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Parenting & Farm Kids:  Lazy teen, lack of motivation  |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 09:40:42 AM
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My oldest boy is 15. It is summer. He spends his time either playing on his computer or watching t.v. or sitting in his room listening to music and texting his friends while playing cards or something. I work from home, downstairs, while he is upstairs doing his thing.
Hubby and I have asked him to go look for a job (in our state you can work as young as 14), but when we asked him to get an application nearby, you'd think we were asking for the moon! Oh the whining!! Goodness! He did ride his bike over to a nearby nursery and came home with an application. The other day I had him apply online at McDonald's. It was painless but he made it such a big deal. Ugh!
So the thing here is that he wants to get his learner's permit to drive. Hubby and I have told him that he wouldn't have a car to drive since the only one is mine that hubby and I share (hubby works and goes to school). If he wants a car, he needs a job to save money for the car. He doesn't get it. I think he figures things will be given to him, but where he gets that idea, I'll never know. I've told him that he needs to get a job - I don't care if it's mowing lawns - and to start saving some money for that car he so badly wants, and then maybe he can get a learner's permit and then a license. All his friends are so beyond him, mentally and emotionally (he's adopted and carries around a lot of emotional/mental baggage), and they'll all have cars and jobs and girls, but he'll be left behind because he is still so immature and irresponsible.
Sorry. Didn't mean to vent. I know there's someone out in MJFLand that is in the same boat.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 09:56:51 AM
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Well, Mom no disrespect here, REALLY, I do not mean any. But ask yourself this question who pays for his phone, games, computer? And when you answer that, I guess you will have the answer to the question, "where does he think the money is coming from"
Good luck I raised a teen boy too ... hardest job I have ever done!
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 10:00:46 AM
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Oh yeah, I totally understand that, Teri. Yes, the things he has were presents (birthday, Christmas - from the grandparents) and the phone was originally meant for emergency use only. But he has heard time and again that in order to get anywhere in life, you need a job and/or a college education. He wants a new bike. He can buy it himself, imho.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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MiaBella
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Michelle
New Caney
TX
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 1:14:20 PM
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I have 2 teen-age boys, one 14 one 16. The 16 year old has a vehicle and we make him pay for the gas & insurance so he knows he has to have a job too. He had one at the beginning of summer, got laid off and did not try real hard to find a new one...so we took the keys away. He argued that he could not find a job without a car, so I told him that is why he has me :-) He was not happy about it, but I took him to fill out applications. Lots of places are not hiring because in mid-summer they are all full.
We have a website here, sort of a neighborhood forum/complaint dept...anyway, many people need summer help like moving, yard-work, babysitting, etc. I posted an ad about how I had a teen-ager needing work. I got several responses, one family paid him $100 for 8 or 9 hours to help them move. A couple of other responses told me of places that were hiring. He now has a job at a bowling alley as a Lane Attendant. Easy work, a lot of standing and long hours. But, he enjoys it.
I also have a friend that just purchased 20 acres and needed fencing put up. Well, my boys were raised having to do work because "we said so". We also built our own home and EVERYONE helped so they know more than you average teen about plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, etc. Anyway, when my friend told me she needed help with her fencing, I signed up both my boys! They were excited to have the work! They already had to do it here so it was a no-brainer for them.
My boys also have phones and they do household chores in order to have them. Our kids do not get much handed to them, they know if they want something they need to work for it and if they want it bad enough they will do it.
Find something your son enjoys and try to put him to work doing it. Either with a neighbor, local business or even if YOU have some chores to do that may be more than you can handle or you just don't want to do it. My husband hates to weed-eat around the house and fence so IF one of the boys wants to do it, he pays them $10. If he really wants that new bike, he will work to get it. Good luck!
Michelle
Farmgirl Sister #4097
MiaBella Farm
New Caney, TX
www.miabellafarm.com |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 2:19:43 PM
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Yeppers, both my boys do chores, let me tell you. They are pretty busy in that regard, but that doesn't keep them busy 8 hours a day like a job might.
