| Author |
Across the Fence:  Uh-oh---what would you do?  |
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 5:35:47 PM
|
I went to a meeting of my support group on thursday night. It's for people who have depression. I've been going pretty regularly for about four years. I've never had any problems (worth mentioning) with the man who facilitates the group. He's been doing it for twenty years or more and the other members like him. At this last meeting, he gave me an e-mail address of a site that he said has free downloads of music. (He knows I like music).So I went to it tonight and...it's a porn website. I feel kind of sickened that this man would be visiting porn websites. I'm sure it was a mistake that he gave me that particular e-mail address but just knowing that he's visiting these sites...now I feel like I don't want to go back to the group. And I don't want to explain to the others WHY I don't want to go back. What would you do?
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea, Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. And cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - prariehawk on Jul 12 2014 8:36:58 PM |
|
|
natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 5:57:59 PM
|
I wouldn't be able to go back. I would like to say I would be able to tell him why when he calls to ask, but I probably wouldn't be able to do that either. I'm a very shy person.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
 |
|
|
Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 8:31:58 PM
|
Is it possible that maybe the website had a letter or number interchanged somehow?Often times, websites will be so close matching in their web addresses and he wrote it down wrong. It could have been a mistake on his part and not him being dirty? I hope that is all it was. I would go back and let him know of the issue. There is no reason for you to miss out on something important to you because he has possibly dirty mind. I am so sorry that happened.
Hugs,
Jessica
F.K.A. CRsHelpmeet
"A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence to admire the flowers in your garden."
Farmgirl Sister #235 |
|
|
|
Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 8:41:50 PM
|
I agree with Jessica. It is so easy to make a slight mistake when you try to share a website address. If you have trusted this man for so long, 4 years, and have never had a concern it seems unlikely that he meant for this to happen. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. If it is an error, it may mean he has never been to that porn site either.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
|
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 8:45:23 PM
|
Sadly, I doubt that it's a mistake. He said something a few weeks ago that made me wonder about him. He got the e-mail address off his cell phone and wrote it down for me--so I believe it was an address he had on his cell phone. I think he just didn't realize that it wasn't an address for downloading music. And he did say something inappropriate to me about a month ago, but I let it slide. Now that I think about it, the signs have been there for a while. It's sad.
Cindy |
|
|
|
Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 10:39:56 PM
|
This creates a serious issue of trust for you and the whole group. I don't know how your group is set up, but maybe it's something you could bring up in group, in a non-accusatory way?
Another thought. If he is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), you can ask your state's licensing bureau how to file a Request for Professional Review for suspected ethics violations. There may be other members of the support group who have less self-esteem and fortitude than you who could be traumatized by him, and doing this might save someone from that awful experience.
If your support group comes under the umbrella of an organization (a family service-type nonprofit, hospital, church, social service agency, or whatever), you might want to have a little heart-to-heart with its administrator. It could be that there have been other complaints and your expression of concern would be the tipping point for having him replaced by a better facilitator on the spot.
Of course, it is possible that the things you've observed or just gotten a bad feeling about are perfectly innocent, but I think in your situation, I would want to take some kind of action to resolve the matter one way or the other.
Good luck! |
|
|
|
LadyInRed
True Blue Farmgirl
6740 Posts
PeggyAnn
Vancouver
WA
USA
6740 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 12:45:44 AM
|
Many music sites are notorious avenues for pornography to get on...I stay off of them
Unless they are Christian music sites. I think this guy surely knows. I would tell him what you discovered and tell him not to pass on anymore info to you or anyone else.
I was a counselor...what he did was inappropriate.
Blessings,
Peggy
Farmgirl #1326
http://ladyinredsite.blogspot.com
Life is too short to knit with ugly yarn!
Leave Your Cares Behind...Join Us On The Porch
|
|
|
|
Autumn
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Holly
Ontario
Canada
44 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 06:19:32 AM
|
I agree that the issue could be as simple as a mistaken web address. Porn sites buy out similar web addresses to very popular ones so they can get more hits As someone who pirates a lot (yarrr) I have to say it's not uncommon to discover these websites. I remember my friend and I finding one in the sixth grade! We were looking for the History Channel website...one typo and we were mortified.
