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Family Matters:  Getting your kids to do chores...  |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 6:39:56 PM
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I am up here sulking because once again my DH took care of bagging the garbage while my son sat and watched TV. When I tried to tell my DH that my DS should be doing that he just laughed and continued to bag it.
I stormed into the living room and said that once again he was supposed to bag the garbage and was that understood-He just smirked and nodded.
How do I get my DH to get on board with the program so I don't have to be the big bad enforcer?
Oh... DS is 14 and does not do anything except unload the dishwasher and lately just this past week I added loading the wood box before he goes to school.
It just makes me so tired to have to tell him every single time to do his chores.
Any advice?
Melody
Farmgirl #525 |
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Jessi Lynn
True Blue Farmgirl
144 Posts
New York
USA
144 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 7:05:29 PM
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Well it doesn't seem like your son has too many responsiblities. Do you think your DH bagged the garabage because he knew it wouldn't get done or because he doesn't feel your son should have chores?
Raised voices never work the kids seem to have a defence mechanism built in where they just tune out. If my kid just smirked and nodded I'd have turned off the T.V. and I wouldn't have gone on the rest of the week especially if he's been refusing to do his chores.
What consequences are there for chores not completed?
Does he get an allowence? If he does, is completion of chores get included in the allowence agreement?
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 7:26:47 PM
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I don't know why DH steps in every single time....No the kids do not get an allowance, but if they want to go out to a movie, etc. the cash is always there courtesy of dear old dad.
It's just that I want them to take "responsibility" to know that in a home everyone does their part. DS is not learning that valuable lesson. I come out as the "you know what" for reminding them they have chores to complete. Why should I be the one to remind them over and over? And, frankly what's the point when they know that Dad will do it anyway? Ugghhh....I hate reacting in a negative way-and it happens every time. I am so fed up with the same scenario over and over again.
Melody
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2011 : 9:15:55 PM
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I have the same problem but on a different level. My DH tells me to relax and lets them get by with not doin their chores. He then doesn't want to do them and if they pile up too much he says it's too much for the kids to do. I end up havin to do it!
I finally started groundin the girls and the DH! I refuse to do whatever chore is let slide and it will pile up to the point of becomin a problem. When DH comes to complain I tell him either he does it because he let it go or we can have a blow out over it if he wants to gripe to me. I already told the girls to do it and he intervened. That makes it his responsibility!
I tell the girls everytime they ask to go somewhere or do something that they can't, they have to be home. I also won't let them sit around the house unless it's in their room. I even have gone to the basement and diconnected their satallite cable for their rooms from time to time. I tell them until they do their chores daily it won't be hooked back up. They get tired of just radios pretty quickly.
There are periodic spells of tension and arguin in our house, but I'm not the only one upset anymore. That seems to make the spells last much, much shorter than when I was the only one gettin upset. I know my method isn't for everyone, or even for hardly anyone, but it's the only thing I have found that works.
I have tried talkin to DH to ask for backup, which he always agrees to. Then the girls go to him for backup, which he always agees to. He can't tell anyone no. It's been a problem in our marriage for years, but I have found usin his disdain for conflict agianst that works pretty well. I don't always get results, or even the results I want all the time, but it gives me a bargianing chip, or a card to play if I need it. Sometimes it even gets him to stop and admit he was wrong and to back me up for a little bit, but not always.
I hope you can use this as something to think on and help get your brain headed in a direction that will work for you!
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Jessi Lynn
True Blue Farmgirl
144 Posts
New York
USA
144 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2011 : 3:55:43 PM
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Well since there's no allowence but 'Dear old Dad' always has a little extra in the wallet, how 'bout everyone sits down and writes down expectations and chores-like keeping good grades, make sure the trash is taken out, lending a hand when needed. . .whatever you guys come up with and then everyone signs an agreement that before money's handed out for a movie or whatever, that they have a discusion with the person handing over spending money and a they (parent and kid) decide if they're keeping up with the family expectations and the spending money's earned.