Once my 15-yr-old has a car (when he's 16 or so), he will be paying for gas, insurance, upkeep, etc. We have told him this. And in order to have that money, he'll need a job.
We did ask him to go down to the neighbor's to ask if they needed mowing or anything. They have a teenage son also, but that boy is working full time over the summer. It's kind of hard when there are several teen boys on our street who probably already figured to ask neighboring homeowners for work.
Maybe we just need to revamp our strategy and tell him that if he wants to keep his phone and such, that he should start paying for it, hence, get a job. He likes animals, and I suggested he apply at the pet lodging places nearby. There are a couple and he might not like the smell of stinky cages, but he loves dogs. He also likes most animals, so maybe a farm (heck, I'd work there, I love farms). There's got to be something he can do. OH! A thought! I could be like the unemployment office and make him apply at x amount of places a week... tee hee
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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shanda
True Blue Farmgirl
522 Posts
Shanda
Broken Bow
OK
USA
522 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 3:07:58 PM
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I can understand the immaturity thing totally! My DD is adopted. She had a very rough start with very abusive parents and was taken from the home at 3 yrs old. So she is immature for her age, almost 2-3 yrs behind. The Doctors say it's natural because she had to sort of reset at age 3 and begin again, and that put her behind emotionally. But they do catch up, only at a slower pace. So be patient, the light will turn on when he wants that car bad enough. It will take something stronger then just words to motivate our children, they have to really,really want too.
I find it a challange to slow my pace sometimes for her, but it pays off in big ways. Patience is not my strong suite!
Hang in there!
Shanda
Farmgirl #4233 |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 3:13:27 PM
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Oh my gosh, DUH!!!!!! Why didn't I remember that, Shanda, thank you!!!!! Yes, he isn't like all the other teens his age, he is different, omygosh, I had been telling myself that for years and now I went and forgot it. I think it takes someone else not in this house, someone else who doesn't see what goes on here day in, day out, someone else's point of view to make me realize things. That's why I love message boards - so many other ideas from the great ladies here!
Thanks!!!
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 5:22:46 PM
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I agree probably won't be up to the rest of the kids for a long time. At the same time I wouldn't give my children a cell phone that texts, they would have to pay for that themselves. I would only pay for a phone that calls 911 and parents/grand parents. They have such phones they only call 4 numbers you program in, and 911. But, even with that...what kind of emergencies will he have in his room that requires a cell?
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 7:48:21 PM
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Heather, you make good points. Originally, he had the cell phone at school so he could call/text in case of emergency. In this day and age, you never know, and this year his school has had bomb threats (really???? ugh!!!) and he texted me right off. Now it seems that he has that phone like a 6th finger or something. It's on him all the time. During the school year, I'd take it from him at night so he wouldn't text all night long and not wake in the morning in time for school. It's summer now, and though his dad and I have been asking him to find a job, I'm thinking that maybe we are expecting too much of him because he is 13, emotionally, and perhaps not ready for a job and a ton of responsibility. Hubby thinks he can handle a job, but me? I don't know anymore.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Jul 23 2012 : 8:45:25 PM
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Maybe you can get him a phone that will only text you, and your husband and grandparents, and call 911.
As for a job, I think I would see a social worker, and have him evaluated and see what they say.
I personally have 10 adopted siblings. They are all at different emotional/intellectual levels. One thing we have learned is you don't want to expect less out of some then they can truly do or you will be in for it. At the same time you do have to except limitations of some. I have one sister who is 16 old enough to drive in our state, but we don't know when to actually really allow that for her. My mom stays in contact with the school social worker and consults him often on these kind of decisions, along with of course just watching how she is at home any way. This way you aren't over or under expecting too much either way.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 08:19:37 AM
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I'm totally in that same boat. My 4th child just got her driver's permit. She is 15, however she tends to the goats completely, and makes goat's milk soap we sell. She gets the profit. She will need to get another job, if the goat's don't provide enough for gas in the car, and car insurance.
My 2 oldest daughter is my step-daughter. She lives with her Grandma at the age of 19 - no job, no license and hasn't tried to get a job. Grrr!
