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Family Matters:  Can't help but feel like SHE'S the lucky one!  |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 09:24:20 AM
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I'm really trying hard not to feel jealous and resentful, ladies. It's about my SIL--I adore her, I love her children and I think she's a wonderful mom. She's a stay at home mom, the kids are in preschool and no other activities, and she's training for a marathon. So, when she posted on her family blog last week a "vent" about not having any time to herself because she's a wife, a mom, a chauffeur, breaker-up-of-fights, "cook", etc...I felt a little twinge of resentment. See, our life is different--we have a baby, but I have to work full time--I carry our benefits (though sucky as they are)...my husband also works, but mostly nights, so he spends days with our little one. We are really blessed that way, that she is cared for by her daddy when I'm not around, but lately I've been feeling resentful when I see mothers walking around with their babies in strollers midday (while I'm watching them from my work window) and resentful that I don't have THAT quality time with her, or any time...for anything it seems. Period. It's not that I don't have time for myself...I really could care less about that--it's that I can NOT complete a task. I can't get the laundry folded, I can't get the dishes done, I can't take my baby for a walk in the stroller until the weekend, because, it's getting dark! But, also, because after work during the week, I fight traffic to our home and often have to run to Target or the grocery or some other place to get the household items we need, or to the Petstore for cat/dog food, or just something that interferes with being a mom. Just being a mom. So, when I read that blog posting, I was miffed. I thought. "At least you get to spend time with your children and do wonderful things--at least you get to pick them up from school and make cupcakes on Thursday." At least you can run errands while their in school, and clean your house when they're not around. And cook dinner for your husband that's not something thrown together without thought. At least you have time to shave your legs.
I know. ALL mother's have it rough, whether they stay at home or they work full time--I just feel like she's very lucky. And I KNOW I'm lucky--I still have a job, I have a beautiful child and husband, and we (somehow) manage to pay our bills...but I think I'd kill for just a week of her life.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Betty J.
True Blue Farmgirl
1403 Posts
Betty
Pasco
WA
USA
1403 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 09:37:53 AM
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Well, Jonni, be glad you have a job (which you are) and glad to have a husband (daddy) willing to take care of your little one. I'm sorry you have to work full time and are not able to be a SAHM. We all have envy in our lives. My children's father wanted to "be happy" and so left when my sons were 3-1/2 and 11 months. He is not even in their lives any more, sorry to say. I had to work full time and then be the mommy/daddy the rest of the time. It's not easy. I guess what I'm saying is to be happy for what you have and not what you don't have and that is difficult in itself.
Betty in Pasco |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 09:56:37 AM
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Oh Jonni! That is hard. I can certainly feel your frustration. It's harder to be the working parent when they are little like Violet is too I think. Once they are in Preschool they are gone for part of the day anyway so I think you feel like you aren't missing as much because you would already be missing it no matter what (Does that even make sense?). *hugs* Maybe the bolt of good fortune will strike you and some how you will win the lottery or something and get to stay home with Violet! Until then, you are doing an awesome job of being a mommy for Violet! *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 11:04:30 AM
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Jonni- I have been on both sides. When I was a full time SAHM, I got the "Wow, you are so lucky. You must have it easy...blah, blah, blah..." Lest they knew I was taking 4 online college classes, dealing with a chronically sick child and the impending deployment of my husband. Also the fact we didn't have the money to even enjoy a night out, nor a babysitter and forget about getting back into my skinny jeans. I was overwhelmed and felt very jealous of working women, who seemed to have it all.
Then I got a full time job, was still going to school, the kiddo was growing but now a whole new hosts of normal toddlers tantrums started and Scott was gone for 1.5 years in a straight row. I was overwhelmed and felt very jealous of those SAHM's, who seeemd to have it all.
What helped me get back on track?? Realizing what works for ME and nevermind everyone else. I enjoy working, in fact, I crave work..it is how I have been since I was 15...work, work, work...and for a brief moment I panicked when Charlie was born. Was I being a horrible mother not doting on him 24/7? My gosh, was he thriving like he was supposed too and my gosh, what if he doesn't get into UT and play for the Longhorns???? ANd forget about planning for his wedding...lol...you see, I was too over analyzing things. I have my moments of jealousy and I try to honor them. Then I can move on.
I have had to give up a lot to be a working mom---Martha Stewart, I am not. If I had to get the rolled cookie dough to make coookies, so be it, if my house has been cleaned in 3 weeks, so be it, I am a driven woman and I am living MY Dream now..that is not selfish, in fact, it is a great example for Charlie. It's the moments you have that matter, not how much time. I could spend all day staring at Charlie but would he be better for it??? I really don't think so. Love and hugs...that is all you need...the rest is just material.
I have worked out a system for getting as much done as I can, as far as the mundane tasks of life that keep the walls from crashing down around here...email and I will send it off to you...I realized, at 35, certain things don't matter anymore and I am just living...no matter if I am a SAHM or working Mama...my cowgirl hat is off to you~!!! (((HUGS))) YEE HAW!!!!
