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Parenting & Farm Kids:  Preschool and kindergarten cruelty?  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 06:36:27 AM
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I have a question for moms (If you can remember the 3-5 year old phase, please, boy or girl, doesn't matter). Does or did your child exhibit a tendency towards cruelty to other children? Or, alternately, is or was your child on the receiving end of such behavior? I don't mean pushing or shoving, I mean cold, calculating words that wound. Violet was treated abominably last night by a "5 year old" while she was trying to make friends and play at a train table in a bookstore. There have been other times when she's been ignored, or that she's been stared at like she had three heads (I guess because most 4 year olds don't introduce themselves, tell your their age, where they live and how many pets they have and ask you the same questions)
She is an only child, and begins preschool this fall. She is desperate for association with children, and uses every shopping excursion as an opportunity to make friends. She approached these girls with her usual personality. Bubbling, very, very, very open. She asked if she could play, the little girls ignored her and the mothers responded, "yes of course!" then went back to talking...I could see it was a little slow going. I told her to introduce herself (as an icebreaker because the little girls were totally cold and weren't engaging). After she told them her name and her age asked them the same questions, to which no one responded, she turned to me and said, "Look mommy, I've made some new friends!" and that's when the little girl said to her, "no, you haven't. We're not friends and we're not likely to be." I let that pass and just listened. Even while this little girl KNEW I was her mother (and that her own mother was within an ears distance) she continued to treat Violet like this. Rolling her eyes, telling her she was dirty (she did have hot chocolate on her shirt), stuff like that. I have to be honest, my blood BOILED.
I guess I'm taken a back a bit because I thought this behavior began more towards 2nd grade (at least, that's when I remember becoming aware) Personally, I do not remember much before kindergarten, kid-association wise. I finally removed Violet from the situation by telling her that it appeared these little girls had "all the friends they needed" and I told the little ring-leader f the group, who did all the talking, that she was a very rude little girl. Then I looked at their mothers and we left. Me, in tears, Violet in tears. Violet kept insisting that these girls were her friends and that they loved her and I tried, constructively, to point out that real friends aren't mean like that. How do you tell a little person that "no, in fact, she did NOT like you. She treated you like garbage." I spent much of the evening explaining that, above all else, we should be kind to each other. And tried to use it as a learning experience--for both of us. But I tossed and turned all night and feel dread for what's to come in the future.
I am posting this because I could use some guidance as to how to handle this in the future. I know many of you are mothers now, are mother's who have been there, done that, mother's who have not yet experienced this. I want to do my best for Violet and I could sure use some conversation about this.
Thanks!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 06:58:52 AM
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WOW, it amazes me how kids act now a days, no manners, no morals, and its starting earlier and earlier...my baby is now 32, but I have grandchildren, and I know they do not act this way...I don't know how I would of handled this, probally with extreme anger...I really don't know what to say, but I'm sure some of the other girls will share their opinions and experiences...I am so sorry your daughter and you had to deal with these nasty brats...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 07:12:20 AM
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I don't want to be mean here ... and I am not trying to be, and I hate to state the obvious ... but, kids are cruel, I am sure you remember that from school right?
Also children learn what they live, simply put. Garbage in garbage out ...
Really, every mother wants their child to be popular in school, but by today's standards at what cost is that popularity?
If I had it to do all over again, and was raising a child in today's world, I would home school them and make sure they had other interaction with their peers ... Library, day care, play dates, private school ... I am sure there are plenty of ways to have kids interact today.
I feel for you, I feel for today' society ... and what we are raising up for our(their) future.
I wish you and your daughter much luck with the new school year!
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
www.whitesheepfarm.com
http://whitesheepfarm.wordpress.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 07:15:16 AM
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Tina, I think that's exactly why I'm so floored. I couldn't believe the age of this child...and the audacity. This is an affluent area of the city where the bookstore is and the underlying current I got from this little girl was "classism" She even told my daughter, "Are you visiting here? You certainly don't look like you live here." I guess I should have diffused it earlier, but as I said, I think I was taken off guard. I couldn't believe this child was so horrible.
I really feel bad about it. I'm glad you said you'd be mad. Because I'm mad as a wet hen.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 07:20:33 AM
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Teri, are they really that cruel at such an early age? Because my child isn't. That's not to say she can't be a stinker, but she cultivates relationships with other children. You seem to be pretty confident it's normal and yes, later in age it is. Psychologists write book after book on this matter--about pre-teen and primary school cruelty and bullying. I think you might have noticed one of my major concerns was that these children are YOUNG. Too young. Sorry, but I don't find that it's just a "this is the way it is." matter.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 09:03:44 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by FebruaryViolet
Psychologists write book after book on this matter--about pre-teen and primary school cruelty and bullying.