If they need a reminder they can go look at the list everyone agreed on (post it on the family memo board or the fridge, laminate and post it on the bathroom mirror. . . Post it where ever everyone can see it.) That way they're learning responsiblity and your not nagging. If chores arn't done and they're not keeping up with the expectations put whatever amt the kids would have got in a jar labeled: Parents Night Out. Put it where everyone can see it and keep total written on post it and use it to treat yourselves. |
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FieldsofThyme
Farmgirl Guide & Schoolmarm / Chapter Leader
4928 Posts
USA
4928 Posts |
Posted - Jan 15 2011 : 06:21:56 AM
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I'm not really one to give advice, as our family of 8 is difficult enough (one is a step daughter who does not live with us).
Anyway, we do not give allowance. I have instilled the motto "Work Before Play" for every day living. Yes, they try to get out of it, and yes I have to stay on track with them, but I do it. Once the work is done, I shut my mouth on what they choose to do. However, we do instill a 2 hour limit on electronics on the weekends. Most of the time they choose to read, play with their dogs, visit the horse rescue, one goes to work, etc.
We have a dish chart, and otherwise, each day explain the jobs that need done, and allow them to pick and choose (chicken coop, chicken water/feed, eggs, vacuum floors, clean one bathroom, dishes if any are leftover, sweep floors, clean rabbit cage, clean cat boxes, brush dogs, fold clothes, put clothes away, shovel snow, hang laundry on line, take laundry down, dust, take care of recycling, etc).
I don't pay, because I feel the kids need to learn life skills are a life long job and they won't be paid for it when they are older. My son had to clean bathrooms as a bagger when he was hired at a grocery store, so I am glad I made him learn to clean the bathroom.
As far as getting your dh on board, try a family meeting and express your thoughts. I try to have them despite the fact they hate them. I feel in reinforces communication and shows each family member the importance of sharing (and learning) the work.
Hope this helps.
Farmgirl #800
http://momzonetakingtimeformom.blogspot.com/
http://scrapreusedandrecycledartprojects.blogspot.com/
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Tall Holly
True Blue Farmgirl
2305 Posts
Holly
Worcester
Vermont
USA
2305 Posts |
Posted - Jan 15 2011 : 10:30:10 AM
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We have done various things to get the chidlren to help and now they do help.
When they were younger we had account books in which they wrote down the jobs they did and then we would write in the money column they amount each earned. In those days we paid .15 for doing the dishes and .10 for moving the laundry. bigger jobs like mucking out the cow stall might earn $1. One son nickeled and dimed us up to $75 from the first of Novwember to just after the first of December so he could buy winter holiday presents.
Now we have a chore book and at a certain time each day we all stop what we are doing and clean. I have divided cleaning the house into daily chores, weekly chores and monthly chores. If we all work together then it takes about an hour to do the chores for that day. The children also clean up after supper.
I have stopped giving out free money. If a child has not done his/her chores or school work I do not drive to sports practices or friend outings. We have had on occasion very unhappy children but now life is easier on all of us because every one knows if Mama is not happy noone will be happy.
Your husband needs to support you and you need to demand it. I have let my partner know that there is no skirting the rules because itis easier in the short time.
Holly
Holly
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dixiecuz
Farmgirl in Training
21 Posts
patricia
cleveland
ga
USA
21 Posts |
Posted - Jan 16 2011 : 6:13:17 PM
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| i am having the same problem with my 13 year old she wants to do nothing and has to be told 10 times , i have took radios phones , tv computer time all nothing seems to get throught to this child ,i am ready to pull my hair out, the chore book sounds good , i don't give allowances but she is responsible for earning the money to buy phone minutes ,and pay for her cable box a month. |
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mywunderfullife
True Blue Farmgirl
113 Posts
Amanda
Douglas
WY
USA
113 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2011 : 11:48:22 AM
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We started a "chore chart" with our kids. My kids are 11, 9 and 2. These are mainly chores for the older ones. I assigned different amounts for the chores (.50 - $1.00) and then there are also chores on the list that have to be done. It doesn't matter if they earned $5 in chores, if they didn't do their "just do" chores, they don't get paid. The just do chores include making their beds, doing their laundry, picking up their rooms. The other chores are taking out the trash, cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping, vacuuming, shoveling the sidewalk, unloading the dishwasher.
This has just helped us with the kids always wanting to earn money to buy things, or wanting us to buy them things. Now they are earning their own money. One other rule is that they have to put part of it into their savings account.
