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Family Matters:  What was I thinking?  |
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 27 2015 : 9:35:21 PM
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Four months ago, my brother (back in Cali) asked me if I would take his two young-uns for two months.
(short version: My baby brother has two kids with this gal that I'm still praying will turn her life around. She left him to be with a man who turned out to be a big time drug dealer and so my brother took the kids. There's no custody agreement, but she didn't fight for them and actually said she "couldn't be bothered" (via text), so he had been doing the single dad thing for 6 months. He has a very good job, but has not a clue about budgeting so he found himself broke and needing to find a smaller living space.)
So my husband and I talked it over and thought that even just two months would be beneficial for them.
Due to neglectful parenting, my five year old niece has never had any type of social interactions with peers. She's been actually left in front of a tv for hours on end, almost on a daily basis. The only time she wasn't in front of the tv was on the weekends when my brother wasn't at work or when she came to our house, because we have no tv. And I wish I could say this is exaggerated, but her mother has freely, and almost with what one could say seems like pride, admitted to me, my brother, her friends, etc. that that's all she does because she "has more important things to do." (Like posting on Facebook about how parenting is "so easy when SpongeBob is on! LOL!"...)
-_-
Anyway, I wish I could say that my brother was not a guilty party to this but he had just as much responsibility and he was wrong to put his trust in someone who was more interested in hitting the bars every weekend.
I wish I could say that all of my work trying to be there for her,so she could be a more involved parent, less stressed, less depressed? I just couldn't figure out what she was needing!?!?! So I've just left it up to God.
But the damage has been done. My niece is 5 and 1/2 years old. She has severe language delays, she has only now learned to use the toilet, she has no self preservation or self confidence and it scares me.
My nephew is only 2 and 1/2 and he's certainly a terror!!! (I say this with a smile, though, because he's pretty stereotypical... except his appetite...which has been an adjustment for him because we don't give him McNuggets and chips for every meal!) I'm not thrilled about the bitting, which my youngest (3) has picked up and uses often.
For the record, I've never had a bitting child. This is unexplored territory for me! HELP!!!!
I can say now that I feel that maybe I took on too much. And they are still here and will be for another month!
The good news: My brother found an apartment! Yay! 
The "oh...." news: can't move in until the beginning of MARCH!!!! 
The BEST news: Alystaire, (my youngest) is going to start preschool next month! 
I love my brother and I love his kids, but I am tired. My plan is pretty much bundle them up and head outside to dig up some mud and stay off of the warpath! 
And love. Love them until they can't stand crazy, organic, books not tv, outside not inside, Auntie A!
I'm not sure where I was going with this post. If you've made it this far....BIG SISTER HUG!!! Because that's what I need! And a good ol' Farmgirl kick in the pants, so that I'll survive the next four weeks!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2015 : 04:38:10 AM
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Ally,
Bless you for what you are doing to give these kids a loving, nurturing environment.
A friend of mine went through something somewhat similar, and through some good advice got associated with some therapists specializing in child development . If there are any such social services near you and available, consider it to help conserve your energy and potential emotional drain. They are very familiar with some behaviors "typical" of children raised in the kind of environment you described, and can suggest some ways to cope.
My friend ended up having the kids for many, many months beyond the original agreement because sadly the parents got a little too used to not having the responsibility, and just didn't have their own children's best interests at heart. Drugs get a very hard hold on some people and they make some poor decisions. I try to keep in mind that if the parents couldn't get their proverbial act together, it really was best for the kids to be raised by others.
Be sure to take care of yourself while giving so very much. These kids are blessed to have a place in your home!
Cindy |
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notathreatinsight
True Blue Farmgirl
626 Posts
Erin
Monroeville
IN
USA
626 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2015 : 05:55:16 AM
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Ally
What a wonderful thing you are doing for those kids! I'm sure the benefits that they receive from their time with you will be astronomical. Sometimes it can be hard enough taking care of your own kids, let alone someone else's, even if they are family. I think it's awesome that you took the initiative to step in where you were needed. I'll pray for God to give you the patience to see the next month through.
