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Parenting & Farm Kids:  perfectionism in 9 yr old boy  |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 26 2012 : 8:07:08 PM
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I am really struggling with my newly turned 9 year old oldest son. He's always been a perfectionist. He's quite gifted, doesn't associate much with kids his own age and would much rather hang out with adults any day of the week. He finds a lot of stuff that other nine year olds would be doing "boring" and to tell you the truth I'm a little overwhelmed trying to keep up with him. The past month he's been ridiculously emotional and just over the top with his being shy to the point its almost rude. He comes into my room after bedtime wanting to "talk" and says he wants to figure out a way to not be "so shy" but when I offer him suggestions then he says "nothing will work". I also find that instead of him wanting to try new things (not that he was ever big into "new" things) I find he's just settling with what he knows because he doesn't want to do anything wrong or have someone laugh at him. We've talked about perfectionism quite a bit and the difference between wanting to do your best and not wanting to ever mess up (and having that fear keep you from doing anything at all). In my estimation he's feeling detached and lonely (not feeling like he relates to anyone) and being stuck in a place where people his age don't get him and adults don't want to be always hanging out with a nine year old regardless of how "mature" he can be. I'm really frustrated and mostly exhausted in trying to figure out how to deal with this. I know its not uncommon for gifted kids to be exactly how he's being (I was the same way, but had a different personality, if that makes sense) but I'm looking for advice in how to make life livable. I feel like I'm living with some gothic teen who is always bummed out...who really needs a challenge for his big ol; brain, but how the heck do you challenge someone who completely shuts down if he doesn't think he can do something perfectly? I refuse to cater to that...but I'm not sure the correct way to proceed. I mean, I want to be sensitive to him...but at some point I get frustrated and just think its over the top "poor me, I'll never get along in this world, and no one understand me" kind of stuff. Advice???
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2012 : 8:27:56 PM
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Hi Amy,
Im sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch right now. Yes, our children sure can baffle us and make us loose sleep! This coming from the mom of a soon to be 12 year old and a soon to be 14 year old.
I dont really have an answer for you, but wanted to just send hugs and support your way.
I know that you recently got new animals. Perhaps (if you havent already done so) you could encourage him to "show" or "teach" some of his friends who maybe dont have animals (pigs, sheep and such) how much he knows about them? Maybe if he built some self confidence that would help with being shy?
I know that you home-school. Do you have a group of other home schoolers that you get together with? Is there a 4H type group that he could perhaps connect with and feel more "at home", where the kids would have the same interests as him? I'm really just reaching for straws here with my suggestions, as I am sure you have thought of these things, but again I just wanted to really lend a sisterly sign of support.
This too shall pass, and it will work itself out (might drive you nuts in the meantime, but it WILL work out).
Hugs to you! Keep us posted.
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 02:31:07 AM
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Thanks for your support, Laurie. :) For those who don't know, we did move to a farm last Christmas and I know that totally tossed his world upside down. Although it was a good change for our family, he doesn't handle ANY kind of change well. Now, I "get" that, but I'm not going to let it ruin our family life.
We do have a homeschool group but there are some changes going on there too because the other boys in the group want to get together more to just wrestle and mess around and my son isn't into that. So I told him maybe its time to find another group that fits us better. But oh gosh, mom...that would mean I'd have to meet people. I told him I get that its hard for him to meet new people but it will get easier. Then he just totally shuts down and makes a) going to our old homeschool group unenjoyable and b) finding another one unenjoyable. I told him he can't have it both ways and we didn't homeschool for him to turn into a hermit.
Some of the stuff is just attitude stuff, like when we moved here and found a new church he was angry because service was at 8 am. He said it wasn't fair that he had to wake up that early because "when did he get to sleep in". I told him that was pretty bold for him to say considering his alarm doesn't go off on school days until 7 am (and the neighbor school kids are getting on the BUS at 7 am.) and that HE wasn't in charge, I was. Then he sat at breakfast after church (with our extended family) acting like a martyr or something because gosh, poor him...he was SO tired and gosh...he was so overworked. Someone in the family made a completely appropriate comment about his behavior, and then for the rest of the day my son moped around saying that relative "must not like him anymore".
Sometimes his attitude can be so frustrating...and then its like when you try to correct him, he's SO sensitive that...well its just obnoxious. I know what you're saying about building confidence, Laurie, but we're in this weird place where he needs to learn some humility and that he's not the only person in the world who has to deal with life. I don't know how to get the two things to work out - a kid who can learn some confidence and deal with his shyness in order to be out in the world...who can also accept some instruction on his attitude that very often comes off as "My life is so hard..." which doesn't sit well with anyone!
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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Red Tractor Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
6601 Posts
Winnie
Gainesville
Fl
USA
6601 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 04:19:42 AM
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Amy~ Have you considered talking to your pediatrician for a evaluation? Perhpas this child could benefit from some counseling given his disposition and situation. The couselor could also help you and the family with ideas on how to support him. For his age, they use play therapy and somehow get the ship turned around. My 9 year old daughter hit a rough patch at school and with friends, so pediatrician suggested therapy. All she needed was a few months and her therapist helped her so much. All she remembers is playing chess and drawing pictures, but she made remarkable progress and went on to 5th grade and middle school as a happier child. So worth the money and professional expertise! Sometimes we need intervention from the medical community because the problems are more than what we have the ability to fix. Honestly, I was so relieved to get some help and when I saw it helping, I was so grateful! Remember, professional help is not a comment on your successful parenting. Children are people and we all come wired in certain ways and not necessarily wired correctly! Some situations just need specific work to get them turned around.
Good Luck!
