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Family Matters:  Guilt trips! Grr.  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - May 03 2011 : 11:45:50 AM
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My mother in law has been good to me, but she is incredibly self absorbed, even moreso now that she has been retired for 3 years--it's like she's forgotten what it was like to work AND take care of children and a household. She refuses to drive a car ("afraid") and we all have to "come to her" when she wants to see us.
Both my husband and I work full time: he works at night, I work in the daytime. Because Thursday night is my grocery shopping night, I pick the baby up from the sitter and then go directly to the store and try to run 10 kinds of errands, so that I can spend quality time with my family on the weekend. I got home about 10:30, still in my heels and work clothes, put the wee one to bed and then went to bed myself a bit later after eating a bowl of cereal. At some point on Thursday evening, my father in law called and left a message on the answering machine that my mil had been admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection(?), but I didn't see/hear the message. True to my nature, I did NOT even care about the telephone, because, well, I talk on it all day at the office and it's just not that important to me.
I worked Friday, spent all day Saturday stripping a wood table and then running more errands at night and then Sunday, caught up with house work--and didn't even think about the phone.
My husband called his mother last night (Monday) to simply check in, and he got an earful about how "awful" we were, how noone cared about her well being and that she couldn't believe noone had called her to see if she was "alive or dead". I commend him for how he handled it, because then she launched into all this baggage from his childhood, how "he was still trying to get back her after all these years..." and he simply said, "Mom, it was a misunderstanding. If it had been really important, why didn't Bob call back again?" But, it was all our fault, and we're inconsiderate. This isn't the first time she's laid stuff like this on her children--two Thanksgiving's ago, she and her daughter got into a 3 week long feud because my sil had the flu and bailed on making the sweet potatoes and my mil lost it, stating, "I don't think you know how much I sacrificed and do for you!"
This evening, after a long day at work, I have to fight traffic to her house to suffer some indignity, I suppose. I simply don't do well with guilt trips!!!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2011 : 12:06:17 PM
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Kill her with KINDNESS I love to do this.
Really keeps them guessing.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2011 : 12:08:34 PM
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Ha! You're probably right, Diana. I'm not mad at her, I just think it's all so silly. Have to steel myself on the drive up to be syrupy!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2011 : 1:18:55 PM
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I have a MIL that's the same way.
Sometimes it's hard to remember the last 2 words of that statement. Kill them with kindness. Sometimes the first 2 words seem more satisfying! LOL!
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2011 : 1:33:46 PM
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I've been killing my MIL with kindness for 32 years and it hasn't worked yet. My husband and I quit last year and I have to say not talking to her at all has made our home life very peaceful. Her loss not ours
Kathy |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - May 03 2011 : 1:46:36 PM
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Jonni, thta's great advice. I hope it works. I had a great MIL. I loved her so much and she could do no wrong. Hubby is the youngest of 9 and a true momma's boy. But she never made me feel bad at all. He just loved his momma. But he loves me too. She never came between us ever. And that woman taught me so much. I miss her alot. I hope you and you MIL can get past this and everything will be ok. Just have fun.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 06:32:26 AM
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Thanks, gals. There is a lot of bad water (somewhat under the bridge) between my husband and my mother in law, and I try to be the "glue" that holds him to his family because, honestly, otherwise, I don't think he'd make much effort. He loves his father and even his mother, but I think their divorce and subsequent abusive situations that followed, custody matters, my husband ultimately being sent to a boys home makes him keep his distance, and he and his mother have a strained relationship at times. He thinks she's high maintenance and self absorbed (and she is),and there is considerable favoritism towards his younger sister, her husband and children (which can get old), but I believe in letting folks be who they are until it adversely affects me or my little family unit. She's never done anything to me, personally, and I know she loves me, but there are times when I can see how my husband could get frustrated.
I simply let her talk it out and made sure that they had all my contact numbers (including my cell, which they already had but she didn't know that...)...I hope it's over, but if it isn't, we'll simply weather it like we always do, being the "different" folks 
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 09:13:34 AM
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bless you!
btdt and i have the t-shirt!
kudos to your hubby for how he handled it too!
