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Family Matters:  Sister wants to be paid to take Mom to doctor  |
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Canadian farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Lori
Ontario
Canada
482 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 29 2011 : 2:34:14 PM
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Hi farmgirl sisters, I need some advice. This may take a while, sorry.
Some of you may know, my dad passed away last year, and mom refused to go into a nursing home (she has Parkinson's), so she lives alone at her apartment, and gets homecare 3 days a week. She has four kids: myself, two other sisters and my brother. Only one of the girls (J) lives in the same town as her; the rest of us are all an hour's drive away, and we all have jobs, we are not retired. Mom is 76.
The sister (J) who lives closest to her is feeling like she is bearing more than her share of the load with mom. Unfortunately, when mom needs to go to a medical appointment, she does end up being the one who takes her more than the rest of us, but she chooses to give up her shift at work to do this, if she cannot trade with someone. I work at a place with a very skeleton staff, and you cannot just take the day off.
Mom has an appointment tomorrow, and I tried to get her to make it later in the day so I could drive down and take her, do my turn. However, she could only get an 8 am time. Yesterday my sister J sent out an email to the three of us, and wants us two girls to pay her for the six hour shift she is giving up. I don't have money to start paying my sister's wages! Neither does my other sister (K).
Mom does not know what's going on, and does not realize that we are all a little financially strapped. What should I do? Should I level with Mom and tell her what's happening? She has more money than any of us, if that matters.
My other sister (K) who is involved in this talked to J on the phone last night, and she's really angry with both of us because we have refused to pay her. My suggestion was that if anyone pays her anything, it should be Mom.
So far, no one's heard anything my brother thinks of all this!
Help!
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
Edited by - Canadian farmgirl on Oct 01 2011 07:40:51 AM |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2011 : 2:57:57 PM
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Why aren't you bringing it up to your mother? Is it considered impolite in your family? It might be best if all you kids and mom got together and laid everything out on the table in a calm respectful manner. Your mom can't help if she doesn't know the situation. She may not realize your sister doesn't get paid when she misses work. And you kids can come to a rotating agreement for doctor visits. The sooner it's resolved the less chance for resentment to build.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Canadian farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Lori
Ontario
Canada
482 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2011 : 3:21:01 PM
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This was my thought, it's time mom knew some of the things we are keeping from her. A family meeting would ideally be the best.
Last year was a horrible year, with the death of my dad, and we have tried not to burden her with other things, as Mom has her own medical problems. This year, in March, I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, and Mom does not know, but the other siblings do. It's causing me constant ringing, and some hearing loss, so I just got a special hearing aid to help me. Of course, these things are very expensive, and that's one of my big financial burdens right now. I was thinking last night, I should tell her about this medical condition, but I have kept it from her so she wouldn't worry.
There are some bad vibes between Mom and sister K, so she's not too willing to go out of her way to help out. I don't want to get in the middle of that--I just want to find a way that we can all help out equally! This is so hard, the way medical appointments get scheduled, when we are all trying to hold down jobs. Mom doesn't have many friends, she has just kept to herself for years, relying on Dad.
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
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22angel
True Blue Farmgirl
498 Posts
Pam
Manitoba
Canada
498 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2011 : 4:31:02 PM
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My Mom's family is the opposite - they all lived in the same town as my mom's mother, and there were 3 sisters & 1 brother (along with my mom who lives 2 1/2 hrs away), and it was always my one aunt that took Grandma to her appts. It helped too that this aunt is a nurse & therefore knows more than anyone else. With my Dad's dad, it's a bit more difficult, since Mom & Dad are the only family, but still 2 1/2 hrs away, and Mom ends up doing it all on her one day off a week (Tuesdays. She gets every 2nd weekend off, but during the week only Tuesdays which is stupid). Anyhow. Oh, and my Mom used to take her neighbor to all of his dr appts & I don't think she ever got paid for it, or if she did, she gave it to his POA.
I don't think you should have to pay her for her wages/missed day of work, if anything it should be set up to come out of your Mom's account. And generally specialist appointments are set up well in advance, so she should be able to switch a day off if needed with no problem. But I agree that you all need to sit down with Mom & figure something out. Maybe it will help to have it written out beforehand what you guys want to talk about/what needs to be talked about & some possible solutions. While I know it's hard for just one person to do it, sometimes that's just the way things are. And if you're all a fair distance away, it's not fair to expect you to be able to just drop everything & go.
