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Holidays:  What happened to "its the thought that counts?"  |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 03:00:38 AM
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WARNING! This is a bit of a rant. A somewhat mild-mannered and hopefully well-worded rant, but a rant nonetheless. My irritation with this particular topic has been building for years and hit a tipping point recently.
I used to thoroughly enjoy giving gifts. Finding just the right thing for the recipient, taking time to wrap it in some pretty way, sometimes having to to make a trip to the post office to send it off somewhere other than where I was. It was one of my greater joys in life, knowing that an often simple gesture brightened up someone's day and let them know they were in the thoughts of another.
Sorry if I sound dramatic, but I've been robbed of this joy, to the point I all but give up on the whole gift thing. I thought perhaps I simply had a rather rude collection of friends and family, but in talking to others, it isn't just me.
First thank you notes went by the wayside, but to have actually contact the recipient to find out if the package even arrived because it was not acknowledged in any way? At first it was younger recipients who maybe have not been taught what I see as a common courtesy, but then it became more and older recipients. The response to the question "DId the gift arrive?" is often "Oh - sorry - I'm just so busy I forgot to let you know." We're almost all busy, aren't we?
Next was the Great Gift Card Takeover. IMHO these are for young couples starting out, much older people who don't need more stuff, etc. Clearly, gift cards have their place. But they have become the standard payment for birthdays, Christmas, etc, and that is exactly how I see it - I feel like I am paying someone for a holiday. There is no thought to the gift at all and it is as impersonal as it gets, aside from handing over a wad of cash. It is often the only answer I get when I ask what to get nieces and nephews for birthdays and Christmas, and when I press a bit to find out interests of said kids in order to select a gift, many parents continue to campaign for the gift card so the kid can get exactly what they want.
Aha. Herein lies a big part of the problem. In my little world, it appears many of these young people are not being taught how to accept a gift. They have been well trained to expect to get precisely what they want and nothing else.
Is this bubbling up to some adults who maybe are too used to the way gifts are handled for kids? We've gotten invitations to parties where gift instructions for gift cards to specific stores are preferred, and I've seen kids look a little lost if they have the nerve to show up with a gift they took the time to select for the recipient.
Where have we gotten to when someone is made to feel bad for giving a gift because it is not what the recipient demanded?!
Again, IMHO, this whole Farmgirl mindset and lifestyle is, among other things, being appreciative for what we have, living with grace, finding joy in the simple things, and looking back to how our parents, grandparents and even great grandparents lived for some clues as to how things might be nicer for us in the here and now.
I think back to gift giving amongst especially my mom's family. Simple, often handmade gifts were given. How much one person spent V the value of the gift received was not discussed. If yellow was the favorite color but blue is what was given, then the giver was thanked for the lovely blue widget - no one would event think of announcing "I wanted yellow.".
Perhaps I am too old fashioned, but this is an area to which I cannot adapt to the current trends. I was sorely tempted one year at Christmas to give everyone books on manners, but then I'd be the one being rude : )
What are your thoughts? I sincerely hope there are stories of the opposing side of this coin, but I am also curious if anyone else feels the same as I do.
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princesspatches
True Blue Farmgirl
431 Posts
arttie
iron mountain
michigan
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 03:48:35 AM
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Cindy,
I am in total agreement with you. I am always surprised when I receive a thank you card or even a phone call thanking me for a gift.
And yes, kids are being raised to be spoiled brats in the gift department. If it is not EXACTLY what they hoped and dreamt of they throw a temper tantrum. I do not know how we have gotten to this place in our world.
I am working hard to raise my children differently. And hopefully, it will work. I see them compared to my nieces and nephews and I am thankful they are great kids. They appreciate the small simple things in life. They do not covet brand names or expensive gadgets.
As far as giving gifts. I only make hand-made gifts and everyone knows it. And as I have grown older and my products have become better......I ONLY give to those I know will appreciate it. Others, get nothing.
Arttie |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 03:55:49 AM
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Aaaaaaaaargh! Typo in the title! I tried to type too early this morning : )
Artie-thanks for the reply. There is an odd comfort in knowing it is not just me. I wish this wasn't a problem at all, though. |
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windypines
True Blue Farmgirl
4178 Posts
Michele
Bruce
Wisconsin
USA
4178 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 05:19:42 AM
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I agree with you Cindy and Arttie. It is very rude to not acknowledge a gift. A thankyou note, a phone call, even an email counts in my book. I too have learned who I give homemade gifts too, and to who I would buy something. Asking a person where they got the gift, so the person can return it (unless doesn't fit) is the worst. (in my book anyways) I had a close relative getting married, and at the shower they had the game where everyone writes their address on the thank you card envelope. Well she could not even send thankyou notes out when half the work was done already. Horrible and lazy in my opinion.
