| Author |
Family Matters:  Need to vent...same ol', same ol'....  |
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 3:37:16 PM
|
You guys could probably figger out what this post is about without me even saying anything more than the subject line, now couldn't you??? 
I hate to even post anything cuz it just gets old but a little bit ago, hubby said something about his family that floored me yet again. I'm so down again. And, yep, they are coming for a freakin' visit. I can't leave for the wknd cuz my MIL and his daughter go thru my cabinets and mail, so I have to stay to watch out for things. I'm going to hide all personal stuff and may have to put a lock on our bedroom door, yes, they'll look in there too. Already have that T-shirt.
It's not just the visit that has me down but also he said he was working hard on the house just for them...not for us or even me, for them. That hit me in the solar plexus (sp?).
What the h*ll am I doing here?? I'm so down and on the verge of crying. Need some words of encouragement.
Winona
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 3:41:11 PM
|
I am so sorry that you have in-laws from hell, I think you need to put your foot down with these people and your husband, other wise it will only get worse.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
 |
|
|
gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 9:08:25 PM
|
Good Luck
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
|
|
|
dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 11:53:31 PM
|
Giving you a big cyber hug (((Winona)))) Hang in there girl. Keep all the private things under lock and key indeed AND put a BIG lock on your bedroom door. They MIGHT get the message "this is private stay the heck out!!"
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
My personal blog:
http://just-me-a-dutch-girl.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me and mine :)
|
|
|
|
Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 03:22:42 AM
|
Nothing like feeling trapped in your own home!
Shame you have to watch stuff like this
What are doin' staying "married" the this kind of white trash anyway?!?
Sorry that's a bit harsh but this is crazy for you!!
Here's a (((((((big hug from NC))))))))
Will any of them eve listen if you do put your foot down???? |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 07:29:05 AM
|
Winona- I am so sorry you are hurt. The snooping is horrible. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I wonder if you said each time they opened a drawer or door without you giving them permission "Excuse me, but it's not polite to snoop in other people's belongings. If you are looking for something you need, I would be happy to find it for you/direct you to it" if they would get embarassed and leave off?
As far as your husband, well I wonder if maybe that was one of those "I didn't mean that to sound so thoughtless, but I didn't mean anything hurtful by it" comments that can so often happen in a relationship of long standing? When my husband and I have company coming we both often are heard saying "We need to clean the house because so-and-so is coming." or "I'm cleaning the house for my grandmother" etc. Same with mowing the lawn\getting the random little repairs and upkeep things done. Of course we do it first and foremost for ourselves, but a family member coming kindof throws a mirror up in the face of our house and we realize the little things that we have forgotten to do.
Anyway, I hope that things get better. Maybe they will cancel the visit? *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
aunt boby
True Blue Farmgirl
173 Posts
toby
polo
illinois
USA
173 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 11:32:11 AM
|
A very smart lady told me a long time ago, if someone is getting under your skin and are totally volatile you should "Kill them with kindness!!". They might be purposely doing things to irk you. If at all humanly possible, slap a big fake smile on your face and act like it's the best darn weekend of your life. Maybe they would back off some if they see that their antics don't bother you. If that doesn't work you could always skip the "kindness" part and just...... I'm sorry, don't do that. We are kinda like your hubby. When we have a big event coming up or people are visiting it gets us a little more motivated to get things done around here that we have put off. Hang in there and keep us posted!!
POOR IS THE MAN WHO CANNOT ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE- anonymous |
|
|
|
homesteaderbelle
True Blue Farmgirl
391 Posts
Belle
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 12:45:59 AM
|
It is sad when a husband wants to do something, like fix the house up, just for the in-laws ans not for the sake that you live there.
I kind of know how that feels. My dad does it everytime one of his family members comes for a visit. He makes sure the grass is mowed and everything looks nice for his in-laws, not because his family lives there.
It is frustrating, I know.
That is awful about your inlaws! Why in the world would they go through your cabinets and mail? I have to say that is a bit rude of them.
