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Family Matters:  honoring wishes and being put in a hard place  |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 4:58:46 PM
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My aunt (who I have mentioned in another thread) passed away last weekend. She was diagnosed with cancer two months ago, wanted no treatment, and didn't want anyone except her close family to know she was ill. (Kids, grandkids, brothers/sisters, nieces and nephews). Her theory was that if people (other family not mentioned above) didn't like her enough to visit her while she was alive, they didn't need to know she was dying.
So the family was sworn to secrecy. We couldn't change her mind to tell other cousins or family friends, she was adamant about not letting people know. We respected her wishes. However, now she's passed on and we have the job of running into people who ask about her and we have to say "Oh, um...she died." or people who read her obituary in the paper and want to know why they weren't called for the (at home) service. We just say "Those were her wishes and we wanted to respect them." We've been put in a REALLY weird place doing this. Some people are really offended by it, but some people understand that we were honoring her wishes. Any thoughts or advice?
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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MrsRooster
True Blue Farmgirl
1168 Posts
Amy
Seabrook
TX
USA
1168 Posts |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
3004 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
3004 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 6:16:44 PM
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Those were her wishes.
Pure & simple |
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rksmith
True Blue Farmgirl
858 Posts
Rachel
Clayton
GA
USA
858 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 6:25:34 PM
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Honestly I wouldn't worry over it. I'd tell them I was honoring her wishes and if they didn't like it they could ********.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realised-- His Holiness the Dali Lama
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
863 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
863 Posts |
Posted - Jan 26 2012 : 7:34:46 PM
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That is an awkward position to be in. I'm sure people are just upset because they didn't get to say goodbye to her. The only thing you can do is tell them you were honoring her wishes. Hopefully they understand, but if not don't beat yourself up over it. You were put in a tough situation and you did what you had to respect her wishes.
Emily |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 05:24:47 AM
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It sounds like you are doing a great job. I am so sorry it hurts some people's feelings and makes it awkward for you. That is hard but I am so impressed that you have done such a good job in honoring our Aunt's wishes. That shows such a great family strength and bond. Hopefully these others are just reacting more out of surprise than true anger. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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Simply Satisfied
True Blue Farmgirl
427 Posts
Emily
Montana
USA
427 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 05:26:37 AM
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I love the crying afterward I bet that reallly works. I am sorry for your loss and your position but I understand hers too and if you tell everyone that is all you talk about anyway which must get to be really old. Dying of anything really you are dwelling on it enough why would you want everyone else to. It was her choice and I am proud of your whole in the know family for not having it slip out. You did a good thing honoring her.
Emily
Farmgirl # 3591 |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 05:44:12 AM
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I agree with what everyone else is saying. The bottom line is you HONORED HER WISHES! That is what is important here. Not that other people are upset. I understand it does put you in an odd spot at the moment, but dont feel the need to say anything mor than "those were her wishes" to those that you run into or those that ask. You did nothing wrong at all!
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 05:48:36 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words and ideas. I'm sure my aunt is giggling right now at all of this, or saying "See, I told you..." because her whole thing was that these people never EVER visited her while she was alive (which is the truth) and now suddenly they care that she's gone because they read it in the paper or something. So I guess she proved her point. And I bet she's smiling a big ol' smile right now. Point? Don't wait until it's too late to visit or be family. She's been inviting these (other) people over for years - some of them didn't even come see her new house that she moved too 8-10 years ago!! Too busy...don't care, too busy, oh sorry...we will do it some other time...sorry didn't return your call, busy with stuff....I guess she just got tired of it. Didn't want people suddenly caring simply because she was sick. You know? :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 06:31:02 AM
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I'm sorry for your loss and for people that seem to be a little selfish. I feel if those were her wishes and you honored her with them- that is what matters most. You should feel very good and proud that you honored her that way she wanted.
Lori |
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Wildcrafter
True Blue Farmgirl
340 Posts
Suzanne
Seattle
WA
USA
340 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 06:48:48 AM
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A local boy here passed away this month tragically in an accident. We are a smallish community and there has been a ton of outpouring for the family. There are some who post on some facebook sites (and on mine as well) asking how he died. My question is, "Why do you want to know?" It seems gruesome and tasteless to ask that question and it's really none of anyone's business. Those people get ignored.
