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Family Matters:  I'm not sure what happened or what to do about it  |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 13 2011 : 7:29:37 PM
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I've really debated about bringing this up, but something is really bothering me, so I thought I would post about it and see what everyone thinks. Here goes:
I have family members who work in education, so I usually don't get to see them or their kids much during the school year because of their work schedules. So, for the last several years, since our kids are close in age, we've gotten together in the summers a lot - sometimes even twice a week. I look forward to these times and so do my daughters. This year I started trying to arrange outings and playdates with these family members the first week everyone was off from school...only, oddly, they seemed completely disinterested. I thought they were just busy and kept on trying - all Summer long and never had any success. Not one playdate or group outing in three months.
I was really bummed that it turned out that way, then I found out something that hurt and shocked me. Apparently, they have been getting together with each other and their kids this Summer and just not including my girls and me. I'm really confused, because I don't know what I could have done to make them just exclude us like that and I can't decide if I should confront them about it.
What do you gals think?
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 03:46:03 AM
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Family stuff is hard. :( I certainly think it is odd they excluded you and your gals, especially when its normal for you to get together in the summer, and especially when you tried to put together playdates with no interest from them. It almost seems, from what you've said, that they went behind your back and arranged their own get togethers and didn't bother to invite you. I'm not sure if you should confront them or not. How close of family members are they? Is this a sister? A cousin? Do they live close to you? Do you have any idea why they might have excluded you? You said they work in education - do you think they caught wind of your interest in homeschooling and are offended? Its hard to know what is going on without asking them, so I guess confronting them about it would give you some answers that way. How did you find out they were getting together without you? Was that information from them or another family member? Just wondering if someone *else* might have an idea about what's going on if you don't want to directly confront the family members who excluded you...
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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embchicken
True Blue Farmgirl
1487 Posts
Elaine
Ocean
NJ
USA
1487 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 04:56:28 AM
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Suzanne~ What a sticky situation. I think all of the questions Amy brought up are good ones to think through before you do anything. Ifthere is someone else who might have some information I would go to them first. I can only imagine how hurtful this must be for you. Before you approach them you might give yourself time for the hurt to get to the point where you can talk to them without the hurt coming through. I don't blame you for wanting to know. If it is because they heard you talking about homeschooling and they are offended, well they are fools. I am an educator and feel that if someone chooses homeschooling it is their right. Just like if someone chooses not to send their children to pubic school but to private school - it is a parent's right to choose. I hope whatever their answer is that it is resolved so that you have peace of mind.
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
http://embchicken.blogspot.com
http://gusandtrudy.blogspot.com
http://embchicken-thechubbychicken.blogspot.com |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 09:23:44 AM
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For the sake of being discreet, I won't go into too many specifics on these family members, but I will say I sadly have no siblings (so they are not sisters) and I am related to them by marriage, not blood. However, I believe I have always treated them like family and seen them as friends, also. Traditionally we've spent lots of Summer time together with our kids, so I was really baffled about what happened this year. I found out that even though they didn't seem able or interested in getting together with us that they were spending time with each other and their kids by some family members who innocently mentioned it and asked why we hadn't been with them.
It's not as if I think we need to be invited to everything, but I was hurt (and a bit confused) that they had found time to do these things we all used to do together with just each other, but never tried to include us. I also have to say it was really odd that every outing or playdate I suggested was turned down - for three months.
I have to say, Amy, the thought has crossed my mind about them doing this because of my vocal serious interest in homeschooling recently, I'm just hoping that is not the case.
Elaine - you are right - I need to get over the hurt feelings, first, before I can really decide if I want to bring this up with them.
If it's a prejudice about the homeschooling that has caused them to "shut us out," then I don't know what to do or think about that!
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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Dorinda
True Blue Farmgirl
1023 Posts
Dorinda
St. Cloud
Florida
USA
1023 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 10:37:07 AM
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Suzanne, Family members can make things so complicated at times. I am really over my family lately and have just about washed all of them out of my life. So much drama is brought into your life by family members some times it is not good for your health. One drama after the other with my family. So any ways you have to just learn to live with it and confront them. Or just don't let it get to you. I am guessing from the message that you home school your children. If they are teachers this is probably some of it. And if they are sisters they have this special bond between them that you will never be able to come in between. I have 2 SIL's that never invite me either to do any thing with them. I am actually glad because we are so different and they create a lot of Drama. I do not want any part of. I get along better with my friends than I do my family members. I have alot of friends. We get together every Monday for lunch and an outing. We do other things together also like movies ect. I think my family is very jealous over that. Anyways don't let it get to you or worry you. Do you have friends you can go visit and get together with?
Good luck on your decision.
Seize The Day!
