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Across the Fence:  Hello...  |
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LeighErica
True Blue Farmgirl
306 Posts
Erica
PA
USA
306 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 05:55:36 AM
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| Hello Farmgirl Sisters....just dropping by to let everyone know I am in PA and taking it one day at a time. I would like to thank all my dear sisters for your cards of sympathy and caring in the aftermath of my Mother's sudden passing. When I go to the mailbox and see all the mail from everyone, it makes me feel so blessed and loved. I cannot begin to tell you the pain of the last few weeks. As you know, we moved, bought a house (which was supposed to be a joyous moment) and then my husband deployed for another year, and then my Mother left me too. Her and I have been struggling with our relationship the last few years...with me actually not speaking to her for 3 yrs. After the passing of my dearest Aunt in the Spring I reached out to my Mom to mend the brokeness we had. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer during that time and there was no cure for her. Once I arrived in PA she got sick with pneumonia and was in the ICU for a week. She went home on a Sat...and the following day she fell and smashed her hip...so then she was back in the hospital for hip replacement surgery and on the operating table her heart stopped...so they revived her, but she was never the same after that. I spent that last week with her in ICU everyday...and relished every touch, every word and every moment I could soak up....it was a gift to be with her in that time. We talked like old times, and I thanked God for that time..because I needed her just as much as she needed me. She stopped eating 3 weeks prior though, and was not recovering enough to be put in a nursing home as I had hoped...I just wanted more time ...more time to talk, for her to be with Becky and for her and I to just be....but they moved her to hospice on a Friday and took her off the IV's and that Sat morning she left me...before I could even get to the hospital....I wanted to be with her to hold her hand as she moved on...but it was not meant to be. When she was born in 1933 her Mother gave her up and she lived her childhood in and out of homes...and I know that she was alone alot...and as an adult...she spent time alone as well...long periods of time due to relationship dysfunctions...and so, in this last moment of her life...I so badly didn't want her to be alone...I wanted her to feel me with her. I know she isn't suffering anymore, but I miss her so much...I feel like an orphan....I have so many regrets and things I wish I could do over. I have learned that in our relationships with family and friends..we may not always agree, we may not always see eye to eye, but I vow to be more patient, loving, understanding..and most of all forgiving....forgive because I am no where near perfect and should not judge others for the choices they make...no matter how I view them. She did the best she could with what she had...and I will be forever grateful to her for loving me, always...even during our years of no communication. So, thank you all for your support....it has seriously been a horrible road these last few weeks. I can't understand the full significance of this turmoil I have endured with everything, but I know it can't stay this way forever..right? My house is not set up or unpacked, everything has just come to a standstill....but, it has been a huge blessing being here with family and having them to lean on. So, I am still here...just not in the same measure I was before...thanks again...for everything...you don't know how much the cards have meant to me....Farmgirl Hugs, Erica |
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craftingram
True Blue Farmgirl
526 Posts
Karin
Nashville
In
USA
526 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 06:19:06 AM
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Oh Erica, I am so sorry for your loss and all the heartache you have endured. I can relate. I was never estranged from my mother, but for the last years of her life we weren't as close as we used to be. Like your mom, she fell and broke her hip. Though she "recovered" enough to go into rehab, she never really picked back up. I was able to spend time with her, but by that point she was having hearing and memory problems and a lot of the time didn't really know what was going on. She died December 26, 2009 and I am still regretting that I didn't get to tell her goodbye. You were with here and reassured her of your love and that means a lot. Take care of yourself, give yourself time to heal. You are in my prayers.
Karin
Faarmgirl #2708
Romans 8: 38,39 |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 07:17:44 AM
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well you hang in there. it is a long road saying good bye to those we love. what a good thing to be able to be with her through it. i am sad for your loss and send you hugs and love. sincerely sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 07:58:20 AM
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Erica it sounds as if you have had more then your share but I understand the loss of a parent and the time that is needed to heal from that. Just know that there will come a time when all you will be able to remember is the great times but be kind to yourself - times is needed. We are here for you and let us know how we can help - listening is the first step... Blessings, Love and Light.
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 08:37:17 AM
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I am so sorry to hear all you've been thru in a relatively short amount of time.... a book that may help you with all these life changes is "Crossing to Avalon" by Jean-Shineda Bolen. It helped me tons,I just wish I'd found it a few years earlier than I did.It really helped understanding how to navigate thru the events that were occuring in my life at that time. Like yourself- a personal loss and other traumatic events were occuring pretty close to each other. Things will lighten up,I promise.
http://www.mandolinbabe.net
http://www.fiddlebelle.com
http://www.gigulele-bag.net (Zibbet Store)
@MandolinChick on Twitter
mando pickin,uke strummin,dulcimer playin & fiddle sawin' Farmgirl #702 |
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Blessed in Colorado
True Blue Farmgirl
6650 Posts
Debbie L.
