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Family Matters:  Dad's Wife  |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 08:59:27 AM
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I need a place to vent that is safe from family discussion. My father recently had an episode - I am calling it that because they never figured out what it was - and as a result he is going to have to have 24 hours care from now on. He is 80 this year and 4 years ago he went to the Philippines and married a 24 year old girl. She is 28 now and works for Wal-Mart. They live out in the country 40 miles from Beaumont, Texas. For those of you that don't know Texas it gets very hot there. Now here is the problem. They live in a trailer - that they don't pay rent on because it belongs to a friend of hers - the trailer has no air/conditioning and they just got a hot water heater after going without one for a year. She refuses to take his care keys away because "He gets mad at me". My brothers and sister and I went to the VA yesterday to talk about what his long term care is going to be and they released him to her to go back home. In one breath they say he needs 24 hour care and in the next minute they are giving her release papers to take him home. She says she is going to move into an apartment in Houston so he can go to a VA day care center. They barely make ends meet on his Social Security and her Wal-mart Salary without paying any rent or utilities.
In Houston they will have to rent an apartment. Pay city utilities which are about 1/3 more than in Beaumont. Her car insurance is going to go up at least $100. for Harris County etc etc. When we ask the social worker at the VA who was going to pay for them to move to Houston she said "That isn't what this meeting is about we will not talk about that". We asked her what was going to happen when the moved here then got evicted because she can't afford to live here and they said "That isn't what this meeting is about". For my brothers and sister and I that is exactly what the meeting was about. What is best for my father is what the meeting was about. Having him out in the country with no A/C or living in a slum in Houston where they will eventually get evicted is not what is best.
Last time he was here he told us that she had been taking him to work and he was sitting in the car while she worked. He also told us that she goes off and leaves him for hours while she hangs out with friends. That tells me she isn't going to be there 24/7.
They would not listen to us when we tried to tell them. I can't bring him here because my sister, my daughter and her husband (who both lost their jobs) have had to move home and my youngest lost her job after a serious car accident is coming home next month. My husband and I both are unemployed because of the "recession" and can't afford to take in anyone else even if we had room and if we take Dad we have to take her as well. She eats more than all the rest of us put together. I am so frustrated that the VA would release him to her with us telling them it wasn't safe. My Dad's sister-in-law called me yesterday and chewed me out because I am not trying to do what is right for her (the wife) I told her my concern was for my Dad but now all my Aunts and Uncles are mad at me because I won't either take them in or help her financially. The wife wants me to take them in here so she can leave Dad with me while she works and goes to school. She can't figure out why they just can't move into my living room and we will support them while she hangs out with her friends, goes to school and works part time.
Am I being the b**** they all say I am being. I just don't think the stress in my house would handle two more people (one who needs constant care) and one that is so annoying that everyone hides in the bedroom and leaves me to listen to her constant giggling and boring stories about working in the automotive department of Wal-Mart. (I have nothing against Wal-Mart).
Up to now I have always put mattresses on the floor when they need to be here for Dr's. Appointments at the VA etc. I sponsored her so he could bring her here when he married her, they lived with me for two months when she got here and 6 after he got out of the hospital after his stroke. But, since then I have other people living here. She says I have never done anything for her. I was the one that took care of him for her when she had her surgery and took her to the hospital and was with her when she had the surgery. They were here for a month that time.
I don't know if I am more hurt or more angry. Or are they right and I am just a bad person.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 09:09:30 AM
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Wow, Hugs. I guess I would fell badly also. I supposed they released him to her simply because she is the wife and that was the easiest thing to do.
Does she love your dad?
Do you think her wantingto live with you is because its best for her or is there a cultural aspect to it? Meaning in the Phillipines did she have extended family living together? My best friends father is from there and has recently moved back there and they have extended family in their home.
I dont have answers and I am sure its frustrating. Prayers sent....I hope you find some peace about it. |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 09:51:47 AM
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No I don't believe she loves him. I believe she sees him as a responsibility. But as she meets more and more people here - mostly from her country - they are convincing her that because he is old and will not be around much longer she has to look after herself. We have had long discussions.
I don't know alot about her culture but I know that only her immediate family live in the house she lived in. For the first two years she was great but slowly that has changed. She didn't buy a hot water heater because she is sending money home to her family for their phone bill and to buy her brother a computer. I finally told her she had to buy one and she bought a 5 gallon one.
The first time my Dad went into the hospital was in May and he was there for two months. Her plan was to leave their dog in the car in a crate until he got out of the hospital. We of course went and picked up the dog and brought him here. I just know that her priorities are not where they should be.
He married her because he felt he was imposing on me (he had lived with us for 4 years) and he wanted someone to go with him fishing and camping etc. She hasn't gone fishing or camping with him in three years and he has been so unhappy with her for the past year.