Dorinda |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 12:19:57 PM
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I have noticed you have four children, how many do your "family" have? Many times, we have found small families do NOT like to be around larger families for their own reasons. Many are not as tolerant to a lot of children then others, even though you did say they are educators. I just know that my parents once they crossed the four children line barely was included or invited to anything any more. Mostly people just get invited here, no one really invites them to anything any more.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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rksmith
True Blue Farmgirl
858 Posts
Rachel
Clayton
GA
USA
858 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 12:53:38 PM
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I would say first thing to remember is that "family" is not necessarily blood or marriage relatives. I have more people who I consider "family" that are not related to me in any way than I do blood/marriage relatives. So keep in mind that what I say is coming from someone who dislikes the majority of her relatives and has very little to do with them because I can't stand to be around them (and the feeling is very much mutual). I would ask them directly what their problem is and why it is such a problem for them. If they can't give you a really good reason, or they hemhaw around, or come up with something utterly stupid and ridiculous that you know is not true (like, oh we forgot or we were busy or some junk like that) I'd just leave it at that, suck it up and move on. It will take time to get over being hurt, but you will. It will take time to find people that you do connect with, who are accepting of your lifestyle and decisions and you of theirs but you will and you will move on towards better and happier relationships with other people who may just very well become your family.
Rachel
Farmgirl Sister #2753
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni
http://madame1313.wordpress.com/ |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
2027 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
2027 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 4:07:26 PM
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Suzanne, regarding the homeschooling being a possible reason for things getting strange, I hope its not the reason either, but it happened to us with one family. We have educators in our family and some of them were much like Elaine posted, and viewed it as our right (and actually told us they thought it was a really good choice for our "situation".) However another educator pair in our family took it as almost a personal attack on their profession that we would choose to NOT send our kids to public school. So that's the only reason I threw that out there as a suggestion. I sure hope its not the case!!
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 4:59:46 PM
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Don't feel bad for bringing that possibility up - it was a fear I had in the back of my mind. I recently had the courage to tell two close friends of mine about our intention to start homeschooling in Fall of 2012. One friend is a college professor and another has a doctorate degree and is a curator at a museum in D.C. I thought for sure they would disapprove (because of home much "formal" education each has had), but they totally delighted me by being supportive, positive and wanting to hear more about it. It was such a relief! I haven't had the gumption to tell our family about our plans - although they've known of our interest in it for some time, and I can't say they've been altogether encouraging. I do wonder if that's why we suddenly got "shut out" and I have to say it saddens me. It doesn't change my mind, though.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
Edited by - LuckyMommyof5 on Aug 14 2011 5:02:35 PM |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
1085 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 8:28:22 PM
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Well I think that just sucks, Suzanne. I'm sorry your kids didn't get to see their friends. Sad when they have to pay the price. I hope you don't feel hurt for too long.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://naturaljulie.etsy.com
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 7:51:10 PM
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So true Farm Dream. I will never forget when I was around 4th or 5th grade, my step father (who had been my step father since I was 6 months old so pretty much I don't remember him not being my step father) and his brother (who was married to my mom's best friend since kindergarten and they even named their first dd after my mom), had a tift, I will never forget us kids had been upstairs playing and went down I think for something in the kitchen, and I just heard briefly one of them say, well we have to work this out for the kids, they have been friends their whole lives, we can't take them away from each other. As young as I was that really impressed me. Now as a adult when I get aggravated at another family member I always remember that. And yes they worked things out and us kids didn't miss a beat being together like we always had.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
Edited by - MagnoliaWhisper on Aug 15 2011 7:51:33 PM |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 9:39:47 PM
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Heather - It's great that they were all able to act like adults and work things out. It would have been a shame after such a long friendship and all the family ties if they had not been able to.
If my family members told me what the issue was, I would at least try to talk to them about it.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 10:27:11 PM
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Exactly Suzanne, that's what is so frustrating about situations like you are in, if they would only come to you and let you know you could probably work it out! It's so childish, like junior high. I hated how the "girls" in junior high were so fickle! But, now you're dealing with adults acting like they are still 12!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2011 : 4:44:59 PM
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I think you need to quit guessing what the problem is and just step up and call them and find out. !!! then you can decide to tell them or not that you want to work it out for the sake of the kids. So,please call them!!! don't let it fester on either side....
Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog....Charles F. Doran
beverley baggett
Beverley with an extra E...
https://sites.google.com/site/bevsdoggies/
http://bevsdoggies.blogspot.com/ |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Aug 17 2011 : 6:30:26 PM
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As an update, I'll tell everyone I decided to email them yesterday. I felt a little weird calling, so email seemed less confrontational. I also decided to focus on how disappointed we were not getting to spend time with them this Summer as we've done in the past and tell them how much we missed them. I thought it was heartfelt...but I haven't gotten any responses yet...