Now, all we need to do is get everyone to read all those books ... wouldn't it be a wonderful world if they did.
Again, good luck with the new school year.
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
www.whitesheepfarm.com
http://whitesheepfarm.wordpress.com/ |
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princesspatches
True Blue Farmgirl
431 Posts
arttie
iron mountain
michigan
USA
431 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 09:22:34 AM
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Jonni,
Terri is right. Kids are cruel and mean to each other. Girls more than boys. Boys still just duke it out and go on their way. But girls come up with new and unusual ways to torture each other. And it is all happening at younger ages. Kids are maturing at alarming rates these days. And it is very scary. What we did in high school, they are doing in middle school, and right down the line. My 8 year old acts like she could get a job and move out at any time.
And I see how the girls treat our Katie (15 years old), and I am appalled.
We try really hard to surround our kids with other 'good' kids from family, community, church etc. We try to keep the bad influence kids away as much as possible.
Once Violet starts school, she will make friends. She will find a 'best friend' and it will all work out. Kids have a way of socializing with each other in a way that works.
But I will not lie to you......You are going to have many sleepless nights. She is going to come home crying with hurt feelings. And you are going to be crushed. These are all life experiences that kids go through. And it stinks!
All you can do is provided a soft place for her to land everyday. So she can recover and grow.
Good luck
Arttie |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 11:44:53 AM
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I guess I'm still shocked that a 5 year old treated my 4 year old like this. Guess I have a lot to learn--however, if this behavior IS becoming the norm, I will be vigilant at her new preschool. I've located ONE reference to this type of behavior on the PBS kids website in a section about raising girls and preschool behaviors. It basically says, "it's not acceptable" and can have real detrimental effects on children and their interest in school. While I think that Violet could hold her own (and frankly, I'd have been a lot happier if she WOULD have just slugged that little girl), I still find that I'm not interested in entertaining it. I won't be popular, and I'm not going to intervene with every nit pick, but I'm not going to have her made to feel less than when all she wants to do is be friendly.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2875 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2875 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2013 : 4:00:09 PM
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Snyde Park Jonni??
What a shame for Violet. Move to Georgetown; our kids are friendly here, and chocolate, grass stains, and ground in dirt are welcome on any and all articles of clothing.
Seriously though, I think I saw you mention that you were going to a church. Do they have a youth program at all? Although the oldsters far outweigh the kids in our church, the LYO(Lutheran YOuth Organization) does SOOO many things. Activities galore. & the neat thing is that for the most parts, all ages participate, so the young kids can be around the older ones, which they love. (& I have never heard a harsh word.) Church groups are usually a safe bet. Try that, & like the others said, once she gets to school, she will naturally develop friendships,.
Don't let this one experience spark your radar.
"We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.” – R.R. |
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hudsonsinaf
True Blue Farmgirl
3162 Posts
Shannon
Rozet
Wyoming
USA
3162 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2013 : 06:31:14 AM
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Unfortunately, yes, that behavior is fairly normal in children :( My oldest, when she was about the same age, was treated with similar disdain - in church no less! That was 5-6 years ago and when I first learned it was so prevalent. Unfortunately, though the mother of the child and i became friends, I would agree that the child generally learns it from what he/she sees. The fact that the mother did not say a word about the way her child spoke to yours, speaks volumes!
We home school our children and still see some of this within the home schooling community, though honestly, not nearly as much. Instead, we are generally surrounded by other families that are use to getting along with children of all ages, rather than just their age, if that makes sense. My 7 yo will swear to you that his best friend is a 15 year old. The young man he is talking about treats my son just like a younger brother EVERY time they are together. It is fabulous.
In any case, I pray things get better and sweet Violet makes some REAL friends in the near future. To get her around other children, you may want to engage her in an activity that she is interested in - 4H? ballet? gymnastics? a sport? girl scouts? etc. Church is a great way for children to map friends as well, but just because someone goes to church doesn't mean the child will not face the same cruelness!
