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Family Matters:  Grrrr. I am so frustrated right now!  |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 08:30:14 AM
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As some of you know, my son has Asperger's. Those of you who have your own or have been around Autism spectrum children know how sensitive and socially backward Aspi's can be. My son just started a new school for children like him or who have other issues with behavior like violent outbursts and the like. He was doing very well considering he hates changes. He was talking to his classmates about his new dog and how he was teaching her tricks and so forth. One girl told him his dog was stupid because it took an hour to teach her how to "speak". He was crushed. He came home and told me about the incident. I told him his dog was not stupid, she's very smart like him. I let MY mouth get the best of me when I told him he could have come back and told her "Well it took you 3 years to learn to speak." I was only thinking of how long it takes children to learn to speak sentences in general, nothing about disabilities or anything like that so don't get offended. It was a smart mouth retort for a less than respectful girl. Educationally the girl is where she should be, she just has behavioral issues.
Well my son took that comment and used it on her today and now he's in trouble. He was put in physical restraints because he won't apologize to the girl and he was kicking and hitting the staff. He said he won't do anything school related until she apologizes for what she said about his dog.
When my husband called and told me this, I was immediately ticked off. They want to put him in residential, blah blah blah. I said he doesn't need residential. She needs to apologize to him and he can apologize to her and he'll settle down. His violent outbursts are not acceptable and we are working on that. That's one reason he's is in this school. If you had known him several years ago, he's a completely different child now. We are still just trying to smooth the rough edges. Here's an example for you - when he was 4 he was kicked out of preschool and we were told he couldn't come back unless he was medicated. He never went back.
I know some of you are going to be appalled at my attitude, but we've been fighting the system for 11 years trying to get him the education he is entitled to as an American. We've been made every kind of promise from every kind of agency and they have all failed in every aspect. Before he started this school he was on "homebound" and only going to school for an hour a day. He was basically in isolation from other students because he spent his hour in the principal's office with his teacher of record and never allowed to interact with other students.
He's never been allowed to play on a sports team (not my choice), never been in boy scouts. We tried 4H but because at the time he refused to write (he was assigned a scribe in his IEP), the 4H board refused to allow me to write for him even if he told me everything about the project. I told them they allow other people to write for children with visible handicaps like Down's Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy and things like that. They told me there was no reason he couldn't write and we needed to stop babying him. DONE WITH 4H. And to think I was a leader for 3 1/2 years.
So yeah, I probably do have a bad attitude. I want the best for him and I am not going to let a mouthy little pre-teen girl stand in the way.
I am not making excuses for him. I shouldn't have said it and he shouldn't have said it either, but we did. He shouldn't be punished for standing up for himself and his beloved dog. She needs to be reprimanded for instigating the bickering.
I am so tired of him getting into trouble when someone else pushes his buttons. The staff knows how he is. I made sure they were fully aware of what happens when his buttons do get pushed. He needs to be taught how to cope and how not to lash out or get enraged when someone teases him, not be tied up like Hannibal Lechter. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! 
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 08:42:36 AM
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I'm so sorry this has happened. She should have been reprimanded for her statement to him, as well--kids says horrible things to one another, but he shouldn't be the only one reprimanded. Aspy kids appear to most people "just like us" because they don't see a physical disability, but people don't take into account the sometimes severe sensitivity issues, which can be HUGELY debilitating. Even more so than not being able to use a hand to write. If crumpling paper sends him to the moon (not your son, just an example of what caused major issues with another child I knew with Aspergers), and it seems like "no big thing" to normal people, and people who have VISIBLE disabilities, then people only see, "he needs to grow up."
I can't believe they used restraints, though I'm sure that's a policy as opposed to really thinking through the situation. I can't even imagine how much you hurt with this--recognizing that his behaviors aren't acceptable, but that he's still your son and that you'd move heaven and earth to integrate him into school or an activity where he can be accepted and he isn't alienated by his differences.