Michele |
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4737 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4737 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 05:26:58 AM
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I sadly have experienced the same thing whenever I give gifts too. I have always disliked gift cards. There's no fun in wrapping or getting them in my opinion. My oldest son is the only one who writes a thank you card in his generation. I have helped throw bridal and baby showers and never received a thank you from the guest(s) of honor. I have sent wedding and baby gifts, again, never to hear a word if they got them, heaven forbid they say "thanks".
I gave up on expecting, then hoping, for a simple "thank you" email even. I give gifts now because I want to, not because I feel I have to. When I send or give someone a gift, I fully expect not to ever hear thank you or anything else about the gift from them. I only give gifts now when I really want to and know that will be pretty much the end of the story. I am no longer disappointed to never hear a word from the recipient. I feel good for doing something nice and leave it like that.
I have 3 sons and always had them send "thank you's" for anything they ever got from someone. The oldest and youngest continue to do it on their own, the middle one (age 28) does not, but he telephones and says thanks. So, I am happy they are doing things the nice and correct way and I quit being angry about those who do not.
Dawn in IL |
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lovinRchickens
True Blue Farmgirl
3440 Posts
Kelly
Pipe Creek
Texas
USA
3440 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 07:44:40 AM
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I too experience that type of what seems to be ungrateful behavior. I do not like it one bit. But I will have to agree with Dawn in that it is the giving that should make us feel good. We should not get disappointed when we do not receive the Thank you. I just try to lead by example and pray it rubs off on people.
Farmgirl #5111
Blessings
~Kelly~ |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 09:12:04 AM
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Reading lovinRchicken's response just helped crystallize what my problem is with this: I thought it was bad enough to not be thanked or not have a gift acknowledged, but that it has turned in to (sometimes) actual complaints about a gift is what has pushed me over the edge. I can be happy giving the gift and don't need thanked, but no thanks PLUS a complaint has me uninspired.
A great big thank you to the parents who are setting the good examples with the kids! |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 09:24:33 AM
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Hmmm... Wise words here. Maybe that's the key... It's not the gratitude received, but rather the thought of the person and the gift from the heart that counts. I'm like you, Dawn - I give because I want to, because it gives me great joy to bless another; not because it's a requirement. And I give from the heart, so I don't really lay a lot of weight on demands. If it's a demanded item, it's not a gift - it's more of a tax on the relationship, wouldn't you agree? That's not to say that gift registries for weddings, for example, don't have their place, of course. But if someone gets upset that they didn't get exactly what they want, then they really do need to go back to Kindergarten and relearn how to play nice with others. It is always so nice to receive acknowledgment, of course; but I'm with Dawn and Kelly on that, too. It's not about the thank you we receive, it's about the blessing we give. If someone doesn't acknowledge it to me, I'm sure the thoughtfulness still made God smile; and if God smiles, that's the greatest possible joy of gift giving! :)
Having said all of that, though... It sure would be nice if social graces were taught more intently at home, and that, perhaps, basic proper etiquette would be taught in schools, because, to be sadly truthful, I don't think a lot of people in the last two or three generations, especially, have had them instilled and ingrained in them as they should have been. It's funny, though, because all of my son's friends say please and thank you when they're visiting. One time we were at a party and one of the mothers turned to me after her son had thanked me for handing him something. She was incredulous and said, "Thank you?! Thank you?! How do YOU rate? He's never said thank you to ME before!" I was so stunned. I didn't even know how to answer her! I suspect it's only because we treat the kids with that same respect - they hear it here all the time! But I sure didn't want to insult her by saying so... I'm not sure that there IS a nice way of putting it.