HTH
~ Shannon |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2013 : 06:50:21 AM
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Jonni, Kansas is so like Violet, I wish we lived closer so they could play together. Kansas is the same way. Loves everyone. No one is a stranger to her. She talks to anyone who will talk to her. And she has some bad experiences like Violet does a lot. She is in summer day camp this summer. There are some really mean kids there. They ignore her sometimes. Not always though. Things are better now. But I have noticed that kids are meaner these days to other kids. It's like they are not taught to be nice or how t talk to toher kids. Or how to share. Or even have a conversation. And I have noticed especially boys. It's really sad to see how boys are treating girls these days.
Kris
The good beekeeper is generally more or less cranky. C.P. Dadant
www.kris-outbackfarm.blogspot.com
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hawkin_farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
63 Posts
Micah
Austin
Texas
USA
63 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2013 : 07:10:25 AM
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Jonni, my little guy is only 23 months but we're already seeing the same thing on the playground!
He's tall for his age, so he naturally gravitates to older children. But his speech isn't up to their level yet. I've seen 4-6 year olds push him around, be mean to him about his speech, and generally ignore him when he so desperately wants to play. And how the heck do you explain to him that they don't want to?! I do try to redirect or move to another part of the playground, but he keeps trying. When I took my younger cousins to the park years ago, I never remember this being such a huge issue. Sure, kids would ignore others, but I never remember hearing the harsh words.
But take heart! There are some good ones out there! We went to a new playground the other day and it had a merry-go-round. Lucas had never seen one before and was fascinated. An older boy of 8-9 was playing on it and going pretty fast, so I told Lucas we could play on it later. The boy stopped me and said he would gladly push Lucas. I was a bit skeptical, but I said OK. I told Lucas he had to sit down and hold on and then the boy could push him. He pushed Lucas nice and easy and kept asking me if that was too fast! Then, when Lucas started to stand up, the boy stopped pushing and told him in a gentle voice, "Your mommy said you had to sit down while I pushed. Can you do that?" and Lucas sat down and they kept going. He spent like 15 minutes with Lucas, even after I told him he didn't have to. I found that boy's mother and told her what an awesome kid she had.
But I agree with Shannon, we've had better luck with "class" and activity type settings when it comes to making friends and playing nicely.
*Micah*
Farmgirl Sister #1478
http://pinterest.com/miss_micahp/
http://misadventuresofamicah.tumblr.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2013 : 09:34:09 AM
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Shannon, we have done some activities this summer, an Irish dance camp, an urban bird art class, that sort of thing. She has a sweet little friend named Sky, but she doesn't see her often. Other than playing on playgrounds or at the children's museum and with cousins, she doesn't have any children that she associates with on a normal basis. Our neighborhood is empty that way.
I guess I'm both feeling better with all of your words but also disappointed that children so small, who should just be thinking of wonderful things, are already finding that they don't fit in, or how to figure out their "place" and how to be accepted by their peers. Some of that is natural, but this seems especially calculated. It's strange to me that a child, who approaches another child with courtesy and friendship, can be ostracized and treated like dirt. It would seem that a child who was acting out, jerking toys from the children already playing or yelling, "give me that!" would be the target. Guess I'm an adult and that seems logical.
Yes, Lisa, Snyde Park. Joseph Beth. Our church does have a youth program, but it's not for children until they are kindergarten aged. Until then, it's just Sunday in the nursery. She will be attending school at this very church, so at least she's familiar with the rooms.
Kris, I wish they were close, too. Kansas sounds a lot like Violet and it's heartbreaking to think that a little person with such good intentions can be ignored. I guess that old adage is true--nice guys (and girls) finish last. So sad to me. My heart aches for Kansas at camp. I'm hoping that she has made at least one friend. Sometimes, even one makes the world a lot less lonely. I'm grateful she has you in her life. Having a safe place, a gran who is so understanding and wise of the differences in this world is invaluable.
Micah, that's terrible! He's just a little thing-I don't get these kids. And that's exactly how I felt...trying to explain to Violet that there was nothing wrong with her, it was those mean girls, was really difficult. My heart truly hurt. She simply didn't understand why they wouldn't want to play with her--they're girls, she's a girl, they're similar in age, what's the deal? And she kept wailing, "Mommy, they loved me, those girls loved me!" And that made it so much worse for me. Maybe I don't get their parents--because, fundamentally, what children learn is at home. I encourage Violet all the time to be kind. To use her manners, to ask children if she can join them instead of just pushing her way in. To be frank, these women were pretty self absorbed. It's that sort of place. Lots of ladies who lunch and let their children run all over the store so they can finish off their martinis. In fact, we had eaten dinner where I saw them doing just that. I guess if I had a mean child like that, I'd probably drink my dinner, too!