Hope you guys get something figured out! {{{hugs Lori}}}
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.
"When I grow up, I want to be dirt." seen on a box through construction in Wyoming 2010 |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2011 : 08:52:17 AM
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Okay, So read my Topic on Tired of being the care giver! I was the only care giver for my Mom and Handicapped sister for 32 years. It was hard I gave up every thing my career and family time with my husband and children. I walked away from the situation about 2 and half months ago. And so glad I did . My anxiety attacks are dimenishing and slowly going away I am a much happier person. My friends and husband see such a difference in me they tll me. Of course all of my brothers and sisters are mad at me and say they are never going to talk to me again. Hooray!!! But guess what my sister that moved away to Alabama has stepped up to the plate and is helping out with them now. i heard she was in town staying with her for the week. My sister that drinks alot is slowing down now on her drinking because she has to be on call now. And instead of the once a year visit my Mom use to get from my brother is now once a week. So my plan worked. So I guess what I am saying is I hope your sister does not get burned out like I did and walk away. I do not think you guys should pay your sister but I do think your Mom should. If it was'nt for your sister your Mom would have to pay for care and transportation. When fuel went up I ask my Mom for some transportation money and my family had a fit about it. I do not regret my decision at all now. I am so happy now. I feel like I just started the life I wanted 32 yrs. ago now at the age of 50.
Good Luck to you all. Don't put all the burden on your sister. It is not fair.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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traildancer
True Blue Farmgirl
485 Posts
Loyce
Glide
OR
USA
485 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2011 : 09:28:22 AM
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I think your sister should be doing this in recognition of all the driving around your mother did when all of you children were young.
With fuel prices so high, perhaps money for that would be a compromise.
From what you wrote, the sister is voluntarily giving up her shift if she is unable to trade. That is her choice and it is not incumbent upon the other siblings to make up something she has chosen to do.
The trail is the thing.... Louis L'Amour |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2011 : 11:08:37 AM
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My Mom never drove. Never had a drivers license. She always had to depend on some one to drive her. Lori, Did your Mom drive when you guys were young? Alot of stay at home women did not drive during those years back in the day. Things have changed so much. I think alot of women have to work now because the price of everything has gone up so much. My mother in law is 84. Me and my SIS was just talking about that the other week. About how our mothers do not understand why us women have to work now. They had it so much easier back in the day if you ask me. You guys may have to get more assertive with your mom and come up with a plan. Like tell her, No Mom I have to work that day but here these are my days off I can take you to the doctor this day. If your Mom is getting where she has to go to the doctor alot and being cared for. You can look for assisstant. Like we have a theripist and nurse coming in once a week to check on her. There are some businesses out there now that either all of you can pitch in to pay for or if your mom is financially able she can pay for. They are like a taxi service for the elderly and they take them back and forth to doctors appointments. Check with the council on aging. That's what it is called here. Ask her doctor she can help set you up. Also Medicare pays for alot of that stuff.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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Merry
True Blue Farmgirl
765 Posts
Merry
Ankeny
Iowa
USA
765 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2011 : 11:16:48 AM
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Can your sister afford to give up her shift? Not many people can, and since she lives the closest, perhaps she feels its the only option and it seems that all of you are depending on her to take care of this. Depending on where your mother lives, there are certain types of medical transports available, that would cost as much or maybe less than your sister's shift, and if its possible, it should come out of your mom's money, or everyone should chip in. I was in your sister's shoes, and taking on the care of my mother nearly bankrupt us, and seriously, could any of you realistically give up nearly a day's worth of wages everytime your mom had an appointment? What if your mom had several doctors all with appts on different days? Perhaps your sister's anger at the situation is frustration more than the perceived appearance of an ungrateful daughter. No one likes to be taken for granted, and no child should foot the bill for parental care when there are other siblings.
Merry
Farmgirl #536
http://afarminmyheart.blogspot.com/
Your life is an occasion, rise to it. Mr. Magorium |
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Canadian farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Lori
Ontario
Canada
482 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2011 : 06:28:51 AM
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Thank you, all, who have shared some insight into this situation.
Mom has never driven, relied on others all her life for rides. You are right on, she never had to work outside of the home, so has no concept of what we are all facing in this generation. And yes, J is voluntarily giving up her shift, no one is forcing her. She does not drive, either, so they take a taxi for appointments. She is frustrated, yes, and we are looking into alternative options for Mom, as this can't continue.