Winnie #3109 |
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SpyChicken
True Blue Farmgirl
436 Posts
Christine
Fond du Lac
WI
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 05:28:57 AM
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My, our kids sure know what buttons to push, don't they!? LOL I try not to pay too much attention to the moping and try to get my son busy with something else-distraction does seem to help. Sometimes I have to have the "Gee, I'm sorry that didn't work out for you, but nobody gets things their way all of the time" talk. Ds isn't crazy about that talk, but for some reason, it does help. And if that doesn't work, I'll nudge ds to his room (or he can stay by where I'm working, etc.)-sometimes just being in there by himself for a little while helps him to work things out for himself and he does return with a much better attitude!
As for the perfectionism, ds has a little bit of that too. I just encourage him to do his best. I try to mix things up at home to keep him flexible because once he gets out into the world, he's gonna have to roll with the punches! LOL
Good luck & know that as moms we all stick together! I hope the situation improves-please keep us posted!
Farm Girl hugs,
Christine
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annielaurel
True Blue Farmgirl
912 Posts
nancy
fernandina beach
florida
USA
912 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 06:08:02 AM
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Winnie the advice you gave Amy is really good. I wish I had done something like what you did when my son was about 10 or so. He was suffering in silence from the emotional abuse his father was giving him. And I was so fearful and weak againt his father that I didn't help matters much. My son is fine now but seems to have really bad memories of his childhood.
Amy just hang in there and do what you can to help your son. Be a good listener and let him know you understand his frustrations. Life is hard sometimes and as he matures he will learn that.
Maybe you can encourage him to write about his feelings. It might help and he could, with his bright mind, actually maybe write some good stories.
Hugs,
Nancy #2301
Make everyday a celebration of the heart. |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 06:22:56 AM
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Thank you for all the advice, farmgirls. Sometimes its just nice to know that I'm not the only one banging my head against the wall over a kid and his behavior! ;)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2012 : 3:57:09 PM
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I agree with Winnie. I took my 6 year old for a total of 3 visits over a 2 month period. She was having some school trouble and we just aren't trained to get her out of the vicious cycle she can get herself into. It seems like they said the same things we were telling her, but since it came from an outside objective adult, she listened. Or she is trying to communicate something but doesn't have the right words and then we don't understand, and then we're all frustrated. I would give counseling a shot. It can't hurt and it's not permanent.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2012 : 06:54:48 AM
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I know you home school. It might be a thought to place him in a public school for one or two classes such as art/music or science for more peer interaction. Get him involved with little league, basketball at the YMCA, something that requires team work. It does sound like he is intelligent and maybe it's due to the fact that the homeschool curriculum, even though they work at their own pace, is not challenging enough for him. And maybe, as much as I don't really want to say this, set him up for 1 thing for him to fail...a project, etc. Sometimes, we, as parents, want our children to be perfect and the child feeds off that as well as running to us to "make it all better". If you allow him to fail at something, he may realize in his own way that he isn't going to be perfect. Just don't make a big deal about the failure. Ask him, "So what did you learn from this" and put the ball back into his court. If you have to, make him write out a paper as to why it failed. Remind him that all inventions failed at one point. You go to church...remind him of the failure in the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and that's the reason why, no matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect. I'm sure I will be going through this too as my little man is only 4 1/2. Good luck. I hope this helps some.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2012 : 10:03:42 AM
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Oh I'm with you Lorena, we're doing boy scouts, homeschool co-op, 4H, different things like that so he NEEDS to be with other kids. And as far as his curriculum at home, I know that is part of the issue - when he was tested (by an outside tester) this year, he was anywhere from a 7th to 10th grade level in all subjects except for math - and he's technically in 3rd grade. So besides the fact that I'm now re-figuring out what the heck to teach him (wasn't prepared for that level yet) he's also feeling like he's not relating with kids his own age either. But then again, when kids his age want to talk about some video game or what is on tv, and my son wants to talk about studying genetics or breeding pigs...he kind of gets a blank stare from them. :(
As far as failing, we do let him fail - I know how important that is. He tries to pull this stuff where he doesn't want to try it if he can't do it perfectly and I tell him that isn't an excuse to try - anything from a new fun thing to a job around the farm. The other day he told me he didn't want to be in charge of the sweeping because he's not good at it. I said, "Give me a break." Then he freaked out whenever he left a pile somewhere. We are sure to let him see EVERYONE in the house fail at stuff. No one is perfect. I know eventually we will get through this, it just makes me bang my head against the wall while we are in it.
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2012 : 7:52:34 PM
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Hi Amy,
Just checking in to see how things are going. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (Lord knows we can ALL use some help and a dash of luck too when it comes to parenting!)
Hope things are going a little bit easier for you and your perfectionist. LOL
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2012 : 05:09:11 AM
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Laurie I appreciate the thoughts and prayers - his perfectionism is tied to so many issues we are having right now and it seems like a giant blob to work through. But I know its nothing that mothers haven't been through before, and I trust I'll get through it!
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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pnickols
True Blue Farmgirl
808 Posts
Patricia
Parma
Ohio
808 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2012 : 7:12:47 PM
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| he sounds like my son who is now 23. He was very academically gifted but shy around people and had just a few close friends. He too was a perfectionist and that was very difficult to handle. I read ,read ,read..his gifted class teacher was very helpful also. Talk to your teachers, physician every kid is a bit different. Unfortunately he never liked school because to him it was boring and that was a challenge too. In third grade I found him crying in the closet because he did not want to go to school. we tried to get him involved in out of school stuff to compensate, this is when he started learning his clarinet which he still plays. we had him play baseball for socialization and exercise and to learn to just have fun that even if he wasn't that great of a player he could still have fun..good luck, be patient |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: perfectionism in 9 yr old boy |
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perfectionism in 9 yr old boy
