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Family Matters:  For all you glass-half-full gals out there...  |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 06:46:31 AM
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...how do you handle the negative, pessimistic people you come across?
I am a very optimistic, hopeful person. I try to always see the good in every situation because I truly believe in that silver lining and always count my blessings when I get down. I firmly believe that what we speak becomes what we live, so I'm very conscious of my words. And for those rare times when I am feeling blue and sorry for myself, I don't go around telling it because I don't want it to "set-in", if you know what I mean.
So, I have a difficult time with people who always seem to be down and always complaining. I have a family member like this who absolutely drives me crazy with her negative attitude. She can't have a conversation without complaining or whining about her husband or her job or her health or her kids. I am really ashamed at my lack of compassion and sympathy but I just want to shake her until her teeth rattle!! 
Can anyone else relate? If so, what do you do or say? For the most part, I just grit my teeth and count slowly. Seems like every time I point out a positive, she'll say, "Yes, but...." And then it becomes like a game. One time she was complaining that her grown kids take advantage of her. I pointed out to her that they only take advantage of as much as she lets them and maybe she needs to learn how to tell them "no". She looked at me like I'd grown another head right there in front of her. Ugh! Another time she was complaining about the women she works with. I asked her if she was a cheerful co-worker who never gave anyone reason to complain about her. Again, that look. Is it just me? How can I adjust my tolerance level?
And now, after reading back over my post for typos, I realize that I, myself, am complaining! Aarrggghh!!! It's contagious!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
www.cherrymedarlin.etsy.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22937 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22937 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 07:54:54 AM
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*giggle* Oh Cherry! I can totally relate! I have an Uncle that just AHHH! Sadly I don't think there is anything that you can do to help her. Just be yourself and put on a heavy mental raincoat around her. So when her little black cloud starts to rain all over you, it won't slow you down a bit. People who are determined to see the bad side of things are just that determined. Whether they know it or not. And they have to WANT to change their attitude. All the well intentioned suggestions, hints and conversation re-routing only makes them feel (like you pointed out) that there is some sort of competition. Something like "Well you are this much happy, but I am doubly unhappy".
We have a friend that is like that and I learned to just listen, nod my head and say "I am sorry that is happening/happened/that way." And then swiftly change the topic away from her or go do something else. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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gramadinah
True Blue Farmgirl
3557 Posts
Diana
Orofino
ID
USA
3557 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 08:56:53 AM
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W have a friend like that and my DH starts talking like the whole world is coming to an end too. I have to tell him to back off or not call when he is in those moods. But the friend is un stoppable and so I usually just say that is a interesting way to look at things Don't you get tired of being so down and out. I found that people are really trying to over look there own falts and blame them on others. But i just sing a little song in my head and say thank you to God for everything I have.
Diana
Farmgirl Sister #273 |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 09:08:57 AM
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I "had" a friend like that, we talked, via phone, once a week. The first 30 minutes,( she lived in another state ), was all about her horrible life, she was picked on at work,( she's a RN ), her neighbor complained to her about her dogs and horses,( flys and barking ),complained that she was so miserable that all she could do is "eat", ( she weighs over 300 lbs ) , she never goes anywhere and nobody every comes and visits her, ( she spends her non-working days in bed, watching TV, not answering her door or phone, with curtains closed), etc, etc, etc. Needless to say, no matter what I said to her, she would make it all about her being picked on, I finally gave up and we have not spoken in 2 years, she tells people I was mean to her, and I picked on her. People like this are refered to as , " Misery loves company", so if you baby this person, they just get worse. Its a caustic , one sided friendship, that will never be anything else.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 10:07:04 AM
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I have one that lives with us...my MIL. I call her my "little ray of sunshine".
She loves her "doom and gloom" radio station, fits with her personality. It's called C-FAX which I have nicknamed C-FLAX. 
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 1:17:46 PM
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Sorry ladies but I have way less tolerance. I have now started to bluntly tell people that are like this to either stop complaining if they don't intend to change their lives or makes some changes and make their lives better. Obviously, if someone truly is having difficulties that is entirely different, I'm only talking about chronic complainers and attention seekers.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 1:47:35 PM
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Ingrid, that is why I "had" a friend like that, could not take it anymore.