Micah, I'm glad that you found a reprieve in an older child--I've met some of those, too. Older children who really care for little ones and make sure they're safe on the playground or included in games. It says a lot about their character, but also that of their upbringing.
When we get to the open house at school, I have some questions prepared....
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2013 : 05:28:01 AM
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Jonni, it breaks my heart and makes me so angry to hear that dear little Violet was treated that way. I don't blame you for being upset! We have had similar experiences with our son over the years. One thing is certain: you can't change other people's kids. And after speaking with so many other parents, it's evident that this is prevalent behavior in public schools, and yes, sadly, it does begin when the kids are very young. People grow cold and, unfortunately, lacking wisdom and the love that overcomes, they unwittingly pass this onto their children. And, of course, our children are simply bombarded with ugliness through the media. It can be so disheartening. The most important thing I think you can do for sweet Violet is gently open her eyes to the truth and help strengthen her spirit for times when you cannot be there. Right now, Violet is so innocent that she doesn't even recognize cruelty when she sees it - she still believes in the best in people. She is so precious. How wonderful our world would be if we all shared her childlike faith in our fellow man! On the other hand, that innocence really does leave her open to a rude awakening and hurt feelings when the realization of truth hits. I have always yearned to protect my son from that myself; but life is life, and people are human. Regrettably, our children will face this behavior and treatment all throughout their lives. The best thing you can do is to prepare and equip her for what might come. Show her how sad that little girl must be to behave so meanly toward others, especially those she doesn't really know. Teach her to recognize the happy, caring, positive children that surround her and encourage her to develop friendships with those kids. When she finds kindred spirits, you can foster those friendships. Keep heart - she's a lovely little girl inside and out. Despite the bad, there are lots of wonderful little children out there who will recognize this and naturally flock to her because of her beautiful little spirit. And there are many, many other parents like you who want that same wholesome happiness for their children. They will flock to you, too. :)
Big hugs to you, sister. It's not easy, but because you're such a great Mom, I know it will get better!
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jul 29 2013 05:32:48 AM |
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forgetmenot
True Blue Farmgirl
3602 Posts
Judith
Nora Springs
IA
USA
3602 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2013 : 07:55:01 AM
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Jonni, I really feel for you and Violet. My first thought was if that cold little girl looked into the mirror she would probably see her parents.
Farmgirl sister #3926
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Red Moon |
Edited by - forgetmenot on Jul 29 2013 07:55:39 AM |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2013 : 08:41:29 AM
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Thanks, Nini--you put into words exactly what I'm feeling. The worry over our children, and the worry over how to prepare them for what life will hand them. I'm not naive, but I am reluctant to crush the innocence that she has. Above all, I want her to be good and kind. And, if in doing so she is made to feel unwanted, I guess I'll have to learn to live with it, like she will. I hope she does find a few little kindred spirits in her classroom--that will make me happy.
And yes, I totally agree, Judith--I think that's what my husband said. That, basically, they are little sponges and what they hear at home is what they repeat. That is true in our case. I love it when I hear her say, "Mother nature doesn't like it when you litter--that man just littered!" or something like that. Her spirit is gentle and I'd like to keep it that way.
This just bugged me all weekend (as you can tell) So much so that I called spoke with the director of her new preschool this morning at Lakeside Presbyterian Church, and made her aware of some of these issues that I feel might hinder Violet's enjoyment of school. Mainly, that she missed these social cues from this child, but also that she has an imaginary baby brother called "Max" who is with her quite a bit.
Now, don't get me wrong, when she's been shoved or hit in a park by another child, she really fires right back, hands on hips, with "Hey, you kid! That's not nice!!!!" because it's so obvious. The words this child used were less so...malicious, yes, but inocuous because it was in conversation...Violet heard her speaking, but did not comprehend the sardonic tone or the meaning of her words. Again, she simply could not comprehend why, when she was so nice when approaching these children, that they wouldn't want to play with her? And I get that. It's an innocence that I'm afraid, is going to get bashed pretty quickly.
