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Entrepreneurship:  Letting go of a dream?  |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 12:35:05 PM
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Since I was a teenager, I've dreamed of owning my own business. As an adult I've made that happen, only now I've run into a problem: the Mister. He's not supportive at all. He only pays lip service to it and is so needy that I never have time to devote to my work. (However, I can have all the time I want to sew his designs.) Since he has control of the checking account, I barely get any allowance for supplies or marketing.
Best of all, he's started complaining because we haven't seen any money off of it. How can it make money when I'm not allowed to put any time or cash flow into it? (Mind, I have pointed this out to him and he dismisses it.)
It's reached the point that when he starts yelling, I tell him I am just going to close down and turn in my vendor's license. I don't want to give up my business, but I'm exhausted from fighting about it. Apparently he'd rather I work 70 hours a week so he can complain that he never sees me. It's really making me resent sewing his designs (that was supposed to be our business, but I'm so burnt out that I haven't been inspired in months).
What can I do? I know I have a decent check coming--FINALLY!--from my business this week. Do I wait to show that to him and hope it gets him off my case?
I'm sorry for the negativity, so feel free to delete this. I just don't know too many other entrepreneurs I can ask.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 1:42:05 PM
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I understand your position and I'm sorry it's causing you so much pain. You sound so heart broken!
Is there anyway you can start your own checking account? Can you do it on your own?
I hope you can find someway to keep your business!
Gentle hugs,
Cyn |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 2:06:59 PM
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Cynthia, I completely am. I feel as though he's forcing me to choose which dream (a business or a family) I love more. I had a checking account, but that just led to fights because the bank's funds availability policy delayed how soon I could get my share of the bills into his account.
If I could have my own checking account, I could get things going in no time. Now, however, everything has to go into his account for bills since my income is all we have. (Mind you, we could spare a little--but he'd rather spend our spare money on frilly dresses and makeup that I don't even like to wear.)
I hope I can too!
*hugs back*
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3318 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3318 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 3:30:27 PM
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How old are you Alyce? You sound very young.
As a mature woman of 54 I have always told my own daughters and I follow this rule myself, TAKE charge of your own life even if it causes a minor rift because in the end dearie it really is your life.
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 3:37:11 PM
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I am sorry to say this, BUT, he sounds very controling and cruel. To me it does not sound like much of a friendship/partnership, let alone a healthy relashinship...if you want to keep YOUR business, then open your own account for it alone, he should have his own account for his, then have a household/joint account. He seems to have you under his thumb, and there's nothing healthy about that...love should not hurt!
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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machick
True Blue Farmgirl
60 Posts
Diana
Park City
Kansas
USA
60 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 3:47:11 PM
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I have to agree with Melody. Take care of yourself and your business and you will then be abel to care for your family. You do not need his permission to take care of what you need to take care of. He will be proud of you once he sees you are that strong. You have a right to live your life and you will only be making it better for everyone. Went thur this same thing when we had been married 14 years. Finally hit my bottom--Got up off of it and started doing for me and the kids. It worked wonders in our life and we have been happy every since. We have now been married 44 years. Dont give up yet!!!
You have to let him know he is only in your life because you want him there, not because you need him for anything. You can do this!!
I will praying for you.
May your bobbins always be full!!! |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 3:56:07 PM
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I strongly agree with Melody, Tina, and Diana. Where there's a will, there's a way. It seems like you know your way, life goes by really fast, may yours be what you want it to be.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 4:48:29 PM
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Oh, boy. Does this bring back memories!! The 'your share of the bills' doesn't ring right to me. He's controlling and needy and will pull you down, farther than you ever thought. Get your own checking account. It is your business (well, other than the community property thing) and you need to run it. If you don't, and you LET him keep controlling, he will get worse and worse.
The meanest words that were ever said to me about my controlling, abusive marriage was "Grow a spine!" My God, how that hurt at the time!! But, too true!!
Your post makes my blood run cold. Yes, it's that bad, IMHO. Better get a handle on it NOW. It won't matter how much you make or what you do, he will NEVER support your doing your 'thing'. I'm betting he is actively working to undermine everything you do.
