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Across the Fence:  Shocked, Upset and Needing Advice  |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 6:30:01 PM
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The problem is with my sons father and I dont really know what to do. My son only sees or hears from his dad 1-2 times a year, but lives about 30 minutes away. I found out a few days ago that my son's dad was arrested back in November for domestic assault. He apparently choked his girlfriend and refused to let her leave her house. She placed a restraining order against him and he apparently violated it last month. I haven't talked to him in a year or so, but from what I can tell, he is out of jail right now, but facing some serious time. The thing is that I haven't told my son, who is 11 and mildly autistic. He has a tendency to worry and over think things, so Im just not sure about it. Yet I feel bad keeping this from him and if he does go to prison, I want my son to understand what happened. Plus, I don't want him to hear it from someone else or see it online ( that's how I found out). Geez, now that I think about it, I'm not even sure my ex MIL knows! Do I tell her?
My heart is just breaking for my son right now. Not only is his dad a disappointment, but now he's also a criminal. My head is somewhat spinning because even though we constantly argued when we were together, I never knew him to be violent.
I'm sorry this is on the long side. Any insight you can give would help a bunch.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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HemetGardener
True Blue Farmgirl
573 Posts
Terri
Hemet
CA
USA
573 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 6:48:22 PM
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Hi Stephanie,
Only God can change people and get them out of the mess they have created. I am sorry you are going through this but maybe he will come out a better person with experiences he can share with others to change their lives too.
You are in my prayers.
Bless you,
Terri |
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LeighErica
True Blue Farmgirl
306 Posts
Erica
PA
USA
306 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 6:50:26 PM
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| I guess my first questions would be....does your son read the same sites that you do that he would read about his Dad? Unless he would actually Google his Dad's name, I don't forsee him reading about his Dad on the internet. Now, other people telling him might be a different story...unless you speak to those people first and suggest to them not to say anything to your son. So, initially what would I do...I would keep the info close to you until you have more information. Since your son would be upset about his Dad...it might be fine in this moment to let him have this peace....there will be time in the future to discuss this. Try not to stress over the situation, and take time to think it through. Decisions such as these do not come easily, yet I will say this...trust your instincts...if as a Mom you are feeling protective of your son, and do not want to share the news...then don't. I believe in trusting ourselves because we can over think a situation too much and get confused. Go with your gut. Remembering that first and foremost ... your son's well being comes first. I hope this helps. I will be thinking of you. Hugs to you, Erica |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 6:51:41 PM
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You know your child best. Try to explain it on his level. Reassure him that you would never allow his father hurt him in anyway. I would consult an attorney as to what you can do regarding the custody arrangements so that you can protect your child as best ad as you can.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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HemetGardener
True Blue Farmgirl
573 Posts
Terri
Hemet
CA
USA
573 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 7:16:27 PM
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I totally agree with Lorena. I guess you should share the information but in a way that will not frighten your son.
Terri |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Feb 07 2013 : 7:38:39 PM
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These things tend to take care of themselves. If your son doesnt see his Dad that often then maybe he will never know. It really doesn't concern your son and if I were you I don't think I would feel it important to tell him. It's not his problem so why make it his problem. By the time he sees his Dad again it will probably all be overwith and forgotten about. And you might be portrayed as the bad guy in the long run for telling him.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/CrittergrannysLair
www.creamofthecroptrailrides.webs.com |
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4738 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4738 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 05:58:36 AM
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Do you have a school psychologist at your son's school whom you can ask advice on how to help your son deal with this? My son is mildly autistic too and his school has quite a special ed. team there for him. Your son should hear the truth from you and no on else, but as you already know, you have to be careful about how you tell him.
I'm sorry you are both having to deal with this sad situation. You are in my prayers.
