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Family Matters:  Gift Exchanges....My solution worked-UPDATE!  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 07:52:49 AM
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For the last few years, we've done a gift exchange on my dh's side of the family. It's sortof nice to not have to run all over for the perfect gift--to just get one--and, the limit has always been $25.00. My dh and I are the low economic end of the spectrum in the family--the rest of the family have MUCH larger incomes--that never bothers me UNTIL Christmas. My sil and bil (a stockbroker and stay at home mom who just built a $300K house) organize the gift exchange. 6 years ago, when we started this, it was because they had just had their first child and "had little money to spend on frivolity"...and everyone supported them on this, even though they had more money than most of us--that year he bought a Porsche with his bonus...Now, 6 years later, we have our first child and this year, they've decided to up the amount from $25.00 to $40.00. So, now, as a family, when it's difficult enough to come up with $50 this time of year, we now have to come up with $80.00...
Last year, my husband lost his job in October and we were not exempt from the exchange...but this year? Even though my dh has a job, he's bringing home far less than he'd hoped, and with the economy worse, they UP the amount? I don't know. I just feel like (again) my dh's family is completely out of touch with "who" we are and what our limitations are.
I'm embattled. I'm a great sale shopper--Kohl's always has phenomenal prices on nice clothing. But, if I buy something and don't spend $40.00, shouldn't I include the gift receipt? Then I'm in trouble for not spending the allotted amount?
What would you gals do?
*****Update*****
I explained to my husband that I couldn't shake this feeling that, in this economy, when people are losing homes, families are breaking up, animals are in shelters and children are going to be without the basic necessities, I feel it's insensitive of your family to "up the gift amount". Now, having said that, if that's the rule of thumb, then I want my $40.00 to be a donation to the charity or charities of my choosing. At first I thought he was upset with me--that I was on a soapbox, or trying to make waves, but after a while he said, "I'm really proud of you--you amaze me, and I'm humbled. Inspired." He decided he would ask for the same thing! Luckily, my FIL drew my name, so my husband called him and told him that we both wanted this and he's on board. He said, "well, I'm all about people getting what they really want. Just give me the names, or I can give you the money to do it yourselves..."
YAY!!!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - FebruaryViolet on Dec 03 2010 08:00:14 AM |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2873 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2873 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 08:03:07 AM
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Spend what you can. & if they question it......Well, LET ER BLOW!!!!
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njaw09
True Blue Farmgirl
397 Posts
Annie
NJ
USA
397 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 08:08:58 AM
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I will tell them upfront it should be 30.00. Just explain it to them. If they can't accept it is time to bail out even if it is family.
If you have no choice but to participate. Don't include a gift receipt. Just ask them to give you some gift choices and sizes and colors.
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 08:14:14 AM
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That's what I'll do, then. I thought $25.00 was sufficient...it's like my sil and bil are saying they didn't like what they got last year (and um, I had my BIl's name!!!!).
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2873 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2873 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 08:22:58 AM
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I can't believe they are so wrapped up in what people are spending when they can clearly go out & buy whatever they want for themselves. What happened to the spirit of the season? Love & family.
We are going through something similar here, with my sis & BIL having NO business this past year. I am more than happy to get something she made, or, as I tell her "Go shop for me in your prop room"... Some very cool things there, that won't cost her a dime.
I hate that "more stuff, better stuff" way of thinking. Sorry, I don't even know your SIL & BIL; I'm sure they are very nice folks. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 08:29:20 AM
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Well, as much as I love my sil, they just seem a little obtuse when it comes to thinking about other people. They have everything, and can buy whatever they want if they don't have it. Sadly, my niece and nephew are the ones who are suffering from this behavior most. They've turned into children who don't understand the value of anything--they just want, want, want and nothing seems to matter once they receive it. Gift giving for them has become a bit of a chore because you are given a list. And each person has to pick things and let their mom know, so as to not double up.
Not to mention my nieces birthday is next weekend, then Christmas for both children, plus the gift exchange.
I agree with you about your sis! They take such gorgeous pics, and you KNOW their prop room is full of treasures!!!! Glad I'm not the only one who feels like this--I'm not into "store bought" happiness...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 09:51:28 AM
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A gift "worth" $40 is certainly different than spending $40 and including the receipt. I say make/get something nice within the budget you can afford. No receipt. No guilt.
I seriously doubt that people who are caught up in receipts know the value of things anyway. I am talking "gift-because-I-care-about-you" value.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 10:31:24 AM
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In the years when we were hard pressed for cash I made all the gifts and they were always well appreciated. My brother who is very well off and impossible to get anything for received a toilet plunger with a hand painted design on the handle one year and he loved it. Think outside the box.
