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Family Matters:  What to do??  |
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22angel
True Blue Farmgirl
498 Posts
Pam
Manitoba
Canada
498 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 20 2009 : 8:06:18 PM
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My "grandma" died last Tuesday and her funeral is on Friday. I'm not going (not that I really want to). I have some issues with her, how she treated her only son (my dad), not to mention how she had treated us kids over the years, I'm guessing b/c we were her son's kids. But whatever. She only saw us like 5 times in the past 30 years, and only ever called on Christmas day, drunk, & never talked to her grandkids, only my dad & grandpa (her ex since like the early 70s, if not late 60s). So it's not like I knew her, or miss her.
So my problem is this: My great uncle (her brother) asked if I had anything to add to the eulogy that he has to write. I told him it would take a bit of thinking, b/c really, I don't have anything to add. And what do you say to someone about someone you don't know & haven't ever really known? I'm just not sure about all this.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm re-reading it & I think it's kind of confusing.....
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. |
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doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Oct 20 2009 : 8:19:34 PM
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Hi Pam,
Since you were not close to you grandma, I would tell your uncle that you have nothing to add and won't be attending. You may get an earful but just let it roll right off your shoulders and do what's best for you. Good Luck
You can tell your dog all of your secrets and they'll never say a word!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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22angel
True Blue Farmgirl
498 Posts
Pam
Manitoba
Canada
498 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 07:00:49 AM
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It's funny in that family how some of them ended up really snotty, nosy & annoying (my grandma & a couple of sisters), whereas the rest are really super nice. I'm not sure who all is going to the funeral. I'm sure my uncle knows that we weren't that close to her (and that we aren't going to the funeral), but I think he's struggling to find stuff to put in the eulogy. Maybe I'll think of some little thing, I don't know. Thanks Tina.
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 07:15:03 AM
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If you think of something, then that is good; however, if you can't I wouldn't stress over it or about it. She was pretty much a stranger to you. Maybe say something like "I am sorry I just didn't know Grandma So-and-So very well at all so I can't think of anything to add to the Eulogy. I hope the Eulogy and funeral go well. " Or some such like that.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Cabinprincess
True Blue Farmgirl
682 Posts
Melody June
Athens
TX
USA
682 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 07:25:44 AM
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Pam family issues can sometimes make you want to scream and claw your face, but she is gone now. I would reach down into my heart and fine lovely words thanking her for giving you the best dad in the world. Take your focus off her and remember if not for her (good or bad) you would not have your dad. And if for my dad's sake it would make it better for him, I'd go to the funeral also. Sometimes no matter how bad a parent may treat us we still love them. She is gone and can hurt no longer. This might be your moment to rise above the occasion and nip anymore family squabbles now that she gone. Remember you don't have to be there to say wonderful loving things about her, only to close a chapter in your dads life. If your in a spot where someone expects you to say something about her, just keep it short and say " I wish we could have been closer."
Try to let go of all the bad feelings, you don't want to carry the baggage around.
When things are poopy, just talk to Jesus, He will walk through it by your side.
Smiles, Melody June
God's gift to you are your talents, your gift to Him is how you use them. |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 08:05:40 AM
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Make peace with yourself regarding her and tell the uncle that the only words that come to mind are: I only wish I could have known her better, and leave it at that. No meanness or nastiness in those words, on top of, your are being honest.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Autumn Leaves
True Blue Farmgirl
463 Posts
Jennifer
Northern
California
USA
463 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 08:23:52 AM
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I agree with the other ladies. Just be cordial for the uncle, do what you have to whether you go or not and move on. Best wishes.
Warm Wishes
Jennifer
Never let yesterday use up too much of today - Will Rogers
http://jenscountrylife.blogspot.com |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 09:23:10 AM
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I wouldn't add anything. I think lying is wrong (I mean what would you say that would be honorable, to some one you don't know). And if you told the truth about her....well that isn't the time or place. So best to leave it alone.
I personally wasn't asked (and my grandma only had 1 kid and 4 grands, and I was the oldest!) about any part of the eulogy, my grandma was the same, oh I seen her more then 5 times, regrettably but she was abusive. I didn't really have anything to say, and no one asked me. Quite frankly her eulogy was a sad thing that cost too much money. Dad or my step grandfather one, hired some minister (She never went to church) that didn't know her, and basically that was what he said up there! I never met Martha, so I don't have much to say about her, my mom met her once. Does any one have anything they want to say. I was on the spot, and had just literally flew half way across the country to be there (not for her, but for my dad, and much younger siblings, I thought I needed to be there for them!). Plus to be quite honest she had no friends because of how she acted, so the only other people there were a few family members, (her sister in law, her children, her step children etc) my fathers childhood best friend, and one neighbor! That was it. Any way, my youngest brother went up and said a few words (he was about 8 at the time). And that was it. If I had known that was what was going to happen, I think I would of just said a few scriptures and that be it.