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 09:15:45 AM
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LOL, Margo! And thanks...my husband has come a long way in how he deals with his mom and I'm grateful. I think he just sees her as a needy child. It will get better, and then it will be something else!!!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - FebruaryViolet on May 04 2011 09:16:38 AM |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 1:22:40 PM
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Jonnie I can relate so much. My MIL used to complain if we didn't come and take her every where she wanted to go.
My husband and her's relationship is rather strained too. He was left with his paternal grandparents from 3 months till 16 years old! Then they decided to become christian and started going etc, and decided they needed to take their "responsibility" themselves, the problem was, they thought at 16 they could just take him and treat him like he was 3 years old. Wanted respect, right away! Wanted him to follow a long list of rules right away. And when he was the least bit different then what they wanted him to be they were very abusive. He being a normal child wanted love and acceptance from his parents he barely seen till then, and thought the power and control they were trying to exercise over him was normal. When we got married and they continued to try to "control" him, and I use that very very literally. I have never seen parents try to control a child over 21 years old as they did. They would call literally hundreds of times a day to ask if he had done X they told him to. I mean things as little as his father would call in the morning and ask if he made sure to wear a undershirt under his work shirt before he left for work! This was a true phone call we got each morning! Can you imagine the number of daily phone calls we got about literally micromanaging his life, and if we didn't do any little thing they asked we would get harassment phone calls, the phone would ring off the wall about the same thing over and over and over. Until we "did" it. Even though we said we would not be doing that, cause as adults who lived on our own we could make the choice to do what we wanted in those respects-I mean my husband was over 21 years old if he didn't want to wear a undershirt under his work shirt that should be his choice ok! After a year, one day they called literally ever 2 minutes cause we were not going to do something they wanted us to do (I can't recall what it was now) but I just didnt' want to do it and it wasn't a matter that was any of their business! So I just sat down with my husband, and I knew his temperament-very nice and wanted to please his parents, wanted them to love him, etc (after all they abandoned him for 16 years!). I knew he wouldn't know the words to tell them to back off that would work. So I just told him exactly what he was say to them the next time he answered the phone. He was nervous but said it. There was a few times they tested it but I would just tell him what to say and he would. And it worked, until we had kids........then it all started over again! UHG! But, it's been crazy. Sadly for us it's been easier to just limit our association with them completely. Cause they really aren't living in reality at all.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 1:31:24 PM
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| As I age, one of my fears is becoming a needy/demanding mother/mother-in-law. I've got quite a few acquaintances/relatives that act exactly as Jonni describes. It seems as women age, deal with empty nest, deal with widowhood or divorcehood, retirement; that they get even more like this. I've told my children and their spouses to please say something if I start acting like that. Jonni - I think your mil needs to get a life - make friends, volunteer, find a hobby. If she lives her own life, she won't be demanding that you change your life to suit her needs. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 1:42:46 PM
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Susan, I think you hit the nail on the head--and how wise of you to see the future--I'm sure it is easy to become that way for women with nothing else to "manage" or take care of after the kids move on. Apparently, she's always been "different"...my husband tells a story about how she single handedly alienated herself from every neighbor (her age) within the first few years of moving into the house she still resides. She doesn't drive, she has been retired for 3 years and the only thing she does (and does quite well) is garden and decorate her home for the holiday. She talks with her daughter via telephone for an hour each and every day, has a glass of wine at 5:30 pm and watches CNN. She doesn't travel, she has no club to belong to, and she seems lonely to me, but then, I think she likes it that way. Her only friend (and yep, this will strike some as strange) is my step mother in law, the wife of her ex husband. After their divorce and subsequent remarriages, my sil became very ill and spent about 6 months in the hospital. My father in law couldn't really deal with her illness, so his then fiance would go to the hospital and sit with my mil. They became close, then--well, as close as my mil will allow anyone to be. That's her only friend.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - May 04 2011 : 6:45:20 PM
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wow at least she has her I guess.
I agree I think it's about having your own hobbies.
Personally I don't drive either, but I keep rather busy! lol There is plenty to do! If you live in the city and are elderly you can take the elderly bus thing too! I take a bus when need be etc. But, I do lots of hobbies and keep up with lots of things, where I don't need people to constantly pay attention to me. I also belong to a good congregation (religious) and some "clubs" like La Leche and such.
