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Family Matters:  Working with the husband  |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 29 2006 : 6:04:33 PM
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| My husband and I started our own painting business called Five Star Design & Painting, Inc., about a year and a half ago. We work together quite often, but it seems like we have a hard time just agreeing on the task at hand and just getting a job done. We both undermine eachother, and disagree about EVERYthing. It has caused us to not work together for a few months at a time because we are both obstinate. We get LOTS of work done, but it's like there's always a bargaining chip as to who does what a certain way or another. It's just annoying more than anything. |
Edited by - MsCwick on Nov 30 2006 9:50:54 PM |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Nov 29 2006 : 7:15:35 PM
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Cristine - no tips yet, but what are you working with him on? A project? A problem? A job? I know these farmgirls out here have tons of experience and advice - and I'm sure someone has just the hints you need... Good luck!
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Nov 30 2006 : 10:25:57 PM
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I have one word for you...DON'T! (I am smiling when I type this however!) There are rare people who can do it, but I like the time away with different people and experiences and so does my spouse. We love spending time together but have very different approaches to work! Sort of like separation of church and state, separating work from our personal lives makes us both better together.
Maybe you could specialize in one area that your husband doesn't like to do? When we do projects at home , I love to do tile and grout work, he doesn't. Might work for you... or maybe you could be "the office" and he could take care of the "field work". That worked for us for a long time because I worked from home anyway. We just put in a dual line phone and I answered them both. Good Luck!
with a happy heart |
Edited by - bramble on Nov 30 2006 10:29:45 PM |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2006 : 05:43:43 AM
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My hubby and I work at the same school. Although we are not together all day I love it! We carpool together and we always get home at the same time and have the same breaks, holidays and days off. We spend the summers working around the house and it is AWESOME!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2006 : 06:52:33 AM
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Compromise....... as bramble said you do one area and he does another and then let each other, talk but don't argue. Let him lead - give your opinion but let him make the final decision. Look at it this way - at least he's home, you know where he is and who he works with, and he's not in another country! Try to find the positives.
Blessings!
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2006 : 3:58:44 PM
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Gotcha! I feel for where you're coming from! I think I would have a very difficult time working with my spouse in a business - but that also may just be because I usually know how I want things done, and it's very time consuming to explain this to my spouse, who tends to be, um, unreceptive sometimes .
That said, however, I'll bet there's a way to divide the labor to minimize the conflicts...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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Anastasia
True Blue Farmgirl
56 Posts
Anastasia
Telkwa
BC
Canada
56 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2006 : 6:32:11 PM
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My hubby and I work together on the same project (we are both geologists) but have different jobs. If we are coring, we are looking after different holes. If we run maps, one colours after the other has input all the info. Reports are divided into different sections. Any chance you can focus on different painting areas or jobs?
Cheers,
Anastasia :)
"Speciality is for insects." -Robert Heinlen |
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Celticheart
True Blue Farmgirl
811 Posts
Marcia
WA
USA
811 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2006 : 10:56:04 PM
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Well I don't really have any advice to give you but I can tell you a funny story. I don't work with my husband exactly but we own a trucking business and I do his invoicing weekly and his quarterly road tax reports. Last year I had a couple of difficult weeks(apparently) because I made two or three small mistakes on invoices which amounted to about $5 each. He jumped all over me about them and wasn't very nice about it at all. I will say he's usually pretty patient with me so that was unusual but still....
When the next week's invoices came around and he asked if I was ready to do them I said not if he wasn't going to be any nicer than the last time because the perks with this 'job' just weren't all that great! And he said to me(with a little grin) "Really! Well let's see...last year you got a new kitchen stove, a new bathroom and a new car." I said "Where are those invoices you need done?"
This year I got a 'new' 100 year old farmhouse on 7 acres. Guess the perks are better than I thought! =~)
"I suppose the pleasure of country life lies really in the eternally renewed evidence of the determination to live." Vita Sackville-West
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2006 : 08:53:11 AM
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We both own Five Star Design & Painting, Inc. He is the President and Treasurer, and I am the Vice Pres. and secretary.
