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Across the Fence:  How to Make and Keep Friends  |
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Rosenwalt
True Blue Farmgirl
77 Posts
Rose Marie
NY
77 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 2:37:51 PM
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Well I was just thinking about how I have no friends. I don't make friends. I try really, but noone seems to like me.
I know I am on the immature side for my age. At least that I think is what other see. I really see it as I'm happy and bubbly and try to be cheerful.
When I was working at the nursing home someone actually said that I smiled too much. Well that didn't bother me because I know the residents liked me and I had the ability and care to cheer them up somewhat.
But at the same time, it hurts. And as I sit here now the tears are running down my face. Everybody wants a friend don't they?
I do have my husband who is my best friend. I know there are people out there who have absolutely noone at all and are lonely.
I guess I always loved the show "I Love Lucy" and so much wanted a relationship like Lucy and Ethel!
Well anyway, how do I go about making friends when we move up to our new land/farm? I don't want to try too hard and ruin it. I don't want to not laugh or smile and have them think bad of me.
I guess I would like to hear from you ladies as to what makes a friend to you and what you would like to see from your new neighbor.
And what do I do wrong that nobody wants to be my friend? Yes, I may have faults, but so do they and I'm willing to be their friend.
Oh shoot....now I'm a watering pot lol.
Rose Marie,
Central New York
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 3:28:22 PM
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Rose Marie -- your post just makes me feel so sad! I'm so sorry that you are feeling lonely. I can't imagine anyone not liking a person because they smile too much. That's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
About 3 years ago I lost my dearest friend in the world to cancer. We were truly soul mates and had been friends for years. I got married at her home and she was with me when my second child was born. When she died I felt like I had died inside too. For over two years I felt just like you do. I had no friends and didn't think I'd ever find anyone who could know like my dear Susie did. I had my daughter Missy but needed someone my own age. About a year ago I met two other gals aat my grandson's t-ball game and Missy & I decided to get together with them to do a craft night once a month. We eventually became the Farmgirls chapter. Now we are all the closest of friends. And I am so grateful to have found the wonderful people on this forum.
Just try to hang in there. God does have a special friend just for you. Get involved in community activities close to where you live. You will make friends. And hopefully you can lean on all of us until you find that special "in person" friend. I'm sending big hugs to you!!!!!
http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage/
http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 3:41:51 PM
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I couldn't say it any better than Kay. I have been very blessed in the friend department. My friend Pattie and I have been very "Lucy and Ethel" for the past 20 years! We met working together at a day care center when my almost 26 year old son was in kindergarten. Sometimes you just click with someone, even if you arn't very much alike. Pattie and I are very different in alot of ways but have a connection that I would hate to lose. What is hard is after we moved here (13 hours away from her) I havn't found that same connection with anyone. I am never at a loss for friends but not the same way. I guess the best advice I have is don't be sad and certainly DON"T stop smiling!! It will happen.
Big hugs from me too!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Rosenwalt
True Blue Farmgirl
77 Posts
Rose Marie
NY
77 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 3:54:25 PM
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I been hanging in there. I've tried things also. I once joined a bowling league. Now that was a very hard thing for me, myself to do all alone as I'm on the shy side. Well, there was one guy that would clap for me if I got a strike or something. He introduced me to everyone. Then for the next 3 nights I was left alone like I had the plague. No one even tried to talk to me. I tried talking to them and I got treated like scummy scum scum. So I quit that.
Well I've tried some other things only to find that the guys were nice to me but not the wives. If some were invited over for cards, they didn't come again. I invited almost the whole office and the other office to boot to a Christmas Around the World party that my mother helped me with food wise. No one came. Not one.
At my last place of employment I found out that one girl invited the other office girls to her camp. I wasn't included. I got lots of other stories *sigh*
So I guess every so often I have a pity party and I guess tonights it. Just wish I didn't forget to buy dip.
But I don't know anymore how to try again. I thought maybe go for walks and wave or smile at people. But do I walk up to them? Let them come to me? I don't know what to do anymore. I think if I got one more rejection I just want to quit so I'm scared to make the wrong move.
Well anyway, I'm glad I have here to go to. You gals are swell.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Kay. But glad you found a rainbow.
Rose Marie,
Central New York
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 7:18:18 PM
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Sweet Rose Marie, I know how you feel. I was even thinking about me and friends while fixing dinner, and here you are feeiling the same way. I am naturally shy like you. My husband is a pastor so I have had to learn to talk with people, go up and introduce myself, be in charge of committees, blah,blah blah. It's really out of my comfort zone.
