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Family Matters:  Help! Anyone else have to deal with this?  |
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 05:08:33 AM
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I am in a constant fight to get my DH to stop watching movies that I don't approve of, and every time I check the history on the computer he's been on sites that I don't approve of. To me, looking at another woman, whether she's real and in the same room with you, or on a computer or tv screen, that's cheating on me. By another woman I mean a very scantily clad one, or one with nothing on. Everytime I confront him about it he seems sorry, but I don't know how he can be to see how this hurts me, but continue to do it. Do I start playing the part of his "mother" by watching his every step, do I just give up? I don't know what to do, but I'm so unhappy. When you're already not so confident about your looks, etc. this makes you feel even worse.
Can anyone out there relate? |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 06:58:06 AM
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I am not in this situation, but I can tell you it's not about your looks at all. This is a matter that you should get outside help with. Talk to your pastor and if you don't have one, a qualified professional. This is a serious problem for your husband and you cannot give up, you need to get help. Many people in our country suffer from sexual addiction. It's more an issue dealing with intimacy and your husband sounds like a typical case. Get him some help. You have to get outside help because this is something that has control of your husband. He doesn't have control of it. You monitoring him isn't enough.
With Grace,
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 07:01:09 AM
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Yes, what Rebecca said.
(((((HUGS))))) |
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 07:19:27 AM
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| How do you get someone to go get help when they don't realize they have a problem? |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 07:29:51 AM
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Well, I'm not in your place, but I would do one of these things, call my pastor or call a hotline, you can check for who to call in this situation by calling your insurance company or I would contact a nearby community center and ask them for advice. Or the state health department.
Are you involved in a church? Or anyone near you that is trusted who could recommend their church staff who are qualified in these situations.
If you want I will ask my church's pastor what he would recommend. My sister worked with sex offenders I could ask her as well.
Unfortunately, unless your husband is threatening to harm himself or someone else, no one will be able to drag him into therapy for anything.
And if you bring up the fact that he needs help, it may make him more secretive about it. And many churches would deal with it with grace, but some may not. You know? that is the hard part.
If I were you I would definitely want to get support and that way if he doesn't get help, you are going to be cared for and protected.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 07:34:22 AM
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My sister says that you need to confront him about how much of the marriage he is willig to sacrifice. Because all the experts agree it's detrimental.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 07:49:38 AM
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| This is going to sound really weird, but guess what? I work at a church, I'm the church secretary, but I just don't feel like I can open myself up like that to these pastors. I know that probably sounds really stupid, but I don't know if I want them to know I'm dealing with something like this. I just feel really isolated in this situation right now. Am I being too much of a perfectionist? Am I asking too much of him? I just always wonder this because I was a virgin when we married, he was not, I have no idea if he still thinks about what he had before me. The girls he was with before me were really wild, I was just a quiet little Christian girl who hadn't really lived or been out in the world when I got with him. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I'm not all he needs.... |
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Buttercup
True Blue Farmgirl
1433 Posts
Talitha
Vermont
USA
1433 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 08:09:37 AM
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Ashley,
no its not weird at all!! I am a pastor's daughter but have to be VERY careful who I open up to because of it, so I do so understand. In my first marriage I dealt with this, and trust me you are NOT alone at all!! My suggestion would be for you to go to a therapist/counselor by yourself to deal with the feelings and hurt and gain the needed tools to deal with this and try to fix it in a constructive way. I would ask my DH to go with me telling him this is for me, I need this because it is hurting me and I need help to know how to handle it and deal with it in a way that helps us. If he goes, wonderful..if he doesnt...I would still go alone and maybe with the things/tools you gain there you can find a way to mend this problem! Personally I would not involve my pastor or church unless I knew them well and felt comfortable. Instead I would stay involved in church, ask my pastor for prayers about a personal matter, and get outside professional help. But please do what you feel is best for you !! I am SO VERY SORRY you are going through this!! I know how painful and awful it makes you feel. But I can honestly tell you it has NOTHING to do with you!! Its like blaming yourself if your DH gets MS....it is his issue that is affecting you and I want YOU to be ok!! Tons of (((HUGS))) to you and if you need to vent/talk more to someone who totally understands, please do not hesitate to e-mail me any time!!!
Hugz n Prayers,
Talitha
"If we could maintain the wonder of childhood and at the same time grasp the wisdom of age, what wonder,what wisdom,what life would be ours" |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 08:25:06 AM
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More than likely he's had issues before he even met you. Think about it, he sounds like he was starved for intimacy and that's what caused him to be with "wild" girls. It's not that you aren't all he needs, it's that he isn't getting his needs met emotionally because he's got a problem with intimacy.