Personally, I wouldn't do the pretend crying thing. That's weak and manipulative. in my opinion. We can pull up our big girl pants and practice good boundaries. I would simply state what her wishes were and if they persist, a cold hard stare would suffice.
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Edited by - Wildcrafter on Jan 27 2012 06:51:34 AM |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 08:46:25 AM
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You've done what your Aunt wished. Good for you.
Sorry for your loss.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 09:03:38 AM
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I was there with my Great Aunt--she didn't want a service whatsoever. And, with the way she so rapidly decline from the time of her diagnosis, she didn't even look like the same person. I did what she asked, though I "did" go against her wishes and put an obituary in the paper. I was hounded consistently for a week about "no service" and then, from the well-meaning ladies from her church, as to "when" they could hold a memorial service for her. After so many long distance phone calls, I simply said, "she didn't want any service. I am respecting her wishes, so I won't be involved, however, should you feel the need to remember her with your own service, please do so." and that was that.
I felt weird, and I know you do, too, but this is what she wanted. The only people that will be offended, largely, are the ones who didn't come to see her...
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 12:40:42 PM
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i have to give you credit for honoring her!
my sweetie man (to whom i was married 8+ years and now live with) felt the same- he wanted no service, nothing. his family is big on the wake etc- so i convinced him to do a memorial after the fact-he wants to be cremated and ashes spread in a certain place and i will honor that. i will plan his memorial service by his wishes at a later time.
as for myself, i have planned my own end of life - a memorial after the fact of cremation as well, right down to music to be played. in a situation where ppl DO care enough to visit , etc., it can be very cathartic for them to mourn and say goodbye. in your aunt's situation, it is understandable that she did not wish to inform these ppl...i don't blame her!!!!!
again - i give you credit for what you are doing. it IS a hard spot, but you know in your heart you are honoring her !!!! here's an atta girl cuz i sense that you need it!!!!!and a hug!
Farmgirl # 2139
proud member of the Farmgirls of the Southwest Henhouse
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2012 : 1:25:50 PM
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| I attended a graveside service once in which the presiding minister said something like: "If you disagree with the type of service that is being held today, please know that it was "deceased" wish that her funeral be handled in this way and if you want to complain to someone, please discuss it with her when you get to heaven." LOL |
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
985 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
985 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2012 : 08:24:11 AM
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I would gently explain that she wanted things kept private and that it is your duty to respect her wishes. If they get huffy about it, then say, if she wanted you to know, she would have told you. nuff said.
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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sjmjgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
566 Posts
Stephanie
Mt. Vernon
Iowa
USA
566 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2012 : 08:51:43 AM
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Like everyone else said, just a short and simple answer will do. You understand where they are coming from, but that was her wish. The end.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2012 : 09:44:37 AM
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You can calmly explain, looking them right in the eye (if you can), that HONORING your AUNT'S wishes was the most important thing you could do for her as she was dying. Going against her wishes would have caused her great discomfort and disappointment in her family for dishonoring her wishes.
(These people are just feeling slighted that they were not one of the "special ones" to know, and are projecting that onto you, trying to make you somehow feel bad that you WERE one of the special ones --- and because they feel guilty that they did not do more for her in her living days to fall into the "special" category). Some people don't know what they have until it is gone..or WHO, in this case, and that is just too bad for them that they didn't recognize it sooner.
Hugs to you,
Shelly |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2012 : 01:09:02 AM
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So sorry for your loss. Main thing is that you honored her wishes and in doing that you have honored her and her life.
As others have said? Those now offended, it is for them to work out. No doubt they feel guilty and they will have to work thru that.
I admire what you and your family are doing!
Blessings,
Linda
www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com |
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hoosiercountry
True Blue Farmgirl
572 Posts
karla
north port
fl
USA
572 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2012 : 3:41:04 PM
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| I am very sorry for the loss of your Aunt. You were so right in honoring her wishes. You may never know the hurt she felt over the years from those she would like to have visited with but they were too busy or did not care enough to make alittle time to visit with her. You gave her so much in respecting her wishes. Big Hugs to you and your family. |
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Family Matters: honoring wishes and being put in a hard place |
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honoring wishes and being put in a hard place