I am 45 and have no Ethel. I think my trouble is I try too hard and people see that I am uncomfortable, which makes them uncomfortable.
I think too, I lack the confidence in myself to engender people warming up to me as quickly as I would like. In truth I have had to guard myself from thinking I don't even fit in here on the forum; "I'm not as funny or clever, what I have to say is boring,..." Last November the Oregon Farmgirl chapter had their first meeting, headed by guess who? It went really well, and I wasn't nervous at all. Knowing that we were all strangers, but there for the same reason made a big difference. I didn't have to be the pastor's wife, or mom or... I was just Julia, no pretense, no expectations. It really boost my confidence. Sounds like you need some confidence to boost your morale. Find something you are interested in like master gardening class, or ceramics, whatever, go and just enjoy the class with no expectations of yourself or others. No preconcieved notions. It may be just the ticket. And never stop smiling!!!!!!!!!! Hugs, Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 8:07:59 PM
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Rose Marie -
Where are you moving to? Are you staying in the state of New York or moving to another state? Will you be near a town/city or out a ways? I was thinking you could see if there is a farmgirl chapter near where you will be moving to. Since you have found us here on the forum and share the interests it might be a natural step to meet some farmgirls in person. Of course you always have us as cyber freinds. I will gladly be your cyber freind.
I don't think having tons of freinds makes the person. I really have only two close freinds, both I met in college. I don't see them that often but I know I am thought about by them and them by me. One lives here in the same city as I and the other lives across the state in Central Oregon. Sometimes I see people with lots and lots of freinds and think I might be missing out, but I have my two best buddies and I have my husband and kitties. You already mentioned you have your husband, which is great. But I know sometimes it is not the same as a close girlfriend.
I have to admit this is the first group I have ever joined, I'm not much of a joiner. But I went to that first Oregon Farmgirl meeting that Julia mentioned and wasn't sure what I was getting into, but it was great. By the way, Julia is very freindly and has a great personality.
You sound like a very caring person and probably have a lot to give to people.
Like I said you always have us here and any time you want to talk or vent or whatever, just e-mail. I am always happy to listen.
Anne in Portland
"Second star to the right, straight on till morning" Peter Pan
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FarrarFarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
330 Posts
Lynda
Frohna
Missouri
USA
330 Posts |
Posted - Mar 16 2006 : 10:14:06 PM
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Hi, Rose Marie,
You sound like a wonderful person to me and I would love to be your friend. You have a touch of humor even in your despair. Now you probably didn't mean to be, but I could tell that it was natural and a gentle and charming part of your personality. I'm talking about your "pity party and forgetting the dip." That would be just like me, too. I could relate and you gave me a chuckle.
I am sorry that you feel like you don't have any friends and I know it must be frightening to take the first step especially when you feel like it could be detrimental. But the flip side is that it could also be a very good thing. There will always be awkward moments at first as you get to know each other and find the things that connect you for good. I'm sure you've got what it takes to make great friends. I think Julia identified an area that would definitely give you the boost you need - self confidence. I know I second guess myself all the time when it comes to how I am around others. "I wonder what they thought about my outfit....I wonder if I should have said 'that' differently....Oh, I hope they don't think I meant if that way....Maybe I shouldn't have talked so much....and on and on and on. And then again sometimes you just have to go in there shielded with your faith knowing that whatever Gods brings you to, He will bring you through and that includes smoothing the rough edges of introducing yourself or being introduced. You have control over how you present yourself, but you have no control over how others perceive you, and if they don't like you, then maybe they are too judgemental, have too high of expectations, are too picky, looking for a specific kind of friendhsip, or some are high maintenance and only want to have a friend, but not be one. There are so many people out there who are just like you and would love to have a great friend and they are looking for someone like you.
In business, it is said that you get one 'yes' for every 10 'no's' If that is true for friends, too, you just have to keep trying and think about it as a numbers game. Everytime you feel like their reaction to you is telling you 'no,' you are one closer to the one woman who is waiting to be your friend.
And as everyone here has said already, there is a whole forum of women who are anxious to get to know you better. I know I am. I've connected with a few of the women here really well, not all of them, but the farmgirls that I feel like I share the most in common with, and you will get to know which ones fill that bill for you by reading through the posts. We are here for you, Rose Marie, sending you hugs, good thoughts, and prayers.
Come over and sit for a spell, Ethel, I've got a good idea and I need your help......
God bless you this day and always in all His wonderful ways.
In His hands,
Lynda L.