Heather
http://somewheredownintexas-heather.blogspot.com |
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KayB
True Blue Farmgirl
540 Posts
Kay
Del City
Oklahoma
USA
540 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 11:16:58 AM
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Oh, Betty, been there, done that. My daughter's daddy took off before I even knew for a fact that I was pregnant and I got the divorce when she was 2 months old. Didn't remarry for 7 years, but then still had to work. At one point I was sole support with a hubby and 3 kids because he was ill and died after 15 years of marriage. So, my kids grew up with a working mom and once told me they wouldn't know how to act if I got to stay home. Actually, for 9 years I was active duty Army and life was interesting. But, when it comes to your kiddles, you do what you gotta do. I missed a lot of things, but my kids know I loved them dearly. By the way, when I got divorced from #1 DD daddy, I was working for the welfare office and decided they couldn't pay me enough to stay home, so I just kept working.
KayB
Life's a dance you learn as you go |
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Nancy Gartenman
True Blue Farmgirl
9092 Posts
Nancy
West Seneca
New York
USA
9092 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 11:37:31 AM
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Jonni,
Who knows maybe your SIL is jealous of you. We never know what goes on in another person's life. Only what they want us to see. So many working Mother's out there now, I guess a big PLUS is you don't have to deal with a costly day care and wonder if they are doing their job. And lets remember you are married to James Dean!
NANCY JO
www.Nancy-Jo.blogspot.com |
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 11:40:29 AM
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I hear ya Jonni. I was a SAHM for 8 months.....when I had to go back to work..It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I was resentful against everyone. I was angry with myself, my husband, the sitter I took my Zach to everyday, my boss...I was unhappy about the hole thing....I was even mad b/c I felt like the house was falling behind and I couldnt catch up on anything. Then one day...I said, I have got to change something...the unhappiness I was wearing on the outside of me and I needed to find a way to let it go. I made myself find a positive about everything I could in my life. And I did, and it helped me refocus my negative energies into good thoughts about myself and my situation.
I know you are not fustrated with your situation or anything...but more so her outlook on life. I hope she will realie how lucky she is... Lots of moms would want to be her too.
Sure I wish I could be a SAHM and have it be all about Zach and the house all day....but it reality....I'm not that type of person. I need to work and stay busy. I want a career. and we need to eat! LOL! Zach gets good care and is enjoying the company of others at his daycare [as over priced as it is...LOL]... My boss is pretty dang flexible about things and DH helps with the house at every opportunity and also with our son. I want Zach to see and understand us and our resposibilites in life. This is us.
We are lucky. :)
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 12:31:08 PM
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It's not that I'm I have to work--we both agreed that this was the better way to go. More money, and more security and this way, she wouldn't be in daycare, but with my husband or her nana. But, there's just that nagging thing in me that feels like I'm missing so many things. And, I know that I'm not the only one...And, it's not that I'm not thankful (as I mentioned in the last paragraph of my post)
I know it's never easy being ANY kind of mom, sahm, working..But, I just wish she would re-read her words a little...but then, all her friends are also in the same boat (affluent, children in pre-school, seemingly no cares)...I just feel like it will be a miracle if I can have a house that's clean enough for Violet to crawl in. Right now, I feel defeated around every curve, and it's difficult for me to see how "stressful" things are for her. I know I sound rotten, because folks have it much harder than I do. And, I'm pretty sure most mothers go through some of this. I didn't really think anything remotely "poor me!" until I reread her blog posting again. And, obviously, it was a little stinging.
I like to work...I do...but I do miss my little girl. And I don't want to stay home everyday, but I'd love to take some random Tuesday and go to the aquarium, or just sit at home and roll around on the floor with her.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 1:57:54 PM
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Jonni-
I have been on both sides of that spectrum. When I was working when Tori was little, I always felt like I was missing the best time of her being a baby and never felt like I was normal. I couldn't take her and do whatever I wanted even staying home required working from home.
Now that I am home full time, I have days where I wish I could be at work. I love working, I love people, and somedays there is nothing I wouldn't give to have conversations at a level higher than a 3 and 4 year old.
The important thing is that you know in your heart that you are doing what is best for you and your little family. No matter what anyone else is doing or how carefree someone else seems, if you lived their lives or walked a few steps in their shoes, you could never be truly happy because it isn't what you know is best for you 3.
I am sad that you have to struggle with these feelings, because I know how hard and very real they can be.
In another way, I am glad that you are, because I know once youve come to the spot where you whole heartedly see in your life that what you are doing, is what is exactly perfect for YOU!! :D
hugs
Jessie
People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
www.messiejessie2.blogspot.com |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 3:23:42 PM
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Jonni, I think all of us go through this. It's normal to feel that way sometimes. If you work, then you wish you could stay home, if you stay at home, you wish you could work. I think its just the natural progression of things. They both have their good and bad points. If a woman really enjoys work and doesn't do it then that can cause some real stress and unhappiness. I know my daughter struggles with this. Her kids are bigger now (Almost 12 and 16) so its not so hard. But she loves to work and as I have mentioned she is a nurse going on to be an RN. It requires working or school (one day both) everyday of the week. She regrets not being able to see them as much and when she does she still has to do homework. But the thing is so do they and they are starting to develop their own lives too. She has me and that has been a big source of support and relief for her. She knows that she doesn't have to worry about them when she can't be there. I have taken care of them since they were 4 months old. I love doing it and the kids are anything but unhappy. With Jason watching Violet that makes a big difference for you to. I am sure. He loves it and Violet is happy as a lark. Don't feel guilty or deprived. You are a wonderful Mom and you are with her everyday, plus you have the weekends. What a lucky lady you are to have a husband who really wants to do this and enjoys it! Alot of them don't. All you can do is make the most out of the time you do have with her. As she gets older it will become much easier for you. I promise it will.