That is just awful that they go through your personal belongings. You better watch your computer or they might go to the history and bring up this page and read it! But, maybe that would let them know how you are feeling.
To keep them out of your house, maybe you and your husband could take them somewhere other than your house, like out to eat, go for a picnic, or go on a walk.
I am sorry for you having to deal with that.
Belle
http://www.homesteaderbelle.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
Lessie Louise
True Blue Farmgirl
1406 Posts
Carol
PECULIAR
MO
USA
1406 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 08:44:38 AM
|
I cringe every time my MIL comes, nothing I do is ever good enough. That woman will not eat anything from my garden or my eggs because it is all "too country" like it's a dirty word. I tried killing her with kindness, didn't work. I try to be grateful because she raised such an awesomwe person, my husband, and that is ok for a while. Then she opens her mouth to say something and there it goes! Good luck with yours, I'll be thinking about you
how sweet it is to love some one, how right itis to care |
|
|
|
electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 09:23:24 AM
|
Oh goodness, I know the feeling of complete panic about people snooping in your stuff, my sister used to do that when she came to visit. It is so rude.
You are absolutely right to safeguard your belongings and your sanity. You can always tell them you have diarrhea and hang out in the bathroom with
a good book. Good luck!
Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 11:49:30 AM
|
Thanks for the support again. I know it gets old but actually, it's caused me to sit back and really, really look at this thru new eyes.
Yep, saying he's trash is a bit too rough, he's really not. In all else, he's fabulous, just can't think for himself when it's his family.
Right afterward, we had a 'discussion' and 'quite a bit of quiet' afterward. Then he spoke up and said he meant it like some of you guys have said. Just wanted the house to be nice and wasn't really thinking how it came out. (No, you think??) He went on later to say that he does everything for us, me especially NOW. Wasn't really that way in the beginning but now he's thinking of us and me first, or trying to. Old habits die hard, I know. Hubby seemed to be slightly flabbergasted that I had such a reaction to them and it's like he finally saw how bad/hard it is for me.
Now I feel bad about flying off the handle but, as above, old habits die hard, especially when I have to be on the defensive so much with his family. Just the THOUGHT of them coming here wigs me no end! I'll probably have LOTS of posts then!) I mean like maybe starting to drink again. Not really would I drink but it's enough to put panic in my heart. That feeling trapped, no getting away.
So, I guess I'll have to woman up and, like Alee said, 'be there' and when they get snoopy, say what she suggested. I will say that the one thing I did notice over the years (insight is soooo handy in these cases) that when I sort of ignore them, they seem to be a little nicer. When I try to be my normal, friendly self, THAT'S when they treat me badly. So, have to remember to keep the wall up a bit and eyes open!! I can put a password on my computer and that will keep them out. I hadn't thought of that but being pro-active.
Thanks again for your support!! You guys mean a whole lot to me and help me to see things that maybe I wouldn't see otherwise! Maybe I can do the same for you too, I try to.
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 11:53:50 AM
|
Oh, forgot to mention, I told hubby that if his dad kicks either of my mini-doxies again, I will bow up and let him have it. It's our house and I don't put up with animal abuse of any sort. At my in-laws house, we don't take the dogs in after he kicked both of them but this is MY house. I'm not sure how to deal with it exactly but kicking dogs of any sort will get you ejected from my house.
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
|
|
CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 8:15:52 PM
|
he kicked your doxies??? If anyone ever did that to my doxies they would be picking themselves up off the floor. I mean it. I'd throw their sorry butts out of my house so fast their heads would be spinning. I realize it was their house they did that in, but I'd of left right then and there. But, they'd of gotten a good piece of my mind thats for sure. I'd never of gone back.My husband would of totally flipped out too. I guess I am very out spoken when it comes to things like that, I will not take BS from anyone, never have never will. Maybe your best bet is just to stay as far away from them as you can(with your doxies lol)and let your husband deal with his family's visits. I usually don't say much about anyones personal business. But, when you said he kicked your babies, that did it for me!