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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acairnsmom
True Blue Farmgirl
1319 Posts
audrey
cheyenne
wy
1319 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 7:06:45 PM
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Oh what a timely topic. I have a friend that I haven't spoken with in 14 months because she is such a pessimistic person and I felt the only reason she talked to me was to have someone hear how "horrible" her life was. IF she ever asked how I was doing she wouldn't let me finish my sentence before she be off complaining about herself. I finally thought, I don't want to hear this anymore and avoided her calls. I thought I was finally finshed with her since I (horrible person that I am) didn't call and wish her a happy birthday in June but she called and left a message on my machine yesterday. Ugh! I don't think I'll return her call, after 1 year and 2 months I STILL don't want to hear it!
I have a niece that has an Aunt in Law that is this way and my niece calls her "Aunt Death". Not to her face of course but how appropriate! We all complain at times but some people really enjoy making it a way of life.
Audrey
Toto, we're not in Kansas any more! |
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Cabinprincess
True Blue Farmgirl
682 Posts
Melody June
Athens
TX
USA
682 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 06:17:15 AM
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Oh Cherry this is an easy one. It will take a little work on your part but it becomes a fun game for you and it will lighten up your visits with her. As soon as she starts, no matter what the subject is just look at her and say (oh yes, in your smiling really nice face)"for every bad there is a good, now tell me one really good thing about that Person"! And don't let her get away with saying there is nothing good, just say "you have to say one good thing or you can't go on." Tease and joke but force her to say something good or really don't let her go on.
I have a friend who complained about a co worker and I made her do this. Not only did it become funny but she learned to have a friend she had to be one. There was a time I stuck my fingers in my ears and did the childish La La La thing just to force her to say something good. Now she really does not do it so much but if she has her moment she will laugh and say "I know, now I have to say something good and dies laughing" but she will.
Try it, if nothing else you will amuse yourself, because pointing out her flaws will only get those blank stares. LOL
Smiles, Melody June
God's gift to you are your talents, your gift to Him is how you use them. |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 07:54:17 AM
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Yup, I'm right there with ya! I'm the friend who tries in vain to fix everything, but sometimes you run across people who just want to be miserable. Thats the only thing I can think of. I mean, you can build them up one side and right down the other but if they ain't gonna take heed, then there's nothing you can do. I've learned the hard way to cut strings with people who bring me down. Life is too short. Of course if it's a person you cant cut ties from, then kill 'em with kindness. Usually people who waller in their own misery can't stand an optimist, and they will find someone else to lay their troubles on. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. My mom used to say, "lie with dogs and you'll get fleas." If I'm aroudn negative people too much, then I too, start finding fault in my own life and thats just something I don't want to do anymore! good luck though!
Dawn #279
MJ's Heirloom Mavens-QMD
http://harvestthyme.blogspot.com
http://maknfaces.blogspot.com
~I'm rough & tough and I don't wear bloomers~ Nellie Braken 1887 |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 12:51:41 PM
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Yup -- had a ph. call the other week from a friend who for years has been the person who will barely let me get a word in -- always rattles on about the horrid husband, the rotten kids, the terrible mother etc., etc.
So when this friend called, I realized that yet, once again, she was three sheets to the wind, and immediately started in about this, that and the other. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what she said, Instead I just sorta mumbled "Uh Huh.." every now and then, and for real, sat and read thru the advertisements in the area phone book. This accomplished 2 things..
A) -- it kept the friend blathering long enuf that I found some great places to try out on my next shopping trip in town - and
B) - I was able to check out noah & my paint job in the kitchen to make sure there weren't any spots we missed.
So, see? There may be light at the end of a terrible phone call.."pleasant" visit, or an onslaught from a co-worker. !!
Laurianne |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Sep 02 2009 : 5:38:17 PM
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I am kind of a glass half full person, and have been called a pollyanna for always wanting to be happy and see the bright side. I almost feel bad about it, thinking that I have not been through the trials and tribulations that many others have (to date I have not battled cancer or lost a child) so I try and keep that in mind when I react to someone by saying count your blessings. It is a hard line to walk knowing how to boost someone up and when to let them release their fears. Prayer helps, and also not saying things too quickly. It is a tough call.
Farmgirl Sister # 31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 06:42:09 AM
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Thank you, girls! Melody June, I really like your suggestion. Forcing someone to think about the good things while they're choosing to focus on the bad is a good tactic. And if that doesn't work for me, I'll try your suggestion, Laurianne!
Audrey and Teresa, I've had to do that with a friend. I would get so exasperated with her, it just got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. By the end of our conversations, I'd be doing nothing but complaining, too, and I do not like that feeling! So, you're right, Dawn and Alee, misery does love company! And I refuse to be drug over to the dark side! Ha!