They released him to her because she was his legal wife and that was easiest thing to do just like you said. I feel like I am abandoning my Dad but I don't know what else to do if she won't listen to anyone. Her friends are telling her what to do and she won't listen to any of us. My Dad's siblings are not helping either. But, they don't want to have to do anything so they are letting her have what she wants.
Yes frustrating and yes I am guilt ridden.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 09:57:00 AM
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Oh my...you have your hands full---your first priority should be your Dad. Is there anyway you can seek legal counsel and get power of attorney? It sounds like neglect on the wife's part and I think she is expecting way too much from her immediate family. No AC in Texas?---My lands that is terrible. Keep trying Beth,there are agencies a plenty out there that are supposed to help you in your situation. And, don't forget to take care of yourself you don't want to make yourself sick over this because sounds like you are doing most of this on your own....I will be thinking about you.
"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert
Melody
Farmgirl #525
www.melodynotes-melodynotes.blogspot.com
www.lemonverbenasoap.etsy.com
www.longtallsallys.etsy.com
www.andsewitgoes.etsy.com |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 11:04:00 AM
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Wow, Hugs. I guess I would fell badly also. I supposed they released him to her simply because she is the wife and that was the easiest thing to do.
Does she love your dad?
Do you think her wantingto live with you is because its best for her or is there a cultural aspect to it? Meaning in the Phillipines did she have extended family living together? My best friends father is from there and has recently moved back there and they have extended family in their home.
I dont have answers and I am sure its frustrating. Prayers sent....I hope you find some peace about it. |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 11:05:44 AM
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Would she have to go back to the phillipines if she divorced him? Because honestly, I think that is where I would start nudging her. I know it sounds wicked, but it would be easy to use her youth and selfishness against her and FOR your dad.
If she's not in the picture and his health is such that you could get power of attorney, you could put him in an assisted living home and the state would pay for it.
There comes a time when worrying about what others/family thinks is just not what we have to do. Sometimes we just have to make those hard decisions and let people judge and be snarly about it. THey'll get over it, and if they don't.... they don't/
What a rough spot. I will keep you in my prayers.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
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MaryLD
True Blue Farmgirl
861 Posts
Mary
New Braunfels
TX
USA
861 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 11:52:08 AM
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Dear Beth,
I am SO sorry to hear that this is what you are going through. I totally understand that you do not want to enable your dad's wife to be able to act the way she is acting. She needs to be accountable for her lack of integrity as a spouse rather than be enabled to live in a fantasy world where she can act her age. ( It's not her fault that she is so young, but truth be told, she is acting like a high school or college girl, and she signed on the be married to an elderly spouse.) I took care of my husband when he was dying, while running a midwifery practice and raising my pre teen son from a prev. relationship. It was the right thing to do and I would not have done things any differently. I had almost NO time to myself, nor would your father's wife if she were a bit more involved.
Your dad, and your daughter who has been in a car accident, are the most dependant and at risk of your family members right now. I can't give feedback about your daughter's needs, since I do not know her condition. Perhaps everyone who is already stressed and strained at your house, can rally together for your dad. If people are out of work they could help take care of him. IHSS might even pay minimum wage to family members who are caring for your dad. ( That's In Home Supportive Services. I did work under that program when I was younger.) I know it sounds like being in a crucible, having that many stressed out family members in one place. But it does not have to last long. You can keep pushing on the VA, Medicaid, social workers, etc, to find a suitable placement for your dad, in light of his current health care needs.
Maybe I'm crazy, but if it were me, I would tell the wife that I would take in my father but that she would need to stay in her own place. Tell her you cannot take in any more dependants, though, out of your responsibilty to your father, you will house and care for him until he is in a permanent placement She is the only able bodied person who is working, so she does not need you the way the others do. Unless, of course, she wants to contribute and you are open to that. It may be that all able bodied, unemployed adults ( not your hubby, of course!) in your home would need to make other arrangements until your father, the most frail and the most at risk, can get the proper placement.
Not an easy situation.
~ Mary LD
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 1:54:34 PM
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HUGS!!!! I wish I could do more than just be here to listen but I'm in trying times as well. We have taken in my MIL and she has a spending problem that we can't seem to get under control. I do know that you have to take care of yours first, hubby, and kids, then outsiders. I would try to make arrangements for your dad and tell her that INS can take care of her. That would put a fire under her. If INS was notified of her neglect of your dad she would be up a creek! Let her know that anf that you know that as well.
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 6:10:30 PM
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Calling the INS is part of the plan for sure. I also plan to call the VA and have a conversation about the Social Worker with the Administrator of the VA. We just found out about 20 minutes ago that he is already back in the VA with pneumonia. They were out less than 12 hours.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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MaryLD
True Blue Farmgirl
861 Posts
Mary
New Braunfels
TX
USA
861 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 6:44:00 PM
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Dear Beth,
I'm sorry to hear that your father is back in the VA, since it is becuase of the pneumonnia. I'm sure it's very clear to you, though, that his need for 24 hr care is going to become much, muuch easier to argue. Such a tough situation.
