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Across the Fence:  Family Frustrations re: Hubby's 40th Gift! HELP!  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 08:13:47 AM
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So, a few weeks ago, I posted here on the forum about the gift I bought my husband for his up and coming 40th birthday, a flight on a WWII era B-17 Bomber, a trip to an airshow and a weekend in Ann Arbor to celebrate our anniversary and his milestone birthday. You girls were as excited as I was!
That same afternoon, I told my mother-in-law (because I was so darn excited!) and she told my father-in-law, who somehow decided (unbeknownst to me) that they should "go in on it" and then the gift would be from all of us. He sprung that on me a week later, while driving to Indy for my nephew's birthday. I was taken aback, and a bit flustered and so I really didn't say much. Of anything. I just sortof went silent in the back seat and didn't bring it up again at all because I don't WANT them to "go in on it". This will sound childish, but it's my gift--I did the legwork, I sought out the plane, I searched for weeks to find a flight that was both "somewhat" near our home and not a gazillion dollars and I've designed the weekend in Michigan to celebrate his birthday AND our anniversary with hotel and reservations at good restaurants.
A few days ago, my husband showed me some model airplane kits he REALLY wants for his birthday and I gave the catalog to my mil and told her. She said, "Give this to Kay, we're going in on the flight with you." And I said, "I don't need any help with the flight--it's already paid for." And she seemed a little miffed and took the magazine and sort of flung it in the car.
I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I never asked anyone to "help" me pay for it, and I feel like this: he's THEIR son, it's a special birthday, why should they piggy back on the gift I've worked so hard to think of and give him? 
I know I sound like my toddler, but I'm just wondering how this somehow got away from me and how I can simply say, "tough" without causing some family drama?
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2875 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2875 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 08:49:07 AM
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Tell her that it is not only a bday gift, but a special anniversary celebration for you both, sort of a romantic getaway, that is personal to you..
Something like that. As I get older, why do I feel like I need a Thesaurus constantly??? |
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AnnieinIdaho
True Blue Farmgirl
437 Posts
Annie
ID
USA
437 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 08:54:51 AM
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Hi Jonni,
This is a perfect case of what is called "triangulation". Bringing in a third party (by your enthusiasm in sharing) which should be able to be done with out so much enmeshment from the family, but rarely so. Since I have learned about triangulation in communication I never mention anything that doesn't concern a person directly and incidents like this have disappeared. It doesn't give them the chance to meddle or make more out of something that is not necessary. Family dynamics are very difficult at times, and triangulation in dynamics will always make it even more so.
Just let it go this time and enjoy the birthday. They also probably think the gift was too generous to be coming from one person. This time you will just have to let it all go. Your husband will be more impressed with the day to day devotions you give him over time rather than who ended up paying for this gift. It is a clever and well thought out gift, and in the end he will know it came from you.
Breathe in, Breathe out, Ohhhhmmmmmm in the key of C.
Annie
"The turnings of life seldom show a sign-post; or rather, though the sign is always there, it is usually placed some distance back, like the notices that give warning of a bad hill or a level railway-crossing." Edith Wharton, 1913 from 'The Custom of the Country'. |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 11:05:25 AM
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I don't agree that you have to "let it all go." I think you just need to sit down and talk to them about how you feel. Maybe you're not upset because they want to go in on the gift with you. Maybe you are upset because they just automatically thought that they could "piggyback" on the gift that you put your heart and soul into planning and they didn't even ask if it was ok. Do they plan on going with, or are they just planning on pitching in some money? I honestly think you just need to talk to them otherwise this could put a strain on your relationship. I'm sure they meant absolutely no harm and probably don't even realize what they just did. They probably thought since it's such a huge gift that you wouldn't mind if they pitched in money not even thinking about the time and consideration you put into it. Who knows, after you talk to them, you might realize that you didn't get upset over them wanting to be included, but by the way they went about it. Your husband knows you're thoughtful and that you put a lot of thought into your gifts (surprise 30th birthday party)and I'm pretty sure he'll know you were behind this gift. It's an awesome gift!! If they pitch in, you save money, you still have a nice weekend with your husband, and everybody is happy! Either way....TALK TO THEM!! I've seen so many situations get blown out of proportion because of a lack of communication or the wrong kind of communication. Don't let that happen over something that is supposed to be a great time! :) Hope everything works out, Jonni!
