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Across the Fence:  My ex-husband died and...  |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 4:54:46 PM
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it bothers me for some reason. I don't know why it should. I divorced him for adultery and he never paid child support till the last couple of years. He didn't support me, my mother did the heavy lifting in that respect. My daughter is 31, that's how long it took him to getting around to doing his duty.
He died almost 2 months ago and I called child support to find out why the money stopped. They told me.
Matter of fact, several people told me that he was taking me for a ride in relation to the marriage. Just a way to show his ex-wife that he could remarry. I don't believe, now, that he ever loved me either.
He was my first love and I was young and, to tell the truth, feel like he was the beginning of my life's downhill slide that only turned around after another marriage and finding my current hubby. That's how bad I felt about myself.
So...why does it bother me?? I'm pretty sure he never thought anything of me or my daughter in most of his years. He let us live in poverty and shame. See what I mean?? WHY should I care?? I hope I get over this pretty d*mn quick. It's creepy.
BTW, my hubby now knows I feel like this but he's able to slough things off easily and I have this lingering something.
Tell me to get a grip and get over it, will ya?? 
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3319 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3319 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 5:05:38 PM
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I have often wondered what I would do or feel when my ex-husband died. We were married very young and he too was my first love. Our marriage lasted for 12 years and we had three children together. I think I can empathize with you about your current feelings.
When you were first married to him there was the "promise" of a future life together. I don't think that will ever go away even though you have re-married. Both of you have shared a history and a child together that too will never change.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling right now.
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 5:18:48 PM
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Someone you had a child with has died. He must hold some importance for your daughter and you are a decent person. That seems like enough reason to have some funny downer feelings. Don't beat yourself up, you are just having a decent reaction to the passing of someone you once shared day to day life, that's a connection.
marianne |
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buffypuff
True Blue Farmgirl
1183 Posts
Claudia
Deer Park
WA
USA
1183 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 5:47:53 PM
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Hi Winona!
Melody has many good points regarding your former husband. I just want to add a few things. You had invested years in your marriage and him. Sounds like you lingered hoping things would work out even after the marriage was over. First loves often go deep to the soul. You invested time, love & everything you had. It is hard to just withdraw & give up. Emotions are given freely and then rejected by him. It takes a long time, but may I say that having gone through it 30 yrs ago, all I can is wish him well. I HAVE MOVED ON.
Now...he was an egocentric person who cared only for himself. Although he reaked distruction for you, he probably didn't give it a second thought.
And now for you. You can only give him as much power over you...living or dead...as you choose. You said that it was the beginning of your downfall. You are worth much more than the price he put on you. In fact if you are a Christina, you were bought with a price...very dear.
Hope that this may help a little bit. Blessings.
Buffypuff/ Claudia
Farmgirl & Sister #870
"Half of success is the assurance of support along the way." cr
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gentlewoman farmer
True Blue Farmgirl
66 Posts
Judy
Bakersfield
Ca
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 6:12:51 PM
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I think that it may be that now that he is dead, you know there is no way things can be made right. We would hope for an "I was wrong, I/m sorry" or something for you and your daughter. When we or our children are hurt and wronged, we think it would make us feel better and give us some feeling of validation that we were wronged and he acknowledes it. Especially for our children, we hurt for ourselves and mostly for our children. Now that chance is gone. We can find a new love, our children can not find a new birth dad. Hang in there, it will get better. as they say, it is what it is, live with it. I am very sorry you and your daughter has had to have this in your life, it effects so many parts of our life. I know, ithappened to me, we were left with no money, no job, no home, no family and my boys were 7 and 10. I can never forgive him for want he did to my boys.
Be good to yourself and be good to this earth.
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 6:24:58 PM
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Thank all of you for your thoughts, they helped greatly. You gals nailed it, each little part. That's what I love about this board, if you have a problem, someone is there to show the way. Thanks to all of you, I'll do my best to move on too. 
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
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chicken necker
True Blue Farmgirl
509 Posts
Sherry
Eastern Shore
Maryland
USA
509 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 8:27:33 PM
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Love never dies, it changes... You loved him once for a reason, that reason never changed. Your love made him a part of your soul, whether good, bad or ugly. Your soul lives on and he'll always have that part.
Thankfully, you are a wonderful woman. Women's hearts always expands to make room for more love and new loves.
FarmGirl Sister #123
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 03:47:09 AM
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If I ever received news about my X husband dying. I'd heave a HUGE sigh of relief!
He was a lying, 3 time wife abuser.
I knew it was over when I started to pray to God to get me out of the situation and for the guy to drive off the mountain again and die
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 11:23:06 AM
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Winona, I agree with the others....everything you're feeling is normal. And even though his impact on your life was not always good, he was still a part of your life. I hope this passes quickly for you.
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 7:16:31 PM
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An update: Now, I'm angry, angry, angry at the *(*#%$%). Of all things, I now wish I had another chance to tell him how sorry he was!! I did tell him years and years ago but somehow I wish I had another chance.
I'm pretty sure this must be sorta normal and once I'm over this, I'll be over it. Just never thought of him actually dying!! I wanted him to die plenty of times while we were married but now he is dead. Never could keep a job either.