Thank you to those who brought up the point of the INS. I am not very knowlegdeable about INS issues in family/ family law matters, and this has given me food for thought. It may help another person some day. One of my former homebirth clients is in a very, very tough situation and I'm sure INS would deport her (absent) husband if anyone called them. It has been discussed, but it seems kind of vague, just giving them a call! I'm not trying to bring up another person's hardship, but rather to say thank you for the way the INS got woven into the post.
Hang in there.
I'm sending you a great big giant HUG!!!!!
Haflingers- You can't have just one!
( I'm just one short of a drill team!) |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Apr 16 2010 : 9:08:11 PM
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Oh, Beth. You and your dad will be in my prayers. Keep us posted. I do hope he is feeling better soon.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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christmasgal
Farmgirl in Training
45 Posts
Rose
The Dalles
oregon
USA
45 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2010 : 11:58:46 AM
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my prayers are with you,, i think that leaving him in a car while she works is called elder abuse, shes not meeting his needs, i might call social services let them know what she is doing or not doing for the best interest of your dad.. is there home health care in that state to go in and see if he is ok? you have alot on your plate and sharing it here is a good place to get feedback,, hang in there,, hugs... rose
"Life is'nt about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain" |
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jclambert
True Blue Farmgirl
149 Posts
Judy
Stringtown
Oklahoma
USA
149 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 2:45:22 PM
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I don't know about Texas, but in Oklahoma the Department of Human Services has a section called Adult Protective Services that is supposed to investigate cases where it is reported that an adult is not being taken care of properly, and can step in and get care for them if needed. I hope you can get something settled about your Dad so that you can have peace for yourself.
Judy
*Love one another* |
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Faransgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
895 Posts
Beth
Houston
Texas
USA
895 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 7:44:50 PM
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Yes we have Adult Protective Services and tomorrow morning they will be called. My Brother and I are going to share the call making. My father's brother has decided to get involved and is going to make a surprise visit in the next couple of weeks. He is waiting for us to let him know Dad is out of the hospital. I will be calling the INS tomorrow as well. Thank you all for your help and understanding. I am trying to do what is best without feeling guilty about what has been done so far. I am not sure if we can get help from the INS but it is an avenue we can try. Wish me Luck.
Farmgirl Sister 572
When manure happens just say "WOO HOO Fertilizer". |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Apr 18 2010 : 8:44:28 PM
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I know that feeling guilty is a hard thing to deal with. It can tear you apart if you let it. I felt guilty standing up to my MIL about issues involving my children, so I stopped and then felt guilty for the way they were being treated by her. For a while. Then I realized that anyone with any morals feels guilty for causing stress, hurt feelings, or any discomfort to anyone. I had to choose my childrens feelings and welfare or my MILs feelings. She's a big girl and take care of her own welfare. I still feel guilty about it but I know it's to protect my children and that keeps it from driving me insane. I hope that helps.
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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patchworkpeace
True Blue Farmgirl
478 Posts
Judy
Jackson
Michigan
USA
478 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 08:46:38 AM
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Beth,
Wow! What a lot to deal with. Having previously lived in Houston, I don't know how anyone could survive without air conditioning, especially at his age.
My prayers are with you.
Judy
Success is measured not by the position one reaches but by the obstacles one has to overcome to reach it. Booker T. Washington |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3317 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3317 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 10:06:33 AM
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No doubt this will cause friction and maybe irreparable damage, but you have to do what is in your heart no matter what.
A year ago, I went to social services about my own son's parental abilities. I was so very concerned about what kind of home life my grandson was exposed to. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. We have not spoken since, but I know that I did the right thing. He knows it too.
Life is made up of tough choices more often than not. Hang in there---you are on the right track dear girl.
"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert
Melody
Farmgirl #525
www.melodynotes-melodynotes.blogspot.com
www.lemonverbenasoap.etsy.com
www.longtallsallys.etsy.com
www.andsewitgoes.etsy.com |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 7:07:36 PM
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prayers for you and your family
how sad and heartbreaking for you
i can not even imagine the sleepless
nights worrying about your dad
with all you have going on.
you must be a very good and strong woman
may god bless you
http://jerseyfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Apr 19 2010 : 11:07:10 PM
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I DO have "advice", but won't put it on here, sorry. Will Private email you.
The only thing I will say here is that I am afraid your dad is going to be taken "to the cleaners"
Just know YOU should NOT BE feeling guilty about anything, YOU are doing the right thing.
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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Family Matters: Dad's Wife |
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Dad's Wife