Hugs MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 6:52:31 PM
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Jonni, I was both, a stay at home mom and I worked at the same time. Thats the joy of owning and working your own ranch/farm. I worked 10-12 hours aday sometimes more, with my babies in a sling, against my chest. I breast fed in the barns, coops and corrals, and during milking. I have gotten up at 4:30 am or earlier , it seems all my life. When they were too big for the sling, and still toddlers, I drug a play pen around with me to keep them in when it wasn't safe for them to toddle. I also had the best nanny dog in the world, he would guard, console and break up quarrels. I changed more diapers in my lap than I want to remember, ( I raised 4). My husband and I went to the movies, if we could, maybe twice a year. I probally missed some great firsts and some wonderful pics along the way, but I did what I still do now, work on my ranch/farm, only now its along side my youngest son, his wife and their son, my grandson. My husband worked off our place most of our married life 6 days aweek, but that was just the way it was. I would have never changer anything. Just be careful what you wish for, its not always what you really want or need.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Calico Countess
Farmgirl in Training
16 Posts
Christie
Bow Island
Alberta
Canada
16 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2009 : 8:29:58 PM
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Hi Jonni,
I too have been on both sides of the fence. There are frustrations to both being a SAHM and a working mother. There are guilt trips for both as well, and then there are times you just need to vent because you feel like you are standing in a big, steaming pile of poo and either need to vent or go crazy. Don't take it personally. I can't help think of something my mom has often said during situations like this....The grass is usually greener on the other side of the fence because there's a lot of B.S. to fertilize it and keep it so. ;-)
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful" ~ Mae West |
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wild daisy
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Madelynne
Billings
Montana
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Oct 03 2009 : 10:52:04 AM
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I think I was one of the lucky ones. I had both of my children 14 1/2 months apart. Got to stay home with the support of my husband for the first 5 years of their lives. I too felt at first that I needed more,like to work to help out my husband with the bills. Yet then I realized how much he would miss out too if I was not a home each day getting the things that needed to be done so that on the weekends we could do only family things. I mean things like camping, fishing, hiking or just a road trip to explore. I always made my husband part of the things we did when he was at work and I was at home with kids. Like the time we would go to the childrens' museum, the kids got to tell him about all the things they learned and played with.
Once they got in school and I started to work I was home in the mornings and my husband worked early enough to be home close to when they got home. There was even a time when I worked early and he worked later in the day. We still made time for the weekends to be a family and not have to clean the house or take care of the yard on the weekends. I know that Violet is not big enough to share all that she does with dad right now, be he can tell you. You might be missing out on somethings right now but wait until she can tell you her adventures. Remember always be open to talking with her and then you will able to share even more great moments.
Your sister might just need the same support that you need but in a different package. Let her know you feel her pain too. All mothers whether they stay at home or work need outside support too.
Madelynne
johnandmadelynne.blogspot.com |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2009 : 11:23:59 AM
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What Heather said.
Actually, I can't do one 24/7. Can't stay home all the time but don't like to be gone all the time either. In addition to what everyone else has said, I wanted to add, nothing is permanent. Just cuz it's this one today doesn't mean it won't change in the future to the other way.
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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HeatherAnn
True Blue Farmgirl
187 Posts
Heather
Rancho Cucamonga
CA
USA
187 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2009 : 08:07:10 AM
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oh jonni,
we all have our envious moments. I'm staying at home and sometimes I really want to pull my hair out. I envy ladies with older children, but I check myself many times a day and coo with my littlest and dance with my toddler.
anyways. I just want you to know I'm praying for you. I always take comfort thinking about women who work in fields with their babies strapped to their backs, because that's not me and by the grace of God I wasn't born into that. but there are millions of children who have grown up like that, and they aren't the worse for wear, they aren't serial killers, or rapists or suicidal. they are ok. and ours will be ok too. and if you love and are loveing toward your little one, your a step ahead of a lot people out there. take heart! try to set your sights on a few hours a week of just 'being' with your little one, just playing. Things like that really help me when I feel like the pressures around here are just going to choke me out.
Heather Ann
Apartment Farmgirl
"You got to look at all the good on one side and all the bad on the other and say 'Well, alright then.'" - Aunt Eller, Oklahoma
www.plumblossomknits.etsy.com |
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Family Matters: Can't help but feel like SHE'S the lucky one! |
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Can't help but feel like SHE'S the lucky one!