Dawn in IL |
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magnoliakathy
True Blue Farmgirl
453 Posts
Kathryn
Magnolia
Texas
USA
453 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 06:31:22 AM
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I would wait until my child asked me. Then I would explain it in a way he could understand and if he says why didn't you tell me, just say "I love you and I am telling you now". Warn your immediate cirle of family and friends of your decision. Sometimes kids are stronger than you think. Years ago, when I divorced my first husband (my son was 5) I told my family if you can't say anything nice about him, say nothing. When my son was grown, he asked me why I had told the family this, apparently he heard a conversation in passing at my mom's house, I told him it would have done him no good to hear the bad things we all knew and thought, that he was a child and it was not his to deal with. He found out eventually the truth about his dad, and was glad we did not tell him, because he had seen the harm to some of his friends from family bad mouthing their dads after divorces. Protect your boy, but tell him the truth when he asks.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
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HemetGardener
True Blue Farmgirl
573 Posts
Terri
Hemet
CA
USA
573 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 10:03:42 AM
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Dawn and Kathryn,
Both excellent suggestions.
Terri |
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MtnGrlByTheBay
True Blue Farmgirl
171 Posts
Erin
Lexington Park
MD
USA
171 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 11:01:46 AM
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Be honest with your son about your feelings... "[Son], I feel I need to tell you some news about your dad." "Before I tell you, I need you to understand that this will not change anything." "I will try to answer your questions as best I can."
He's going to have questions, and please do NOT be afraid to tell him what's going on simply because you might be afraid of the questions he might ask.
"Honesty is the best policy," and in this case, "What he doesn't know, MIGHT hurt him."
I've been in a similar situation, but was not in the position you are in. Sadly, I only wish I COULD have discussed the incident like you have the opportunity to. It might have changed the outlook for all.
And yes... might want to include school support.
^^^I'm a RidgeRunner, and will always feel best when surrounded by the PA mountains.^^^
www.lastlapgang.com |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 3:51:53 PM
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I think if the chances are low he would ever find out, I would keep it to yourself till he is grown up. These are the kinds of things kids can put on to themselves and find a reason why it's their fault, or project they are just as bad as dad, etc.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1674 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
1674 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2013 : 5:08:41 PM
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Stephanie, it is so hard when we moms have to go through things like this with our children, trying desperately to allow them to be children instead of being forced into adult situations and adult knowledge. What I am going to write is totally from my perspective and is not telling you what to do, but is just to give encouragement and possibilities. I had a very similar situation but I had been a part of a group called Al Anon for several years and had a wonderful sponsor who helped me through a lot. Al Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and drug or other addicts. Anyway, there is a prayer that is given called Just For Today and one of the lines is, "Just for today, I will not create a crisis but I will not keep a crisis from happening..." I think that fits your situation so well. You do not need to keep the crisis from happening if your son finds out, but you do not need to be making it happen either. All things happen in God's time. And as far as your former MIL, she will find out in God's time as well. If your son asks you where his father is or why he hasn't heard from him, then you must be honest and at that point, what you CAN do is to have arranged ahead of time with a good counselor who specializes in childhood counseling to meet with them as a mediator to talk with you and your son about the reality of the situation and the feelings the situation brings about. It is disappointing when people do things that have an impact on others, but it is a lesson in life that is learned over and over. We can't control the choices that others make, but we can control how we react to them. We can actually grow to have compassion for the "exes" in the world who make stupid choices. They are self-destructive. There is no fix for that short of God. We all will be thinking of you and praying for you and your son and your ex husband.
Just for Today
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not
tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve
hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a
lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This idea assumes to be true what
Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are as happy as they make
up their minds to be."
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust
everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes
and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will not create a crisis but I will not keep a
crisis from happening, for it is in the crisis that God works His plans.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I
will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will
read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.
Just for today I will focus on what I can control, not on the
things I can't control. I will also realize that the only one I can
truly control is myself.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can,
dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, and criticize
not one bit. I won't find fault with anything nor try to improve
or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly,
but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and
indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and
relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better
perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to
enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world,
so the world will give to me.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2013 : 12:50:28 PM
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Thanks for your encouragement ladies. It feels better just to talk about it. I think for now I will let everything stay as it is. If the time comes, I will tell him what happened with his dad. Thanks again for all your support, it means alot!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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Across the Fence: Shocked, Upset and Needing Advice |
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Shocked, Upset and Needing Advice