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2011 : 5:14:08 PM
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I think you did the right thing....this way, you didn't put them on the spot but you were able to let them know your feelings. Then you'll know your sentiments have been read and they will do with them what they will, but at least you got to say your piece and let them know how much you enjoy their company.
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MEWolf
True Blue Farmgirl
358 Posts
Margaret
Byers
Colorado
USA
358 Posts |
Posted - Aug 21 2011 : 07:51:33 AM
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Suzanne,
I was going to say, you should contact them directly and tell them how you are feeling. And you did. It is always best (although sometimes very hard) to speak directly to the person and tell them how you feel. I hope you get a response soon.
Margaret
“Kind hearts are the gardens, kind thoughts are the roots, kind words are the flowers, kind deeds are the fruits. Take care of your garden and keep out the weeds, fill it with sunshine, kind words and kind deeds.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1808-1882)
Farmgirl #3020
www.grey-wolf-farm.com |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
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LuckyMommyof5
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Suzanne
OH
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Aug 26 2011 : 9:38:22 PM
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Actually, I got an email from one of the two of them and she didn't address anything I had written to her about what happened (or didn't happen) over the summer - not one word. But she did say she "didn't have time for email." I think my kids and I definitely got shut out, but I think I'm done trying to guess why - if they want to be like this, then too bad. I'll hope they come around at some point, or talk to me about what's bothering them, but I'm not wasting any more energy on them right now.
Farmgirl Sister #3243
"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder |
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batznthebelfry
True Blue Farmgirl
1257 Posts
Michele
Athol
Ma
USA
1257 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2011 : 08:45:00 AM
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You know I really find this amazing if the problem is the educators in your family have a problem with you homeschooling...I was a teacher, high school art/social studies/GED....I quit teaching when the states started making testing the priority & disregarded anything that wasn't to be tested...now don't get me wrong testing is important but these new ideas that all children are taught to pass the test each year so the schools can get more funding ect blew my mind...what happened to teaching information that would benefit the child as they grew & became adults?....A teacher is given a book of what they can teach in some states & not allowed to go beyond that such as added material.....The 'No child left behind' was a good concept but got screwed up so bad along the way that these kids are not being given all that they can be given...so I decided enough was enough & retired at age 35....I have a neighbor who home teaches & I am always helping her with materials, ideas ect as she is doing what we teachers would love to do...yes her children still have to past a test at the end of the year but she is not bound to one book or rule & her children are benefiting from it....No matter what these family members feel, you have the right to teach them in this country, raise them as you see fit & if others disagree that is their choice...keep your head up honey no matter what the problem is...remember its your life to live as you see fit & if they disagree you will probably not change their views.......Michele'
Chickens rule!
The Old Batz Farm
Hen #2622 |
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Beverley
True Blue Farmgirl
2707 Posts
Beverley
atlanta
Michigan
USA
2707 Posts |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2011 : 09:09:48 AM
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I'm so sorry this is happening. Group dynamics can be so confusing! If it were me I would wait a few days and see if you get a response. If you don't or if the response feels evasive I would contact the one in the group that you have felt the most connection to. Sometimes when it is several against one it is hard for one of the several to be honest with the one if the others know there is communication going on. (group email) Be ready to commit to keeping the conversation private and explain your confusion and willingness to listen. See what happens.
Just remember that friendships come and go as a general rule. The ones that last years are are truly special. If there is something for you to learn about yourself that comes out of this, great! But it may just be about them and you may never understand. This is an opportunity for you to role model how to communicate in a relationship. Something they are lacking or it would not be playing out like this. Ask God to bless or block your words and leave the outcome to him.
Let us know how you are doing as this plays out!
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2011 : 12:28:05 PM
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So true Michelle, but sadly it seems like "new" teachers are being brain washed. You should hear the non sense my husband's cousin has been spouting to me. Of course she's like 20 and thinks she knows EVERY thing, goes on and on about how "mature" she is.....um...ok....no life experience what so ever. She has no idea how incredibly stupid some of the things she says are! She's going to school right now to be a teacher and incensed that we are going to home school. Like one thing she said a few weeks ago is she better hurry and get married so she can have kids, cause the best time to have kids is between 14 and 24, after 24 it's all over! lol I didn't even get married till I was 25, she said women who are over 24 get desperate....um.......I don't feel I was "desperate" at all! lol And I didn't have my first child till I was 30! lol haha I think I'm far from "over". lol
Connie she did hear back from one of the women.......sounds to me like the woman still doesn't want to be friends with her, saying that she doesn't have "time" for email. How rude!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Family Matters: I'm not sure what happened or what to do about it |
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I'm not sure what happened or what to do about it