See, I am 24 and my husband is only 22 years old, and a lot of times he does things in haste without thinking about them, so every once in a while I make mention that maybe we should do it this way or that, and he has a hard time taking constructive criticism. If I have an IDEA, he has a better one, and even my dad notices and asked me if he is always "knocking my thoughts and ideas down" all the time. He cannot be wrong about ANYthing, and he acts kinda crappy because he is the sole "breadwinner" of our household. I think he forgets about the 17 hour days I have put in with him, or the days when I get stuck with the crappiest employees, and then he fusses that we didn't get enough done, and I say" well what did you expect I might as well be working by myself!!" He is just not appreciative, and I almost feel like he rubs it in my face. He is too good to come home from work and bring firewood up to the house. Then if I ask, I feel like I'm asking too much, or I have to ask 20 times before it gets done. I am the more mature responsible one, so I have to beg him to fix my car. When he and I work together on the same job, we get along OK, but it's like when we come home, his day is over, and my chores are just beginning. I try really really hard for us to have a neat and clean house, and we have 3 cats, a dog and 2 horses, so there is plenty of mud and fur and bark from the firewood for me to clean up pretty often, but he doesn't realize that a lot of times, he is just giving me MORE to do. I completely rearranged and cleaned our guest bedroom, which his clothes are in the closets, and dressers in there, and in 3 days, he takes his clothes off and there are 6 outfits thrown all over the place.
He wants 100% of my devotion and respect when we're on the jobsite, but once we get home and we have business stuff to do at home, and house chores, I get 5% respect from him. He has been downright insulting about my work, my painting capabilities, and it just makes me not want to be around him, at home or at work. Lastnight we got in a really big fight, and I told him I hate being the responsible one, I hate having to babysit and play mommy all the time because he is too busy playingn video games, and watching TV.He says that's why God put us together, because we are so opposite. he is good at making money and providing for us, and I am good at budgeting and making our homelife run smoothly, but I don't want to get on my knees because his work van needs tires.
Maybe it is just me, but it seems like there should be a little more cooperation on his part. I'm not expecting him to come home from work and make dinner, but I put his PJs in the bathroom so he can take a shower and put on clean clothes, and all I want is for him to put his own underwear in the laundry room. Is that asking too much? He doesnt have to wash or fold laundry, just bring it in off the clothes line now and then. But why do I have to ask? |
Edited by - MsCwick on Dec 06 2006 08:54:40 AM |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2006 : 09:36:27 AM
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Your problems are age-old and probably have been experienced by all of us on this board to one extent or another. The main issue is us as women expecting our husbands to think like we do. They are supposed to be always intune to our thoughts, ideas, problems and needs and when they aren't, we are hurt, disappointed and sometimes even angry. But the problem is men are not women!! LOL! They do not think like that. If you are upset, you better tell him you are upset. He will not magically figure it out. If you need help, tell him. You ask should I have to ask? YES! YES! YES! Happy is the woman who asks for help! It gives her husband a sense of direction and it really does make him more likely to help as he should. And then, when he does do something helpful, make sure you notice and praise him. Appreciation is a huge motivator for most men. Men really are from mars . . . no amount of pretending they aren't will change it. He will not magically figure out what you need. The overly sensitive, always intune to your every need kind of guy only exists on Lifetime movies and in Harlequin romances. We simply need to choose to love them as is and try to be more clear in expressing what we need or want. Hope this helps. Wishing you only the best!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2006 : 4:59:17 PM
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Well, that makes me feel a lot better knowing that all this is normal. We are generally really good together all the time, just every now and then we get into these work related spats, and it can be really hard to co-exist together at work all day and then at home. If we worked at the same place, but could go home and leave work at work, it would be better, but when we get home from work, we have paperwork, and other work related things to accomplish at home too. We have been in business just a little over a year, and to me that is really not a long time for a business. We are learning a lot, about running a business and marriage and just life in general. Part of my not understanding was being raised by such a great dad that did all these things I wish my husband would do. I kinda of assume since my dad did it(laundry, clean bath tub, vaccuum,) and he was a man, that all men must do these things, so it is kinda my fault for not diferentiating between a single parent and married young man. Also, my husband saw the exact opposite that I did in that his mother NEVER worked and she was always a stay at home mom, doing all household things, and when his dad came home, he didn't have to do a thing because his mom (still to this day) waits on him hand and foot. And it works for them,it just doesnt work for us. We talk about it sometimes, but we are also learning every day how to talk to eachother about things that bother us about eachother, or things we can or need help with.
