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Family Matters:  Good Friend's lost baby...such a sad day  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 07:44:41 AM
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So, our good friends, who I've posted about before--we just had an engagement party for them a couple months back--(they "reconnected" again after evading each other for 20 years--college sweethearts, broke up got married, divorced, now they're together again) are expecting a baby girl.
A few weeks ago, at the ultrasound to determine gender, they were told that the baby was measuring small, and that the due date was incorrect OR there was something wrong. So, they did another ultrasound 2 weeks later, and were urged to have an amneo done. The results came back with a high percentage of the baby having Down's Syndrome. When Corinne told me, she didn't cry, she said it matter-of-factly and sortof "waited" for my reaction. With a background in tutoring life skills and reading/math with Down's teens and young adults, I have a totally different viewpoint...I took my cues from her and I said, "Well, it's something you and Darren will be able to handle, and you were hand picked to be her parents. It's a challenge but not insurmountable. I'm so excited for you both and I just can't wait to meet her!" And Corinne's reaction was equally "squealy"  , though she did say that Darren was feeling quite worried, I think about finances.
When I got home, I told my husband (he and Darren are best friends) and he had a totally different reaction--he was devastated. And this morning, it's worse. Despite having a long conversation last night about how many options there are now, for these children and parents and support systems vs. when even WE were born, and explaining what I know and understand of Down's, he said he feels like he needs to wrap his head around this before he can call Darren and comfort him. He said he feels terrible about telling Darren how wonderful and fulfilling being a parent is, and how "perfect" our child is and now their child won't be, and they (as fathers) won't share the same experience. I can't figure just HOW he figures that? It's like he thinks that this little one will be born and she won't do any of the same things little ones do, naturally. And she will.
Is my thinking wrong, in that, if Violet had a disability, would I want someone to call me, meet up with me for lunch and CONSOLE me, tell me they're sorry--be morose and melancholy? I don't think so...it's like adding weight to the wagon. He said he won't talk with him until he can speak to him without making it seem like a big deal...which also seems weird to me. I wish men weren't so goofy with their emotions...I said, "why don't you just ring him up and take your cues from him? See where the conversation goes naturally?" It was like he'd never thought of that...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - FebruaryViolet on Aug 04 2010 08:36:38 AM |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 09:07:41 AM
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I was told that my youngest would be downs syndrome. It was kinda weird, cause my dr is super attatched to our family since he treats most of it. He called my sister and told her to pick me up and drive me in to the office, then called me to tell me she was on her way. Of course I was shocked and very concerned and a little upset. By the time I left the office I was determined it didn't matter, we'd handle it. I met my DH on his lunch break and told him. He got a strange look on his face then looked at me and said, 'Well, who do we call for info so we're ready for this.' I was so happy, he just shifted into his let's get it done mode. The dr was so sure it was positively gonna happen because the test was off the charts, not just a little showing, but a huge result. The thing is, we spent months researchin and preparin for this, and it never happened. The dr was just as shocked as we were! Our baby was fine with no signs. They have checked her several times and my dr asks any of us who go in for check ups how she's doin. She had a lot of health problems when she was born, but no downs. I was kinda confused by peoples reactions when we told them, they were all so apologetic. Why? They thought it was a sad situation because they hadn't been there. They don't know about it and they don't understand how your love will overcome when it comes to your children. I was most worried about tellin my 82 y/o grandma, but she just squealed and said 'God's givin you an Angel'! I was shocked at the difference between men's and women's reactions, but my whole family was okay with everything.
Just let your friend know that men are weird and not to worry about the test results till the baby is born, they might be wrong. It's a do-able situation either way, so wait and see.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 10:18:23 AM
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Jonni, I had a friend that had the most beautiful little girl with DS. Catheryn. She was so sweet. She did have other problems and did not live very long. But we all loved her so much while she was here. Just the sweetest little baby. So there are different levels of DS. All the people I have ever come across with DS are the nicest most caring people I have ever met.