That being said, you've mentioned that this guy is acting kind of strange and has said things that aren't welcomed. I'm worried he might be taking advantage of some very vulnerable people... This sounds like sexual harassment and I'd be very worried for other women within your group. As someone who battled depression I can say that it was easy for guys to manipulate me and treat me like crap, I can imagine the same can be said for others within your group. They might not have the confidence to stand up against him and speak out. I agree with Rosemary that he needs to be investigated if at all possible. He might be abusing his position.
I think you should attend the support group for two reasons, the first is because you obviously find it beneficial, the second is so you can observe his behavior. Maybe tell a friend within the group so you have another witness in case you suspect anything. I wouldn't talk to him personally, I'd avoid him during breaks. Don't give him any alone time. I also don't know if I'd confront him about the website because for all we know maybe that was the intention; maybe he gets off on shocking women.
When I worked in retail there was this one pervy customer who would purposely bend over so his thong would hang out. He only did it when he saw a girl alone. He apparently did it all over the city, too. I told all the other girls to ignore him and report him to security. If we paid him any attention that would only satisfy him and encourage his behavior. Some people simply do things for the thrill of it, which might be the case here. My concern is that it could lead into even more aggressive and abusive behavior.
I would much rather hope the whole thing was an honest mistake because if it turns out he's sexually harassing you and other women it will really complicate matters. |
|
|
|
churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3957 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3957 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 08:47:54 AM
|
I agree with what other's have said here. I do believe that someone in authority should know about your concerns. I'm not certain about telling a friend in the group about it. They may not be strong enough to handle the information and you could be labeled as a trouble maker. I would, in this situation, write out what has happened and include all the details: time, date, what was said, the website address and how you feel about it. Take it along the next time you see your nurse, psychiatrist or administrator when you talk to them about it or just, if you don't want to talk about it, leave the document with them and ask them to read it. This will provide written documentation and may be useful to keep your memory precise and clear. If an investigation is warranted, the administrators can decide that. As far as staying with the group, I know I would be distracted by my feelings about this therapist and could no longer get a benefit from his counsel. I am surprised that the clinic doesn't have a female therapist for an all female group.
I have also been in therapy for mental illness for quite some time and have never encountered a situation such as this. When I have been in a mixed group, there was always a male and female therapist available and in all female groups there was always a female therapist. When and if you talk to an administrator, they will ask you about a possible solution so be prepared with a couple ideas.
Twenty years is a long time to be a therapist. I know that even therapists need therapy. Perhaps this is necessary for him at this point. As I said before, your mistrust of him could hurt your own well being. You may be doing him a favor by alerting his supervisor to this. And remember that this whole thing could be a big mistake and misunderstanding. In any case, you must take care of yourself and bring ease back to your mind. Keep us informed.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
|
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 11:23:31 AM
|
Thank you for your replies. This man is not a licensed therapist--he's someone who suffers from depression himself and has had "training" to lead a group. That being said, I've never had any communication with the administrators of the non-profit group that oversees the various support groups. I think what I might do is bring it up with my therapist, who is a licensed social worker and has no affiliation with the non-profit organization. I think the other group members would be upset if I told them about it. And I agree, sometimes the therapist needs a therapist. This guy is in no way a professional and seems to have issues of his own that he's not dealing with. I don't want to see him replaced by someone else--the other group members would blame me for being a troublemaker. I know from past experience that when you're dealing with a group, and the well-liked leader of the group does something wrong, other group members will rush to protect the leader. I don't want to go through that again. There are people in my town who hate me to this day for that very reason.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
doll58maker
True Blue Farmgirl
2259 Posts
G
TX
USA
2259 Posts |
Posted - Jul 13 2014 : 8:19:01 PM
|
Cindy I think discussing it with your own therapist first is the best idea. Writing it down like Marie said is also good advice. Good luck to you. Hope you sleep tonight.
GG
|
|
|
|
Nana Shirl
True Blue Farmgirl
352 Posts
Shirley
Kit Carson
Colorado
USA
352 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2014 : 06:40:12 AM
|
I agree..talk to your professional therapist..They can start the ball rollin to look into this descretely..and follow thru..there may be others not as strong as you, who would never say anything...I just think he could claim ...You are the one who got the site wrong and get out of it...I am so sorry..something that has been of help to you has been compromised...I also know "gut feelings"..and those who abuse their powers are master manipulators. I pray you are stronger than you may know...and can be guided to another group ..maybe one day you could be a leader of a group.? A lot of healing can come from helping others..I also agree..documentation definitely... I will keep you in my prayers my friend.
