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Holidays:  Holidays without loved ones.  |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 29 2009 : 9:36:29 PM
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It really hit me hard tonight that this will be the first holidays without my dad. My mom passed away when I was 19. Its really been a rough couple of years. We lost my brother in law 2 years ago at Thanksgiving, my brother right at at Christmas. Then an uncle. Then right after New Years this year my father. Add to that a few friends.
I have been really making myself busy with making Christmas gifts and preparing....I think because I know that as the day comes it will be harder and harder to remain motivated.
I dont want to be a downer to this area of the board....but I really need some good thoughts and advice. I have a three year old and I need this to be a good time for him. My grandmother dies on Christmas day in 1932 and it always haunted my father. I need to get to where I dont live by the anniversary's of these days.
Thanks for reading. |
Edited by - Roxy7 on Sep 30 2009 08:43:44 AM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2009 : 10:40:17 PM
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Robin- I think you mentioned the new focus- Focus on your three year old. I remember when I was little, Christmas was Magical. It was amazing. We would make hot cocoa and drive around town once the Christmas lights were on the houses. I remember loving to see the lights refelcted on the snow and ice. Really focus on making great memories for your kiddo. Making Christmas/Holiday Cookies, gingerbread cookies, picking out meaningful presents or making meaningful presents for friends and family. Maybe another good idea is acknowledge the losses that have happened by some memorial ornaments. Maybe you could have your three year old help you color and decorate some homemade frames and then put a picture of the loves ones in them and put them on a special place on the tree?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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StarMeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
940 Posts
T
MI
940 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2009 : 06:02:49 AM
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I agree with Alee....
holidays are always so hard for me too. (same reasons as yours...family passing right around those holidays in Nov/Dec) When you have a little one...it's so important to get it together. When my dad was so ill...and my husband was out of town...I hadn't the energy to do the usual cut-down-the-fresh-tree gig with the kids...it bothered them... But I got a small artificial tree and we "built" it together, then decorated together, and still played the holiday music, ate cookies (we'd baked together) and drank hot cocoa. I was NOT in the mood. I wanted to just crawl into bed...I was so tired and sad. But looking back, I realize that I too, needed some "routine" and "tradition". Now, that they are older.... they remember that. I was so stretched...to just take time out for that simple thing was so necessary. It's a little bittersweet, but that's OK. There are no highs without lows. And we can sleep through it...or we can breathe through it. :-)
I'm "alone" now too. Having lost both my parents and my younger brother. (My Mom and my MILdied a week apart several years back...both of lung cancer. Now THAT was a toughie.) My grandparents are gone as well. If you would like to talk at me...email. I'll listen. I am so sorry for your losses. They do tend to pile up as we get older. And they can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Get a copy of the Chipmunks Christmas music...it's hard to be sad when you hear those squeaky little voices singing a carol!!! And your 3 year old will love it!!!
Remember to be gentle with yourself too! --StarMeadow |
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knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2009 : 07:41:26 AM
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great advice! It takes time to get to where the "anniversary day" doesn't ring so loud in your head.It does happen tho. Do focus on the little one & spreading cheer-those who have went on don't want you to be all bummed out during the holiday season (or any other time) My mom told me many times that I helped her enjoy Christmas again after her mom passed (grandma was buried on Dec 24th-talk about difficult memories!) I was only 2 when this happened so I have no recollection of it. Continue to create new ways to enjoy the holiday season!
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fingerpickin Farmgirl #702 |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2009 : 08:47:13 AM
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Thanks. Great advice. I need to establish some fun traditions with my son anyways. We love Christmas lights. I always have enjoyed seeing them and going to the displays. DS is getting old enough to help make cookies.
I want to share things with my son that I miss sharing with my own mother who died long ago. Its time to start.
I knew others here have walked in these shoes and would have advice. Thanks ladies! |
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Lainey
True Blue Farmgirl
2401 Posts
Elaine
Waco
Kentucky
USA
2401 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2009 : 08:21:34 AM
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Thanks for this topic Roxy. This will be my first holiday season without my Mom. She was one of the driving forces behind holiday plans in my life. This year I'm going to try and carry on the few traditions we had and will be thinking of her and how much she loved the holidays. We have a new baby cousin in the family and I think that will make us feel some better as we concentrate on making it a nice time for him. But still Mom will be in my mind as we go through the days.
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/
An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.' |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2009 : 08:46:42 AM
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This will be the 3rd Christmas with out my hubby, the holidays were some of his and mine favorite times. The first holidays without him were some of the worst days of my life, and my kids are grown, but I have a grandson who lives here on the ranch/farm with my youngest son and d-in-law, so I had to suck it up for him, and for my kids alittle too.But, who helped me thru that 1st Christmas the best was that grandson and he was only 4 1/2 yrs old then. He caught me crying and crawled up on my lap and told me that Grandpops was there with us and he was hugging us, and he knew this cause he saw him. He also said that Grandpops didn't want us to be sad cause this was Jesus's birthday and we HAVE TO BE HAPPY. Kids understand more than we realize and cope better than we do cause then simplify, and usually don't let things fester for years on end.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2009 : 11:15:15 AM
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You know my son "sees" Pawpaw. My dad died January 2nd and my little one didnt talk a lot then but was always able to call him Pawpaw. He talks about him all the time and points to where he says he sees him. My dad was my sons godfather as well. He loved my little boy and I know he gets visits from my mom and dad.