I agree with Angela. God is giving them an angel. Her husband will be fine once he sees her. His heart will melt for sure. And so will your hubby. They are adorable. And have the most precious smiles ever.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 10:51:36 AM
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We were told the same thing with Tori. That chances are because she was so small, that they thought the same thing. I went into serious denial and kept it in the back of my mind. It wouldn't have made a difference, she was ours anyways, but I was still worried. We didn't tell anyone except a couple of people so it wouldnt be a big deal.
when Tori was born, she was just fine.
hugs
Jessie
"Wonder Woman hasn't got a cape, she just turned her apron around"
Farmgirl Sister #235 |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2875 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2875 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 11:05:15 AM
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Jonni
We have a DS adult male at our church that is a true joy & a blessing to this world. He hugs me every Sunday.
I sometimes think with their everwhelming acceptance and good nature, that THEY are the normal ones, & we, with all of our doubts, hangups, & other issues are the ones with a huge lesson to learn. |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 11:14:35 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by nubidane
Jonni
We have a DS adult male at our church that is a true joy & a blessing to this world. He hugs me every Sunday.
I sometimes think with their everwhelming acceptance and good nature, that THEY are the normal ones, & we, with all of our doubts, hangups, & other issues are the ones with a huge lesson to learn.
I feel very much the same way, Lisa. I guess, maybe that's why I was so surprised at my husband's "doom and gloom" view.
Did anyone ever read Dale Evans (Roy Roger's wife)'s book called Angel Unaware? It was from the perspective of their adopted little DS girl. I read it when I was 15 and have never forgotten how much that child was loved. How, even in a time when she was left to languish in an institution, they brought her home and though, like Kris's friends baby, she did not live long, she taught such lessons while she was on this earth.
Jessie, she is measuring very small...I haven't been able to discuss what other diagnostic tests they've performed (other than the amneo) but I believe that she will be a wonderful blessing to all of us, regardless.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Lessie Louise
True Blue Farmgirl
1406 Posts
Carol
PECULIAR
MO
USA
1406 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 11:24:31 AM
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Dale Evans wrote a wonderful little book called Angel Unaware. Their child had Downs, in the 1950's and she died of a heart condition, but the book is about how she was placed on Earth to change lives. I have a few friends and their children have DS, and you can tell those kids went to the right people. Your friends are blessed, Carol
Forget buns of steel, I'd rather have buns of cinnamon!
Don't out smart your common sense!!
Farmgirl #680! |
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Lessie Louise
True Blue Farmgirl
1406 Posts
Carol
PECULIAR
MO
USA
1406 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 11:26:17 AM
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oops, just saw you had mentioned the book too. I just found another copy at a Thrift store and gave it to the Nursery Intensive Care Unit where I work, so far everyone who read it has really enjoyed the message, Carol
Forget buns of steel, I'd rather have buns of cinnamon!
Don't out smart your common sense!!
Farmgirl #680! |
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terriholland00
True Blue Farmgirl
231 Posts
Terri
Christoval
Texas
USA
231 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 2:30:15 PM
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Yes the Dale Evans book is a wonderful book and I also read it as a teen and it made such an impact on me. I work at Mosaic which is a national non for profit that serves individuals w/intellectual and developmental disabilities. We probably have 12 to 15 individuals in service with a Down's diagnosis and they are the most super people ever. Such joys and lots of FUN to be with and around, I consider it a blessing to be involved with each one of them. I think these parents should take a day at a time, explore what is available to them as far as resources are concerned (and there is a lot of them)! and many of the DS individuals are living much longer than what they used to, we have several that are in their 60's now and are in excellent health. With that being said I would also prepare for the future if the child should out live them and then they could have piece of mind knowing she would be taken care of by a person/guardian/residential provider, etc of their choosing. There are many many resources out there for families now w/children w/disabilities. Our website is loaded with great information and happenings around the country for folks w/disabilities, great newsletters and stories of exceptional people do exceptional things. www.mosaicinsanangelo.org or www.mosaicinfo.org is the national website
Hugs and love to the parents.
Terri
http://www.etsy.com/shop/terriholland00 |
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texdane
Farmgirl Legend Chapter Leader Chapter Guru
4658 Posts
Nicole
Sandy Hook
CT
USA
4658 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 6:51:32 PM
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Jonni,
Sending you an email.