The director of the school said it is really tough for little ones like her "out there" because parents seem to be encouraging them to grow up too quickly, from the programs they allow them to watch, to the clothing--she said that several of the kindergarten students told her last Christmas that "Santa was a lie". She said half the kindergarten class girls dress like Miley Cyrus--gone are the little kid clothes. And that bugs me because that's what I gravitate to--little kid clothes--she is only little for a while, why can we not embrace this as parents? I am so digusted by all these hot pink and black things that have roses and thorns and look like tattoos for girls in her size (4 and 4T) that I'm seeing in mainstream stores like Macy's. I have found a few places that I can buy clothes for her that are age appropriate, but now I guess I'll have to worry about that opening her up to ridicule, too!
The director was great, I have to say. But, sadly, she confirmed what many of you are saying to me--that they are seeing this behavior earlier and earlier in children. Because of what they are exposed to--a change in parenting style--an "anything goes" attitude and no accountability, and that older siblings make these children grow up way too quickly.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2013 : 12:03:00 PM
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So I asked several friends who have children that age, and this is what they ALL said, use it to your advantage to teach your child that it is wrong to act/speak this way, i.e., say it in front of the other kids and their parents, while looking into your childs eyes , "This is not how we treat people, that was very rude/mean/bullying thing to say/do, we do not act this way towards anyone, ever", then turn and smile at the kids/parents and walk away...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2013 : 12:10:43 PM
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Tina, thanks for asking about it. I have been bending ears this weekend, too. I got a lot of "kids are kids" from men, and then from women, "that's terrible, what is wrong with that child?!" I did use it as a teaching experience and will continue to drive home the point that we do not treat other children badly.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2013 : 10:34:15 AM
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Well boy do people have different ideas about children. My kids said they didn't find kids cruel until high school. Oh there was the occasional bully but I really am at a loss here. I remember my oldest coming home from her first day at school and telling me that some older kids were mean to a girl on the school bus but others tried to diffuse it. As Tina said--It's what they learn st home. We are the parents and we have to teach our children the right way. I just wanted to keep my kids acting like kids for as long as it could be. You were right to address the girls rudeness in front of the Mother. I know my children were innocents for a long time. But they are nicer for.
I am rambling here so I wish you and Violet luck and a happy school experience. MaryBeth it.
http://www.smallcityscenes.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2013 : 10:57:55 AM
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Marybeth, I appreciate your viewpoint--it is one that I share. I had some bullying experiences in 7th grade...a neighborhood friend of my then best friend seemed to be jealous of our friendship, even though I was always nice to her. She started calling my home, threatening me, telling me not to come to school tomorrow because she'd be waiting for me at my locker, stuff like that. I remember a few children being singled out in elementary school for their differences--boys teased a girl called Julie in 2nd grade and said she smelled like bacon. She did, but it was woodsmoke. They lived in an old house in the county and heated with a woodstove. Of course, that matters not to 2nd grade boys.
I have such trouble wrapping my head around all of it. I just want Violet to be a gentle spirit and to be good to others around her. She is a very loving child, to other children, to children younger than she, to animals. She's very respectful to adults. I was even warned about dressing her "too little" because children will tease her. Are you kidding me? She can't even wear a sweet shirt with an animal or something on it because that will make her a target? 
Seriously, I don't understand where we've gone wrong as a country. They're just babies. Why can't we let them stay little for as long as we can?
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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SandraM
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Sandra
Coldwater
Michigan
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2013 : 6:25:41 PM
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I think kids behave as their parents do. If it is accepted or encouraged by parents or teachers then you are going to see these problems.
My girls didn't go to preschool so it was never an issue for us. They did some play groups etc. but I was always there at that young of an age.
Kids can become very peer dependent when they spend more time with children than they do with adults/parents.
They need to be supervised and taught that this behavior is unacceptable. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen.
Good luck, it always hurts when we see our children treated badly!
Sandra
www.mittenstatesheepandwool.com |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2013 : 9:20:31 PM
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I usually don't read this thread as I don't have any kids, but reading about how that girl treated Violet makes me want to cry. It may seem strange, but the only way to protect a child's innocence is to teach them that some people just can't be trusted. That's hard for young children to understand, but once they learn it, they start protecting themselves--maybe you can help Violet by explaining to her the need to put on her "duck suit". You know how water rolls off a duck's back? When people say hurtful things, just make like a duck. Sadly, it doesn't get any better when you get older, there are still plenty of mean people out there. I once had a co-worker who told other people she wished I'd kill myself. Well, I'm still here and she was let go.