Personally, I think if I were you, (or me again! haha) I would come up with a few comforting scriptures (Don't have to mean your grandma is going to Heaven or Hell, I would focus on the live people not the dead), and that be it. Something like that God is a god of comfort and strength or something and that be it. Nothing about seeing her again, etc. haha
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 09:24:57 AM
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Not to make fun of your grandma, but it just came to me. It was just yesterday I was talking to my husband about how my grandma was nice for about 3 years once, when she had brain surgery! hahaha Then she recovered and wasn't so nice any more again back to her old self. hahaha
Any way, my husband said why didn't you say, grandma time for another brain surgery.
Just thought that may of been something positive I guess I could of added to her Eulogy, oh I remember there was 3 good years with grandma, right after brain surgery, those were nice! hahaha
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 2:38:12 PM
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I wouldn't add anything to the eulogy. What can you say? it would either be a lie or if the truth was told hurtful to some. Honey just because you are family by blood doesn't always make you family in your heart. I guess I could be considered cold to say this, but to me it is just honesty. If you don't like someone when they are alive, you can't like them any better just because they are dead. I said that once to my father about one of his friends that I just could not stand. He was upset because I didn't want to go to the funeral and didn't. I just said the truth, I didn"t like him when he was alive and I don't like him any better just because he is dead.Dad said I shouldn't speak ill of the dead.I ws just being true to who I am and what I believe. That doesn't erase all the nasty things they have done in life. You needn't say anything hurtful to your Uncle, just decline to add anything and I don't see any need to say you aren't going to the funeral.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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22angel
True Blue Farmgirl
498 Posts
Pam
Manitoba
Canada
498 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2009 : 5:54:15 PM
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Thanks for all the input girls!
Alee: Good advice :). I might just do that.
Melody June: I can't go to the funeral now since it's on Friday, Mom & Dad are leaving early tomorrow morning & there's not room for me anyhow (Dad hauls campers/RV things and his truck is fixed up for him, not much room for Mom even!). If it was closer, I would likely go, but it's halfway across the country.
Heather, you made me laugh with the story about your Grandma & the brain surgery.
MJ: You're absolutely right when you say "just because you are family by blood doesn't always make you family in your heart". I guess that's why we get to pick our friends, hmm?? lol
Still not 100% sure what I'm going to do about it, but you girls made me feel better about not having anything to add to the eulogy!
Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2009 : 11:04:38 PM
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Glad to of made you laugh, that's why I posted it. I thought it was pretty funny too! hahaha And ironic I had just been talking about it!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2009 : 10:15:52 AM
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Melody June, you are just so good at words. I would have said the same thing.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Sarahpauline
True Blue Farmgirl
672 Posts
sarah
Ringgold
GA
USA
672 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2009 : 10:05:00 PM
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I would say only that I wish comfort to all who will mourn the loss of your grandmother. A life is a life and we all choose to live it how we want to. She opted to be who she was and you dont have to feel guilty by not attending unless you attend to comfort someone else you love who is grieving. I recently attended a funeral for a friends brother who I did not know, but loved my friend and wanted to be there. I have also attended funerals for family members I did not like personally, but the death was hard for some people I love dearly... so there it is. I opted not to go to the viewing though. You have to make the right choice for you. And if people have issue with it then I would simply say, I am dealing with this situation in the way that is best for me and my heart. I am choosing not to attend but I do wish all the best to all who do. Then I would send a cake or something to the meal maybe. I know that you will do what is best for you and do it with dignity and grace. As an aside, my grandomther called one of my other family members a dumb (B)witch at my great grandfathers funeral. On one hand I want to giggle that she is so sassy, but I would concur that it was not dignified, nor was it graceful. SO dont do that. ;)
Not all those who wander are lost...
www.SarahPauline.com
www.AbraxasBaroque.com |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2009 : 9:42:36 PM
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Welp, on one hand, I would say don't 'lie' and don't say anything. However, my manners keep kicking me and a little voice keeps telling me that even though you didn't know her or like her, still, just a sentence or two of mundane something to show at least you acknowledge the woman was alive and, even though she was a real toot (I'd get banned for typing what I really want to say), she was your grandma. Just be graceful, zone out for the funeral (try not to fall asleep or snore) and then afterwards, either pop a Corona or, if you don't imbibe, go for a nice cuppa or a Pepsi over ice.
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Oct 25 2009 : 9:45:30 PM
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Actually, from what you've said, she was your grandMOTHER, not your grandma. Act accordingly and just say something nice and leave it at that...then go for the Corona or tea or Pepsi.
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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Nancy Gartenman
True Blue Farmgirl
9092 Posts
Nancy
West Seneca
New York
USA
9092 Posts |
Posted - Oct 26 2009 : 06:24:30 AM
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I would agree with Melody June. You will feel better about it in the long run. Honey always goes down better then vinager. Sometimes I think of Melenie from 'GONE WITH THE WIND". What would she have done? I never could decide in the movie which Woman was really the stongest.
www.Nancy-Jo.blogspot.com |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Oct 26 2009 : 07:21:24 AM
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I have not read through all the answers you received, but I would bet they are good advice. My advice (since the funeral is over now) is this: your heart will heal and soften if you rise to your best and think of something loving and positive that will balance the hurt you feel and the sad memories. I say this for your sake.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
Edited by - jpbluesky on Oct 26 2009 07:24:18 AM |
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Family Matters: What to do?? |
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What to do??