Nicole
Farmgirl Sister #1155
KNITTER, JAM-MAKER AND MOM EXTRAORDINAIRE |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 8:37:41 PM
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I have to admit, I would be devastated too. I feel guilty even saying that, because my parents adopted 2 children with Down's Syndrome (my brother and sister are 3 and 4 years younger than me), my husband has worked for a non-profit serving clients with developmental disabilities for almost 20 years, and I'm very sensitive to negative or inaccurate portrayals of these people in the media. But if I was told I was carrying a child with Down's Syndrome, I would have a really hard time continuing the pregnancy. I would know too much about what to expect.
I'm not saying this to undercut the encouragement you want to offer your friends, but I have a lot of sympathy with what Justin is feeling. Especially if he encouraged his buddy to jump into parenthood, he may be feeling kind of like the biker who talks his friend into buying a motorcycle and then he gets in an accident and loses a leg or something. And raising a kid with special needs really is different from the usual experience - it's got its own terminology, its own milestones and groups. His friend may easily get sucked into the subculture of Down's Syndrome parenting, and they won't have anything in common to talk about.
In many ways, this is a really sad thing. I'm sure that your friends will love their daughter and she'll be a great kid whether it turns out that she actually has Down's Syndrome or not. But I've heard it expressed before as a kind of death. The child that was expected is gone, and the parenting experience that was expected is gone, and the experience that Justin was expecting as the friend of a fellow dad is gone. The good news, of course, is that something unexpected is coming instead. But there's a lot to think through, and a lot to lay aside first.
I hope this makes some sense and doesn't offend anyone who knows and loves a person with Down's Syndrome. |
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ceejay48
Farmgirl Legend/Schoolmarm/Sharpshooter
13618 Posts
CeeJay (CJ)
Dolores
Colorado
USA
13618 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2010 : 9:02:53 PM
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Dear Farmgirls,
Meet Jeremy, my 36 year-old son with Down Syndrome.
I didn't know until after he was born.
We cried and denied.
Then we learned about the INDIVIDUAL he is and basked in the JOY he brought into our lives.
We grew as a family . . . a complete and happy family.
He has an older sister who is his "best pal".
He is:
- a beautiful gift from God
- what I needed to help me learn about me
- what our family needed to learn about themselves
- AWESOME!!!
I wouldn't want him any other way . . NO WAY, NO HOW!!
Yes, a child with Down Syndrome presents challenges . . . but he has been less of a challenge than my 18 year-old granddaughter and many other "normal" kids I know. (I worked at a middle school for 9 years  )
Yes, it does take you on the unexpected path, in a totally different direction than you planned. It will have it's rough places, but it will have so much joy and delight.
I will be thinking and praying for you, Jonni, and your friend & family. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
THANKS!
CJ
..from the barefoot farmgirl in SW Colorado...sister chick #665
From my Heart - www.fromacelticheart.blogspot.com
From my Hands - www.cjscreations-ceejay.blogspot.com
From my Hubby - www.aspenforge.blogspot.com |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 03:52:30 AM
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We have been lifelong friends with a fmily who had a ds child of their own and adopted another with this and autiism on top of it.
Sadly, both children passed due to heart problems but in the 22 plus years, you would not have believed how many people's lives were touched by these kids. Their happy-go-lucky attitudes would brighten any room! My dad has a cousin who is in her 50's now?
I'd say the parents ought to equip themselves with as many resources as possible, educate themselves and embrace the new life and joy that will enter their lives
And not to fret, many ds people are higher functioning. It certainly remains to be seen.
And at this point, I'd hope your friend feels ok physically and can enjoy the rest of her pregnancy and not spend the remainder of this time worrying.
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 05:58:34 AM
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Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and your thoughts on my post.
Amie, you are so eloquent and so honest in your post that it couldn't be offensive. I completely understand your point--which, in many ways, is why Justin and I chose no testing whatsoever--I didn't want to "know" and thought if I learned of a problem during my pregnancy, the remainder would be simply horrible. I think that's why I was so surprised by his reaction. I was designated "high risk" due to my age, but we discussed it and thought, "our child is our child, regardless" and it all turned out for us, Violet is an incredible, thriving little girl, but you're right--it is a sortof a death, I would imagine. Justin does feel guilty. Corinne has wanted a child for a very long time (I've known her 10 years and that's all she ever talked of) and Darren came on board rather quickly when he met Violet, and hung around with Justin and Vi on days off. I think Justin is SO positive about being a father, that it was sort of "catching". So, yes, he feels somewhat responsible for "selling" it.