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
|
|
|
AmethystRose
True Blue Farmgirl
254 Posts
Rosemary
Huntingdon
PA
USA
254 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 5:15:59 PM
|
| Would it create any problems with your husband if you tried to beat them at their own game? Leave notes for them in the places that you expect them to snoop....a rubber snake on your bed... |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
|
|
knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 8:05:03 PM
|
I swear,if anyone comes to my home & would be mean to either of my cats,out the door they go & they'd be banned off the property forever. Spouse,if I had one,be damned.
I think I'd like to mess with their heads. Give em something to find. Books of spells,voodoo books,etc.I mean I'd make sure there was enough stuff that it'd absolutely scare the living sh*t out of them. Bottles labeled Hemlock,Oleander,and Lobelia would be placed by the stove in the kitchen (safe cooking herbs in them,of course!) notes in drawers saying "what the hell are you doing in this drawer?" I also think I'd lay down the law with em. It's your house,and if they can't follow basic rules like staying out of your stuff then they'd be not only asked to leave,but it would be made clear that they aren't coming back. Ever. I don't mean this against your husband,but it doesn't sound like he's getting it entirely. I think it's time to be crystal clear about the fact you don't want them around for very valid reasons,& if he still doesn't get it,well,it's your life but this isn't sounding like a happy life for you. In fact I think I'd cancel their visit & tell hubby you've absolutely had enough of his family. He wants to see them,fine. He can go on his own & you'll be waiting for him when he returns. I know this sounds rough,but what you're putting up with on a regular basis is nonsense. Giving you a big (((hug))) and start setting up perameters.
http://www.mandochicks.com
http://www.mandolinbabe.com
@MandolinChick on Twitter
fingerpickin Farmgirl #702 |
|
|
|
Janneane Hazlip
True Blue Farmgirl
67 Posts
Janneane
Fort Scott
Kansas
USA
67 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 4:51:57 PM
|
| Hope your weekend is going better than you anticipated. I can identify with your frustration. On day my SIL asked me if the outfit I had on was new. She said she had gone through my closet and had not seen it in there. I thought it was gutsy of her to fess up that she had been in my closet!!! Maybe a few strategically set mouse traps would work. Just don't forget where you set them and get caught by your own trap. Good luck. Janneane |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
|
|
SuzieQ
True Blue Farmgirl
175 Posts
Suzie
Texas
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 8:33:49 PM
|
We farmgirls are very creative when it comes to mean people. I agree with everyone leave notes and voodoo or sex books in all the spots that they will look in. When they look at you (after they snooped) just smile and walk out. Don't even tell your hubby let it be a suprise to him also.
Bless the uncooth people in the world. |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 07 2009 : 6:29:19 PM
|
Hellooo! I didn't make it really clear, they weren't coming this wknd but it's gonna be 'soon', as soon as 'canning' season is over with. Maybe canning will go on forever.
Yep, Rosemary, you are inspiring! I hadn't thought of that and may do it. Love the idea!
Welp, when my FIL kicked my dogs, it was the once and I and hubby were so surprised that we didn't have enuf wits about us to say anything. I know in hindsight, we should have but when you're in the play, it's kind of hard to see. Sort of like, 'did he kick the dogs??' to each other. So the dogs have never been back.
I'm to the point and have said, that I don't like them, don't want to be around them, can do without them. I don't know how much clearer I can be. I mean, I wished I could just put up my hand and stop the parade but it is probably gonna only be one wknd and then maybe they'll go away and stay there. They may never come too, I'm hoping, I'm hoping.
Fact of the matter, like I said above (somewhere), I have to woman up and deal with them and put my foot down about my home. Hubby may not have the whole pic but he's a whole lot closer than he's ever been before!! This is new, uncharted territory to him, standing up to his family but he's making the effort. It ain't perfect but it's WAY better than it's been, believe you me!
Anyway, I'm not near as wigged as I was, I'm a bit more centered now and have my wits about me. I'm armed (figuratively) and prepared for ANYthing (literally) that comes up with them.
