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Family Matters:  Sibling headgames...  |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
 Posted - May 30 2013 : 09:27:38 AM
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My dad has follicular lymphoma and I've been running around like crazy. I can't go over and stay indefinitely. My sister refuses to keep me in the loop and intentionally lets me know important information after the fact. She has never forgiven me for moving away from the family and takes it out on me in little power games. She's the headstrong aggressive one of us and I'm the intellectual organizing director type. I drive her crazy with my careful planning and organizing (she says snake like and dispassionate) Truly she's all fire and I'm all ice. I don't show emotion very well and tend to compartmentalize and internalize things while make plans and carry them out in some kind of order. Others tend to take me for cold, dispassionate and uncaring.
She always gets in my face with accusations of not loving the family and for abandoning them while I've gone off and left them behind. I've tried to be patient with her tirades and power games but she really is hard to convince once she's made her mind up. I love my sis to pieces but I'm who I am and she's who she is.
Every time that I offer to help her with anything she dodges around the subjects and tells me to not worry, she'll handle it. She's a hard person to get past the defenses of and let you inside if you know what I mean..she's wants to be in absolute control of everything and sees any call for help as a personal weakness.
How on earth do I get her to stop being so bristly and let me help?
I'm at wits end and don't want to hurt her and make her feel weak.
My sis means the world to me but I can't be at all aggressive in return or stand my ground with out her doing the dodge and retreat thing....
Anyway...
Any advice?
You must do the thing you think you cannot do
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Annika
Farmgirl & Sister #13
http://thegimpyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
http://pinterest.com/annikaloveshats/
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2013 : 09:40:07 AM
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Every time she says "she'll handle it?" ask her if she is sure that is exactly what she wants. I'm sorry you are having problems with your sister, but I have been having problems with my brother in similar ways. I haven't spoken to him since my mother's funeral in 1999. However, if that is how he wants it--then so be it. He treats my sister the same way.
Keep trying Annika, it never hurts (except you of course).
Betty in Pasco |
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lovinRchickens
True Blue Farmgirl
3463 Posts
Kelly
Pipe Creek
Texas
USA
3463 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2013 : 09:58:24 AM
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I too have a sister who will not speak to me. She has made some bad choices in life and she sees me as being the too good sister. I dislike not speaking with her, but it is her choice. I just pray there will come a day we can talk again. Annika I too will send prayers for you through this very difficult time.
Farmgirl #5111
Blessings
~Kelly~ |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2013 : 10:02:42 PM
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Annika, Im so sorry you are going through this right now. I'm keeping your dad and your family in my prayers.
One of the best things I've learned is to always try to see the other person's point of view. So, try looking at things from your sister's perspective. That might give you a better idea of how to deal with her.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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Ruby V
True Blue Farmgirl
220 Posts
Ruby
Chilliwack
BC
Canada
220 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2013 : 11:50:16 PM
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Wow, Annika, I think we're twins! {laughing} I'm in a similar situation. Mom's got terminal cancer and has suddenly been taking a turn for the worse. I'm mostly out of the loop. My sister is handling everything with mom and unless I specifically contact her and ask, she doesn't let me know what's going on.
My family's never forgiven me for moving away 14 years ago to marry hubby. I have a lot of guilt over that and now I have even more guilt that I'm not there to help out with mom. My sister resents having to carry the load. I'm finding it all so difficult to deal with, that the stress is triggering some of my own health problems. I guess all we can do is hang in there, offer to do what we can and hope that better days are ahead.
Ruby ~ Sister #3597 |
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CindyG
True Blue Farmgirl
293 Posts
Cindy
Fairfax
VA
USA
293 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2013 : 04:47:55 AM
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Years of (successful...so far) marriage counseling has enlightened me to a few things, but the main one is the following:
You cannot change another person's behavior, only your reaction to it.
On a related note, you can't make her feel anything - that is her choice.
If the withholding of information about your father's condition is one of the keys here, consider contacting the physicians and other caregivers to ask them to contact you directly with updates. That is a reasonable and legal request. Will it incite your sister? Probably. Then she is left to explain why she wants to keep you in the dark about his condition, which is not reasonable.
I have a sister like this - she holds the entire family hostage, as I call it, with her temper tantrums and other generally bad behavior. Trying to step back from the situation allowed me to see the complete control she had over everyone at every family gathering - we were all walking on the proverbial eggshells so we did not set her off. I've now gotten to the somewhat hard-hearted place that I will no longer indulge a 50 year old who is acting like a 5 year old. The results have not been pretty, but I've stopped twisting in wind trying to find the one elusive thing that might placate her. There is no such thing except when she is controlling everyone, and everyone else is miserable in order to make her whatever her odd form of "happy" is.
All that being said, we are not dealing with a serious illness, which adds a very complicating layer to things.
I hope you can find some kind of comfortable solution to your situation, whether it is with her or without her. |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2013 : 5:07:31 PM
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Ruby and Annika, Can I join the group? I have the same situation and relatioship with my sis. Unfortunately, we have lost our parents, but we are still dealing with their estate. Too much has gone on at this point and I don't think I will have much of a relationship in the future with my sis. Sigh.
Marianne |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2013 : 08:41:35 AM
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Annika, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Is it affecting your fathers health? Perhaps you could go at a time when you know your sister will be with your father and just say something like "I know we have had our differences but I hope we can join forces to help Dad." and see what happens. I would also talk to the nurse (they have more time to listen) and let his care team know what is going on if the stress might be affecting your father.
I also want to say this as encouragement: my brother and I were NEVER close even as kids. We are VERY different people and did not get along at all. We lived 1 block apart and rarely spoke. My only relationship with him was thru his wife, even when my mother was dying. However, 10 years of minimal contact later, my father became ill and took 2 years dying. (I have tears in my eyes as I type this.) I don't know what happened. My father and his long journey into dementia and death was so hard and I was the one who was there. Maybe my brother appreciated that. Maybe he figured out that I was the last part of his original family, I don't know. Something changed. We had to co-parent my Dad thru many issues and it brought Steve and I together. We are now friends AND family. We are still very different people but we love and respect the differences now. we live 2000 miles apart but he calls me almost every week and always tells me he loves me somewhere in the conversation. What a great legacy from my fathers death. My mothers life-long and dying wish was the Steve and I would be close. Neither of us EVER saw that happening but it has and I don't know how but I know that somewhere in Heaven my mother is dancing!
I said all of that to say, please, keep trying. Don't give up. You have no idea what God has planned around the corner. Have hope.
Annika, I am praying for you and your sister and hoping that you can both be there to support your father. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Family Matters: Sibling headgames... |
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Sibling headgames...