Erin
Farmgirl #3762
"It is... through the world of the imagination which takes us beyond the restrictions of provable fact, that we touch the hem of truth." - Madeleine L'Engle
http://www.etsy.com/shop/femmepostale/
http://www.pinterest.com/femmepostale/ |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3930 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2015 : 07:42:09 AM
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I agree with Cindy. Get these kids some professional help as soon as possible. That girl will be going to kindergarten soon and needs to be ready or she will be placed with the special education kids. There is a little girl in 1st grade who had that kind of up bringing. She gives up so easily when things get difficult for her. When she is challenged, she will shut down, say she is tired and pretend to go to sleep to get out of doing what she should. Don't let this happen to your niece and nephew. Talk with your brother about this.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2015 : 10:25:48 AM
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Ally - The heart doesn't think, it only loves. I think you are amazing and wonderful for picking up the pieces for those children and helping their hearts become whole. If I could, I'd give you a warm hug, make you a cake and bring you dozens of beautiful flowers. You deserve all of those, and so much more! You are such a blessing, do you know that? An absolute treasure. I know well the trials with which you contend, and I know how stressful and hard it is; but you will be blessed beyond measure for what you are doing; I believe this with all my heart. Just keep showering the love and setting a good, healthy example - and PRAY. I will be praying for you, too, as well as for your family, your brother and the children, and even their mother, who, I think in some ways, needs it most. Let's look for good things to come from all of this. Perhaps you will not see the fruit of these seeds you are planting for many years to come, but I believe with all my heart, God will honor and cultivate this amazing garden for you! Hugs and love - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jan 28 2015 10:26:35 AM |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2015 : 04:50:29 AM
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Ally, I agree with the others, you are doing an incredible job and what a Blessing you are. God will sustain you and strengthen you.
We took in a troubled teen niece when my kids were teenagers. The most difficult thing was trying to keep the negatives of the situation making a negative impact on my kids. I will be praying for you and your kids.
Just keep taking deep breaths and take a day at a time.
Catherine
Sister #76 (2005)
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt.
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2015 : 09:22:35 AM
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Thank you, so much everyone! I really needed to hear these things! My heart tells me that it is the right decision, and I am sincerely thankful to have a place where I can find encouragement!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Tall Holly
True Blue Farmgirl
2305 Posts
Holly
Worcester
Vermont
USA
2305 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2015 : 10:24:38 AM
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Ally,
You are wonderful to accept your relatives into your family. While it seems like a no brainer sometimes there are so many people who would not be bothered.
I have adopted children with consistently inconsistent parenting. The best behavioral program there is is exhaustion. When our last two boys came from a drugged mother and absent fathers I would have the neighbor drop us off a couple of miles from home and we would meander back. they could not refuse to walk because there was no other way to get home. The boys were 6 and 7 at the time. It is easier to deal with unkind behaviors outside. Maybe you could hire a neighbor child to wear out the younger in the afternoon after school.
Nurturing is hard when the child makes poor choices and gets on your nerve endings. It is so hard as an adult to breathe, forgive and be kind when the child is just mean because he/she knows no better.
For me it is sometimes hard not to take good behavior for granted and to punish bad choices. So, we have a poker chip system that the boys receive chips that they keep in a fanny pack for making good choices or doing their chores. I ask for chips when they make bad choices and they can buy privileges with the chips they earn. For us it is snacks, shopping trips and movies that are important to them. For the children bad attention is better than no attention so we are trying very hard to encourage good behavior.
If you want to vent or want more info please email me. I will try to check back to this board.
Holly
farmgirl #2499
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GoddessintheGroove
True Blue Farmgirl
265 Posts
Heike
Sacramento
CA
265 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2015 : 04:03:40 AM
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Ally,
you have been given some wonderful advice, so I do not need to add to that :). You are a blessing to these children who are in such a formative, and important part of the their lives. Professional help, lots of outside, dirty mud time should help with the behavior. Being read to instead of being sat in front of the TV should help your niece catch up. Language comes fast. I have seen it so often where children that age learn a second language from scratch by being immersed without the opportunity to slide elsewhere. Good luck to you, and hugs from being a strong woman & mama!
Heike
FarmGirl Sister #2245
"A journey back to the roots..."
http://www.herbmagik.com
"Women with opinions, pendants, & KitchenWitches...all in one."
http://www.goddessinthegroove.com
Find me on FB: http://www.facebook.com/theGoddessintheGroove |
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2015 : 1:15:11 PM
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Thank you so much ladies! Yesterday was very difficult! It was a sunny day so I figured it's a good time to go outside! We went to our coffee shop, and they wanted to say hi to the girls behind the counter and play so we went in. My nephew was having a really hard time playing with another little boy who came in to play so I gave a five minute warning. When it was time to clean up, he pushed his sister off of the ladder. No injuries, but when I told him to come down and put his shoes on, he screamed and kicked and threw the biggest two year old tantrum I've seen since my oldest was three! I'm talking, arching his back, genuine snotty tears, flailing limbs, screaming, the whole nine yards. I gave up clean up as a lost cause and just picked him up, said our goodbyes and just walked out. It was so loud that EVERYONE stopped and stared! The whole time I was singing our "when your feeling mad..." song and counting to ten. When we got out to the car, and I put him in his car seat, he finally stopped, like nothing happened!! How easy it is for tots to forget what seems permanently scarred into my memory!