Oregon
USA
6650 Posts |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 1:23:37 PM
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Thank you for checking in with us Erica. I too am so sorry to hear of everything that has been thrown at you in the past month. Unfortunately, sometimes God throws things at us and we just have to do the best we can to catch them all with as much grace as possible. Only time will help with your healing process. Your mom is smiling down on you from Heaven, and will be there to help you through this difficult time. I too lost my dad to cancer recently. 2010 was not a good year for me either- I lost my beloved grandfather to cancer in January, my dad was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in April and battled it for 4 months, passing in August. There are days when I cry just at the tought of losing them both, but I also see the "positive" that I have gained from having gone through the battles of cancer with them. I have been given the gift of "perspective" and realizing what really matters in life. I've truly learned the meaning of the saying that "tomorrow isnt promised to anyone" and I have learned to take a step back and appreciate today. I know right now it may seem impossible to you, but you will grow from this experience and will always have the memories of your mom in your heart.
Blessing to you!
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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n/a
deleted
136 Posts
donna
honesdale
pa
136 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 7:55:28 PM
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So sad to hear of your loss. I recently lost my dear Gramma (whom I had been caring for for man years) and we had an estranged relationship for a time as well. A los is never easy, but one accompanied by painful discussions or memories well, it is just all the more harder :0(!
You had said: "I have so many regrets and things I wish I could do over" and I was reminded of a saying I heard a few years ago and still try to aply daily..."No regrets, just lessons learned". You have sad feelings of loss yet it is so important to forgive yourself when it comes to mistakes...especially when you acknowledge them so freely as your post exemplifies! Hang in there, little by little you will pull through and be able to focus on the good times you initiated with her...
Just a Brooklyn, NY gal trying to figure out this country thing after 12+ years in the woods of NE PA! Wife of my HS sweetie going on 23 years and mom to the amazing four ages 19(g), 17(s), 14(s), 13(s)!
Donna
Sister # 3062
http://restingunderthepinetree.blogspot.com/ |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jul 03 2011 : 9:55:54 PM
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Oh Erica, my friend,
I had no idea. My heart is so saddened at the loss of your mother. I lost my mother 11 years ago. We were also estranged for so long. Her cancer healed our relationship. I quit my job to go home to care for her the last 4 months and I'm so glad I did. We talked and talked. I was with her when she passed but Erica, when I was a hospice nurse, so many times the person passes when the family isn't there, because the person dying just can't go with that familly member there. For example, after her grandchildren sat at her bedside for a week they went to the mall so my daughter could get a dress for the funeral. My mom died 20 mins. after they left. So typical.
I'm so glad you gat to PA when you did. I am so, so sorry about your Mom. I am so sorry you are hurting. My heart is sad for you. You have certainly had a full plate this past month or two. Please send me your new address and know that you are deep in my heart and I'm saying prayers for comfort. Big Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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gypsy goat
True Blue Farmgirl
673 Posts
mary jo
michigan
673 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 06:48:20 AM
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just wanted to say i am thinking of you-sorry for your loss and pain. sending you a farmgirl hug((hug)) i hope you will find comfort and peace as the days pass
farmgirl#1362 whatever you are be a good one-abe lincoln |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2011 : 4:01:27 PM
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I wish there was more I could do than to just yell you how sorry I am for your loss. After reading this post, my heart just broke for you. I will ne praying for you, and please know were are all here for you, and pulling for life to level out, and things to go easier for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you tons of (((hugs)))
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 07 2011 : 3:17:11 PM
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Erica:
I am so sorry for your loss. Your story just about brought me to tears. I, too, will be praying for you. Stay positive, things will and do get better. Take care.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2011 : 12:29:37 AM
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Erica,
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did some healing with your Mom in the end. She is at peace with the Lord. I am so glad that you are with family right now. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and so is your DH. Thank him for his service for me. You keep your chin up my farmgirl friend.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I ask not for a larger garden, but for finer seeds.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jul 08 2011 : 06:06:18 AM
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Erica,
I am so sorry for your loss and I am so happy for the time you described having before you loss your mom. I hope you can see that through your pain you become stronger and a better woman. I am so sorry that it is always so difficult, though.
with warm thoughts for you and your family
Mariannne |
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Across the Fence: Hello... |
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Hello...