I'm thinking of you--as a mother, I can only imagine how fiercely you want to protect him and make this all go away.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 10:38:28 AM
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Okay, this...wow. I have Asperger's syndrome, and the way your son has been treated is appalling. I actually am so angry right now I'm almost incoherent!
I do have to ask though...have his workers determined what's at the root of his anger? (Aside from that bratty girl.) Does he have communication issues that are frustrating him? Is he having a lot of sensory overload? Is he bullied?
I've seen so many Aspie kids with anger issues, and since I know that I was a very angry child (and can tell you why)...I always wonder what's causing the anger. Once the cause is dealt with, everything else seems to smooth out.
Take heart Lora! You're doing great advocating for him! Thanks, speaking as an adult Aspie.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Hoosiermom
True Blue Farmgirl
199 Posts
Beth
Alexandria
IN
USA
199 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 11:56:30 AM
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Wow! I can't believe or imagine the restraints...I would think that is only making things worse. I am also really surprised about the situation with 4-H. My cousin's daughter has Aspberger's too & she has the same issues with the writing. She can write, but she absolutely hates to, it's like a huge anxiety trigger for her. They were able to talk to the school board & she now types here homework papers on the computer; she enjoys the computer but hates to write & it is a real challenge for her. Not sure if that is something he could do or likes to do but it's an idea. I would think an animal project would be good for your son. Are you in Madison Co 4-h?
Good luck! It's too bad he can't be involved in something that we would enjoy.
Beth |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 12:31:19 PM
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We were leaders for a Madison County horse and pony club back in the 90's before we even had our son. The project I put him was beekeeping which involved a lot of writing. They wouldn't listen to me at all. I explained his situation and that I might have to get up with him for him to give the presentation and was told that if he couldn't do it himself, he couldn't do it at all. I was shocked. I always thought 4H was for the children to expand themselves - not cut them off. The school itself allows him to type or use a scribe. He is doing better at handwriting now, but still prefers to use the computer or let someone write it for him. We started compromising with him that if he wrote 1 math problem, we would write two. It got him to actually pick up a pencil and try.
He's been in handcuff's twice at AMES and AMIS. Alex PD didn't know what to do and I couldn't get there fast enough. They apologized for doing it. I told them I understood their point of view - What do you do with an out of control child that is using every part of his body to inflict pain on someone else - ie: hitting, elbowing, scratching, kicking, headbutts forward and backward, biting, grinding his chin into what ever body part is close and writhing like an angry gator. They tried the second time to just hold on using special holds, but when he gets that way, he starts sweating and its like trying to hold on to a greased pig. Somebody's going to get hurt. As soon as he calmed down - they removed the cuffs. Lots of times after an episode, he just cries or falls right to sleep - sometimes doesn't even remember having the episode. It's scary.
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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Edited by - FARMALLChick on Mar 06 2012 12:34:23 PM |
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countrymommy85
True Blue Farmgirl
898 Posts
Krystle
MT
USA
898 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 12:44:00 PM
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Wow, I would be really angry too! It has to be so extremely frustrating! It's too bad people just don't care and don't try to help you and other parents like you out! It sounds like you are a great mom and doing a great job parenting him! Parenting is a tough job but throwing in anything else to the mix like autism and similar speed bumps like it make it harder. I think the true jewels of the parenting community are the parents who have a child like yours. One of my friends has an autistic spectrum child and he is absolutely brilliant, just has a hard time getting it out. I wish more people were sensitive to situations like yours. I can't believe 4H treated you like that. Is it possible to start your own 4H group up instead of attending one already available?
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
http://countryrenaissance.blogspot.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SunflowersAndHoney |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 12:44:29 PM
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The most common trigger is being told to do something he doesn't think he have to do. Take spelling for instance. When we tried him in a Gen Ed. class, the teacher passed out a list of spelling words. Her rule is the students have write each word 4 times - memorization by repetition. Lliam doesn't learn that way. He can look at the list for a couple of minutes, hand the list back and spell just about every word on it correctly. His aide tried to explain that to the teacher ( this was also written in his IEP), but she was old school and stubborn and insisted he do like the other children had to do. It was game on for him. He started turning red, clenched his fists and flung his books and papers off the desk. His aide was trying in vain to get him out the room. He flipped over the desk, threw a book, pulled over a book shelf and was growling and screaming at the same time. It's like the incredible Hulk behavior wise. I have no idea where the strength comes from.