I called Mom Thursday night and had a big talk with her. I filled her in on my medical situation, so she knows about that now, but I kept it kind of a moderate version, she doesn't have to be burdened with all the possibilities on that tumor right now. I did not tell her what J had asked us this week about paying her wages for Friday, not wanting Mom to feel like she's the source of friction right now, but I did give her a clear understanding that J cannot afford to miss work right now. Mom knows my day off is always Monday, and I asked her to please, if at all possible, schedule appointments for Mondays. She has an upcoming appointment on Oct. 12, a Wednesday, which I know I cannot work out.
I have looked into options for getting her to appointments, and there is a company out there called Seniors for Seniors, that will have someone take you to your appointment, stay with you, and get you back home. Yes, it does cost, but it would not be as much as J was asking us. I talked to my brother last night, too. He is in agreement that we cannot start paying her for her shift, but Mom needs to help out here, too, and may have to use alternate options other than us kids, if we can't work it out. She's very stubborn, and hates mixing with new people.
One thing I know, I always had a good relationship with J, and I don't want to see this change. K phoned her the night of the email, and apparently she's furious with both of us, that we have turned her down. I'm going to see Mom on Sunday.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2011 : 06:36:04 AM
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It's amazing how offense can tear the fabric of a family apart. If all of you together spoke with your mom she just might get the message that this could damage the family irreparably. No mother wants to see her children at odds with each other. Apparently none of you can afford to lose time at work and she should be told that. Get whatever help that you can is my advise and do it together so that your sister knows that you understand her predicament and are trying to help in any way you can but money is not a way that is available to you.
CMF |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2011 : 06:50:04 AM
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I realize you've already talked with mom (now that i'm finally reading this). We've dealt with this both on dad's side and mom's side of the family and therefore my thoughts are this: If Mom refuses nursing home care, she's got to be willing to do her part to make that NOT happen. If that means she has to pay for someone to take her to appointments, so be it. (I see you've checked into Seniors for Seniors.)
I know it can be very frustrating to be the one who is ALWAYS caring for mom (not personally, but I've watched it in family members a generation ahead of me) and I've also seen what that can do to siblings who are all dealing with their own lives and complications and now there is caring for a parent thrown into the mix. Like Cherime said, its amazing how situations like this can damage a family irreparably. It's a tough situation to be in, but in our family, it was one of those things where the kids had to be come the parent, and the mom became the kid, and the kids were telling Mom "If you don't want to go into a nursing home, but you still need care, THESE are your options..." and made a plan that was going to work for everyone involved. Just my two cents with the things I've seen in similar situations here. :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
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Canadian farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Lori
Ontario
Canada
482 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2011 : 07:45:56 AM
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Yes, Mom gets meals on wheels three days a week, plus the PSW care three days a week. Community Care does have a driver service, but I don't know if they stay with them at the appointment. She needs to call and find this out. The local seniors group also offers rides for a nominal cost, but Mom refuses to join them, saying she doesn't need to sit around with a bunch of old people (her words)! So sad, Dad was very active with this seniors group, and he tried and tried to get Mom to come out to activities, but she refused to participate. You just can't force people to socialize, so frustrating, because she would probably have a much bigger network of friends if she would only have gone to these social activities with him.
Lori
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Oct 01 2011 : 1:30:34 PM
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Wow Lori, Your Mom sounds exactly like my Mom. Except with out the Disabled sister mixed into it. My Mom is so stubborn. Its her way or no way. I will pray for you and your family hoping you make it through this trying time! My Mom was so mad when I got her and my sister meals on wheels. She would not eat the food . She would just throw it in the garbage! So sad. No appreciation. So I gave up!
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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Patsy
True Blue Farmgirl
592 Posts
Illinois
USA
592 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2011 : 08:46:45 AM
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When my mother aged, I was the ONLY one to help take care of my mother. My sister, who lived 180 miles away, came to visit maybe once or twice a year and never helped in any way with her. But when mom passed, she was able to come down three weekends in a row to get bank cd's, stock and furniture that was left to her. Bitter? Yep I am. Not fair for one child to bear this burden. I would never expected to be paid, and yes I worked full time, but I did expect some help now and then.