This may seem too simple for a 14 year old, but maybe something could be worked out. And most importantly, get Dad on board. It has also helped me to not feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. There are some days that I make a list of chores that need done that day, for certain, and they have taken on the task of deciding which one is going to do what. They kind of like knowing what is expected and that they are in charge of what they get to do.
"don't outsmart your common sense and never let your praying knees get lazy"
Farmgirl #2424!! |
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momdrinkstea
True Blue Farmgirl
180 Posts
Elizabeth
Ozark
AL
USA
180 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2011 : 06:17:16 AM
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It helps to start out small..and ease them into the idea!
My kids started with one chore, now they each have 5 a week!
I started with my youngest picking up garbage in the living room (6 yrs.),
My middle swept the stairs (9 years), and my oldest filled the wood box (13 years).
Now they each have one a day, plus a daily "to-do" list - brush teeth, hang up coat & backpack,
dirty laundry pickup, brush teeth again.
I posted a free printable chore chart on another link! Here it is:
http://www.dltk-cards.com/chart/
Good luck! It's always a "work in progress", but it really builds a work ethic they'll need in life!
Stacked Stone Farm
feel free to follow my blog: www.stackedstonefarm.blogspot.com |
Edited by - momdrinkstea on Feb 10 2011 06:18:23 AM |
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cathymark4ever
Farmgirl in Training
38 Posts
Catherine
Friendswood
TX
USA
38 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2011 : 06:55:32 AM
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We have 4 kids. 13,12,7, and 6. They have chores every day. Nothing else happens until these chores are complete. No TV, playing, games, nothing. I tried to be super mom and do it all, but the burn out made everyone suffer! If I were you, I would get DH on the same page. If he refuses, just know you are doing the right thing. Your son is not going to turn 18 and suddenly know how to be responsible, it is taught. This is not punishment for your son, you are doing the right thing by making him follow through with his responsibilities because you love him. My older children will sometimes give me the eye roll when I tell them the chores have to be done before anything else. They may not do it willingly... but they will do it. FIELDS OF THYME said "work before play". We have the same motto, plus one more. "If mom is not happy, nobody's happy". You deserve the help and you are doing the best thing for your child. He may not love you for it now, but he will later.
Catherine in Texas
Farmgirl # 2651 |
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sherrye
True Blue Farmgirl
3775 Posts
sherry
bend in the high desert
oregon
USA
3775 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2011 : 07:58:26 AM
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i have enjoyed reading this thread. i will try to be short and to the point. i tend to get long winded. we raised 4 boys and all their friends. i ran a tight ship. first rule dinner at 6. be there or hungry. second family meeting sunday. they earned their money. all had daily jobs. chores were done before pleasure. in the olden days (LOL) everyone had to pitch in. i think since we are so now minded and everything already made done fast, kids see no joy in the work. then the bigger jobs, washing my car were paid for. we rewarded good behavior. no allowance for the jobs for living, like bedrooms laundry stuff. we paid for cleaning the pool or running errands beyond normal. if the guys needed a skateboard deck i paid half they paid the other. we tried to make jobs fun, money big enough for them to want to. they competed with their friends. i would pay their friend to do my car if my boys did nor follow through.i never had much support from husband (papa) i just stood my ground. they had to work to earn their freedom on weekends. no work no pay no work no play. i was hard core. i knew if i lost the head cow position my boys would run amuck. at the family meeting the pay was given for work done that week. usually no advances were allowed on pay due. my son saved his money and with our half he paid full price for a new motorcycle dirt bike red. they learned to work or no fun. if i were you i am not but, i would tighten down your rope pull them in. set boundaries and keep them. when the kids went ANYWHERE we had who what where when?? when they came in at night they had to wake me and give me a kiss. then i knew they were home. they never knew till grown i was smelling them. i knew if they smelled like a girl or cigarettes or boos. hope this helps. all my boys are now hard working husbands and fathers. i smile when i hear them say...get those chores done. yes we used charts. kept track counted money and learned finance through their jobs. its so hard but you can do it. ignore the man, make the kids accountable to YOU if he gives them money deduct it from their money earned. i would stop cooking and doing their laundry till they get the point. you have to get in their face so to speak. take away what hurts the most. food and clean laundry and transportation. if the boys wanted a ride somewhere they better be being good or no ride. even when it was a competition game. sherrye ok so its long sorry lol
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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momdrinkstea
True Blue Farmgirl
180 Posts
Elizabeth
Ozark
AL
USA
180 Posts |
Posted - Feb 10 2011 : 08:39:14 AM
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We put the chore money in a glass mason jar so they can SEE it, if all their chores are checked at the end
of the week, it's all theirs! Missing checks on the chore chart mean "minus money", and they watch me take
it off their total. Boy, they hate subtraction! LOL Seeing it really helps!