You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis |
|
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2014 : 6:28:38 PM
|
Well...I checked the website again and found that two of the letters were mixed up. THAT being said, I still know that this guy views porn because of something he said recently. and he did make a very derogatory--(he seemed to think it was funny) statement about me. I've been feeling kind of leery about him for a while. When I first started attending this group, we used to get about 15 to 20 people each week. Now we're lucky if we get 6 or 7. Lots of people have stopped coming and I think part of it is his attitude--shared by some of the other "regulars"--that there is no cure for depression. He says that to new people and I think it scares them away. There is ALWAYS healing available--maybe not a "cure" but there is definitely healing--if you just know where to look for it. It's within yourself but accessing it is not always easy. I really like some of the other people in the group but maybe it's time to part ways. I've told the other people in the group that one of the best ways to get out of a depressive slump is to get involved in "something bigger than yourself". But it seems to fall on deaf ears. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
Nana Shirl
True Blue Farmgirl
352 Posts
Shirley
Kit Carson
Colorado
USA
352 Posts |
Posted - Jul 14 2014 : 9:50:20 PM
|
Hi Cindy.hope you had a better day. As you said in your last post..there is always healing. You seem to have looked inside yourself and answered your own doubts. You are a very strong woman. I will keep you in my heart. Blessings.. by the way .. I love your quotes.
You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis |
|
|
|
Autumn
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Holly
Ontario
Canada
44 Posts |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 07:51:49 AM
|
Perhaps it is best to leave the group. I hope that you'll be able to find something better for yourself. It already sounds like you know what you want in a support group, which is good. I think you're right about getting involved in something "bigger than yourself", the only problem is that depression is often marked by a complete lack of motivation, which is probably why so many of your group members aren't taking your advice. It's hard trying to give people advice in these situations. Just focus on taking good care of yourself and don't feel too responsible for others in the group.
Best wishes!
*AUTUMN* |
|
|
|
churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3957 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3957 Posts |
Posted - Jul 15 2014 : 12:08:21 PM
|
Of course there is no "cure" for depression. However, many people have found ways to lessen its effects. I have never given up on myself. I have tried drugs, personal therapy, group therapy, ECT and have finally hit on what works for me. First, I stopped knocking my head against the wall looking for a paying job. I started volunteering at a grade school just one half block away from home. I was approved for disability and now my major source of stress was gone. I was given a prescription for an anti-depressant which is an old friend and works very well. I am going through "the change" and I believe that the chemical readjustment is helping me also. I have a good psychiatrist, personal therapist and an excellent group to go to once a week if I need to. I no longer get screamingly angry at everything and anything that pi**es me off. I no longer yell at my husband in anger. I have never been so happy in all of my life. My only sadness is that it took so long and so much heartache to get here. As always, Cindy, the only person you have control of is yourself. Do what is best for you.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
Edited by - churunga on Jul 15 2014 12:09:34 PM |
|
|
|
Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 16 2014 : 2:06:34 PM
|
Cindy: I agree with Marie, do what is best for you. I'll be praying for you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
|
|
|
prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 6:09:02 PM
|
I've talked to some people about this situation and they all agree that he made a vulgar comment about some pictures and he made a sexually suggestive comment to me. This has all happened recently. If we were having the meetings at a bar instead of a hospital, I might be more inclined to ignore it. But I don't care for bars, and men who make comments like that are the reason. It's hard to let go after so long. But it's no longer beneficial for me to go to these meetings. I'm going to give the other group a try and hope that the facilitator is more professional. There has to be something better for me out there.
Cindy
"Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free; And stand where the peaks meet the sky and the rocks reach the sea.Where the rivers run clear and the bracken is gold in the sun. and cares of tomorrow must wait till this day is done"--Loreena McKennit
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
Rosemary
True Blue Farmgirl
1825 Posts
Virginia
USA
1825 Posts |
Posted - Jul 17 2014 : 6:40:39 PM
|
| Good for you, Cindy. I still think someone in authority has to be alerted to this man's behavior. Maybe your therapist can advise you on how -- or whether -- to take any action toward that end. |
|
|
| |
Across the Fence: Uh-oh---what would you do? |
|
Uh-oh---what would you do?
