look under the definition of strict in the dictionary, you will find my parents picture. Strict as in when I was 19 and went on my FIRST date and came home at 10:01, I was GROUNDED for 2 weeks and told I was a horrible, irresponsible child. When I joined the Navy, my father called me stupid and threw my papers at me. My mom's way of dealing with things is putting in her useless 2 cents with offering any actual help, waiting it out and then when things smooth over telling me she told me so and sending me a congrats or I knew you could do it card, Like she was the reason I did it or it is her way of feeling better about not helping me, but in her mind, she did.
Someone said to me at work that I should let it all go and embrace them. I have tried- NUMEROUS times!!! Yes, when they are gone, they are gone. But at some point, enough is enough. I can't spend an unforseen amount of time trying to fix things. To me, that is wasting my life and I have done enough of that. I have a family and myself to take care of.
We will go forward and build our family. I consider you all part of my family and appreciate all you have written and just this website in general. It is a positive and happy place for me to come. |
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Buttercup
True Blue Farmgirl
1433 Posts
Talitha
Vermont
USA
1433 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 08:57:21 AM
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(((HUGS))) and I am so sorry that you had that happen. I know how hard and interesting military life is...been a USMC wife for years!  But the truth is, in life all we can do is our best and we cant do our best unless we are true to ourselves, sooooo to thine own self be true!! I am so very proud of all you are doing to improve yourself and move forward! Turn stubbling blocks into stepping stones and learn from others' mistakes, make lemon-aid from lemons and all that jazz... and when that fails or doesn't do the trick...come here for hugs and support, we will be here!!! You go girl!!!!! And all the very very best to you in your studies!!
As Always,
Hugz!
Talitha
"If we could maintain the wonder of childhood and at the same time grasp the wisdom of age, what wonder,what wisdom,what life would be ours" |
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OhSoBlessed
Farmgirl at Heart
6 Posts
Renee
Pasadena
TX
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 10:05:20 AM
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Cats- I am sorry that you have to go through that. My husband and I live unconventional lives as well and are subject to quite a bit of scrutiny. I get just the opposite with his mom always asking when I will be going back to work so hubby doesn't have to work so much. We live our lives for each other and our boys and we are doing what we think is best and it is OUR decision, good or bad.
Hang in there! Breathe deep and hold tight to your sense of humor. You are doing great!!
I hope you will be in my neck of the woods, you can have an instant family, albeit a quirky one.
Renee
GRATITUDE is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. - Lionel Hampton |
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Vintage Redhead
True Blue Farmgirl
233 Posts
Kaylyn
Saint Charles
IL
USA
233 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 11:33:56 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by catscharm74
...Someone said to me at work that I should let it all go and embrace them...
Let it all go: Yes. Embrace them? Well, only if it doesn't put you in the "...line of fire..." Parents do the best they can. When they don't do the best job, we can forgive them for that. It doesn't mean that we have to be victim to the garbage and abuse they repeatedly and routinely feel entitled to level in our direction. We don't choose friends to treat us that way. So family or not, since they choose to behave that way, we choose to *not* involve ourselves with them. It isn't a matter of forgiveness. It is recognizing that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. When family repeatedly treats us like **** over an extended period of time, we must accept they inevitability that our families will not change. Since we can then only change ourselves, we can extricate ourselves from the situation to preserve our sanity. If our families choose to not like the fact that we have removed ourselves from toxic situations, that remains *their problem.*
quote:
Originally posted by catscharm74
...We will go forward and build our family...
As well you should. Find strength in what you know about yourself to be true. Seek comfort in your DH and your son. No - it isn't going to be easy. But a life worthy of discussion never is easy, is it? You are seeking a path of self-preservation and showing your son that self-esteem is one of the benchmarks to success.
Shame on your parents for not wanting to be a part of it. They really don't know what they're missing. In you, in your DH, or in their grandson. ~ K
~ Kaylyn ~ (Living in Suburbia with a FARMGIRL Heart!)
My Cause: http://nickspavilion.blogspot.com/
My Life: http://vintageredhead.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 12:35:32 PM
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Catscharm-
I think you have had to make some difficult decisions on how to deal with your parental family! You sound like such a strong individual, despite (or because of?) your past. It sounds like you and your DH are making some strong decisions for _your_ family that are positive and forward moving. You are doing awesome- finding a way for your own family and not letting others hinder you. If learning is your passion- you should follow that where ever it leads you. I doubt that there have been very many people in history that said "Yes, I ignored my passion and did everything to make others happy, and I wouldn't change a thing!" More often than not you hear people bemoaning that fact that they did not follow their dreams/passions when they had the chance!
*hugs!*
Alee
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 3:07:52 PM
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| Just sending everyone a big THANKS and a (((((((HUG))))))))) for being so kind!!! I will keep all ya'll posted!!! |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 3:39:59 PM
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It's best that you live your life and not inform them of your plans. You and your husband are intelligent and know what you are doing. Just do it. Then inform them after the fact. If you tell them of what you are planning to do, or let them in on the decison making then they will drive you freakin' crazy. Yep. Been there done that. Got the same problem about the junk from Wal-mart, etc. That's their way of loving you. They are proud of you, sounds like they are very critical beings, probably very hard on themselves. Pray for Grace in their lives.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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Family Matters: What to do? (VERY LONG) |
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What to do? (VERY LONG)