I. Am. Ready.... :-)
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
Brenda Kay Groth
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Brenda
Manton
MIch
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2009 : 12:06:07 PM
|
try not to personalize what is going on..i'm sure he didn't mean to say anything hurtful..men speak in wierd terms sometimes..as for the inlaws..do NOT try to impress them..if he does..that is HIS problem..not yours..be yourself..no masks..no worries..just let it be.
as for your personal stuff..if they get into it..ask them to stop..tell them that it is personal and you wouldn't go through their personal stuff so they shouldn't go through yours..
speak the truth in love..if they get to be a problem..toxic to you..walk away calmly and go somewhere and shut the door or walk outside..it isn't worth worrying or being upset aobut..just walk away
bloom where you are planted |
|
|
|
homsteddinmom
True Blue Farmgirl
441 Posts
Brandee
bullard
tx
USA
441 Posts |
Posted - Sep 14 2009 : 12:04:27 PM
|
I havent read all the replies but was wondering how long yall been together?? The reason i ask is you are living my past life!!! My dh and I have been together 18 years and im not sure when in there it changed. I think it came with me packing up and leaving i think...lol I told him that I was his NO 1 family now and his parents came no 2. He had to take care of me first or i was outta there. I know even after we had kids his parents ranked up higher than i did. His parents threatened to take our kids away and he said nothing. WEll when i was packing up to leave with the kids i think it hit him that i finally had all i was going to take. Now we live 1000 miles away and they have visited us 1 time in 7 years that we lived here, they only call 1 time per week. We have no more dropping evertyhing and driving to see them every weekend like we used to do when we lived closer. At our wedding we got his dad on tape saying that this was the biggest mistake his kid had ever made and that they were gonna do whatever it took to split us up. Well we are still together and just minus inlaws always taking first place!
Homesteading Mom in East Texas. Raising chickens, Rabbits and goats here on my farm! |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Sep 18 2009 : 9:01:57 PM
|
Thanks for the replies and an update. The following is my take on things...
Everything is going fine. Just had to woman up and grow some bigger ovaries, so to speak. My natural way is to be overly kind to people and it gives the impression that I can be ran over. So, when hubby doesn't stick up for me, that reinforces it. So, actually, being a big rig driver has made me toughen up and so I now have two 'personalities' so to speak. I'm nice when the otehr person is nice but turn female truck driver when people rile me. I figger if they don't care about me, I'm not caring about them. Actually, that attitude works a charm, just took a while to get the nerve to use it on THEM. I've learned to mirror people. How others act towards me determines how I respond to them, in a nutshell, which actually shuts down some obnoxious people!!
Last nite he said that his mother and daughter had asked how I was doing and that I should be happy they cared to ask. My response?? "Don't care and don't want to hear about it anymore.". I figger if they want to know about me, don't do it third person, just ask me outright and show a little interest in me. This has happened so much where I would be sort of flattered and fall for their shenanigans, only to have them thunk me that now I don't care. Hubby has to deal with it, I'm through!
Winona ;-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
knitnpickinatune
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Sherrie
Gardena
California
USA
1140 Posts |
|
|
paradiseplantation
True Blue Farmgirl
1277 Posts
julie
social springs community
Louisiana
USA
1277 Posts |
Posted - Sep 24 2009 : 10:55:18 AM
|
Oh, yeah! I love both Alee's and Rosemary's responses! Winona, I am so sorry you are going through this, but I'm also on Mary Jane's side. I would be in their face the second they pulled their foot back to kick my dogs. Basically, it would be Katie Bar the Door, and God Help those in my way. Good luck. And you might want to consider adding a mouse trap or two, set of course, into some of those drawers and cabinets! Oh, definitely. This belle loves the idea of some harmless booby traps!
from the hearts of paradise... |
|
|
|
Family Matters: Need to vent...same ol', same ol'.... |
|
Need to vent...same ol', same ol'....
or if not that, I hope they stay on good behavior!