Kathy |
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4HMom
True Blue Farmgirl
720 Posts
Kelly
Montana
720 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 10:40:28 AM
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If they're that uptight about the cost, then make something....I dare someone to put a $ value on my time! We exchange presents with my DH family to, but we have a "maximum" of $50...that means do NOT spend more than that! We aren't required to spend up to that amount! I bargain shop (fabrics) and make most things for gifts. Sort of what Angie said....no receipt, no guilt :)
"Women are angels...and if someone breaks our wings...we fly on our brooms...we're flexible like that!" -Unknown |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 1:17:24 PM
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Joni I very much empathize with you! We are in the exact same boat. I finally put my foot down after struggling for years to come up with Christmas gifts and always feeling like a failure. So this year I called my family and just said:
"We don't have the money, there are more immediate needs that we have to spend money on. We won't be participating in the gift exchange." My family was super understanding and then all of my sisters all agreed that they had been stressing about Christmas and didn't really have the funds either. I also spoke with my mother-in-law and told her the same thing.
I totally stressed out about it but when I finally told people- they were very understanding. And in fact relieved. I think we need to get away from the stress and expectation of holiday gift giving and more towards the true spirit of the holidays. Enjoying family and time together and if the spirit moves you to give a gift- enjoy giving but not as an obligation.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Mama Jewel
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Jewel
Sweet Peas Farmette,
Bend, OR
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 1:32:26 PM
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We did something similar to Alee awhile back. We used to pick names & there was a budget that kept getting bigger and just added to the stress of Christmas. We finally said we just can't do this. Now we do a "family gift" of a popcorn tin.
Farm Girl Sister #1683 Living Simply & Naturally on our lil Sweet Peas Farmette
"Do Everything in Love." 1 Cor 14
http://www.piecemama.etsy.com |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 4:41:39 PM
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This is the part of Christmas that I really get depressed about. Family gift exchanges never seem to be worth the stress. I make/buy things for the people that I want to, not because I have to. It always seems that there are more feelings hurt than if you did not exchange anything. It also seems that the ones that "have" a lot are the ones that are never satisfied. I am sorry that you have this added stress to your holiday.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl
2474 Posts
Bonnie
Minneapolis
Minnesota
USA
2474 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2010 : 9:30:27 PM
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Gifts should be from the heart, not the pocketbook. Give what you can and tell the truth. If they don't understand then it's not worth getting strapped for. Save the money and use it for somthing YOU need. Good luck and God bless
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2010 : 06:08:06 AM
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I'm so thankful for your responses, gals...I fretted about this all night last night--back and forth from worried about spending the money because, well, there are actual BILLS to be paid that are more important than shelling out $80.00 to just plain anger because it seems so crappy in this era, to up the cost of a gift for people who HAVE everything they need. Why can't we up the cost and donate it to charity?
My husband asked me last night to make a list so that he could give it to the person who got my name and I couldn't come up with anything other than socks. So, I decided that I'd like for them to make a $40.00 donation to the local charity of my choice. I haven't been able to set aside any money these last months for the humane society, and that always bothers me--this would make my mind (and my heart a lot quieter) and maybe, just maybe, might teach these folks a little something!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2010 : 3:44:26 PM
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That does sound quite insensitive of your relatives to up the holiday gift suggestion, and I think you are brilliant to ask them to donate to a charity of your choice. Finances at my house this year have been pretty dismal, but I made lots of chutney this summer and if I find my gouaches, i will amke a card for my friends and relatives. I think the sweetest gifts are always the handmade ones, they really touch my heart.
I hope you and your family have a soothing holiday, and of course to have a little one makes it so special. I'm looking forward to seeing Violet in her holiday finery. When my daughter Susannah was two and a half, i wanted to make something special for her. My husband and I found a little handmade doll bed and I made a little ticking mattress and two tiny pillows for it. Muslin sheets and little embroidered pillowcases, and of course, a tiny quilt. We found a sweet baby doll just the right size for the bed, and set it up under the tree. When morning came Susannah took the doll out of the bed, stripped the sheets and pillowcases, and then put the tiny pillow cases one her hands and yelled "Look Mama, ghosts!" She was so excited and it was such fun to see her enjoying these tiny things in her own way. She still has the doll, Emily Bean, the little flying geese quilt and one tiny pillowcase that has a smiling Man in the Moon and Good Night embroidered in red.