Emily |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 11:28:05 AM
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Thanks for all the input girls...
Emily Anna, you and I think so much alike--that's EXACTLY why I'm frustrated...I love my inlaws, but they can be a bit obtuse when it comes to gift giving and they seem to always get stumped on my husband. He's their son, he's turning 40 and it seems like a bit of a cop-out to piggy back on my gift--the one I've been hoping I could treat him to since he first saw the Memphis Belle at Lunken Airport 12 years ago, when we first started dating. They wanted $500.00 for the flight, and I think we might have had $5.00 between us for the month :). I've always tossed the idea around for father's day or something else, but the money wasn't there, or a dog got sick or a car got sick and the money I had saved had to go for those things (obviously :)). He never knew that I wanted to do it, so he wouldn't be disappointed.
The fact that sharing my exciting news somehow translated into their decision to "help pay for it" and never discuss it with me was frustrating. On one hand, I thought, "why can't you come up with your own idea?" and on the other, I felt like it had been decided and I wasn't even asked. Since my fil brought it up 2.5 weeks ago and nothing more was mentioned, has anyone asked me how much it was, or talked about it since! So, I was taken aback yesterday when my mil told me yesterday that "they weren't getting anything because they were going in on the flight.", When I tried to explain that it was already paid for, she said she'd have to talk with my fil and see what he said....well, what about what I said?
You're right--it needs to be discussed, and soon. I've already made myself a wreck over it today, just because talking to my fil isn't the easiest. He's really deadpan and shows little emotion, so you never know what he's thinking and you find yourself filling in the silence with a bunch of ramblings and extra emotion that isn't necessary. And I'm always left feeling insecure after a discussion with him, because he never lets you know what he's feeling. Ugh. I guess I just resent being put in this position in the first place.
Times like these I realize that my daddy was pretty smart--he didn't care to have much family because he liked to do what he wanted to do, the way he wanted to do it and never ask anyone's opinion. My mother always said I'm my father's daughter!
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
Edited by - FebruaryViolet on Jul 06 2012 11:30:51 AM |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 1:32:56 PM
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I'd say, thanks for the nice gesture, but it'l all done. .
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2012 : 1:56:24 PM
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Jonni,
I am 100% with YOU on this one. It was all your idea and you put alot of time,thought and effort (not to mention saving etc) into making this a very special gift for your husband.
If I were you I would sit down, have an honest talk with your in-laws and explain all of this to them. Tell them that although you appreciate the offer, the gift is one you have been planning for literally "Years" and that you have already paid for it and that it is very important for YOU to give it to him alone, not as a "joint" gift.
I would again suggest to them that if they are stumped for something to give to him, that they look over the model airplanes that he mentioned he wanted- that way their gift will be a home run too!
Keep us posted, but definately stick to your guns on this one. There is absolutely no reason for them to tag on to your gift and I definately would not allow this to happen if I were in your shoes!
Be Farmgirl Strong Girl!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 12:55:59 PM
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Jonni, I understand what you mean about not wanting to sit your formidable FIL down for "the talk". It's really rotten to get stuck in such a position.
One thing I think you might bring up, aside from the fact that it's all arranged already and a done deal, is the surprise aspect. Because you're going away on this get-away together, you're going to be giving him the gift alone. It's not something they can participate in. Maybe they won't care, they're just relieved to be off the hook as far as finding a gift. But you might suggest it as contributing to keeping the surprise secret if they would pick out some models so he has something to unwrap. Or maybe I'm just being a conflict-averse wimp... |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2012 : 11:49:31 PM
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This sometime happened in my very large family and most of the time people weren't trying to "steal the glory", they just wanted to be part of it. I'd tell them the event you were planning is already done. Perhaps they could bring a photo album to put the pics of hubby and plane in or maybe they could pay for a joint dinner after you get back from his flight, because he is "dying to tell them all about his adventure...or buy yhe models he wants, etc. Make them feel important too and go have a wonderfultime with your dear husband. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Across the Fence: Family Frustrations re: Hubby's 40th Gift! HELP! |
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Family Frustrations re: Hubby's 40th Gift! HELP!