Been there, done that, have the T shirt.
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
Also, http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com is back up and running! Please check it out! Puh-leeze...??
My newest experimental blog: http://lostadventuresingreatdeals.blogspot.com Check it out!!
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 5:53:08 PM
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btdt and i can only agree with the others.
i too wondered how old you are?
years ago i was a tupperware manager with a car ..my hubby was jealous of the fact that i was successful..he would do what he could to undermine-biggest thing he did was to not show up on time to care for our kids when i had a party or event...i paid sitters when i had to but sometimes i had no warning!
i would cash the check that's coming and hide it if you can't bank it without him.
as a former bank teller; open a business acct that does not have his name attached in any way and use it only for business....
self employment is a real struggle- dedication has to be 900% more than anyone else's and often we can get sidetracked by family etc...i have put a few dreams on hold but i refuse to totally let them go--if you let your dreams go you die...
sorry-i'll step back....my soao box gets a bit shaky some days.....
you just cannot let him do this.jmho
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 5:55:43 PM
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alyce...is this the same guy hanging with the girl who is flirting with him? and whose mother wants him to work fast food?
do you have kids?
i'm sorry-i know that i am asking personal questions.
you have come to this board asking advice....mine is to get away from him and make your own life...cuz he does not seem to be good for you. again, jmho....
it's easy for me to say ...
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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Bensgrandma
True Blue Farmgirl
227 Posts
Alexis
White Oak
PA
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 6:04:30 PM
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Please don't let us scare you off but I have to agree with the ladies here. I have been married for 41 years to the same man. We did not have a lot years ago (and really do not now) but he supports me in my ventures and I in his hobbies. I think that is the only way a marriage can work. Your husband sounds a bit controling and maybe a bit jeolous.
I have a separate checking account in addition to our joint account and he knows about it. Actually I think he may be a signer on it. I call it my paypal account. Any money I make at my sewing, etc. goes into that account. It is essentially my money and he does not say what to do with any profit. Something just does not ring right here - you sound like you are essentially supporting him with your income. If you have a job in addition to your artistic endeavours, then that could be "house" money and anything you earn through your business should be yours.
By the way - if you have a website or an Etsy account, you should have it in your signature line so we can support you here and see what you have to sell!
Best of luck to you and may all your dreams come true.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/HugsandStitches
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ACharmingExperience |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 6:05:57 PM
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Alyce,
Listen to the very wise women on this board. We have been there and done that. He will never support you or your business, you have to do it for you. I had a similar situation many years ago with my first DH. The better my business did the more he found wrong with it and me. He was and is an alcoholic so that just added to his insecurity. Needless to say, that marriage ended. I took my two kids and my business and never looked back. I am not saying to leave him, but you need to stand on your own two feet and do what's right for you. Maybe he'll come around and maybe he won't, but that is totally up to him. Working fast food wouldn't kill him...maybe it would give him a totally new perspective.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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minismith
Farmgirl in Training
41 Posts
Nancy
Moscow
TN
USA
41 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 7:30:53 PM
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Alyce,
I'm joining the choir. Follow your dream.
Nancy
Naturalized Farmgirl
Live a Savory Life!
http://www.liveasavorylife.com |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3318 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3318 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 7:36:53 PM
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BRAVO LADIES!!! I just LOVE this forum~
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 9:39:06 PM
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I have to agree. What kind of good person DOESN'T ROOT for his partner to WIN?? Especially since it's money coming in and alleviates all the hours he is working?
You say that you stitch HIS designs? That's your leverage right there. YOU only sew HIS designs if he gives you a chance to do your work, that's what I say.
I hope he grows up, marriage is good compromise at least, and full support at best!
~*~Dream all you dreamers~*~
View My Work:
art/dolls: www.vagabondcreations.blogspot.com
The Horse Drawn Project and Farming!
www.beyondvagabond.com
View the blog and radio show!