I'm glad I'm not imagining enormous problems for us and that this is normal.
Thanks so much
Cristine |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Dec 07 2006 : 9:00:26 PM
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Cristine,
It sounds like you had a wonderful dad and that makes a hard measuring stick for your husband, especially when his upbringing was so different. And, like I said men are from mars, but that doesn't mean we can't train the little aliens to some extent! LOL! Communication is the biggest key. Tell him what you want, need, etc. and then when he does come through, be quick to compliment. It will do wonders. Still not perfect here in our home easier, but I learned the hard way that you never wait for them to figure things out . . . you might grow old waiting! LOL! Just tell them point blank what you want. Warmest Blessings to you!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2006 : 11:22:01 AM
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Well, lastnight I "practiced" asking, and even though he is sick as a dog, with almost walking pneumonia, he offered to help fold socks and underwear, and when I was in the shower, he seperated them and put them in their respective homes in the bedroom! I asked him to get fire wood, but he forgot, so he said "what did you ask me to do?" and when I said bring up more firewood, he thanked me for reminding him! so I thanked him for remembering enough to ask me to remind him.. It was kinda a silly goofy moment, but it was sweet. Josh has made mention that he cannot ever live up to the standards I have because of how my dad was, so I have tried to not make that comparison as much. I still think it's fair for men to pull a little weight around the house, but I do enjoy being able to take care of my husband who provides all the little silly things I need and want. He is a real keeper!
I have been trying really hard to do all my secretarial responsibilities better so that he doesnt have to ask or remind me, and I think he might be doing the same.
today when I asked him to get me some egg noodles, and orange juice, he even remembered to get the organic milk we are almost out of!!! he got big hugs and kisses for that one!!!
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katie-ell
True Blue Farmgirl
1818 Posts
Katie
Illinois
1818 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2006 : 11:32:42 AM
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| You are on the right track, sweetie! Glad you're working on the 'honey' part of asking for help -- that is, asking kindly and giving praise. Good for you! |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2006 : 6:15:05 PM
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Cristine, it sounds so much better today than two days ago. I agree with Brenda and Katie about praising your husband. The Bible is full of instruction for women to win their husbands with gentleness... and the manual's instructions work! Phil told me early in our marriage that men are made with needy egos--they're fragile and easily wounded. Praising his success and accomplishments in every area is so helpful. They really do want us to "look up to them", and to be the hero for their wife. I know it sounds impossible if we see them really messing up, especially if we feel hurt by their actions. Still, tell him as calmly as possible what hurt you, and what you need--then try to not revisit that mess again.
I stay at home these days, and, other than bringing in firewood, Phil really doesn't have "chores"--he just works on projects all the time, except for maybe an hour before bedtime. My dad did take out the trash, paid the bills and mowed grass--but Phil's mother did all of that as well as all the regular cleaning, washing, etc., and that is what Phil always expected from me. I think we all have to let go of what was "normal" in our childhood homes. I know that at this point, Phil doesn't have a clue about my needing him to take out trash, unless I tell him, then tie up the bag and remind him as he goes out the door! He really is trying to think of me, but like Brenda said, he's a man. My girlfriend tells the story of a big fight with her husband, when in total frustration she seethed at him, "You think JUST LIKE A MAN!" At which, he cracked up and she followed.
