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Across the Fence:  Relatives and the guilt factor  |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 6:07:12 PM
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Every year around Christmas, DH and I go down the guilt trip with his parents. Some years are better then most but almost always there is some guilt associated with the whole Christmas eve/day thing. It started when we got married - in order to spend time with each set of parents we split the holiday. Since my parents already started the gift opening thing on Christmas Eve for my brother and SIL it was only natural to spend that time with them and the whole Christmas Day with my in-laws (which seemed to be the more important day for them). Well first there were the questions about why we couldn't go to Christmas Eve services with DH's parents - DH hadn't gone in years, so why now? Then there was, why can't you come to breakfast and spend the whole day - well breakfast time was our time for each other and from noon on was time with them. Then when we got a bigger place we offered to make Christmas dinner at our house, that went well. So we scored there. We missed on Christmas dinner when we had to move - but arranged with cousins to cook it instead (we provided a large turkey). That was okay. Then the in-laws moved out of town to the coast 3 hours away. Away from all of their family, etc. Because DH runs his own business and because all of my family and the rest of his are here - we don't go to the coast for Christmas. Our house is small - no guestroom, so that was a big issue - how come we can't stay with you. They have tons of friends and relatives here that they can stay with, which they do. Then we "screwed up" and went to Washington DC two years ago for Christmas. My sister was living in Alexandria at the time was flying out every year, she asked if we, my brother's family and my parents could come this last year she would be living in Alexandria. DH explained to his parents - told them it was a trip we had never taken and really wanted to go. They seemed okay with it. We were able to spend Thanksgiving with them at a cousins house (we usually don't see them on Thanksgiving) to make up for being gone on Christmas. DH explained he was working overtime to wrap things up at his business and we would not be decorating or anything for Christmas since we would be gone. Thanksgiving came, was going well, and then the other shoe dropped - his mother came unglued. Why can't we come over for Christmas, why are you going, etc. In front of the whole family. DH made arrangements to buy them brunch and we would exchange gifts two Saturdays before we left. They came to the house - long faces because no decorations,no tree, etc.
Last year we got the long story of we might not be able to come - no one to stay with, too long of a drive etc. DH and I talked and decided we would pay for a night at a nice hotel near by - we offered that and they jumped on it. Again, I felt we were taken down the road to feel guilty into providing lodging - which by the way we pay for our lodging when we visit them - they don't offer a room or to help us out. Luckily, DH's Aunt was going out of town and she offered them her place - they took that instead.
Oh there are so many other stories surrounding this holiday with them - from the gifts aren't right, to we have to hurry because we've made other plans with other people (not relatives) and can't stay long with our own son.
Why is it that some in-laws are this way. Don't they realize that the Son or Daughter and their spouse have to deal with two families and try to keep everyone happy.
We get this type of treatment around other holidays, family events, etc too.
Sorry, this was long, but it always weighs heavy on my mind every Christmas.
Anne in Portland
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 6:10:58 PM
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Anne that is a bummer. We dont have kids so it is a little easier for us. We alternate years and holidays with our parents. For example this year we have Thanksgiving with Richies mom and Christmas with my family. Next year we have Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with Richies. It has really worked out well for us although it is still stressful! I'll keep you in my thoughts that all things work out great!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 6:27:31 PM
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Hi Ann,
for the last 16 yrs I have made a 500 mile trip home one way/1,000 miles round trip... just about every year for the Holiday..it has become an "expected thing" that my family of 5 will make the drive..well there has only been about 2 times in the last 16 yrs that we weren't able to make at least 2 trips a year down South...but..my sisters and their husbands are always making excuses as to why they cannot come here for a holiday or just to visit... they have only been here to visit us about 5 times in 16 yrs...so..this year my husband and I told everyone that we were going to start making our own family traditions and that if they'd like to join us for the Holiday they were certainly invited.
Well..my one sister and her husband make almost yearly trips to Dollywood around the holidays..do they ever come here? ..no!
And the other sister and her husband always have excuses to..basically we grew a bit weary of traveling every time..so if they decide to show up that will be nice.
My mom is going to try and drive up here on her own though..but anyhow..what I'm saying is sometimes you just have to decide why is all the guilt being laid on...and finally decide o.k. here's how it is going to be.
Now we may make a few trips back home every now and then..but I think that it's about time in our case that others can start making the trip our way..if they want to.
After 16 yrs of this one sidedness, enough was enough.
So, I say..start making your own traditions..if they wish to be a part of it..by all means invite them to join you, but don't keep bending over backwards.
~Seize the Day! Live, Love, Laugh~ |
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Carolinagirl
True Blue Farmgirl
486 Posts
Kim
Rutherfordton
NC
USA
486 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 6:50:04 PM
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When we got married, we made the rule that we don't go anywhere on Christmas Day. Period. We stay at our house. We welcome whatever family wants to come visit us, and we have a nice spread of food an snacks, but we don't go anywhere else. This is really important now that we have kids, as I don't intend on gathering them up on that day and dragging them anywhere else.
