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Family Matters:  libido after children?  |
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rachreymack
Farmgirl in Training
16 Posts
Rachael
Moscow
Idaho
USA
16 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 12:44:53 PM
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My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We are both still in our 20's. After I had our son (who's now 2) my libido has been really low, to nearly non-existent. It has probably gotten worse over this last year as our son has gotten really active and busy.
My DH works early morning shifts usually 5am, sometimes 3am, so is tired and ready for bed by 9pm, if not earlier. By the time we get the little guy in bed my husband is often asleep. When he's awake, all he wants is to "roll in the hay" but a lot of times I'm exhausted from being mommy all day, and don't really want to be touched. I just have a hard time getting in the mood, or it takes me a little longer to warm up.
Is this something any of you other moms have gone through? Any suggestions? I love my husband dearly and this physical part of our relationship is probably our biggest issue, especially for him. |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 2:01:01 PM
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I believe you and your husband should get a babysitter and plan a date, just for the two of you. Even if you have to go away for the weekend, that would be nice. Good luck. I'm sure the other farmgirls will post their thoughts. And- I would say, be sure to let your husband know that you love him by saying it to him often.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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1badmamawolf
True Blue Farmgirl
2199 Posts
Teresa
"Bent Fence Farms"
Ca
USA
2199 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 2:07:43 PM
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My Grandma used to say " parents need time away, and so do babies", she was a really wise women! Like Marly said, you all need time away, and soon. Get a sitter, and if you can't afford to leave your place, have your son go to the sitters house, and your get away is at home. I raised 4 kids, they are all grown now, but we made time for "US" at least once a week, and I miss it so much now, ( my hubby passed almost 2 years ago), don't wait !!
"Treat the earth well, it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children" |
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melody
True Blue Farmgirl
3329 Posts
Melody
The Great North Woods in the Land of Hiawatha
USA
3329 Posts |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 4:48:23 PM
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This was an issue for Hubby and I after baby #2. I didn't want him to look at me, let alone touch me. I was so tired all day from dealing with the children and he wanted to "have fun" after the children were asleep. We had to finally ask for a baby sitter once in a while for a little while. Even if were weren't 'rolling in the hay', we would still spend time together ALONE watching movies, playing cards, whatever.
Hubby seemed a lot more attractive to me when I didn't see him with children underfoot all the time. The rule during our alone time, was that we didn't talk about the children and we didn't talk about anything stressful (work, bills, honey do lists, etc.)
After a few times of watching movies and just hanging out with each other, life was a lot better, and I actually looked forward to being with him.
Sometimes, we mommy's especially mommy's with little ones, like to feel like women and not just Mommy's every once in a while. :D
HUGS!!-- It gets better.:D
P.S. Hubby and I are expecting baby #3 (so it all does work out :) )
Jessie
Farmgirl Sister #235
"You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek. You are my all in all. Seeking You as a precious jewel; Lord, to give up I'd be a fool. You are my all in all."
Stop by my blog for a visit www.messiejessie2.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2009 : 7:28:29 PM
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Teresa:
I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 06:57:55 AM
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Oh..I thought you found mine...
Seriously. you have to work at it and yes, take the time. Even it is 5 minutes to snuggle, a walk in the park, holding hands or writing a letter to him/her why you love them. Remember back to when you first met and had the world in your hands. : ) We have lunch together once a week and we just cuddle at night. It doesn't have to be all about the actual sex part, but more about being in tune with each other.
Heather
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PineConeAcres
Farmgirl in Training
31 Posts
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 09:04:50 AM
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| Yep, think back to what you did when you first starting going together and repeat ;) I have three kids and one on the way and DH and I still have very high libidos :P We've been together for 4 years now. |
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rachreymack
Farmgirl in Training
16 Posts
Rachael
Moscow
Idaho
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 10:47:22 AM
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Thank you everyone for the advice. I called him up on the phone when I was out of the house, and asked him out on a date. (It made me feel a little nervous  ) I am going to try to make date night a weekly thing. |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 10:51:07 AM
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Date night does wonders for couples. Hubby and I used to do that once a week when we had our first daughter. :D
Hugs
Jessie
Farmgirl Sister #235
"You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek. You are my all in all. Seeking You as a precious jewel; Lord, to give up I'd be a fool. You are my all in all."