I hope you have a lovely holiday, Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2010 : 3:50:58 PM
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Awesome solution, Jonni! You GO girl! You have such a good heart! Hopefully the rest of your family will be inspired (and maybe just a little bit humbled), too! Hugs & Merry Christmas - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl
1903 Posts
Margo
Elyria
OH
USA
1903 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2010 : 4:57:15 PM
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i am also proud of you for standing your ground- and excited that the idea was well received -so far!!!! yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~ |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2010 : 5:46:41 PM
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I'm proud to call you a friend Jonni *hugs* Thank you! I'm thrilled that your idea was so well respected and accepted =) Way to go!
Truth, other than new wool socks =P , I don't need anything...my little home is full of things that I don't need already. So I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to ask that all gifts be donations to either the humane society or the local food banks. I am always humbled to have a roof over my head and more than enough to eat in this world that we live in. They least I can do is to pass it all on to those in need too.
Thank you Jonni , you are an inspiration!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl
1675 Posts
Megan
Paint Lick
KY
USA
1675 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2010 : 04:47:16 AM
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FebruaryViolet, I don't mean to disrail this conversation, but, before you give to the HSUS, please consider your local shelters. Less than 1% of donated money to the HSUS goes to shelters. Also, HSUS has a very anti agriculture stance. PLEASE support your local shelters! They REALLY need it! Have you seen the ATM donation machines for the HSUS? ANY charity that can afford those is off my list. Couldn't that money have gone toward the animals? Obviously not. Okay, I'm off my soapbox.
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2010 : 06:42:23 AM
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Megan, I worked for 3 years for a rural Kentucky shelter. No need to educate me. However, I live in Boone and Kenton County, where the shelters are well funded. There is always need there, but I look elsewhere to smaller, grass root charities.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 06 2010 : 06:44:41 AM
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Thanks, girls. I don't know what made me think of it, but I just could NOT shake my dissatisfaction with this whole gift exchange thing. LIGHTBULB while sitting at my desk, here at work. Annika, all I could come up with was socks, too!!! Do I need $40 worth of socks? NOPE, but I know countless other charities that could utilize my gifts!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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traildancer
True Blue Farmgirl
485 Posts
Loyce
Glide
OR
USA
485 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2010 : 09:36:13 AM
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I think you have an awesome idea. The giver gets the joy of knowing they are helping someone in need and the givee gets some needed help. Good choice. And kudos to your husband for being on board with this.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas.
The trail is the thing.... Louis L'Amour |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2010 : 11:30:53 AM
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Thanks! I finally narrowed down my two charities: one local, one in West Virginia. The local charity is the Equine Assistance Counseling program at the Campbells Lodge for Boys. It's a boys home that provides both inhouse and outpatient counseling for troubled adolescent boys, from child abuse to substance abuse. Great program, and it's still in its infancy, just opening in July of this year.
My other charity is a little rural animal shelter in Welch, West Virginia, where I donated last year at Christmas time. They were literally, without food and I heard about them via an email circle from a rescue group that I still do occasional dog transports for. The shelter is run by 2 women, with no state funding and they work out of an old coal mining storefront. They are a no kill facility, and they are, as you might imagine, inundated with pets in such an impoverished region. The one gal is 77 years old, and is at the shelter every single day, even after having open heart surgery.
My husband is picking veteran related charities. I'm very excited, and only wish my gift was just a little more.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Mama Jewel
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Jewel
Sweet Peas Farmette,
Bend, OR
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Dec 08 2010 : 7:11:49 PM
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Jonni, I'm welling up. What beautiful places to donate to with such purpose. What a gift in sooo many ways. Bless you!! Thank you for such a vivid description. Now *This* is Christmas 
Farm Girl Sister #1683 Living Simply & Naturally on our lil Sweet Peas Farmette
"Do Everything in Love." 1 Cor 14
http://www.piecemama.etsy.com |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Dec 09 2010 : 05:45:30 AM
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Thank you, Jewel...it was very difficult to decide on just two, but I really appreciate the equine program. Having grown up around horses, I can totally relate to their "power" to heal a broken soul. And after working in a rural shelter for several years, I know these little places need all the help they can get. F
For Violet's birthday in February, I'm going to ask that people bring donations for the Project Night Night through Sprout (pbs tele). They collect new jammies and new books for children in shelter situations who otherwise don't have any...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Family Matters: Gift Exchanges....My solution worked-UPDATE! |
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Gift Exchanges....My solution worked-UPDATE!
