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Parenting & Farm Kids:  boss/servant brothers?  |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 12:43:22 PM
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My boys are seven and eight years old. My husband and I have seen a disturbing trend the last few months that we aren't sure how to fix or if we can fix.
My youngest (7) has decided he's his older (8) brother's servant. We are not talking being "helpful", we are talking wanting to do everything for him. Cleaning the room they share, cleaning up the dishes, getting him food, etc. The older brother does nothing in return, and in fact, I'd say isn't very thankful for the things that are done for him. He doesn't necessarily ask for these things to be done for him, its more of a weird passive aggressive thing. For instance last night when I was putting them both to bed, my oldest asked for a book that wasn't in the room so he could read it. I said he'd have to get it himself if he wanted to read it, I wasn't running around to look for it. My youngest immediately disappears from bed and returns having found the book for his older brother, who just smiled. I asked my youngest "Why did you do that? He can get his own stuff?" My youngest replied "Because he's my older brother." I was so frustrated, I said "What does he do for you in return?" My youngest said "Nothing, he doesn't have to." My oldest just sat in his bed and smiled. So while I'm going to lecture my youngest for running to get this book, I'm thinking "Why am I yelling at him? What did he do wrong? And who I'm really mad at is my oldest because he's got this weird thing going on with his brother where he doesn't have to do anything for himself...but how do I yell at him when he's not even outright asking him to do these things?"
This is a constant problem and we're starting to wonder what to do about it. The bigger picture is what if our youngest is a total follower and wants to please everyone and it ends up being the wrong people? My husband and I are tired of watching this weird stuff go on. My youngest cleans the room every night, my oldest does nothing. When I send the oldest in to clean the room, my youngest gets mad. Then I'm yelling at two kids - one for not cleaning...and one for cleaning too much and being mad at me! Does that even make any sense?
We've always stressed to the kids that its important to be helpful, but this thing is just weird. And its been going on long enough that we're starting to get concerned. Does anyone farther removed from the situation have any comments or suggestions? You know...the obvious ones that we haven't tried yet that I will smack myself upside the head for not thinking of myself? 
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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oldbittyhen
True Blue Farmgirl
1511 Posts
tina
quartz hill
ca
USA
1511 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 1:51:14 PM
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I would say if they were older, the older boy had something on the younger, and is holding it over his head, but, I think they are a little young for that scenerio...is there an Aunt/uncle/cousin or someone the older or younger boy is really close to, if so, maybe they can find out whats going on...good luck
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 3:57:41 PM
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I agree a little with Tina. Could be a possibility. If I were in your shoes, I would thank the 7 year old for being so helpful but it is also hurtful to help people too much. They don't learn how to do for themselves. There are some boundaries that need to be set up. Such as cleaning the room every other night, dishes, other chores. When it's time for the Older to clean, make sure the Younger is not available to help. In fact the Older can be punished for having the younger help and do more than his fair share, when Older knows he should be doing it himself. While you don't want to squelch the Younger's urge to help others, there has to be a balance of fair work. Can Younger's helpful nature be redirected to help an elderly neighbor or volunteer time at a pet shelter, library, etc.?
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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marthajane
True Blue Farmgirl
196 Posts
Anna
Orlando
FL
USA
196 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2011 : 06:46:06 AM
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Dear Mom, Id say if this is disturbing you, obviously much, and I would be concerned too...You and your husband in my opinion should get those two boys alone one on one with yourselves. Make some kind of a plan to spend several hours with each one on your own with just them. I think they want to get attention from you, baffling you with this behavior is a very clever way to get attention. There might be something going on at school, outside your home that you want to know about. If I were in the situation, I would make an outing where you can each be alone with the boys seperately and in an environment where they can feel free to express theirselves, Ill bet the situation will reveal itself through maybe 4 sessions...one with you with the older, and one with you and the younger, one with your husband and the older, and one with your husband and the younger. There is obviously something going on that the adults dont understand and I think this would be the best way of finding out. Then you and hubby can compare notes and discuss strategy. Best wishes. Prayer also helps to find answers for children...
Happiness IS being a MoM |
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marthajane
True Blue Farmgirl
196 Posts
Anna
Orlando
FL
USA
196 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2011 : 06:47:45 AM
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Dear Mom, Id say if this is disturbing you, obviously much, and I would be concerned too...You and your husband in my opinion should get those two boys alone one on one with yourselves. Make some kind of a plan to spend several hours with each one on your own with just them. I think they want to get attention from you, baffling you with this behavior is a very clever way to get attention. There might be something going on at school, outside your home that you want to know about. If I were in the situation, I would make an outing where you can each be alone with the boys seperately and in an environment where they can feel free to express theirselves, Ill bet the situation will reveal itself through maybe 4 sessions...one with you with the older, and one with you and the younger, one with your husband and the older, and one with your husband and the younger. There is obviously something going on that the adults dont understand and I think this would be the best way of finding out. Then you and hubby can compare notes and discuss strategy. Best wishes. Prayer also helps to find answers for children...
Happiness IS being a MoM |
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Parenting & Farm Kids: boss/servant brothers? |
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boss/servant brothers?