Ceejay--
Thank you so much for posting a photo of your Jeremy! I think him most handsome! Your post tells me that it is possible to love more than you could ever imagine. I am so inspired by your honesty about being the parent of a child with Down's. There are going to be some rocky paths for sure, but with a strong support system, they can manage.
Terri--
Thank you so much for your post--your thoughts mirror mine almost exactly. If you have any links that could assist our friends, I would surely appreciate it. I work for an attorney who is an estate planning attorney and we have many clients with a "special needs" child and design guardianships and trusts tailored to care for the child if something should happen to the parents, so when the time comes, I will help out on my end.
I simply want to be "who" they need us to be--whether it's a shoulder or a cheering leading squad. Thanks to all for your comments. The morning is a little brighter!
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2010 : 07:23:33 AM
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Please keep in mind, if they decide it's too much for them to handle that there are a lot of people who would be happy to adopt a downs child. My doctor wanted to tell me the test results in person and he immediately launched into a speil about the people he was treating for infertility and how many of them would be willing to adopt our baby. I was amazed that he maintained a list like that for his patients, but he wanted to be sure I knew that he was there to help me through the whole thing either way. He even offered to stay after his office hours to discuss the options of keeping or adopting out the baby with my husband. If they decide not to keep the baby there are those who want a baby no matter what.
I'm not trying to bring up a sad side to this, but just offering a suggestion.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2010 : 03:46:19 AM
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Indeed.
There are so many loving people out there and it's a comfort to know a disabled baby would be placed.
That's how our friend got her second child. They just had a gift and an unyielding faith in God and were able to provide so much for this kid whereas, the teenage mother could have done no such thing.
There are people out there whose patience and deadication far surpasses what could ever be considered by the rest of us.
It's very humbling
That's the mark of a good and caring dr. too. SOmeone who goes the extra mile for the patient like that |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 08:38:20 AM
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Thank you all for your loving thoughts and wishes for our friends. Unfortunately, the ultrasound 3 days ago showed no heartbeat for the little one, and well, there wee one is no more. The Doctor advised them that they should "try again" and I'm sure they will, but I wish it just wasn't so difficult for them...
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 09:03:23 AM
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Jonni, that's so sad. Thank you for letting us know. I will be thinking of them as they go through this tough time together.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
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classygram
True Blue Farmgirl
1812 Posts
Brenda
Pleasant Hill
Mo.
USA
1812 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 11:05:40 AM
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Thank you for sharing this with us, I will be praying for you and your dear friends. The Lord knows whats best and is there to comfort them.
Hugs, Brenda
"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are small matter compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:00:03 PM
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Thanks, girls. It's hard to know quite what to say. They both just met the challenge of having a child with a disability, and then to find she's gone. She was due at the end of October, so it's not that far away and it will, by all accounts, be a sad date when it comes around. I'm just trying to be a good friend and not stick my foot in my mouth.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:11:10 PM
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That's so sad, my thoughts are with your friends.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:20:19 PM
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So sorry to hear this, Jonni.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 12:24:56 PM
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Thanks, Janice...Jus called to tell me right after I'd sent of my email to you telling you that things were going as well as could be expected.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 3:02:38 PM
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Jonni, I am sorry that your friends have been through such a difficult time. First to think she was DS and to accept that and want her, only to lose her that is so so sad. My prayers are with your friends, and you. I know you will know just the right things to say to comfort her. Just knowing you love her and are there for her and her husband will mean so much. Sometimes honey, that is all you need to do, just be there.
Hugs and Prayers MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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terriholland00
True Blue Farmgirl
231 Posts
Terri
Christoval
Texas
USA
231 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2010 : 6:44:00 PM
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So sorry to hear about this. My prayers are with them and you. I know it's difficult, I had an ectopic pregnancy a long time ago between the birth of my 2 daughters. I was only 2 months along, but it was still difficult to go to the hospital and leave empty handed when everyone else around had bassinets and babies in their rooms. Again I am so sorry.
Terri
http://www.etsy.com/shop/terriholland00 |
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Family Matters: Good Friend's lost baby...such a sad day |
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Good Friend's lost baby...such a sad day