What are his friendships like? Is he able to form and keep close friendships? Does he attend the church? What about work, does he work with people and have good relationships or is he more of a solitary person.
If you don't feel comfortable at your church opening up that's fine, just find another pastor of a related church maybe. However, you'll realize as life goes on that sin is all over the place and I can pretty much guarantee that someone in your church has shameful embarrassing problems too. I certainly wouldn't want to go in front of the church and tell the world, but there is a reason the Bible talks about sanctification coming from the body of Christ.
If your husband came from a family where he didn't have intimacy with his mother, for example, he is going to be trying to make up for that. Counseling will help him to break his addiction by working on his ability to open up to other people, it will build up his ability to feel vulnerable with other people and experience safety and gain trust. That will take time and COURAGE.
You are normal. Many women who are very unworldly who marry a worldly guy go through this and they naturally feel like they just aren't able to help their husband. Well, I'm telling you right now that you are fine. It's not about your husband wanting something more. In fact, it's not really about your sex-life at all. It's more to do with the complicated heart issues and your husband's search for intimacy. The fact that he has to go back to it again and again and again just shows that he has to keep getting his "fix."
Don't despair. Treat it like a drug problem. Talk to someone about it. If you feel like you are isolated, then you really should reach out to someone. But, make sure it is someone who's got the experience to deal with marital crisis, sexual addiction etc. You know, get that person on your team first and then expand your help resources to mature individuals who can offer support. Or even just a person or two that can commit to praying for you and offering you support no questions asked. But, go for that elder or pastor or health professional first that is going to get you the most effective help.
Trust that God is going to be with you through this situation, both in the opening up to people part and in the aftermath and healing.
Christ is the Great Physician. It's on the Cross where we are reconciled to God and then cleared of our debt once and for all. The church is there to help you in your walk with God to be sanctified, pure and blameless. All Christians have a sin nature, the old man. Don't be afraid to let it be knows that there is a problem in your life. It's in that vulnerability that we are made strong in Christ.
Hope that helps.
Remember, the Israelites didn't get in trouble in the wilderness for complaining, they got in trouble when they complained after God had provided for them. Take advantage of the resources that you have. God has called you to be a wife and with that comes responsibilities. You would definitely get help if it were drugs or criminal behavior or if your husband needed medical intervention. This is just as serious. Talk to someone.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 08:26:44 AM
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| Oh sweetie! I'm soo sorry to hear what you are going through! You' re beautiful! Its soooo not your fault! I would agree with what Talitha says. Many Hugs! P.S. Except for this forum, sometimes I really hate the internet!!!!! |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 08:51:27 AM
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Ashley--
Experienced (and still do) it all 6 years of my marriage.
Like all the girls, I agree--not your issue, it's his. Unfortunately, it becomes your issue. I strongly agree on the outside help--whether it's your pastor in your church or another, or simply a counselor. It's really vital to have someone who can listen and offer advice--but beware. They will probably (at some point) advise you that if his behavior doesn't change, you need to make decisions about how much you're willing to live in a marriage like this, and that's the truth, and it's a really hard road to go down, which is why....
I've simply stopped talking about it to my husband. He hides it on the computer, he has dvd's hidden, he has magazines, and I know all about it. He has a decided intimacy issue....I used to confront him, I used to discuss it rationally, I used to cry. Nothing changes--he just hides it more. So, I'm certainly no expert in making it stop on his end--what I DID change and do was start to focus on me. I started doing sooo many more things outside of "us", and all of the dependencies that he had on me, I stopped. I still cook and clean and do things that work for us both in the home, but really, I enroll myself in as many activities with new and interesting people as I can. I joined a gym--not because I felt bad about me, but because I wanted to be healthier--and lemme tell you, kickboxing is a GREAT way to work out stress!!! I always considered myself a pretty enlightened and liberal gal, and I really never thought I gave a darn about pornography, until I realized that his use of it replaced his need for me. I realize (truly) that the way I choose to deal with it is obvious denial, but I really am not all that interested in a second divorce. This is something you're going to have to be honest with yourself about, also.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." Margaret Atwood
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 09:14:25 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their loving words and advice. As far as his work situation, and friends go, he's a farmer, he's by himself most all day every day, and he still has one friend he gets together with every once in a while, a guy from high school, but no Christian men friends to speak of. I try and try to get him involved, but he just won't do it, and I can't make friends for him. A while back when I was going through some health issues he found out that I e-mailed some friends about it and that I posted it here on this site...for heaven's sake, there was a chance I could have cancer, and he got upset at me for sharing this because, and a I quote, "I don't want people coming up to me asking me about you". Well, heaven forbid he would have to exert some effort on my behalf.