I know it hurts to see your baby treated so shabbily. Maybe you can find it to feel sorry for the girl who was so snide and at so young an age. People like that will never be happy. Violet will be happy again and that poor girl won't.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2013 : 07:13:55 AM
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Cindy, I really like the way you think!!! That analogy is perfect--it reminds me so much of what my father always said to me when I would tell him something that a kid said or did that made me feel rotten. "Water off a ducks back, Jon..." he'd say. I really do know what you mean and I think she can understand this. Her imagination is such that she would probably even imitate zipping her duck suit up. Even though you don't have children, you were one, and you've experienced this horrible treatment, even as an adult. And, by the by, what an awful thing for someone to say--I cannot believe an adult would possibly consider saying that to another person and then think nothing would come of it. I'm glad she was let go!!!!
This is such a great idea. Thank you, thank you for reading my post and making a comment!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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Lanna
True Blue Farmgirl
330 Posts
Lanna
A little town in Idaho
330 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2013 : 11:35:59 PM
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Unfortunately, yes, it sounds about right. :( Yes, in preschool and Kindy. We used to have a girl next door that by 6-7yo was taunting our oldest (then 2-3yo) through the chain-link fence (not even in our yard!), she was just *mean*.
Later we discovered there were some *major* family issues which may have exacerbated the whole mean-girl kind of thing, but still.
Things like this are why we keep getting stunned compliments from folks when my 9yo and 7yo boys play with pretty much whoever's around (and that they get along with). One time, my 9yo helped a little 2yo that was stuck up in a netted play area at a local YMCA-type place, and the toddler's mom was utterly shocked and happy for the help. Both  and  .
When we keep forcing children to grow up sooner and sooner and keep perpetuating potentially bad behavior... Makes me sad. Sure, life has harsh realities, but I'm one who's cool with buffering it and trying to give the kids ways to cope when it does happen to them.
I like the duck's back analogy, good stuff. I just keep reiterating to my kids that they don't have to play with other kids if they don't want to (or at a playdate at our house, if they don't want other kids playing with toy XYZ, they need to put it all away), and that if we want to be treated nicely, that's how we need to act.
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Lanna, homeschooling mama to four little monkeys that still try to jump on the bed |
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countrymommy85
True Blue Farmgirl
898 Posts
Krystle
MT
USA
898 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2013 : 11:06:46 AM
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I think that the 5 year old is a great teaching moment for your girl. An example of what NOT to be. My kids have experiences like that at the park and I've had a run-in with a grandma of all things. I was very taken aback that a grandma would respond in place of her kids so and I proceeded to promptly yet nicely put her back in her place. I have no room for bullying in my life and I'm also a living example for my kids. I don't want my kids to put up with upfront bullying because it enables the bully to go unchecked. The one thing I have realized is that kids do what mom/dad do, not necessarily just what we tell them to do! I hope the next time that lady smarts off to little kids (4,3,almost 2) she will be mature and understanding about it.
It is never, under any circumstances, okay for anyone to call someone else names, label someone, or hurt. (This grandma called my son stupid to his face for wanting to play with her grandson). It is, however okay to help someone, encourage someone or compliment them any time!
If the child acts this way then you can make a good estimate that the mom might be that way too, or in my case the grandma :) I usually say "oh, it is so sad that you feel that way,. . . " Then I continue on about the ramifications of the actions if they continue.
Or my famous comeback " It's too nice of a day to be cranky and complaining about everything". That usually gets people to stop and think about what they just did. I got this one elderly lady to laugh because she was getting snippy and complaining about my kids while I was checking out. Let me tell you, after I told her that she paused and then broke out laughing! Then she said she raised 3 boys and never had the guts to take them out in public and got all nice to me. We both left the store smiling.
My daughter gets her feelings hurt easily when other girls are mean to her so I use the "It's so sad you feel that way" to the other girls and I encourage my girlie girl that she will find friends that want to play with her and that girls who don't treat you nice are not your friends.
Oh I remember those days of the mean girls. Too bad mean girls can (but not always) grow up to be mean moms and then to mean grammas. -sigh-. We just need to be the change we want to see in the world and encourage our girls to be nice and treat others with kindness and respect because in those two things lay true womanhood :) Best of luck to you and your daughter!!!
Going along those lines sometimes it puts us moms in unfortunate events
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
http://countryrenaissance.blogspot.com
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Parenting & Farm Kids: Preschool and kindergarten cruelty? |
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Preschool and kindergarten cruelty?