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2011 : 2:59:59 PM
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My half sister did not want to work and wanted work for the "Lord" only. She took Mother over and lived on the social security money that Mom had from being married to my Dad. My sister was willing to help but the excuse from my half sister was that my sister wasn't a Christian. I was up here in AK and living from paycheck to paycheck with three kids and a drunk husband. Neither my sister or myself wanted her to take over but, she did. They lived in poverty in San Diego. Godly poverty and my sister and I sent money, my sister monthly and me as often as I could do so. Now my half sister wants money from us which we dutifully send but when I wanted to visit her and got a ticket from AK to San Diego, she refused to see me as we had nothing in common, nothing but the money that I can sent her.
CMF |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2011 : 10:34:13 PM
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Oh Lori, this can be such a difficult situation. Please know that I will keep you and your Mom and sibs in my prayers.
11 yrs ago my DH and I had just moved to my beloved Florida when my moms cancer reoccured. I quit my job that day and went home to take care of my Mom. I'm a nurse so I found a job pretty quickly. I was there 4 months (my DH stayed in FL.)and don't regret a single day I had with my Mom. We were not close ever until that last 4 months.
A year ago my DH and I were traveling the country and living a life we always wanted when my Dad was diagnosed with Dementia. He is a brittle diabetic and has heart problems. I thought I'd be here 3 weeks to get him into an ALF and put his house on the market. Instead I wound up quitting my wonderful job and deciding to stay here in FL. while he still needs me. He is so sick now-in and out of the hospital, multiple doctors appointments, etc. I (and my DH) handle EVERYTHING here. I take time off from work (I don't get paid when I am off either.) to get him to his various appointments. I deal with his money, shopping, hemming his new pants, taking him out to eat (that is really all he lives for,), answering his mail, fixing his TV multiple times, etc. etc. It is endless and no matter what I do it isn't enough. I am anxious often. Bless his heart, he is never grateful. I chalk it up to the dementia but it gets old fast to do so much and see no appreciation.I was never really close to my parents but I am here because I feel called by the Lord to be here. Here's the best part--my dear brother lives in Maine. We were NEVER close but he was/is very close to my parents. He calls my Dad every day. He came for a week recently to visit. Now, this past year, we have gotten so close trying to "parent" my Dad. I hurt for him. I hurt that I, who was never close to my Dad, am here to see my Dad almost every day and HE, who was so close to my parents, is so far away. As the dementia gets worse my Dad will stop talking on the phone and my brother will lose his father, while I am still here. It is so sad to me. BUT the gift of being closer to my brother is such a blessing to me. (and my Mother would be so pleased.)
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It is hard. It is hard for the sister who always has to take Mom to the doctor or whereever. It is hard for your Mom who is losing her independence. It is hard for the siblings who are too far away. I agree that appointments are often made weeks/months in advance. Maybe each of you could pick a doctor and arrange her appointments for that doctor for a day that is convenient for you. Sounds like you do need a family meeting. To deal with all of this with a tumor too is so much. Please know that I am sending you hugs and thoughts of peace. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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Canadian farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
482 Posts
Lori
Ontario
Canada
482 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2011 : 09:44:34 AM
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Yes, this being the "sandwich" generation is sooo hard. You're still working, dealing with things with your own children, then you have to try to juggle parents on top of that, and hold down your job in a fragile economy. And try to find the money to meet all these extra obligations!
We are not trying to pass off our turn to help, it's just the way it's working out right now, that one has taken time off when she should have been up front with Mom. Sister J now knows that, I've presented alternate arrangements when we can't make appointments work, and she's going to have to stand her ground with Mom and not give up shifts. Mom is definitely in another world when it comes to understanding how much things cost, especially when it comes to running a vehicle, or the value of a person's worth. She just about fainted when I told her the rate for Seniors for Seniors drivers, $21/hr, minimum 2 hours.
I know that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle...I'm trying to bear all this with a smile. It's hard on a marriage, too.
Farmgirl Sister #183 |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2011 : 02:22:14 AM
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WOW 21 dollars a hour does sound absorbent!
Does she HAVE to have some one there every dr appt? I know it's best so that she has a advocate and second listening ear. But, does she have a friend or such who could go with her? The places I have lived have what is called access a ride, it's a bus that medicare pays for. Sometimes there is a 2 dollar co-pay. You make a appt with them and they pick you up and drop you off at your drs appts. You can bring one helper with you at no extra charge.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2011 : 08:01:49 AM
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Even here in Alaska we have a small bus service that takes seniors to appointments for $.60 a ride. That is excessive.
CMF |
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Family Matters: Sister wants to be paid to take Mom to doctor |
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Sister wants to be paid to take Mom to doctor