Yes, there are issues with him and his parents, they are completely uninvolved in his life, always have been, always will be, which is fine with me because I don't like them and don't want them in my life any more than I have to have them there. But I don't know how to get those issues solved for him as they are never going to be willing to put forth the extra effort to make their relationship right. He gets really jealous of me because I talk to my parents on the phone everyday, they are really involved with me and my daughter, he just doesn't understand it.
I would love to get involved in some more activities, but I have a 1 1/2 year old, so unless there would be child care it wouldn't work for me. I don't have many people close by that are willing to sit for me, my parents are 20 minutes away. We live in the middle of no where. Visiting the Library always makes me happy, but it's hard to with a baby too...especially when she's being loud, throws tantrums, etc.
Jonni & Rebecca, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Rebecca, I'll check that site out tonight if I get a chance, don't want it showing up in my history here on my work computer. |
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 10:26:59 AM
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No problem Ashley,
I think there is a counseling center in Peru, is that near you? The Four County counseling service or something like that. You may be able to get some ideas from them.
Definitely you feel isolated when you have a small child. I've got the tantrum throwing queen in my home! : ) People understand though. And you might even get to meet someone else who has small children and then your child and their child can be little chums. It's really important to at least get out and have coffee or tea with someone regularly. Meet someone at the park or playground and sneak a quick chat while your kid is snacking on a cup of fruit or playing with the toys or whatever. You would be surprised at how even a quick chat with someone once a week or every other week goes a LLLLLOOOONNNNGGG way to helping you keep your sanity as a mom. : )
I have several friends whose husbands have done things and it's just part of life. The more I get to know people, the more I feel like it's not as neat and tidy as I thought! ; )
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·. |
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simpler1773
True Blue Farmgirl
234 Posts
Ricki
Ashland
Wisconsin
USA
234 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2007 : 10:41:23 AM
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I could have written Jonni's post ~ except it's been 7 yrs :)
I've actually found that the less I fight it, the less he cares about it. I did everything I could, including threatening to leave. It's NOT you, it's him. 100%.
(((hugs)))
~Ricki~
You can't pour anything out of an empty vessel, take care of yourself! |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
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mtngirl1
True Blue Farmgirl
51 Posts
Kimberly
Roseland
Virginia
USA
51 Posts |
Posted - Apr 22 2007 : 06:36:44 AM
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My ex-husband (notice the word ex) was the same way. Men are visual and they are bombarded with visuals, especially on the internet. Yes-speak to your pastor about this- it is a huge problem with a lot of men. Good luck.
Kim |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2007 : 06:17:52 AM
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I was reading thru the msgs and know your pain. But life is too short. Think of it this way...do you want to go on living like this the rest of your life, or do you want a life where you call the shots? I had to get to that point also. Personally, I couldn't go on with my life pretending everthing is ok just to save a marriage like this. But that is something you have to figger out for yourself. If you can do it, then do that but weigh the costs on the other hand. You have some real probs here and a tough row to hoe in the coming future. Please keep talking and if you need to seek counseling, women's shelters are a good place to start... plus you can always yak at us here!!
Winona :-)
Don't sweat the small stuff...
http://goneridingagain.bravehost.com |
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Jana
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Jana
Eau Claire
Wisconsin
USA
482 Posts |
Posted - Apr 29 2007 : 09:52:55 AM
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Ashley,
I'm not going to get into all my issues here, but a place you may want to start is a group called COSA. It is the partner group to SAA, sex addicts anonymous. If you are in a larger metro area it may be easier to find, but a good place to start is to contact an AA meeting. They are held all over and if you sort of show up before a meeting starts, someone may have a printed schedule for various meetings. There are meetings for overeaters, debtors, gamblers, alcoholics, drug addicts and sex addicts and the friends and family members of all of these! I'm sure there are more! Also, you can google groups like AA and get lists of meetings by state and phone numbers. Even if it is an AA listing, you can call and the person answering (no on uses last names) may have a meeting list for you or another contact person.
There is hope! Just take it one day at a time, one minute if necessary!
Jana |
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Family Matters: Help! Anyone else have to deal with this? |
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Help! Anyone else have to deal with this?