I know they are well in Heaven. I know they see and are still with us. I just miss holding them and talking to them. Keeping priorities is important and we are making plans for things to start doing with my little boy. I know that will help.
I have been making Christmas presents. It seems more important now than ever to show those loved ones in my life how much I care. A gift of my time and my heart seems like a good healing process and a way to share my sentiments with my family and friends.
Little ones definitely help at the holidays. |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2009 : 5:25:11 PM
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Hey Robin you are not alone in this. When my sons lost my grandmother, my father, my husbands father and their own dad all in one year I thought we all should just crawl in a hole and stay there for a bit. However, I took severall deep breaths and decided I had two young boys who needed to know that life does go on and it can be wonderful again. I am not saying it is easy but one of the first things I did was to donate our huge tree to a church that was just starting out. Then I went out and purchased three trees in graduated sizes. One for me, one for my oldest and one for my youngest. We then went thru all the ornaments and they picked out their favorites and decorated their own tree. Then each year we picked out a new ornament to celebrate something wonderful in their year. That way when they moved out which happened a couple years back they had a tree, ornaments and wonderful memories of the past with the one's who are no longer here and all the new wonderful memories we created together. Even now 13 years later after that horrible year we have lost more folks along the way but my son's now cherish everyday they are with those they love and look back at those who have passed with love not sadness.
Just know that I am here for you and your son if you every should need me. You do not walk alone.
Blessings and Hugs from another Colorado Gal...
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl
2474 Posts
Bonnie
Minneapolis
Minnesota
USA
2474 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2009 : 6:35:26 PM
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Oh girls, such sadness. I was feeling lonely because my children are in different states and won't be here for the holidays. But they are not truly gone. I have to make my own kind of Christmas without family. I try to give to others and invite folks who have no one. I am participating in Mary Janes Farm: make bread and an apron and give it to someone in need the day before Thanksgiving. Maybe we need to look at another's happy face as we give. Spread the love.
Bonnie
grandmother and orphan farmgirl |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 09 2009 : 8:15:49 PM
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Thank you Grace. I appreciate it.
Bonnie. Thats a great idea. |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2009 : 7:25:16 PM
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It is very hard to celebrate the holidays when you have lost someone you love. Especially the first years. My Grandma died on Christmas Day,my heart really wasn't in it for a while,but then I had my girls and my husband and parents and slowly we centered it all around the girls and that helped. We still had my parents and Tom's parents then too, so we had Christmas Eve at my MIL's and CD at my house. Then we came to the year that we lost our youngest daughter, that was horrible, then within a year and a half we had lost my Mom, my Dad both Tom's parents too. Again it was hard. I admit it took me a long while to get my spirit back, but guess what, along came my grand daughter and then my grandson and that really made a world of difference. I do think if you can focus on someone else it helps. It also helps to just let yourself enjoy the very simplest aspects of the holidays, the music, the feeling of good friends and family, the baking etc.. Plus do what makes you happy, if you don't feel like decking out the whole house don't, just put up your tree with the beautiful lights, or simple wreaths on the door,play the music and light the candles, things you don't feel overwhelmed by. I have cut way back on big time decorating just because I enjoy the more simple pleasures and it makes me feel so peacful and brings me joy to not have to go all out and put up alot of things that I really don't want. Does anyone else feel this way? Less just seems more to me at Christmas.I just seem to so enjoy all the basic little things of Christmas so much more now.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2009 : 11:23:39 PM
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Yes, I have this too since I lost mom and big brother within 4 months of eachother. And since my other bro lives in Thailand I have nobody to celebrate the holidays with either.
But I still put up my small Christmas tree and hang the cards I receive. I will go to church and then just see what I feel like doing. Maybe watch some tv or whatever I feel like. It has been tough since they passed away, but on the other hand it is supposed to be a happy time. So just TRY to do something fun with youir little one. Make some decoraqtions together and remember your loved ones with all the happy things you did together.
Will be thinking and praying for all of you girls
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 12 2009 : 06:05:43 AM
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| Thanks for sharing. Hugs to everyone. |
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maggie14
True Blue Farmgirl
6784 Posts
Hannah
Washington
USA
6784 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2009 : 07:56:49 AM
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I'll be praying that you have a wonderful Christmas Robin. We lost our grandpa last year and its always hard when the holidays come around. So now we have christmas dinner at our only grandma's house.
Hugs,
Channah
If you can dream it, and if you are willing to put forth the work and effort, you can have anything you envision. |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2009 : 08:24:14 AM
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My mum, grandma and great aunt are all gone now. My mum wasn't much for holidays, but my Granny and Great Aunt Kaleta were a couple of Texas ladies and loved a good holiday with us and always taught us to make the most of what we had and love the holidays for the warmth and love shared. I have a hard time too with out them. I'm trying to celebrate for the loved ones gone as well as the ones still with us. I completely understand Robin.