Jeannie, you are so right about not saying things too quickly. This friend I mentioned here once said something about feeling like ending it all. Before I thought about it, I popped off that if her life was THAT bad, maybe she should. Then I felt absolutely horrible! I guess I have no patience for someone who THINKS they've got troubles when compared to others, like you say, who have battled cancer or lost a child. Whining over the petty stuff really gets to me, like it does you, Ingrid. I feel better just knowing that I'm not the only person with such a low tolerance level for those chronic naysayers!
I just don't understand how a person can focus so intently on the negative in their days instead of glorying in the positive. I try to always follow-up any negative thoughts I have with a "yes, but..." For example, it's raining here AGAIN this morning, yes, but the cloudy-lighting makes the green of the tree leaves absolutely POP beautifully! Know what I mean? And I really get aggravated when someone is complaining about a situation of their making! This family member I'm talking about is always complaining about money being tight. Well, yeah! When you go out on a Saturday and charge up one of your gazillion credit cards on unnecessary STUFF, you're going to have money problems! She'll complain about having so many credit card payments each month but then take out a new one when all the ones she has are maxed out. Absolutely ridiculous!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
www.cherrymedarlin.etsy.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 07:25:36 AM
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So people just live for that drama because that is all they WANT to know. I overcame some very negative people in my life. I realized when I was around them, I could the life being sucked out of my soul by them. There is complaining or trying to work out a problem but the constant, everytime I would see or talk to them negativity got to be too much for me. I actively choose to be happy. I have an old acquaintance from my Navy days who only contacts me when her life has gone in the dumpers again. I don't want to spend hours listening to the same song and dance from her. So I ignored her phone calls. The old me would spend those hours and feel like garbage by the time she was done. I can't afford to waste that energy anymore. So I avoid it all costs. I do keep her in mind and hope she can find some happiness.
Heather
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Sep 03 2009 : 08:27:22 AM
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I am very much a glass half full kind of gal...and like most all of you, there are those negative people in my life too...I tend to avoid them, which isn't a good solution...since it doesn't change a thing. There are some days when I dont' need someone doing their best to put a bad spin on everything. I am very lucky to have friends who are very up beat and positive.If I have to spend any time at all talking to one of the complainers I tend to call up one of the "good gals" and I can feel myself being brought back up right away. I don't know what I would do without my friends. It is sad how much energy some people spend being negative about every little thing.
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
Posted - Sep 04 2009 : 09:29:03 AM
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I am also a glass half full gal :)
Boy, it sure is hard when someone is always pessimistic. I try to point out the positive things in their lives to help get them grounded. I try to get THEM to realize what can be done about the situation that they're in. If they are complaining about someone, I respond, "Well, let's pray for them right now" or "You just spent x amount of time complaining about them when you could have been praying for them". Of course I say it gently but firm. We all have our down times but when someone is consistent in complaining or only calling when things are bad it's hard to deal with and gets old very quick. As Jeannie mentioned, prayer. The Lord will guide us and direct us how or when to respond (or not). That right there is everything!
~Sharon
By His Grace, For His Glory
http://merryheartjournal.blogspot.com/ |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 11:59:39 AM
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I think most everyone has this type of person in their life. If you can stay away from them do. My Dr. always called them toxic people. I think they are. But, I just have gotten to the point that I just don't pay any attention to their constant complaints and criticisms. They just live to b****. I can"t change them. So I don't try. Now my husband has a friend that does this constantly. Every body is a jerk everybody in the world is just out to tick him off, no one will just do what he thinks they should. I know he does get affected by it. He gets all down in the dumps and I have to say stay away from him for a while. It really rubs off on him. He gets away from him and then gets his own perspective back. It really can rub off on people.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 3:43:28 PM
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you gals inspire me to look more on the bright side of life... i have to admit, i'm a bit pessimistic. not that i want to be. but i'd like to cheer up more and be thankful every day for what i have. i think some events in my life have made me this way, but i can't blame that all the time... i need an attitude shift and maybe you gals are just the thing to help me find that shift!!!
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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Jennifer Mulkey
True Blue Farmgirl
59 Posts
Jennifer
Arkansas City
KS
USA
59 Posts |
Posted - Sep 05 2009 : 6:31:24 PM
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This is how I handle them : "There but for the Grace of God go I" ;)
It helps keep me on track and helps me stay focused on the fact that we really aren't that much different :) |
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levisgrammy
True Blue Farmgirl
9324 Posts
Denise
Beavercreek
Ohio
USA
9324 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 04:06:24 AM
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I like your view Jennifer!