Pray in faith and you will not live in doubt.
www.pamperedchef.biz/lorenzfamilycooks |
Edited by - FarrarFarmgirl on Mar 16 2006 10:14:45 PM |
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Debs
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Debs
Wellington
New Zealand
100 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 04:30:35 AM
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Hi Rose Marie
Be assured that you have many kindred soul cyber friends here!
I can sympathise as I have had experiences where I don't understand what I've done and why some people don't want to be friends or friendly to me (am I too uneducated for them? are they too "busy" to be friends? are they just having a bad day?)
My husband is also my best friend!
You sound very caring and you have a sense of humour even when you are down!
I agree with others here - join in community activities, classes that interest you, and find out if there is a farmgirl chapter near you! These will bring you together with like-minded people and boost your confidence too.
Your kindred soul farmgirl cyber friend,
Debby |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 05:11:59 AM
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You ask how to make and keep friends. Wow, that's a really big and complex question! If you decide that this is something you really want, you can have it. While we all value the cyberfriendship here, it's just not the same as having someone right there in your daily life. I apologize in advance for the scattered nature of this post; it's hard to organize this properly. And I have faith that others will add to what I've written here, so you can have good relationships in your everyday life.
First, you need to accept and love yourself. Accept your flaws, your past, your weaknesses. Know that you are a precious child of God, and that you are loved just the way you are. (This is a really huge step for some people, and may take time to accomplish. But it's an integral part.) Then accept your strengths. Acknowledge everything from your sunny nature to your ability to spell correctly in a post! There is much about you that is unique and special. Celebrate that.
Next, do a personal inventory. You said that a co-worker said you smile too much. They may have difficulty saying what they really mean, which might be that they feel you're being superficial, or artificially cheerful, or not genuine.
A large part of being a friend is having the ability to handle intimacy. I don't mean the kind between men and women; I mean the kind where people share personal confidences, feelings, and that inner part of themselves. A person who can handle intimacy can listen without judgment as if you're the most important person in the world. They can shut up when they need to, and tell you something that's borderline painful in a considerate way because they love you and you trust them; and they know it. They can share the day to day happenings of their lives, but not infringe on a friend's. They make room for a friend to grow and soar, and encourage that. They keep a friend grounded by being honest but not harsh. They tell the truth, but use tact and consideration.
Sometimes people who have no friends tend to rush too quickly toward what they perceive as close friendship, and they scare people away. Or sometimes they may miss signals where someone is extending the beginnings of friendship, and lose opportunity.
A person with many friends will be very adept at reading the signals of social situations, and adjust themselves accordingly. Part of the skill in doing that well is to change to reflect what you see that person needs, but still be faithful to yourself and who you are.
A person with many friends is skilled at acknowledging the strong points of others. They realize that they are not diminished in any way if someone else does something well; and it's good to compliment them. Read people, use empathy, and react accordingly.
You can find friends EVERYWHERE. Like to read? Look for programs at your local library. When the lady next to you smiles and says the speaker was good, say yeah, you really enjoyed it. If she's there at the next one, you have a connection. DON'T ask her to meet you for coffee yet; that's too fast, and will make her uncomfortable. Ask if she's coming to the next one. Like to knit? Find classes or get-togethers at the local yarn shop. Take cooking classes, volunteer at your local hospital, or do whatever reflects your interests. And find those with similar interests.
You say you believe you're somewhat immature. What brings you to this conclusion? How do you feel this reflects on your present lack of friends? Did you have this feeling when you were in grade school or high school? Did you have close friends then? Is there any history of abuse in your life?
You ask what makes a friend to me, and what I'd like to see in a new neighbor. Believe me, not the same things! I've lived here for 23 years, and we have nice relationships with our neighbors, but it's the kind where we wave and say hello. I may or may not send a Christmas card. I'm a private person, and making friends with someone in such proximity to me is not comfortable. I like my personal space. Keeping a distance from neighbors is best to me. I do have a neighbor that's a bit further down the road, and we are good friends, but not overly close. I can call her any time, go on over any time, etc but we don't speak frequently.
What makes a friend for me? I'll tell you about my friend Joye. She loves horses, as I love horses. We had kids of the same age. She is compassionate, intelligent, and has a dry sense of humor. She listens. She tells the truth, but also knows when I'm not ready to hear something and will wait until the time is appropriate to let me know. She doesn't like antiques, or cooking, or nice wines (or even coffee!) like I do, but that doesn't change her charm. Her house is often a mess, but she's serene. She's a safe place to tell anything, but I still don't just let fly with whatever; I take care of her, too. We've been friends for 20 years, so I know what hurts her and what makes her happy, and I pay attention to that. I nurture her by letting her know when I see her do something great, let her vent when she needs to vent, and confide things in her that I couldn't tell anyone else. She does the same. BUT! she reads me and I read her, and we never ever EVER do anything to hurt the other; we take care of each other's feelings. I will also sense when she can't hear me vent because she has too much going on in her life to be able to take that.