Renegade Farming!: www.therenegadefarmer.com
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 2:06:38 PM
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Zan, thank you; that is great leverage, as is the fact that I just learned we can get a really good deal on insurance if I keep my business going.
Thank you, everyone; it gave me a lot to think about. I tend to forgive a lot since I know what he's been through, but I do have to draw a line before he starts taking me for granted. I don't want to have to work so hard all my life at a job I frankly hate; I DO want to build my business as well as his.
He didn't hang out for long with the girl who's chasing him; he had a friend come pick him up and take him for a few days to clear his head. He was sounding much better when I spoke to him yesterday. Haven't talked to him today yet because he forgot his phone charger and I suspect his phone died! (For all I know, right now he could be sitting in the kitchen taking his vitamins.)
You gals are right: I can't let go of my dream, or I might as well give up and die. He needs to see that it can't be all about him all the time.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 2:15:59 PM
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Okay- Jumping on the bandwagon here too...
Alyce- I have read a number of your posts, and quite honestly it sounds as though this "Mister" of yours is nothing but trouble for you. Between you having to hope that he "does the right thing" in regard to a girl that is flirting with him, to him "looking up to" Curt Cobain's suicide??? Really?
You sound much more intelligent than that Alyce!
I know all of the sayings that Love is blind etc etc, but I really have to chime in agree with all of the wonderful advice that the ladies have posted before me.
From the outside looking in it just looks like he is doing nothing more than bringing you down, and has you convinced that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing! You sound smarter than that, and NO relationship is worth it if you can not be yourself and are constantly scared/worried/concerned etc. Its just not right. That is not how a true loving relationship is supposed to be. I am 46 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 18 years. I certainly do not claim to know it all, nor am I or my relationship without errors, but NEVER would I allow someone to run MY LIFE the way it sounds like your MISTER is running yours.
I hope you do not take this the wrong way. As others stated- you asked for advice so we are giving our opinions, in hopes that you will see clearly. If you are asking for advice- I bet there is a little voice inside telling you that something is not right with the situation you are in....LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 2:18:52 PM
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Believe me, I am listening...to the advice and my own voice. You'd think by 35 I'd be smart enough not to be in this position, right?
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2012 : 6:25:48 PM
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Alyce- It can happen to the best of us- but this is how we GROW... sometimes we fall down, but we have to brush ourselves off and start over. Never doubt yourself, and do not let "the mister" tell you any nonsense like you will never make it on your own etc. The power of a woman in incredible and you can do anything that you set your mind to (including leaving a bad situation. It may not be the easy way, but in the end it will be worth it. All good things are worth the effort!
Feel free to email me if you need to talk etc. There are many farmgirls (including some very close by you) that are here to help you and give you the support you need.
Blessings to you. I am praying for you!
Smiles,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Feb 19 2012 : 4:13:01 PM
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Alyce-reading the posts here,and I'm glad all the sisters have stepped in to help you while I was absent from the forum. Don't you ever give up your dream for anybody! and as controlling as he is,I swear if it were me I'd be long gone down the road & have a lawyer filing papers. He has no right to tell you what you can & cannot do with your money,where you can & cannot keep it,and so forth. I left a control freak husband over 10 years ago and have never,never regretted it. Like you,he didn't want me to have my own business or pursue my talents-only if my talents helped him (he was an actor & I've always been musical)
It takes an average of a few years to really start seeing profit from a business- it is not overnight. I married at 30 thinking I was mature enough to choose well and divorced just shy of my 5th anniversary. Age has nothing to do with choosing the wrong marriage partner. Sometimes we get fooled by "good acting" and placing our trust in the wrong man. A control freak isn't going to announce that he is one,believe me. I'm 48 now,still single,but loving it! Email me if you need someone to talk to.
http://www.mandolinbabe.net
http://www.fiddlebelle.com
http://www.fleabagatelle.com
http://www.celticcowgirl.me
@MandolinChick on Twitter
mando pickin,uke strummin,dulcimer playin & fiddle sawin' Farmgirl #702 |
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Entrepreneurship: Letting go of a dream? |
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Letting go of a dream?