I even dreamed of him the other night, stuff we did together! He was everything I thought a man should be but didn't even come close in real life. Believe this or not, he was in the contest to be the Marlboro Man and came in second. He looked just like Tom Selleck.
Hmmmm, maybe this is part of the grieving/denial/acceptance thing. I sure hope so. It's not affecting my driving or doing my job, just weird thoughts come and go and flashbacks of our lives together. Yuck, I have to get over this!!
Again, thanks for all the support and kind words, you gals are really helpful!! 
For some 'venting'-type of entertainment, please read my blog, http://lostadventuresintrucking.blogspot.com . Now with pictures!!
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harmonyfarm
True Blue Farmgirl
785 Posts
Debbie
Southeastern
Ohio
USA
785 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2011 : 8:04:10 PM
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Maybe you're just mourning the loss of "what-could-have-been".
Debbie
"If you can't find the time to do it right...how will you find the time to do it over" |
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prayin granny
True Blue Farmgirl
1874 Posts
Linda
Kansas
1874 Posts |
Posted - Jan 18 2011 : 07:17:18 AM
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Winona, Gosh you hit home for me, bit of different reasons. Me ex has returned to 2 of our kids lives now for the second time around. He is alive but didnt pay child support and due to his abuse, did not see the kids, my choice with strong encouragment from the family therapist at the time!! My kids also in their 30s now. 4 yrs ago with help of todays tech he tracked the kids down. Then when going got tough, he took himself out of the pic again. Now again after 4 years he is back as 'their friend', 'understanding' that he just cannot step in the strong father role this time. He never did see or try to contact them for over 20yrs. Half of the kids connect with him, other half choose not to. But, the anger and frustration, I feel at times? I understand what you mean. It is like going thru the divorces all over again!! I think time will work on our behalf and we will work it thru and get over it all. But, it is a frustrating go at the moment. I think too, as was said, a lot of regrets and hurt in life come from the dreams of what could have been, what we hoped and wanted life to be. That is what causes the hurt. Take care and hopefully this will ease for you soon!! Blessings, Linda
http://www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Country at Heart |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2011 : 5:07:41 PM
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Ya' know what, Winona, you're probably going through the stages of grief.... shock, denial, remorse, anger, etc.....
To be honest, I kinda chuckled when I read..... "An update: Now, I'm angry, angry, angry at the *(*#%$%)." I thought to myself, "Well, you go girl" It reminds me of that scene in Steel Magnolias where the mom is having a break down at the cemetary and changes emotions so quickly. It's just all so real and raw. Hang in there!
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Mar 15 2011 : 1:05:01 PM
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Sounds very normal to me. Oddly or ironically enough my ex-sister in law died 2 Saturdays ago. My brother and her had been seperated for 4 years! But, it still hit him hard. Even though he is with another woman now and even has a child with his new love. But, his ex and him had 5 children together. I myself was sad with her death and I didn't even like her! (I won't go into all the details but there is too many to count on why I disliked her, even though I did have pity for her at the same time). But, I was just sad for my nieces and nephews most! They will now grow up with out their mother at all. And I know they had hopes and dreams as any child of her being there for them (even if in reality she never was really there for them, nor with her mental problems could she ever be). But, still it was and is very very sad and I even cried about it. It's been a difficult time for our family, especially since her parents are not allowing her children to even come to her funeral. Even though my mother (her ex mother in law!) paid for every thing that her mother (who lives only 3 blocks from my nieces and nephews, yet hasn't made a effort to come and see them in over 11 years) called and asked money for, cause she couldn't afford to take care of her cremation etc! (yeah kind of a tip of the iceburg as to why my ex-sil had so many emotional/mental problems!). Any way sorry for taking over. It's just hitting close to home, and I think you are going through something perfectly normal for any one.
Even if you no longer really have deep love for him now, you once did or you wouldn't of married him and had a child with him. And if nothing else as was said you have a deep love for your daughter, and any parent, even the worst parent always holds a special place in most children't heart so it would be normal at the very least to feel sad for her alone.
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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birdie71
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Robin
Glendale
Arizona
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2011 : 09:04:22 AM
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Winona,
You ARE in a kind of mourning. I have been where you are. I was married to my ex husband for 7 years. He left me for another. We did not have children. The divorce was not complicated in that we didn't have children, house, or anything that would drag things out. We didn't speak for about 3 years and then we started talking again. I don't remember why but we became friends again. He had found out that he had colon cancer. About 3 years ago he passed away. It was a difficult time for me. I had all these feelings that had been dormant come rushing over. With wise counsel, I realized that this is normal. We were in love and shared many wonderful things at some point in our time together. I'm not sure I mourned those things when he left...to busy working through feelings of anger, bitterness, and then forgiveness! So when he passed away, I had a whole new set of feelings to deal with. When someone dies, everyone has their own level/type of mourning that they go through. You're normal. Just give yourself time to get through it. You'll be fine. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Robin
Farmgirl Sister #1301
Farming in the Sonoran Desert? Hmmm?!
my mama's (ceejay48) craftiness ~ www.cjscreations-ceejay.blogspot.com
my daddy's craftiness ~ www.aspenforge.com |
Edited by - birdie71 on Mar 16 2011 09:12:41 AM |
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Across the Fence: My ex-husband died and... |
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My ex-husband died and...