My oldest son has worked since graduation, pays for all car parts (we repair ourselves most of the time), he pays his share of insurance and the cost of his cell phone (on our plan). He's starting college next month. He also tends the dogs daily, and cleans the chicken coop.
My next oldest daughter (18) is a whole other story. Had a job, was responsible, but right after graduation she quit. She refused to pay insurance and spent money on things she should not have.....still working on that one. We took all the keys from her and she cannot use any vehicle.
In our house, the kids have to have cars in Mom or Dad's name and pay their own cost of insurance. If a car is put in their name, insurance here is sky high. The kids who want phones after graduation must pay the cost as well. They are also to gas the car each time they use it.
I have a time limit on the computer/TV (to me they are both the same and they get 1 hour total in a day). Only one has an ipod and texts all day long (18 yo). I didn't buy it. We also have a rule "Work before play."
Even so....it's very frustrating with electronics so easily controlling. I blame electronics (and facebook).
Farmgirl #800
http://pioneerwomanatheart.blogspot.com/
http://scrapreusedandrecycledartprojects.blogspot.com/
From my hands: http://pioneerpatchworkhomespun.blogspot.com/
From my Camera: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pioneerwomanatheart/
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 09:35:11 AM
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Ohhhhh, Facebook. Don't get me started. Rule #1 is NO FACEBOOK for teens! No way!!! My son doesn't have a lot of face-to-face interaction with other kids right now and even during the school year, the only time he sees anyone is at school or church. He doesn't go do anything with friends nor do they come here. It's all through texting and there is no way I'd allow him to have Facebook. And his computer is not in his room - he has to use it where everyone can see what he's doing. He doesn't even know I check his history - he doesn't even know that exists (evil laugh)  .
When school starts up in the fall, if his grades drop, no cell phone. He'll have to earn it back.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 12:59:26 PM
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I'd be afraid to take my teen driving! Well, obviously he is not ready for that, but I think I'll have hubby do that task. He actually taught a friend to drive back in high school, so now we know he is skilled at that! LOL Yes, start in a large area with no cars - a parking lot is perfect. That's where I learned at first.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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Farmer Judy
True Blue Farmgirl
433 Posts
Judy
North Aurora
IL
USA
433 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 1:28:28 PM
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I have two boys 14 and 16. Both of the boys have what the school considers special needs. My oldest has bipolar and ADHD and my younger one has both of those in addition to Aspergers. They have ben considered to be spoiled since our extended family is very generous with them at birthdays and christmas. I have been working to change the expectations of the boys from being gifted to working for stuff themselves. DS1 is working on finding a job and starting drivers ed this fall, he will have to contribute to the insurance and buy some of the gas too At home he has inside chores, outside he helps with my mini farm 24 x 24 and any family projects we have going for the house or family members. My DS2 is more behind than my older son so he still has inside chores, farm work and we work with him to improve what he is working on.
Consequenses, the boys get no computer (other than homework) or games until they are carrying a "C" average or better in their classes at school. They get grounded from all electronics if they are not doing their chores or assigned work. My oldest boy will not get his license to drive immediately, he will need to show us he deserves it first.
Boys especially need to see that they are being held up to some level of expectations. They world will have expectations (even if it is minimal) of what they will need to do. I have been trying to groom them to ber independant, they know about laundry, cooking and cleaning. We are working on money and normal expectations of the outside world. They need a good role model that will stand up and show them the way a man is expected to behave and how to be responsible. Boys do grow up, not always at the pace we want them to but they do. Our job is to show them the way.
Good Luck with your boys.
God bless,
Judy
Farmgirl #3666
Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
http://farmtimes.blogspot.com/ |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 1:47:07 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Farmer Judy
...Consequenses, the boys get no computer (other than homework) or games until they are carrying a "C" average or better in their classes at school. They get grounded from all electronics if they are not doing their chores or assigned work. My oldest boy will not get his license to drive immediately, he will need to show us he deserves it first.