Stop by my blog for a visit www.messiejessie2.blogspot.com |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 12:38:19 PM
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Rachael:
I'm glad to hear you made a date night. Only great things will come of that. I'll be praying for you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 4:21:45 PM
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Ok Rachael, I'm going to share a few things with you that really helped me....please don't laugh!! I have to admit that I have not had that problem. Actually...being as we are expecting #4 in November and we were just married 5 years in May would tell you we kinda have the opposite problem.
First: Take a multi-vitamin and a B complex EVERY DAY!!! Make sure you are eating enough protein and a good diet.
Second: Sleep when the kids sleep. When my 3 nap...you'll find me fast asleep as well. Don't feel guilty about taking a nap. You'll be ready to roll when your hubby is and believe it or not....you'll do better throughout the evening with baby and house ect.
Third: Get up before baby and take care of hubby. It's worth it and you'll be in a good mood all day...even if you are a little tired!! If you can't get up early...try to get your son to go to bed a little earlier. My 2 year old is in bed by 8:30 and my 4 year old is in bed by 9. (our 1 year old is usually in bed at 8)
Hope these help you out a little bit!!
Misty
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2009 : 8:00:50 PM
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Hmmmm...Vit B, huh? I think you young chicks just taught this old bird a new trick!
Rachael, first of all, welcome, welcome, welcome to the forum!!! And second of all, these girls are absolutely right! My bibbie is now 17 (half-way to 18) and the hubs and I now have noooooo problems in that area. Remember that "this, too, shall pass". But in the meantime and between time, the little things will keep things "smokin'" for ya! You do have to remember the pre-baby chemistry that brought the two of you together. One thing you can try is to write a message in lipstick for him on the bathroom mirror. My sis and BIL leave each other little messages back and forth on their bathroom mirror. (It can be kinda embarassing to use their bathroom sometimes!) I go the wallet route and leave my hubs little love notes in his wallet. I tried sending him a suggestive card to his work one time, not knowing that the girls in the office open all mail before distributing it, and quit that after the first one! But maybe it'll work for you?
The other thing is to remember how you'd get so excited when he'd come to pick you up for a date and squeeze in the same routine you went through then. Getting yourself all "girlied" up and all. Surely you can squeeze in 10 to 15 minutes when he gets home from work to greet him like you would have when you were dating to give him a deep kiss and a quick snuggle before settling in to your evening routine?
It's truly the little things that'll hold things together until your little one is older and isn't so demanding of your time. The trick is to keep first and foremost in your mind what drew you to each other to begin with. This is something that has worked for me during my marriage of over 20 years! Sometimes better than other times, but certainly for the most part!
And the big thing is to communicate precisely and thoroughly. Even if it's a "Honey, I'd really like a roll in the hay right now, but I'm truly tuckered out!" Of course, another thing you can try is the "touching only" route. This falls in with the girls' suggestion of just snuggling. Start with shoulder massages and work from there. All the right buttons might get pushed and you might just surprise yourself!
And just when I thought I was all finished with the advice...if it's more help around the house you need, you might try bartering. For example, if he'll come home and take care of the kiddo and fix supper for you while you can take a luxuriant bath to recharge your batteries, he gets some "grown-up" time later that night. Or turn the tables and tell him that as soon as he can get the baby asleep, you're all his!
Good luck to you, Sweets! I hope we've helped!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2009 : 07:50:14 AM
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I thought this was my post (that I've been writing in my head!). Our daughter is 5 months old and I could SOOOOOO take it (sex) or leave it (mostly leave it). For me, it's all hormonal...I have not one iota of interest...and prior to the baby, I sure did. Getting off b.c. was the best thing I did for my libido...now that I'm back on it, it's like the same old, same old. It's really unfair of me, but I always think, "ok, just get it over with and he'll leave you alone for the rest of the week..." but it just doesn't happen that way, poor guy!
And, I know that it's a huge part of marriage, but if you're not interested, well, even a date can put added pressure. We went out on the weekend (my mom watched Violet) and after a wonderful dinner, and a couple of glasses of wine, all I wanted to do was sleep! I felt so bad for him, but those crisp cotton sheets were calling to me, and not for any other reason than to lay my head down! He's very understanding, but I could tell he was bummed.