And it was like that the whole day! Stopped by the library to return our books and pick out new ones, we lasted less than five minutes before both of the boys started. The same thing, I carried both my three year old and my two year old under each arm, kicking a screaming back through the mall (our library is in the mall...) to the car. And at the park! each ended with me carrying two boys (not small boys) under each arm and trying to make sure my niece doesn't run out into the street! It was a nightmarish day that ended with me finally yelling (which scared my son, because it's not often that I yell out of anger without the pillow!) and tears. My husband came down from work and sent me to the science fair with our eldest and so the final end was actually really nice. But it was just one of those awful days where you wish you could scrub it from your memory! Today, it's as if nothing happened, and here we are, outside and running without the tantrums! But, we are hunkered down and ready to not go anywhere for a few days!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2015 : 1:19:43 PM
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And my brother found a house. He's coming to pick them up next week, so I am kind of going through swinging emotions of relief, guilt, sadness, guilt, joy, guilt, loss. It's crazy! I told my brother that things need to change for the kids and he needs to seek out support groups. I've looked online, but the only resource to point him to was County Mental Health services. I just hope he follows through.
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2015 : 11:20:51 AM
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I'm praying for you Ally. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Song Sparrow
True Blue Farmgirl
1010 Posts
Amy
Talleyville
Delaware
USA
1010 Posts |
Posted - Apr 09 2015 : 3:58:40 PM
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Hi Ally, although our situations are different, they are both about putting aside our own needs and taking care of family. I too wonder about how crazy I must be and yet it feels absolutely right. Here's the thing - you're investing in the healing of two precious young lives, and in helping your brother learn to be a better dad. Sounds pretty sane to me! I'm sending big hugs and lots of prayers. You are special!
In every life there is a story, in every story there is a song .
Song Sparrow |
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AdeleHale
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
Jennifer
Columbus
Georgia
31 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2015 : 12:18:18 PM
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Ally, how has this turned out? How are things now?
To answer your initial question, what were you thinking? The answer is just this: LOVE. You showed those kids and your brother, too, that there is a different way to live, that there are adults who care about children enough to teach them the right way to be, that they and their actions matter. There is no greater gift to anyone anywhere ever.
Jennifer
soon-to-be wife, mom to 2 teenage boys and 1 tween girl, companion to 3 cats and a dog. Always learning . . . |
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl
2474 Posts
Bonnie
Minneapolis
Minnesota
USA
2474 Posts |
Posted - Apr 11 2015 : 6:10:26 PM
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Ally: you surely have had your hands full. Hugs and god's blessings.
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2015 : 9:44:29 PM
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Hello everyone! An update on everything that has been happening!
So, my brother came and got the kids and took them back to Cali! They were very happy to see their Daddy and he was so happy to see them! It made it worth it to see my brother relaxed and ready to be Mr. Mom! And he really stepped up! I sent them home with half of our children's books (and that was kinda hard because I am a book hoarder...) but they were very happy to have the books! About once a week, we have a call and everything is going well! When I spoke to my niece this week, her language was so clear and I could understand her! My brother takes them to the library, and the park, he reads to them and he's just more present! He watches movies with them instead of just sitting them in front of the tv! And it's paying off! My niece is catching up and she'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall! She's completely potty trained and has been accident free (day)! And my brother said she's waking up at night to use the toilet, which is really fantastic! And my nephew has also decided that he wants to use the potty as well, so he's in training pants and quickly learning!
As stressful as it was when they were up here, I think it was a catalyst for the changes in their lives! I know I wasn't perfect at parenting four kids, but they seem to be happy and adjusting to their new lives easily. And my brother did say "Thank you isn't enough." And what's cool about that is he stuck with it and followed my advice! That's all the thanks I needed. Except, when I'm ready for that Hawaiian vacation he promised me in the unspecified future! Then I'll be feelin' really good!! LOL!!
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! It's taken a little while for me to push through emotionally, but it was a comfort to know that you all were here to cheer me on and give those digital hugs! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Song Sparrow
True Blue Farmgirl
1010 Posts
Amy
Talleyville
Delaware
USA
1010 Posts |
Posted - Apr 21 2015 : 11:16:22 AM
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Hi Ally! What wonderful news, you must be so happy. You have given so much to you brother and his children,and it made such a difference in their lives. While you're waiting for that Hawaiian vaca, be extra nice to yourself . . . You deserve it!
Peace in our hearts, peace in the world
Amy www.danaherandcloud.com
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notathreatinsight
True Blue Farmgirl
626 Posts
Erin
Monroeville
IN
USA
626 Posts |
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AdeleHale
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
Jennifer
Columbus
Georgia
31 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2015 : 01:48:41 AM
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| Awww. So glad your brother stepped up and it all worked out! All the love. |
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Family Matters: What was I thinking? |
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What was I thinking?
