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Family Matters:  Family matters- need some advice-Long!  |
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LakeOntarioFarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
933 Posts
Brenda
North Rose
NY
USA
933 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 05 2009 : 7:01:04 PM
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I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but since it's family related, I guess this is a good spot. You girls always give everyone such good advice, I figured you could maybe help me out.
I hate family conflicts. I am the one who always avoids them at all costs.
I was so excited because this weekend I had been planning to make a long drive to my mom's home town to see the one cousin that still lives there and her daughters and grand daughters. Her sister(who is my best friend) is also driving there a long distance. We were so excited to meet up and see each other since we don't get together too often.
It's also a sort of "business" trip for me as I am my family's historian and I have research to do.
Anyways, the cousin(Ellie) I was going to stay with has always had something against me. I mean, this goes back to when we were little, and we would visit. There were 5 of us girls pretty close in age. Ellie is 2 years older than me, a pretty big difference when you're young, but her sister Barb(my best friend) was 4 years older than me. There was also Susie(one year older than me) and Sara(one year younger than me). Well, it was always a competition to see how Ellie could keep me away from Sara, but especially Susie. If I was playing with a doll, she would take it away with "that's mine, you can't have it". If I was staying at their house, her mom would give me clothes that Ellie had grown out of, for me to wear, and Ellie would always throw a fit. Once, I was given a sweat shirt from the school my mom went to, and Ellie threw such a temper tantrum that her little brother came to me and gave me his sweatshirt! 
So anyways through the years I just put up with her mean spirit towards me, and played with Sara. After I became an adult, was when Barb and I became so close. I would go up to see family, and Ellie would tolerate me, there were times when she was fine. Her mom and dad died about 8 and 10 years ago, and my mom could not go up for her sister's funeral because of blizzards, so of course Ellie was angry about that. Over the years she has reminded me more than once of our grandmother who was a very mean, cruel woman until shortly before she died. As her sister Barb put it "Ellie's always mad about something or other"
So.... Barb calls me tonight and says she's looking forward to seeing me on Friday, but there's bad news. Ellie says I can not stay at her house and have to stay in a hotel! I asked why, she said it was something that my mother had done to Ellie a few years ago!!!  I just couldn't believe it. I was fuming! I have no idea what it even is that my mom did, and am at a loss as to how that makes me the bad guy here.
Now, I am a person who very rarely gets angry. I just let things roll off me, and try to work things out. I have never had any enemies(that I know of!) and really just like to get along with people. I was so angry I picked up the phone, but of course Ellie had her answering machine turned off, knowing that I would call her. I talked to my daughter about it, yelled some more, and finally got through to Ellie's answering machine, where I left a very strong(not threatening, didn't swear) message about what a brat she was, and that I had never done anything to her, and that if anyone had a right to be mad, it was me after the way she treated me all these years.
That was it. I didn't say what I really wanted to, because my daughter reminded me that in this day and age, anything can be construed as harassment. I want to write her a letter, but I know she will probably tear it up. What I really want to do is to call her every day and yes, harass her. Sigh... but I won't. Mostly because we can't afford for husband to bail me out of jail if I get arrested.
I am still planning on going on this trip. My daughter is now going to come with me, because no one wants me to stay in a hotel by myself in that town. I feel bad for dragging her on a trip that could have been fun, but will now be fraught with stress. I could just go for a day trip, but it would be a very long day.
So, here's the thing. I want to see my cousins' daughters while I'm up there. They grew up with my girls and are very dear to me. I would like to bring them a couple of bushels of apples from the trees next to us. I am afraid though, that I will run into their mother at one of their houses. I know I wouldn't be the one to start something, but I'm afraid Ellie would. Of course, I could just give the apples to Barb to pass on to the girls.
Would you go see them, or not?
The other thing is, I don't know if I should tell my mom what's going on or not. She's going to ask me next week, how Ellie is, it would be hard to hide the fact that I didn't stay there without lying. But, if I tell my mom what happened, she could do something pretty rash. She's 77, and not in the best of health right now. To tell the truth, Ellie is a lot like my mom, temper wise, I would hate for Ellie to answer the phone if my mom did call her and upset my mom so bad, it harms her. I am leaning towards just going ahead and lying and not saying anything.