My grandmother and her sisters didn't drive the last few years of their life but kept so busy with their gardens and talking to each other etc they really didn't make their children's lives miserable either! However, on the other hand my fathers mother was a real pain, she alienated all friends as well and didn't have any hobbies, didn't drive didn't go any where, etc. My MIL is pretty much exactly like her! lol She has no friends-she is paranoid that all people are bad and out to get you! etc. Has no hobbies, not even gardening or decorating! Her home is not decorated at all. In fact........it's kind of shanty, my mom couldn't believe it when she seen it. It's very sparse with absolutely no decor. the first time she visited my husband and I's apartment she said I needed to take all my pics down immideately people who visited would see all the pics and know what my family looked like.....um the problem? Well they could tell other people and something could happen to you. I think I will risk it. I told her I would not be taking the pictures down. She called every day for weeks about me needing to take the pics down I never did! And still have pics up all over the house.....I don't understand the bare walls, and complete bareness she lives in. It just makes no sense to me.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 07:49:58 AM
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There is another part of this to think about. If a person starts to suffer from a mental illness like dementia or altheimers part of the symptoms on the list is paranoia and alienation from other people. Something to consider.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 07:52:43 AM
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Not to joke, because what you say, Ingrid, isn't something to take lightly, but if that's the case, then she's been suffering from dementia since she was 19 or so!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 08:03:55 AM
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Gotta tell ya she sounds depressed. Maybe she needs a visit to a doctor and maybe some meds. My husband was alot like this when we first got married (almost 17 yrs ago.) No friends, no hobbies, angry most of the time, needy etc. You know the picture. Finally I just couldn't stand it anymore. His negativity wore me out. Anyway, he went to the doctor and got on an antidepressant and got some anger management classes and now he is a totally different person. We do alot together but he also has hobbies that have nothing to do with me. He is friendly with the neighbors and is finally happy with me and himself.
For some women, all they know how to do is "mother" and when they can't micromanage your life any more they feel they have no life-the now grow kid is/was their life and they can't cope. It's like they have no other identity or life. My DD's MIL is just like that. She makes me nuts. She is a very sick woman and other than saying superficially "Hi" I avoid her. She plays favorites with the kids and is so mean to her son because he won't let her manage him anymore. Ugh! Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - May 05 2011 : 12:23:27 PM
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lol Same with my MIL and my Paternal Grandmother both would of had dementia from the time they were very young! lol My MIL isn't even 50 yet! My Paternal Grandmother died young at 65. But, had been living like a ancient old person since she was about 45, maybe less. When I was born she was about 39 and living with her parents, while her parents waited on her hand and foot. (my great grandparents) She would yell, and scream at them etc. Once when she was around 45 or so she and my great grandmother (her mother) got in a fight and she actually kicked my great grandmother (who had her at a elderly age so at the time was nearly 90 years old!) And it was terribly frightening to me as a child watching it. Great Grandma started bleeding cause of thin skin and it was a huge mess. Any way, yeah we later found out my paternal grandmother was bi-polar but she wouldn't take the meds. As for my MIL she probably is bi-polar as well, there is for sure some kind of mental problems going on with her.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - May 06 2011 : 5:04:41 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It's a mess and mental illness can be so hard to deal with. Hugging you and wishing you a happy day. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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alterationsbyemily
True Blue Farmgirl
697 Posts
Emily
Chambersburg
PA
USA
697 Posts |
Posted - May 11 2011 : 3:08:13 PM
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Goodness, it sounds like my family!
My mother would be the same way, why didn't you do this for me. She likes to put me on guilt trips about this or that, it's a pastime in her family I swear, but when I come she has me bring my machine and sit down and alter tons of her clothes, tablecloths, and anything that needs mending. When I ask her what do I get for doing all the work she says I owe her from my childhood. I roll my eyes and say, fine you can take everything to a tailor shop and spend $100 on the same exact thing. Next thing I know she takes my car and fills the gas tank for me to get home. One minute she is right wing and next its left. I gave up trying to figure it all out and don't even tell her half of my business.
I will put you on the short prayer list
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Farmgirl #2951
Currently renting-farmgirl wannabe |
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Family Matters: Guilt trips! Grr. |
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Guilt trips! Grr.