"Again, IMHO, this whole Farmgirl mindset and lifestyle is, among other things, being appreciative for what we have, living with grace, finding joy in the simple things, and looking back to how our parents, grandparents and even great grandparents lived for some clues as to how things might be nicer for us in the here and now." You've got that right, Judy! Amen! Over in my strain about Rosie the Riveter, Mara aka Rosemary ponders how we farmgirls will inspire the girls of tomorrow... I think that you just most eloquently answered her question! :)
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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kymomma4
True Blue Farmgirl
516 Posts
RoDonna
Frankfort
Kentucky
USA
516 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2013 : 1:08:59 PM
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What a great answer Nini! I've tried really hard to make sure my children use "Thank You", "Please", and "Yes/No, Sir/Maam". My mother made sure that I did. My daughter received a doll that this lady used to play with and she will be giving her a thank you card. We would have sent it but we didn't have her address so she will hand it to her. My kids love homemade things and don't look for the brand name stuff. I mean they like getting stuff they are interested in, but don't complain when it's not it. One thing that gets me though is when people take things back to the store to get a refund or exchange it for something else. The day after Christmas you can't get in Wal-Mart or the other stores for people doing exchanges. I can understand if it's not the right size and you're getting one that fits but don't do it because you don't like it. I don't think that I've ever exchanged anything ever.
So I believe it's our duty to inspire these other generations to learn manners. It's our job as parents to do so. Our children and their friends watch every move that we make and imitate us. So let's be an inspiration!
Farmgirl #2361
"Blessed is the farmgirl who helps make the world a better and healthy place" ~ Me
"For she is clothed with dignity and strength and without fear of the future"-Proverbs 31:25
www.marykay.com/rcarson4 |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 08:38:11 AM
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Unfortunately, the younger generation can be somewhat rebellious and ungrateful, my kids included.
I have always made them (and I really mean "made them") write thank you notes for gifts, even friends at school. They hate it, but I still enforce it.
I went through the trouble of dehydrating onions and making onion powder, and graciously gave some to my 19 yo dd who moved out. Did I get a thank you? Nope. When that happens (with my kids), I generally send off a text " You are welcome ...." and end it with that.
Someday they'll get it. I hope anyway. I'm not young, but I'm not old, and I was taught to be thankful, say thank you, please, and whatnot. I was taught to write thank you notes and mail them too.
I even remind my kids to say thank you to their Dad for working every day for this family, to say thank you when someone cooks a meal, etc.
I am a very giving person too. I give because I want to (when I can).
Farmgirl Sister #800
My Life: http://pioneerwomanatheart.blogspot.com/
Recycle Ideas: http://scrapreusedandrecycledartprojects.blogspot.com/
Our Family Store: http://roosterscrowfarm.blogspot.com/
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lisalisa
True Blue Farmgirl
216 Posts
Lisa
Broomall
PA
USA
216 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2013 : 07:39:14 AM
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Oh my gosh, Cindy, it's so nice to know that I'm not alone. What ever happened to common courtesy?! I always make my kids write thank-you notes, and my 25-year old will ask me for someone's address if a gift is left here for her (she doesn't live here anymore). At least I'm trying to raise my kids right, and hopefully, it will carry on.
Kristina, I agree - every time a meal is eaten we all thank the person who stood at the stove and cooked, and also to everyone at the table. My kids used to ask me why, and I said, you're thanking them for their company!
It's a different world today, but I'm trying to do the right thing in my own home - my little corner of the world. Maybe it will spread out into the bigger world! |
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4737 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4737 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2013 : 07:55:33 AM
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I am happy to say that I received a "thank you" yesterday in the mail from a baby shower I went to on Saturday! I was amazed to get a card and astounded they got them out in the mail that fast!
There's still hope for some people to stop and remember to say thanks!
Dawn in IL |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3931 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3931 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2013 : 3:52:50 PM
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I do not have kids so I am an expert at how and what to teach them. LOL I ALWAYS send thank you notes. When I look for jobs, I always send a thank you to the person who interviewed me. In fact, I got a job BECAUSE I had sent a thank you. Maybe that could be a wake up for some.
I don't expect to get thank you's but I am obligated to give them and I do so . . . liberally.
I have another type of problem with gifts. When I give a gift, I know it is no longer my property and I have no say in what happens to it next. I think it is so cool that my nephew chewed on and dragged around the afghan I made him until it became a tattered 6" square of fabric and had to be thrown away. Many times, I have gotten a gift which is something I could not really use. I try to find it a good home and when I clean up, I donate it if I still haven't found a home for it. Yes I am a Regifter! I have had people ask me about the gift and, in a couple of cases, they have been very disappointed that I gave their gift from them to someone else or done something different with it than THEY intended.
What's up with that!?
Marie, Sister #5142
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Holidays: What happened to "its the thought that counts?" |
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What happened to "its the thought that counts?"