What would you all do about this?
I will be talking to Barb at length about this when I see her. I feel bad for her because she's in the middle. Ellie is the only sister she has. Their only brother died years ago, and of course their parents are both dead.
Ugh! As I said, I hate conflict and especially family conflict. I grew up with enough conflict on that side of the family, I guess it is just never going to stop.
Thanks for any advice girls, and it really helped to get this all out!
I just scrolled up and realized how long this was! Sorry, I guess this is the entertainment for tonight!
Brenda
FarmGirl # 711
http://theviewfromhere-brenda.blogspot.com/ |
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Miss2Missus
True Blue Farmgirl
407 Posts
Karen
Asheville
NC
USA
407 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2009 : 7:13:30 PM
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Oh Brenda that's a tough one. I would say since it is so soon after the incident perhaps it would be better to just pass the apples on to them, or to have your daughter go with you so it doesnt seem like you are doing it to spite her.
Also, i would be honest with your mother. I think she has a right to know. Not to mention it was even more rude that your cousin didnt have the decency to call you herself and let you know.
I know what family drama is. And its hard. You dont want to lose touch with some people but you dont want to make it worse. In the end you have to ask yourself if it came to it would you rather lose touch with people or get in a fight?
Good luck, hun.
Karen ^_^
http://apple-and-eve.blogspot.com/ |
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Autumn Leaves
True Blue Farmgirl
463 Posts
Jennifer
Northern
California
USA
463 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2009 : 7:36:42 PM
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What a bummer, so sorry your "fun" time is now over shadowed by this. I agree with Karen.. be truthful with your mom. She should know the circumstances of your visit. Maybe you could let the girls know you'll be in town and invite them to meet you & your daughter for dinner at a nice place. Try and have a good time despite the mess!! I'll be thinking of you.
Warm Wishes
Jennifer
Never let yesterday use up too much of today - Will Rogers
http://jenscountrylife.blogspot.com |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2009 : 11:14:09 AM
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You guys are so much nicer than I am 'now'. From what I get from Brenda's story is that Ellie has ran her life from afar. It's one of those family stories where no one wants to upset someone because they are family. At this stage, even tho you don't want to confront Ellie, I'd say you have to get tough and lay it on the line. Ellie sounds a bit of a nut case to me, she's mad at you cuz of something your mother did year ago?? Hello? How sane is that??
Like the others, be truthful with your mom. The truth shall set you free. Pass the apples to Barb and then try to have some fun, putting Ellie out of your mind. It'll be hard cuz you do want your family to get along but in the great picture, they are regular people too and if she's willing to be mean to you, you need to mirror her and put some shame back on her.
I don't mean to sound mean but the best advice I've EVER received from someone about family drama was 'Grow a spine'. Believe me, once you can get there, the family drama will cut down quite a bit as they know they can't buffalo you anymore. Easier said than done but better late than never!!
Thinking of you!! :-)
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
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AmethystRose
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Rosemary
Huntingdon
PA
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2009 : 8:25:11 PM
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Brenda, I must be misunderstanding something here. If Ellie has always been unfriendly to you,and even her sister recognizes it, why are you expecting her to put you up in her home?
If you have already told your mother that you are staying there, then you must tell her that you're not. You don't have to give her the whole story, that only adds fuel to the fire, adds more conflict and makes you as bad as Ellie. Just tell her that there wasn't enough room, or that you wanted your privacy.
It seems like "the party" will be wherever you and Barb are together, so plan to meet somewhere for dinner, or take goodies to your hotel room for a long chat. Take your apples for Barb to distribute as a good will offering. Ellie is really the loser here.