I must say though, that because of Lliam, Alexandria Community Schools now has an action plan for autism spectrum children and nearly every teacher has been trained in the special holds. Before we got there, they had no clue. I just hope that they learned from all the mistakes they made with him and that it better helps other children.
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 1:00:47 PM
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We had considered it, but realized our hearts just aren't in it anymore. Our main focus is to help him get through school and hopefully into college. I just want him to be able to function with exploding and ending up in jail because some clueless officer or judge doesn't realize whats really going on.
That happened to another parent I knew. She's an advocate (that's how I met her) and tried to explain to the courts what his issues were, but they weren't going to listen to her because he hit an officer. He was scared and panicked and lashed out.
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2012 : 8:51:38 PM
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I am so sorry that youre going through this,Lora. My 10 year old son is autistic, so I know about having to be an advocate as far as teachers, etc are concerned. It's tough to try to anticipate the "bumps in the road", yet have a sense of normal. Do not feel bad for what you said, you are human! My son has been having problems with a bully this past week and believe me, it took everything I had not to tell my son to tell that bully where to go. Have you made a deatiled plan with the school as far as what to do when he gets upset (calming techinques, having him take a break when he's getting frustrated,etc?)
A couple of years ago, I was having trouble with one of my sons teachers and I realized that IM in charge, not them. I went to the school and said "This is what's gonna happen." That's when the changes started happening for us.
I think what really gets me is the way that you were treated by 4H. Personally, I would go higher up in the chain of command and let them know what happened.
I'm pulling for you and your family! Let us know what happens!
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama |
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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl
4827 Posts
Dawn
Naperville
Illinois
USA
4827 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2012 : 07:58:01 AM
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Lora,you and your family are in my prayers. My youngest son (8 years old) is under the Autism spectrum. He is ADHD, mildly autistic and we are having behavorial problems too. It reached the point where he now goes to school from 9-12:40 and I home school spelling, science and social studies. Sadly, we too have experienced a lot of frustration and anger with our incomptent school system. When it comes to special ed. schools seem to have a bunker mentality. Things are so bad for us with the school that we have our house up for sale. We are hoping to move to a nearby area that has superb K-12 schools and the best special ed programs in IL.
You are human and sometimes we all blurt out something in frustration. Every time my son makes a single wrong move or says something "inappropriate" he is written up for it. I have told the principal that if you put a regular ed kid under a microscope they would be writing him up constantly too.
Have you tried a behaviorial therapist for your son? The least they can do is give you advice on getting the best legal advocate for your son. I've learned no one is in our corner but us. You need to keep up the fight & do what is best for your family. I wish I had some real answers for you. Please remember that you have a lot of support and advice here. Remember to take good care of you too.
Dawn in IL |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2012 : 11:03:17 AM
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Thanks girls, I truly appreciate your support. I know that we aren't the only ones with this issue, but sometimes its nice to hear what others are going thru too. Quite frankly - it sucks! Sorry to be blunt, but I shoot from the hip and ask questions later.
My husband and I are it as far as familial support for Lliam. Our mothers are so wrapped up in themselves they don't even call to see how he is doing. We both have a brother and neither of them give a rat's behind either. Yet, I am a bad sister if I don't call to see how my niece and nephew are doing. Really?
Anyway, aside from all that, we are hoping that this new school will get through to him somehow. It's structured kind of like a school. He is in class for a couple of hours with other students, then a break, then group, lunch, PE, another group and then home. We had a very long exhaustive chat this morning about his attitude and lack of willingness to let the therapists "in" to help. He said he wants to be normal. I told him he has to work at that. I tried to tell him that a star athlete doesn't become a star athlete over night. They have work very hard everyday no matter how they feel. They have to take direction from other people to become the best that they can be.