I guess Joye is my Ethel. She lives within a couple of miles, and she knows she can stop by anytime. And sometimes she does. We call frequently; sometimes once a week, sometimes several times a day. We e-mail a lot, too. We both watch for each other's personal boundaries and take care of them. We both recognize the rights of the other to have a family life, and to do things different.
I don't know you well enough to say why 'nobody' wants to be your friend. I believe there's an inherent drive in those of our species to establish friendships, but finding them and maintaining them is a learned skill. Some people are more naturally skilled at it than others, but every single one of us can learn. Look to yourself, do an inventory. Are you sometimes too loud? Too needy? Too pushy? Too silly? Do you get nerdy, have problems fitting in? After you love and accept yourself, you can begin to address these sorts of things objectively. It's okay; we've all been there at one time or another, and needed to reshape ourselves to be more what we want to be.
I know this has been really long, and I apologize for that. But please also know that only a friend will tell you the truth, and still want to help you grow. Put me in that camp, too.
"What another would do as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself, and there, make yourself indispensable." ---Andre Gide |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 06:13:15 AM
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Wow - Mary Ann I want you for a friend! You really made some wonderful points. You summed it up perfectly, sensibly, and with honesty and love.
I have been able to make friends and be a friend more easily as I grow older. The older I get the more I love my girlfriends! And when you truly care and love someone, they sense it and are not afraid. I have learned to offer a friendly and safe hand to people around me and then let them come to me. Then the give and take begins, and you can build on that steadily but not too quickly. Trust and love take time. Friendship happens when we are taking care of others in some way.
Rose Marie, perhaps that is why the people at the nursing home love you.
"Sell cleverness and buy wonder" |
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SmallTownGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
117 Posts
Rose
USA
117 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 09:02:26 AM
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Rose Marie I know how you feel. After high school all my friends moved off to college and I found it hard to make friends at college. I really clung to my Fiancé for friendship. I try real hard to make friends but it always seems that no one wants a new friend. I tried joining everything but people already clung to their friends at the events. My Fiancé blames himself for me not having any friends, but I don't know why. I get very lonesome for friends now; I think that's why I love this forum. I would love to email you some time, just email me because I can't find your info.
Remember what you now have was once among the things only hoped for. |
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sqrl
True Blue Farmgirl
605 Posts
Melissa
Northern California
USA
605 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 09:58:27 AM
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Such wisdom here. Everything is so well said and speaks right to my heart. I'm a very friendly person and I have my girlfriends only we all live very far apart so we don't see eachother but may be once a year. I feel like I've grown a little away from them but they'll aways be my sisters.Since I moved away from home I've only made a couple of good friends. But my Grandmom always said you only need couple of good friends. My bestest friend is DH and I never get tired of hanging out with him but, sometimes I feel like I'm lacking in the girlfriend department and feel like I'd really want to do something girly. So I wide up dragging him along or doing it myself. So I understand girlfriend are important. I feel like once I settle down and stop moving around I'll find them. It has to be natural and just happen, that's how the best relatioships happen.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com
www.smallsqrl.blogspot.com
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 10:16:27 AM
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Rose Marie,
Everyone has said true and thoughtful things to you. It can be hard in this day and age. I've lived in my new town for amost 7 years and just in the past year have really found some ladies with similar interests and that I feel comfortable with. It's not easy to make true friends these days. Everyone seems so busy and involved in their own lives, but maybe if you can join a group or participate in activities that you really love, you will meet like minded people and find a friend there. I met my gal pals at the gym and found that the other two also love crafting and getting together for coffee and talking. It's not always easy cuz we all work full time and have spouses and one has a small child, but we do the best we can. Please feel free to email me if you like.
Debbie
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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Rusty pins
True Blue Farmgirl
91 Posts
Paula
Oelwein
Iowa
USA
91 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 10:28:21 AM
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Dearest Rose Maire......you sound like such a sweet person. I'm just sure we'd hit it off! ;o)
Just one bit of advice......don't try so hard. It's like finding a boyfriend.....they always come along when you least expect it. AND.....ALWAYS just be yourself! If smiling and giggling is something you like to do...then so be it. Just be who God made you to be darlin' and friends shall gather around you. God never makes mistakes!!!! :o)
Big HUG!!!!