I plan on talking to my doctor in August for my annual. It's perfectly normal, so don't feel bad about yourself--Cherry has some good advice for keeping the fire going, but I'm not even "thinking" that way, so it would be forced.
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jul 20 2009 : 1:09:47 PM
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Yep, I concur, not only do you and hubby need to have some time just get away, even if it is a walk up the street, but you need some time just for you, to refresh and renew.
Mine went way down after I had a total hysterectomy. Being open and honest with my hubby, reasurring him it had nothing to do with him, helped. He was patient and we got through it. Don't let it consume you as the stress of it won't help. You are normal. It may never get back to what it once was, but just enjoy having hubby next to you, be flirty, hug a lot, just cause. Like Teresa, I miss just being held by my hubby, who passed away in Dec. Learn to focus on what really matters, enjoy the little things.
For tomorrow and its needs I do not pray, but keep me, guide me, love me, Lord just for today.
St. Augustine
#440 |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Jul 22 2009 : 3:18:39 PM
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It's called exhaustion. For most men they're pretty well ready to go anytime. Men don't get that when it's a choice between loving and sleeping, sleeping most often wins out when you have tiny child to deal with the next day.
Glad to hear you're making a date night, things will improve with couple time. It does get better as you get more rest. All part of having children.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2009 : 6:22:40 PM
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as i was reading all of your replies, i was just wondering if there were any gals like me? i've been married almost 5 years and havn't had a high libido the whole time. there might be alot of personal issues involved, but other than the libido issue, my hubby and i have a very good relationship. i read a book this year, "I'd rather eat chocolate: learning to love my low libido" by Joan Sewell that has really helped me. it made me realize that maybe not everyone, men included, is meant to have a high libido and there is no "normal." and of course, libido fluctuates throughout life. i wish i could say there was something that worked for me, i wish i could have dates, etc. that would get my mojo going (i also don't have children, which makes me believe i just naturally don't have a high libido, even though i did when i was younger). sometimes i feel there are unrealistic expectations placed on libido.... i say, do what works for you. don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed about it. i find that once that pressure to perform weight was lifted off my shoulders, i was more comfortable with the notion that i just didn't have a high libido. and that lifted weight opened up the option that i could feel like i wanted sex. so maybe just accepting the fact that you are doing the best you can and as long as you and DH communicate about it, it may just come naturally after awhile....
any thoughts about not having libido at all? i wish i could say i was like you wonderful ladies in this department... are there any farmgals out there that may be going through the same issues i am?
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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MissLiss
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
322 Posts
Melissa
Corona
CA
USA
322 Posts |
Posted - Aug 27 2009 : 9:35:24 PM
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I feel for you! I have a 3 year old and though I want another one, the idea of *making* another one is not high up there on my list. I have NO interest anymore and my husband seems to want it ALL the time...which, to his credit is probably the same as it was before the baby came along, I just was more "into it" then. And my husband seems to think that all roads should lead to sex. We can't just snuggle or hold hands or relax on the couch and watch a movie. It's always got to lead to something. AND my husband works nights so on his days off he's awake at dinner time and after I put my daughter down for the night I'm ready to hit the hay too, but he's just up and rarin' to go! I feel like it's a big issue for us too, but what can you do? I feel like a bad wife if I'm always telling him that I'm not in the mood so sometimes I just do it anyway, but then I feel bad like I'm lying to him that it was so great when really I'd rather be sleeping! It's not that I don't love him anymore or that I don't find him attractive anymore, because I still do, it's just that even if Harrison Ford (from his Indiana Jones days) walked into my house right now and said "I want to make love to you" I'd ask him to help me clean the tub instead. I just don't feel it anymore. :-P
Melissa
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make it do,
Or go without! |
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FebruaryViolet
True Blue Farmgirl
4810 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4810 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2009 : 05:58:53 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by MissLiss