I'm childless and so don't have any little hands to help me and keep me distracted with things, so I usually bake tons of sweets and spend time on charities to keep the spirit going in my community.
Hugs and Blessings to you.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2009 : 3:32:06 PM
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Robin:
Holidays are rough without our loved ones around. To me, they are always around. I, too, lost my parents when I was young. I recently lost a sister to cancer. But, for the holidays whenever I get that lonely feeling, I chat with them, think about the happy days with them, and I always remember that one day I will see them all again. I keep myself super busy for the holidays so those sad feelings don't pull me under. Sometimes I have to give in to the tears. I usually get in the shower and cry like a big baby. I always feel 100% better after. Hope you holidays are not so sad. Take care, and God Bless.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2009 : 05:08:40 AM
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Thanks, I am making plans for things to do to keep busy.I know at times it will be hard....but I think that will be balanced with times of great joy.
Hugs. |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2009 : 06:46:45 AM
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Beemoosie
True Blue Farmgirl
2077 Posts
Bonnie
New York
USA
2077 Posts |
Posted - Nov 13 2009 : 3:09:57 PM
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Robin, Thanks for telling me about this topic. My father died suddenly in March of this year, followed by his 47 y/o sister, his uncle and then in August his mom (my grandmother)
Mom and I already decided we ARE celebrating Christmas b/c if we don't we never may again. Trees are going up, decking the halls and preparations made. It almost paralizes me to think of it, but I just think "one step at a time". I just remind myself that Dad loved mom, me & the kids would want us to keep on keepin on and definately celebrate the Lord. I have pretty much cried my way through everything this year so I know this won't be different. I also try to remind myself I am by no means the only one to go through this. Most everyone sees their parents leave this earth before them. That doesn't invalidate my grief...only lets me know I'm "normal" and will survive this.
So, I am rambling here. I apologize! But I guess I am saying that right at this moment, a month and a few weeks before Christmas, I plan on celebrating as usual albeit with many extra tears. I am 37 and have for the first time felt of being the "older" generation; time to step up and pass on to my kids and their generation the love that the generations before me passed down to me. Just hope you all don't mind me stopping by to cry on your shoulders once in a while!!
My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. Luke 1:46,47
www.beequilting.blogspot.com
http://beemoosie-picture-diary.blogspot.com/ |
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Roxy7
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Robin
Denver
CO
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Nov 14 2009 : 6:38:24 PM
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Bonnie,
Hugs to you. This will be a hard season. It never gets easy, but it does get easier. I still miss my mom....as I now miss my dad. I have gotten some very good acive from the gals here. I hope you benefit from it too. To not celebrate would break the hearts of those we miss. They dont want us to never be happy again. |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2009 : 4:48:24 PM
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This will be the first Thanksgiving without out my husband. He passed away last Dec, 5 days before my birthday and two weeks before Christmas. All my family will be at my house for Thanksgiving. It will be a full house. I am looking forward to it, yet I already feel very emotional. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday. Last year at this time he was so sick, that the day was spent quietly with my kids and new grandson. At one point my husband got out of bed to give a final 'talk' to the kids. It was a tough day. I know this year will be difficult as well, Christmas too, but God has been so faithful to my girls and I. I could not have gotten through this without Him.
I am grateful to this place where we can come and share our heart with each other. My prayers to all of you who will be going through this season time with heavy hearts. Hugs to you all.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine
#440
http://www.myfeetaredirty.blogspot.com/ |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2009 : 6:13:50 PM
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Julia, time will make it easier to accept their absence, it takes along time before it becomes less painful at the "date", especially at the holidays. I send you strenghtening hugs to help you cope, God bless you and all other that have lost their loves.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2009 : 10:28:07 PM
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Thank you, Teresa.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine
#440
http://www.myfeetaredirty.blogspot.com/ |
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cheneygal
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Suzie
Cheney
Wa.
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2009 : 9:15:27 PM
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Ten days ago I had tears streaming down my face as I was reading this thread...my heart goes out to each of you for your losses through the years. This week I am reading it for some insight...my hubby passed last Th. evening, Stage 4 lung cancer, diagnosed mid April, fortunately he didn't have alot of pain, and did not suffer terribly....I have been the sole Caregiver the last 4 mos. I am feeling guilty because I feel relief, of course, I miss him terribly, and yes, have been busy, but I'm going ahead with our plans to cook Thanksgiving and actually thinking about Christmas decorating also. The hospice soc. worker reminded me that I probably have been grieving for 7 mos., since he was diagnosed, (prognosis was not good from the beginning), that we had grieved together, and that also I had lived this 24/7. Am I wrong to be looking ahead, to be laughing, and enjoying things????? Of course, there are times of tears, and I know there will be many more....and I know I will be caught off guard also by this.....any input from you gals????
live, laugh, love |
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Holidays: Holidays without loved ones. |
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Holidays without loved ones.