Boys especially need to see that they are being held up to some level of expectations. They world will have expectations (even if it is minimal) of what they will need to do. I have been trying to groom them to ber independant, they know about laundry, cooking and cleaning. We are working on money and normal expectations of the outside world. They need a good role model that will stand up and show them the way a man is expected to behave and how to be responsible. Boys do grow up, not always at the pace we want them to but they do. Our job is to show them the way.
Yep, kind of sounds like here that if the boys don't get good grades, all electronic gizmos get taken away, and if they don't do their chores, they can't go play and such. We teach our kids laundry, cleaning, cooking - things they'll need to know how to do when they leave the nest. We try to teach them that money doesn't grow on trees and things aren't just handed out when asked for. Both sets of grandparents aren't too helpful in that regard, however, my parents have got it figured out a little better now and will have the boys do things to earn money.
I think with my oldest, he'd rather sit and play in his room or sit and play video games. He's adopted, and when he was in the birth home, that's what he'd do - sit in his room and play alone. No one bothered him there. It was his safe place. And everyone gave him everything he wanted, which is still stuck in his head apparently. He's still of that mindset.
He hasn't asked about a bike recently and I've laid off the 'get a job' thing. Maybe next year he'll be a bit more ready to do that since his friends will have jobs and ability to drive.
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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sue5901
True Blue Farmgirl
122 Posts
Sue
Wellingborough
United Kingdom
122 Posts |
Posted - Jul 26 2012 : 04:22:27 AM
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learning everything in life isn't handed to you on a plate is one of the lesson parents need to teach their children. i would stick to your guns - but I never pushed my kids into getting jobs or chores, rather I was clear how much money time etc I was prepared to offer and if they wanted more - well I let them work it out for themselves!!!
My eldest daughter was always the greater worry as she seemed to spend her whole teen years shut in her bedroom watching tele but ultimately she got a good university degree and has become the first female firefigher in our area, bought her own house by 25 and is an amzing woman. So guess its a bit like worrying about potty training - virtually everyone works it out and turns out fine in the end.
Dance like nobody's watching! |
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cori1312
True Blue Farmgirl
64 Posts
Leslie
Fairborn
Ohio
USA
64 Posts |
Posted - Jul 27 2012 : 07:54:36 AM
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Just making an observation here (since I have no experience with teenagers yet), but it seems that my knowledge of boys seems split down the middle. And actually, I'm looking at early twentys. Half of them are motivated, hard-working and going places--either attending college or holding jobs, buying houses and dating seriously or getting married. The other half are living with their parents, "hanging out", griping about mowing the lawn, and all-around acting ten years younger than they are.
I would say stick to it, because it looks like the parents who let their kids get away with lazy, self-centered lives are going to end up with them living at home forever and expecting the same.
Your his mother, not his wallet.
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"You don't have a soul; you are a soul. You have a body." - C.S. Lewis
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2012 : 4:30:50 PM
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Physically remove all electronic devices (put the tv and pc in your room and lock the doors) from the rest of the house. Tell him the rules and enforce it. Give him a time frame for which he has to find a job. While he is not gainfully employed, he can be helping with house work, yard work, and what ever chores your and your dh need done, without complaint. You are not to pay for his cell phone, drivers ed, etc. If he wants these privileges, then he has to pay for them. If he has siblings, then the rules are the same for them (except the job where they may not be old enough). If he complies with the house work/chores then he can have 1 consecutive hour of video time a day. Once it's up that's it. When he sees his friends with all the privileges, then maybe that will motivate him to do something with himself.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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krissy
True Blue Farmgirl
278 Posts
Kristen
Snohomish
WA
USA
278 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2012 : 07:46:26 AM
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Good points, Lorena and Leslie, thanks! I'll be discussing options with hubby. I certainly don't want my son staying here well into his 30s with no job! That's what my sister's kids did, oh lordy, and I'm not having that!!
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~Farmgirl Sister #986~
http://achickenwithherheadcutoff.blogspot.com/ |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: Lazy teen, lack of motivation |
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Lazy teen, lack of motivation