Oh that we could keep our hearts and minds in the right attitudes but, alas! we are human and can only do so with God's grace.
God is good....all the time.
Denise
www.torisgram.etsy.com |
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Old Spirit
True Blue Farmgirl
1498 Posts
Rae
MN
1498 Posts |
Posted - Sep 06 2009 : 05:57:01 AM
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My Grandma could always find the good in things and so I have tried to always look at that. Usually even in bad situations there is a "good" that comes out of it. Makes life really pleasant, especially at work!!
Rae
Farm Girl #647
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31
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MissLiss
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
322 Posts
Melissa
Corona
CA
USA
322 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2009 : 10:51:56 PM
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I think most of us here can relate to you! I mean, we're all farmgirls with that "can do" attitude, so the glass is always half-full! I have quite a few the glass is EMPTY friends, relatives, (my HUSBAND) and I've found that you really have to be your own cheerleader. It can be tiring living with pessimists, but I try to always be positive. I'd like to go camping - I love camping. My husband always said "someday" well this year I proposed a trip and he shot it down because he didn't want to sleep on the dirt. It's too hard and cold and dirty and too much work to set up the tent and what will DD do without a t.v. (meaning I will miss a sports game), etc. Well, I told him we could rent/buy a pop-up or tear-drop trailer. That would be like a luxury camping. He said not this year, but maybe next year. So I decided that DD and I will set up the tent in our family room and campout on our own. So there. He thinks it's a silly idea and he's not going to do it with us, but DD is SUPER excited. So she and I will set up the tent and make smores over the gas stovetop and tell ghost stories by lantern light in our little tent this weekend while DH is in the other room watching football on t.v. I learned long ago that I could let pessimists bring me down, then I would never do the things I love or I could do them anyway and have fun and if they don't want to join then too bad for them. I always try to modify my ideas to include my husband (i.e. the trailer) but if that doesn't work then I just do it or come up with an alternate plan. It may not be exactly what I wanted, but being the optimist that I am, I make the best of it! So negative people are hard to deal with, but keeping yourself above it and countering their negativity with positive thoughts/energy until you can't take it anymore is great. Once you can't take it anymore, I don't have any problem, jokingly saying "wow, you're really bumming me out - I'd better go before I decide to throw myself off a bridge! I'll talk to you later." I always get a laugh or a sarcastic remark, but it always gets me off the phone. You can try that - I give you exclusive rights to my get off the bummer phone call strategy! Good luck and may it serve you as it has served me!
Melissa ~ Farmgirl #724
Use it up, Wear it out, Make it do, Or go without! |
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Old Spirit
True Blue Farmgirl
1498 Posts
Rae
MN
1498 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2009 : 2:50:40 PM
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I am the half full person too. I have learned, from my Grandma, that there is something good in ALMOST everything and one. I usually say that as hard as it is I am sure God will show something good out of it. I know he has for me when things have been black all around and there comes that ray of light that would not have been a part of my life without that bad.
I do try remove myself from negative, a lot at work and it really wears me out if I listen to it too long and I do not want to get sucked into those things and dark places.
It is tough at times but thanks heaves for a loving God
Rae
Farm Girl #647
...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles:...
Isaiah 40:31
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2009 : 5:01:34 PM
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I'm definately a glass half full person too
I heard a gereat quote yesterday
the secret to living w/ a glass half full is figuring out how to fill it!
Perhaps the sourpusses out there dewll too much on the negative inward self rather than focusing outward and seeking ways to spread joy and happiness to others
Sounds simple...might not be for those who only see the negative
But there's always a positive somewhere to outweigh the negative
And sometimes I simply just don't associate very much w/ those people or I may try and do something nice for them to spread a little cheer
Pity the downers are emotional vampires.
Maybe they need a hug |
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Brenda Kay Groth
True Blue Farmgirl
100 Posts
Brenda
Manton
MIch
USA
100 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2009 : 11:59:03 AM
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i learned a while back that i have to try to avoid toxic people..they put me into depression and horrible state..so now i try to keep them away from me.. if i am around them and i feel that they are affecting me..i will just get up and walk away..i don't allow them to affect me any more
bloom where you are planted |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Sep 10 2009 : 3:17:13 PM
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Melissa I love your post! Thats just the way to handle it. You gotta rock as a friend!
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Family Matters: For all you glass-half-full gals out there... |
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For all you glass-half-full gals out there...