DH's family complained and were pretty irritated, but they got over it. It's so much easier for grandparents to pack their stuff up and go somewhere for a trip than a family with children to pack up and go somewhere.
Make a rule. Stick to it. Invite them to be in on your holiday at some point, but make it clear that it will be on your terms, as you and your husband are "the family" now. Parents had lots of years to be with their kids- now its your turn to be with your husband. If they don't want to come and pay their own way, then wish them a wonderful holiday and tell them you'll be thinking of them. Then sit back and enjoy yourself!
Kim in NC |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 7:13:52 PM
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Thanks for the encouragement. I was able to take some control when I said Christmas dinner will be at our house - not at DH's parent's house, because I was getting tired of the "you didn't bring enough or too much of a dish or not the right dish" attitude and their house was always very cold and they wouldn't let DH build a fire in the fireplace or turn up the heat - that is when I put my foot down. At least I can control the food - I ask no one to bring anything, easier for me and I can turn up the heat if I get cold. My parents are pretty cool about stuff - laid back and no pressure, that is why it is hard to deal with DH's parents. His brother doesn't live here, so he gets all of the pressure. He tries to put his foot down, but feels they are older (80's & 70's in age) but you would think they are 100 for the way they act, that they may not be around much longer - which I understand. But as I have told him, just because we don't have kids, doesn't mean that we aren't our own family and have our own traditions. Maybe I am making too much of it, but they just stress me out. Probably why I always have a bottle of wine or Champagne opened in the kitchen while I cook and I spend a lot of time in there. Thank God I don't drink alot, just enough to take the edge off their visit, at least DH's cousins understand the stress and are always ready to run some interferrance and give me support.
Anne in Portland
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 7:55:53 PM
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We don't leave our house at all on the Eve, and it has always been extremely important to me that the girls wake in their own beds on Christmas morning. We make the three and some change hour drive to the Twin Cities after we have spent our morning here opening gifts and eating popcorn and breakfast....the holiday is family time and that is our rule that we stick to.
WE get guilted a lot too, because we are the furthest away from both sides of our family.....it happens I guess.
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
blogs: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com
http://frugalwitch.wordpress.com |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 8:05:41 PM
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I made the rule years ago that we don't leave on Christmas day..I end up cooking for alot of people, which is just fine..and we end up other places close by on Christmas eve and Thanksgiving sometimes, but Christmas day is HERE. I made that rule because when I was growing up we spent every single holiday all year at my grandma's house (which was wonderful but....) so we had NO traditions at our own house. I didn't want that for my family.
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Nov 19 2006 : 8:59:45 PM
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We struggled in the early years with this one too! Somehow my MIL thought because my Mom wasn't alive that my Dad would just do whatever we told him to (like come to her house...not happening! He wasn't comfortable with that extended family so we ended up splitting our days with both sides. It got very difficult once our son was born because you can't go to Christmas Eve service at 7:30 pm and come back eat and exchange gifts at midnight with wee ones. AND be expected to be back the next day bright and shiny and way too early! I'm not sure when they thought we would see my family (between the hours of 2:00am - 6:00am?!!!) After that exhausting marathon we started alternating one side got Thanksgiving, one Christmas. Both still got us for Easter (1 house dinner, 1 house dessert).And the best thing we did was tell everyone to come for brunch on Christmas morning so kids can stay put and we can see everyone in a more leisurely manner. There are 3 families with no kids and 2 with so we let everyone know one house is brunch and the other buffet mid-late afternoon. That way if someone has a conflict with their inlaws we all get a second chance to catch up to each other. Kind of convoluted but it works for us!
I know your inlaws are elderly but they sound difficult to please no matter what you do. Don't let them make you feel guilty, that sounds like what they bargain for. You are entitled to a holiday filled with peace and tranquility too! Maybe this is the year you tell them well in advance what you are doing and briefly explain why, but I wouldn't give them an option. Something like, "If you want to visit with us during the holidays we better make plans now, because the calendar is filling up quickly..." That way the ball is in your court and you can control where, when and how you see them. I wish you luck and send you a big hug, inlaws can be quite "a bear"!!!
with a happy heart |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 07:49:33 AM
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I think you've done a bang up job of appeasing! SOunds like they just can't accept the fact hubbies grown and on his own, they also may just plain be lonesome and this is there one time to assert themselves.
Beleive it or not even with our military lifestyle we still get the guilt trip too........mor subtly but it's there. As in if you are CLOSE enough we should come home. More from my sister than my Mom, two years ago we had just moved from Germany back to the States and hubby was home from Iraq. I made the mistake of saying we are spending Christmas with "our" family in the hotel. OH my Goodness! We are your family....blah blah blah. We've gotten used to being on our own and having our extended military famiy for holidays.
We are going "home" this Christmas but only for about 1/2 of hubbies block leave (two weeks) because if we stay longer than that it's not pretty. and that will even be split between my sisters and my parents. Hubbies famiy doesn't expect it so much....