I feel for you! I have a 3 year old and though I want another one, the idea of *making* another one is not high up there on my list. I have NO interest anymore and my husband seems to want it ALL the time...which, to his credit is probably the same as it was before the baby came along, I just was more "into it" then. And my husband seems to think that all roads should lead to sex. We can't just snuggle or hold hands or relax on the couch and watch a movie. It's always got to lead to something. AND my husband works nights so on his days off he's awake at dinner time and after I put my daughter down for the night I'm ready to hit the hay too, but he's just up and rarin' to go! I feel like it's a big issue for us too, but what can you do? I feel like a bad wife if I'm always telling him that I'm not in the mood so sometimes I just do it anyway, but then I feel bad like I'm lying to him that it was so great when really I'd rather be sleeping! It's not that I don't love him anymore or that I don't find him attractive anymore, because I still do, it's just that even if Harrison Ford (from his Indiana Jones days) walked into my house right now and said "I want to make love to you" I'd ask him to help me clean the tub instead. I just don't feel it anymore. :-P
Ha! I hear ya, sister! My poor dh..he's exactly the same way, and it's really flattering (in some regards) that he finds me so attractive still, after only 6 months of trying to get my figure back. I didn't gain that much weight with our daughter, but stuff just isn't in the right place, ya know? Added to that, I don't have time to eat dinner when I'm with her, let alone shave my legs, so I feel like a lumberjack most of the time and that's no so "sexy", ya know? Just me, maybe 
Musings from our family in the Bluegrass http://sweetvioletmae.blogspot.com/ |
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MissLiss
Farmgirl Legend Schoolmarm
322 Posts
Melissa
Corona
CA
USA
322 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2009 : 4:25:20 PM
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A lumberjack! Ha! That's great Jonni! That hits it right on the head! I bet if I gave my husband that image he'd cool off for a day or two;-)
Melissa
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make it do,
Or go without! |
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HeatherAnn
True Blue Farmgirl
187 Posts
Heather
Rancho Cucamonga
CA
USA
187 Posts |
Posted - Aug 28 2009 : 6:37:14 PM
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i'm totally right with you girls on this. I have a 9 week old and we aren't back on the wagon yet. I had some medical issues this week that really got in the way of any of that again for another week or so.
but I have noticed, even in the last few weeks or so, and even more so since my first baby (my 9 week old is my second) that when I can find time to get a shower, shave my legs, do my nails, do my hair, actually pluck my eyebrows, eat really well, wind down (on my own) with a favorite cd, maybe read a bit of a favortie book, then I'm way more open to my husband wanting to hug and to hold. I, also, am not a big toucher or hugger for the most part. I'm working on the hugging. But the touching is slow going. And my husband on the other hand just absolutly glows from head to foot with any little touch from me. It's so cute. He says 'thanks' now if I hold his hand. It makes me a little sad. But, he's really understanding. I had a c-section this time and my tummy isn't snapping back into place like it did with my first.
It's hard to feel pretty after having kids. I feel like I'm going through puberty and readjusting to my body all over.
I look forward to the day when I can ship the kids off to the gradparents house, meet the DH at the door when he gets home in nothing but an apron and a smile - AND LIKE IT! one day I'll be back on that wagon.
and I'll be praying for all of us. sometimes, I'll just be complying and then the next thing I know it's great! here's praying for us gals!
Heather Ann
Apartment Farmgirl
"You got to look at all the good on one side and all the bad on the other and say 'Well, alright then.'" - Aunt Eller, Oklahoma
www.plumblossomknits.etsy.com |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Sep 01 2009 : 06:17:14 AM
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after reading all these posts, i've realized how different every woman is! it's quite amazing, actually. i love how varied people are in life. i'm glad i'm not the only one who has libido issues, but i'm thrilled for the women who are always rarin' to go!
heather, my dh is like yours... he LOVES to cuddle, but me... not so much. and it's not that i don't love him. i'm just not a cuddler. and he also still thinks i'm sexy and i never understand it. the funny thing is, i swear he comments how pretty and sexy i am when i look my worst!!! more than when i get myself all dolled up... i don't understand. i'll come in with my sweats on from being outside feeding the hens, my hair in rats, and he's like "you're so pretty." i'm like WHAT?! at times, i think men are better at this love thing than women.... at least from the men i've seen. they just glow when they are in love and their love stage lasts forever. it seems they never get over it. it's really sweet. while we women are all concerned about how we look, that we don't look like a supermodel or like we did when we were teenagers, our men just look at us with that twinkle in their eye... maybe we shouldn't be as concerned as we think we should be?
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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Family Matters: libido after children? |
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libido after children?