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gr8tfulmom
True Blue Farmgirl
143 Posts
Sarah
South Haven
MI
143 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2009 : 05:48:46 AM
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Oh that's tough. It seems like with family drama you just can't win. Our drama is because I have a spine and won't take crap - the crap throwers really don't like that. In the end you just have to be yourself and follow your heart/little voice and make the best of it. In spite of the cloud I hope you have a good visit with the rest of your family.
Good Luck,
Sarah
http://symbioticstitches.blogspot.com/ |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2009 : 06:04:52 AM
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To be honest, I wouldn't even go. You said yourself that it will be a stressful time.Why put yourself through that? Just skip it and stay home. Go have some fun with your daughter or friends .
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2009 : 2:25:52 PM
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ok I haven't read all the replies. But, we all have a cousin/aunt/family member like this.
I didn't understand them for the life of me. But, from Dr. Phil, I have finally figured out they have a mental illness. No amount of us talking to them etc will ever help them. (they need mental help from a dr!).
So I would go see her daughters, poor things probably know their mom all to well and probably themselves have to walk on eggshells around her!
If your cousin was to show up, simply let them know you enjoyed your visit with them (the girls) and you have to be on your way now.
You get to choose how you will feel, it's up to YOU if your trip is ruined, not up to Ellie!
Do not try to force your way into Ellie's life any more. Have fun with your healthy relatives, and do not focus on Ellie. If some day she gets help (highly unlikely) and gives you a call to apologize, accept and move on. Otherwise, just move on with your life with our Ellie in it. IE don't plan on ever staying with her, or calling her etc. Instead invest in the healthy family members you DO have in your life that love you!
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2009 : 08:32:17 AM
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OMG I'm so sorry the happy trip has turned into this! Lots of good advice given here,but I am confused about your staying with the very relative who has treated you so badly for years. I'm with Winona and CountryBorn-I'd just cancel the trip altogether. Be honest with your mom,and start making perameters for yourself. For someone to make you pay for what your mom allegedly did sounds like someone with a few screws loose. For my own safety,no way would I stay in her house. I've been guilty in the past of tolerating waay too much from other "relatives" for the sake of "keeping peace" and because it was "family"-esp when it came to my mom. All it ever got me was having to handle a lot of stress,put up with people I couldn't stand and the guarantee I'd be putting up with even more in the future with a silent tongue. (mom passed 7 years ago & I no longer play that game for anybody!!!) My thoughts are with you.....
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fingerpickin Farmgirl #702 |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2009 : 10:25:22 AM
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This is really something. It is really sad that families do this, mine included. Life is so short. I'd say, put a smile on your face, pray about it, and have fun. Ignore those who bother you. If confronted, speak what's in your heart. There is alot of great advise given here. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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LakeOntarioFarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
933 Posts
Brenda
North Rose
NY
USA
933 Posts |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 05:36:39 AM
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Thanks girls for all the helpful advice and thoughts!
I did go, and had a wonderful time with my cousin Barb and my daughter. We tramped through old grave yards in the rain, went to a museum, saw some sights, and just generally had fun. And, the next daughter dd and I spent at Alexandria Bay, one of my favorite places!
I did receive a letter from Ellie yesterday. It was very sad really. She needs some therapy. She is still resenting the fact that her parents and brother died young, and that my mom was not able to get up their for her(Ellie's) mom's funeral. And, she is angry for Barb for "leaving her" when their mom first got sick. I do understand that. I still fail to see though why she took it out on me. And, why she didn't call or tell me this in person, instead of telling Barb to tell me she was mad, and that she took my phone number out of her phone, so I could never call her again!
The letter was very disjointed, there are some issues that just don't make sense.
Now, I just feel bad for her, I really pray she will get the help she needs. Maybe some day we can patch this up.
Thanks again girls! :)
Brenda
FarmGirl # 711
http://theviewfromhere-brenda.blogspot.com/ |
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AmethystRose
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Rosemary
Huntingdon
PA
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Oct 14 2009 : 10:34:09 AM
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| Brenda, thanks for letting us know about your weekend. |
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Family Matters: Family matters- need some advice-Long! |
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Family matters- need some advice-Long!