Stacked Stone Farm
feel free to follow my blog: www.stackedstonefarm.blogspot.com |
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DeniseMGM
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Denise
WI
USA
110 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2011 : 9:23:52 PM
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Melody,
I so understand your plight of DH doing the chores himself. For us he's usually only like that in the evenings when he takes on a "Superman" role (without knowing it) and wants everything done. He thinks it will just be quickest for him to do it himself. Therein lies the problem because the four of us in the household subconsciously know that HE will do it, so we don't over extend ourselves.
While the kids certainly need to do their chores, it might help to send DH out to do something else - something he likes to do but doesn't get time enough to do it. Perhaps he's gotta SEE that children WILL do their chores if he's not doing them himself.
Don't get me wrong - I have to badger my 11-year-old to do her chores, and it's highly annoying (another reason DH just does the chores is he'd rather not listen to me badgering the kids). All in all, it might be a little more complicated pyschologically than it appears (though I'm no pyschologist either!!). The only other thing I might suggest is to ask your son to help before DH is on the scene, but to do the chore itself while he's around.
Regarding reminding the kids to do their chores - especially for busy families - I think it's part of the parenting process. There's a study out there that seeks to show that young adults take a while to hone in their responsibility trait. I don't know that I entirely agree with the study, though as a teacher of young adults, it IS rampant that they "forget" even though they are bright, conversational students. The study is much more intense than my little snippet, but the bottom line is that maybe all those reminders are necessary (though admittedly sometimes my reminders are laden with frustration).
Oh, and we don't give allowances either.
Sorry this got so long...I could probably blubber on even longer, though I'm restraining myself....
Denise - Farmgirl #1976 |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2011 : 10:33:13 PM
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Love love LOVE the parents night out jar!! Maybe the un-cooperative hubbies will get on board with that!!! Hey, its money they would have normally given out anyway, so it adds up to practically a free date!
quote:
Originally posted by Jessi Lynn
Well since there's no allowence but 'Dear old Dad' always has a little extra in the wallet, how 'bout everyone sits down and writes down expectations and chores-like keeping good grades, make sure the trash is taken out, lending a hand when needed. . .whatever you guys come up with and then everyone signs an agreement that before money's handed out for a movie or whatever, that they have a discusion with the person handing over spending money and a they (parent and kid) decide if they're keeping up with the family expectations and the spending money's earned.
If they need a reminder they can go look at the list everyone agreed on (post it on the family memo board or the fridge, laminate and post it on the bathroom mirror. . . Post it where ever everyone can see it.) That way they're learning responsiblity and your not nagging. If chores arn't done and they're not keeping up with the expectations put whatever amt the kids would have got in a jar labeled: Parents Night Out. Put it where everyone can see it and keep total written on post it and use it to treat yourselves.
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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brookefrances
Farmgirl at Heart
3 Posts
Brooke
Denver
CO
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2011 : 8:21:54 PM
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Melody:
Have you ever heard of "Love and Logic"? You may want to check Amazon for their books. It's a company here in Golden, Colorado. They have fabulous advice on parenting. Their basic philosophy is that you have to use empathy, give away control (within reason) - by giving your children choices... (all choices that you will be pleased with), and by setting rules and expectations. Chores are expected - and children are not paid for chores... it is part of their contribution to the family. My child is quite small - so I'm reading and applying the toddler book - there is also a general book and a book geared towards teens. I think it would be worth checking in to!
--bf
It's important to have an end to journey towards... but it's the journey that matters, in the end. |
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Family Matters: Getting your kids to do chores... |
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Getting your kids to do chores...