Finally, I will say that my parents were about as miserable in their marriage while I was growing up as I think it's possible to be. Dad had no patience, was resentful and deeply angry. Mom nagged... without end. Then, they blew up and had raging fights. It formed in me a deep desire to never nag my husband, and while he doesn't always do what I ask, I've learned that ultimately our relationship is far more important to me than the momentary thing I want--which is usually on the level of his picking up his socks, putting his shoes away, etc. I want him to want to do "the thing" because he loves me, not because I can pressure him into doing my will. I think that's what we all really want.
You and your husband have a lot of pressure with working together. It takes time--years--to work through issues to the point where you're in tune with each other's needs (and I still do fall into pits from time to time )...but last night you guys did great! It's a journey.
Many hugs,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2006 : 8:17:08 PM
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Thanks so much Ann for your words of encouragement. Seeing as I grew up with my dad, I have never really had a womanly figure around for me to learn about these "manly" habits and how to deal with them. I'm sure that you've been married for longer than us, so we have a lot of learning and growing to do, but we know that every day we go through together, neither one of us have ever been married or owned our own business before, so it is all a learning experience. We know we can be "young and dumb", and most of the time we laugh about it the next day! It just gets frustrating at times, but it's nice to know that I can come on here and find much more important things to fill my mind with. I think sometimes I just want to be the young irresponsible one with no worries, like he is, but I am very worrisome, and maybe I just have that womanly insight into preventing problems, and making sure all is tidy and complete. Sometimes I want him to be the guidance figure, so I don't have to think and worry so much about everything that needs to be done. He is still a kid at heart, afterall, he is only 22(23 in Feb), so I can't even expect him to act my age or any older.
I know that his lightheartedness will be a blessing once we have rambunctious children running around. I hope that gives him someone to be a "kid" with, instead of me :)
I really appreciate all the womanly-motherly advice I get here. I haven't talked to my real mom in 2 years, and my whole life, I have yearned for a really sweet momma, and now I have my MIL that is the closest I have ever had! God sent her the daughter she never had, and I got a Momma, all because of the same loving man...my hubby! |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2006 : 03:49:31 AM
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How wonderful that your MIL is a keeper!LOL I also had a MIL who was a total blessing, who loved her son enough to want his marriage to be happy and who helped "raise me". Your deep concern about fianancial stabilty is typical for a wife--that's inbred into us. Would it help to decide to each make a list of the most important things to you (limited in number, for the sake of sanity) then to share it with the other? Then you'd both be working toward meeting the needs of the other, after clearly knowing what really matters. Meanwhile, it's so good that the situation has eased. I'm praying for you!
XO,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2006 : 8:54:35 PM
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Well, our 365 Meditations for couples is really great. Each day it has a scripture, and something that modern married couples go through...time, stress, children,family, losing a child, cherishing eachother, etc. every day something new and important. Then it has a prayer relating to the topic and a "talk it over" section, where you write things, talk about things, make time for eachother, etc. My MIL lost a daughter very young, and then had my husband, she has wanted a daughter ever since, and although she has three granddaughters from Josh's older brother, josh says I'm the closest thing she has to a real daughter, and she loves me that much!! We are pretty constructive when it comes to seeing what we do wrong, and talking about it, admitting fault, and making an effort to fix it. We are fairly humble I guess, and we both know what we do and don't want from a marriage. We both had a lot of home problems, and we want to have a strong marriage to raise our children in. We are lucky that we have the same values when it comes to having a good marriage, and we both know what was missing from our own childhoods, so we are trying really hard.
I guess it's just normal that I'm going through this with him. Plus we are young, so that in itself can be a big enough challenge.
Thanks for all your help and encouragement. It's nice to be able to get on here and read and write such nice things....
Love,
Cristine |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Dec 10 2006 : 12:28:44 PM
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Cristine, you guys sound like you have so much going right! The meditation book must be really helpful. To be able to talk about the hard stuff is rare... and to have the same desires for your marriage is wonderful. I'm so glad for your mother-in-law's love for you! To be a daughter out of choice is very special.
XO a lot,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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Family Matters: Working with the husband |
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Working with the husband