Hugs to you and yours,
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 08:42:14 AM
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It is nice to hear how everyone deals with in-laws, it is not just me. This year I explained to DH that he is in charge of his parent's gift - I am no longer buying for them. Tired of not getting the right thing. He has a hard time too and it frustrates him, but he said he will take that part over. So that is one thing I am not going to worry about this year. I already feel better about this since you guys were so nice to let me vent my frustration, sometimes it is good to just get it off one's chest. Thank you again for your input and support.
Anne in Portland
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 09:12:11 AM
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Anne honey,
I know your inlaws are older, but they are totally manipulative and it seems like no matter what you two do, they're gonna find fault somewhere. I guess you just have to make your decisions and let them bellyache if they aren't pleased. It's just not worth it letting them stress you out. I wouldn't worry either. You can only do so much. This is your holiday too.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 1:11:33 PM
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Anne - I feel your pain. I was manipulated for many years(and two husbands - extended families). The only thing I looked forward to about the holiday season was the end of it. Everybody's given you great advice that seems to boil down to a favorite saying of my holistic health professor: 'Take back your power'. Good luck and wishing you a stress free holiday.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 2:05:07 PM
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Gosh--it's so difficult to be in that position--
It sounds like you've done all you can do, and you've been generous enough...it's so easy at this time of year to get pulled in so many directions, keeping EVERYONE happy (when really, noone will be happy). What I notice about people, and I'm sure you've heard the saying, "give an inch and they take a mile..." Selfishly, I think it's alright in that instance to make YOURSELF happy first. My husband's paternal grandparents, aunts, etc..are very difficult folks. My husband gets all bent out of shape around the Holiday, knowing we had to go there. They dislike my mother in law, so we could never tell them that were were going over to her house or any plans with "her" because they'd get their knickers in a twist, and then they tell you about the "perceived" wrongs she's done to them from 1963 on. It's so silly. Yes, holidays are about family and being together, but holidays are NOT about making yourself crazy and worrying about everyone else. Some of our largest arguments were had walking up his grandmothers steps to Christmas Eve....What we've done is this: my mom is a widow, and she often works holidays in retail, so we ALWAYS celebrate Christmas eve with her, but later--after we've gone to the grandparents thingee. We attend candlelight services, come back, have some wine and some cheeses, open ONE small gift and then we go home. Christmas morning used to be my mom's, but because my husband has two sets of "parents" (and my mom is reasonable) we decided to devote the am to them. We go for Christmas brunch at mom-in-laws, and she's gracious enough to have her ex hubby and his wife and son over as well, that way we can all be together in one place, and then we're out of there by 12:30, off to my mom's and then we're home, snuggled into our house by 4:00.
What I've figured out in my little life is this: they may not like your decisions--ever--but they'll get over it.
Best of luck and light to you!!!
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 5:50:38 PM
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Anne -- I can totally relate to what you go through with your in-laws. Mine are doozies too! They always had Christmas Eve at their house and there was no changing it. My MIL likes to think that she can entertain. She always has good intentions but can never pull it off. Every year we'd go and she'd still be wrapping presents, scrubbing the kitchen floor, and dinner wouldn't even be started. So my BIL and I would cook the meal while MIL ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. Then she'd still have to go get cleaned up. In the midst of all of this my FIL, who would have killed half a bottle of Jack Daniels by now, would be yelling that she needed to go get ready. Dinner was usually a couple of hours late at best.
The best one was the year we called ahead of time to see how things were going and she hadn't even put the tree up. So at 4 we walked in and put up the tree and added lights. Then finished cleaning the house and cooked the meal. Of course DH's siblings are no where to be found! That was the last straw. The year we told them that my SIL was going to have Christmas Eve and we would not longer be going to their house, they didn't speak to us for 4 months. They finally got over it.
Two years ago we made a choice to go to the beach with Missy's family for the whole Christmas weekend. My MIL was furious. Oh well. She has always done the "why don't you come over on Christmas morning to open stockings thing". I put a stop to that the first year. I told her that Christmas morning was our family time and we were not running back over to their house (which is 40 miles away) after we had just been there the night before.
I'm having them all here for Thanksgiving this year and really dreading it. I have done Thanksgiving for the last 4 years now. It's my favorite holiday and I volunteered to have the whole family. But, for some reason, I wish they all weren't coming. Part of it is because every time my MIL comes over she has to snoop through my whole house and ask me where I got this and that. There's a real jealousy thing between her and the grandmother (her MIL). My MIL is always wanting to know if Grandma bought this or that for me.
This is supposed to be such a happy time of year and for many it's so stressful. But I'm also learning how NOT to be by watching how they've treated us all these years.
Handmade delights at www.rusticcottagecreations.com
Visit my blog! http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/
The Clark County Farmgirls have a blog! http://thefarmgirls.blogspot.com |
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Across the Fence: Relatives and the guilt factor |
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Relatives and the guilt factor