He has a t-shirt that he just loves. Its a marine shirt that says 'Pain is weakness leaving the body'. I told him that pain doesn't have to be physical. Its emotional too, but that every one in the world feels pain at some point in their lives. Some people choose to wallow in it and fall apart. Others take that pain and make it a stepping stone to make themselves better. I told him he has to choose - That I wanted him to remember all the pain we have been through in the past few years and use those experiences as his stepping stones to become the person he wants to. No one is has a magic pill or magic wand that will make all this go away. He has to be the one to make it happen. I told him that he needs to open his mind and really listen to what they are saying in group.
He threw out that my boss is taking advantage of me by making me drive an hour either way to work when I could work at the store closest to our home. I told him that the boss chose me to work at the far away store because he trusts me and he knows that he will get an honest days' work out of me. He also helps pay for the gas to get there and back. I have never had a boss that did that. The boss is also considering purchasing a small car for me to use for the commute instead of my big truck. I told Lliam that I was lucky to have such a generous boss.
Since that ploy didn't work he threw out that his dad is lazy and won't look for another job. So I explained to him that even though his dad doesn't like where his is working, he has to stay there for now because its flexible. The job allows him to leave to pick up Lliam from school every day. Since he is the manager, he can pretty much decide when he works, but that he has to work more than a few hours to make the money to put gas in the truck and pay obligations (child support for another child). It's so frustrating.
I also explained to him that my boss is going to see about getting me more than one day off per week. I said it may be a little while yet because he is getting ready to open a 5th store and depends on me to jump in and help. I explained that even though it might look as though I work like crazy and don't get anything - I do get rewarded by having a paycheck that lets us keep our house and have trucks and a boat that he loves to go fishing in. I get a nice free dinner once a month for the "company meeting" along with a gift card of some sort as the bosses way of saying thanks for all you do. I like what I do even though the hours are long. I know that if I stick with this company, it will be worth it especially in this day and age.
Lora
If it ain't red, leave it in the shed.
www.CountryFriedAcres.etsy.com
www.farmallchick.blogspot.com
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2012 : 06:55:22 AM
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Lora,
You are your son's most important ally. No one knows him better and no one else is going to keep working with him so that he can reach his fullest potential. Don't let any of Them tell you something that in your heart you know is not true about your boy. I know you have had to back down and let things go plenty of times before and that there will be more of those bite your tongue times in the future. That goes for all parents. Continue to do your best for this young man whose potential is waiting to be released.
Best wishes that you can weather this storm...
Marianne |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2012 : 07:09:13 AM
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Lora, when he "Hulks out" it's basically pure adrenaline. It's kind of like that mom who lifted a car off of her son: the "fight or flight" response has gone crazy. Every spectrum guy I've ever known is far, far stronger than he appears. Since we have more nerves than neurotypicals (I wish I could re-find that study) and sometimes have wonky adrenal systems, it's possible that the combination makes guys' muscles work more efficiently. Totally theorizing here, but I will do some research and let you know what I find.
That teacher sounds like she was SO not a good fit for him. I had a couple of teachers like that as well; to make matters worse, I was not diagnosed until adulthood! I am glad that your son has you and his workers to be his champions.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Naked on a Mountain Top
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Seana
Durango
CO
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2012 : 07:46:13 AM
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Do you have an Adaptive Sports program near you?
I have been volunteering for 11 years with these programs and the physical outlet they can provide can be wonderful. I have seen kids that "act out" become calmer due to physical activities and thus more tollerant in other aspects of life.
Many offer such sports as snowskiing, bicycling (tandem or trike), camping, river rafting, etc. The fresh air and new people often have a surprising effect.
Just remember to breathe!
www.durangodream.blogspot.com |
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FARMALLChick
True Blue Farmgirl
978 Posts
Lora
Alexandria
IN
USA
978 Posts |
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Family Matters: Grrrr. I am so frustrated right now! |
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Grrrr. I am so frustrated right now!