Paula ;o)
"Life shall judge us harshly enough. Let us at least be gentle with each other."
http://www.rustypinsandoldlace.com/
'Antiques & HandMades for your heart and your home.' |
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junebug
True Blue Farmgirl
2421 Posts
Sue
West Plains,
Mo.
USA
2421 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 12:14:28 PM
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Hi Rose Marie and welcome to the group!! I have to agree with all that was said already esp. what Mary Ann added, so true and well said. I lost my Ethel a few years ago, we had been friends for almost 30 yrs. and even though we lived states apart, we would still talk once a week and send cards for EVERY occasion. I miss her terribly, but am in no hurry to replace her. My other close friends don't live close by, but I have a close relationship with my two daugher in laws and it makes up for the girlie friends, plus this forum is wonderful for filling in the gaps. I second the motion about not trying so hard and being yourself, all in due time! Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself, just look at all the farm girlfriends you have now!! Hugs!
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
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rosebud74a
True Blue Farmgirl
109 Posts
Stacy
Maryland
NY
USA
109 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 12:30:55 PM
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I have felt like you have many times over...I have always felt like the outcast, and could never understand why. I have had several conversations with my husband about why I don't have friends. Mary Ann has good advice in being comfortable with your self and loving and accepting your self. I think that is the point I came to, and it helped me immensly
I recently met a friend who has changed the way I look at the world, I can't say enough about the good that she has done for me. She has become my Ethel. I wasn't looking for her, I had long since given up on the prospect of having a close friend. She has so many frineds I have wathced her and learned so much about social interactions. We are so different, yet so alike, and she accepts me for my dorky self...lol. Love yourself first and the rest will follow! HUGS!!
Stacy
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
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theherblady
True Blue Farmgirl
510 Posts
Jan
Glasford
Illinois
USA
510 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 1:06:27 PM
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Oh Rose Marie~~ I never had a "true" friend until about 2 years ago when I found my bestest friend...We have everything in common and love the same things. I love her like a sister and she feels the same about me...She knows me...with all my faults...and I dont have to be something I'm not..She accepts me for who I am..
But alas-her DH transferred jobs and they had to move away.We take turns getting together but-it isnt the same...and of course, we are busy with our own lives, jobs, families.
Be true to yourself...dont try to "fit-in". Do what you enjoy and makes you happy~~
I have never had so many "friends" as on this forum...I feel like I know so many of the farmgirls here~~I wish I lived closer and we could all get together..but, it is sure great to be able to talk and laugh and share together...even if it is thru email..
Keep smiling~~~~
Hugs Jan |
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Rosenwalt
True Blue Farmgirl
77 Posts
Rose Marie
NY
77 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2006 : 4:24:58 PM
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So here I was the other day blatting and pouting cuz I have no friends.
Now here I sit with my little eyes puddling again because you have all been so nice, so gracious, so caring, so inspiring. I just don't know truly where to begin to thank you all.
I typed a long response and just erased it all cuz it was too lengthy! But really, thank you all much. I'm going to refer to this page often.
And when we get our first cow for our One Cow Farm, I'm naming her Ethel in honor of everyone here!
God Bless you all and your loved ones! That's the best I can say to you.
Rose Marie,
Central New York
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2006 : 11:13:14 AM
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ROse Marie,It is good to hear some cheer back in your voice. There truly are some wonderful ladies here, and though we are living all over, friendships can still be formed. My best friend lives in Arkansas and I am in Oregon. I haven't seen her since 1997, but the friendship is just as strong. So,my dear, hugs to you and keep smiling!!!
Your friend, Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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MichelleTN
True Blue Farmgirl
118 Posts
Michelle
TN
USA
118 Posts |
Posted - Mar 18 2006 : 8:16:17 PM
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Rose Marie,
Bless your heart, my heart hurts for you!!
I have found the best way to make friends when moving to a new area is join clubs for what you like to do, for example a book club if you like to read, Quilt Guild if you quilt, that is the quickest way to find people with like interests. And in my experience friends with the same interests are the ones I enjoy my time with most!
My best friend lives several states away and for me that is sad, we are missing so much of each others lives.
Good luck to you, Michelle
(((((Rose Marie))))
http://tangledthreadsandknottedyarn.blogspot.com/ |
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Across the Fence: How to Make and Keep Friends |
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How to Make and Keep Friends
