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Family Matters:  Finding Happiness  |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 7:40:53 PM
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This is really more about DH than anything else. I've worked hard to come up with a balance in my life and am working to appreciate all the little things we have, and the little things in life that make life beautiful.
Every once in a while, a side of DH I call Chief Black Cloud comes out, and it is hard for me not to be pulled down with it. This time it's originating over a truck. A new truck.
Let me preface this with how he has needed a reliable truck for 6 years. Somehow, we've coaxed and prodded (and I have kicked) the 86 F-150 into keeping his business running. It's died on him and left him stranded many times. It looks like Sanford and Sons so much a friend put the jingle on his cell phone as a joke. DH doesn't know how to change it, and one of his better customers heard it and thought it was hilarious.
The old truck is just not making the cut anymore. No matter what we do, it cuts out several times a day. It doesn't like to haul the trailer up the mountain. It has no heat or a/c. It was supposed to be put on a farm years ago, only we haven't gotten one yet.
So, we debated and talked and decided it was time to get a truck - we found a great one. Only... now he is stressing over the thought of payments so much, he cannot sleep and is considering returning the vehicle tomorrow.
Gals - this may all sound semi-normal and no neither of us likes the thought of payments, but this is our ONLY DEBT. Our house is paid for, the other cars are paid for. We have enough money in the bank to keep us going for at least a year. We could just pay it off if we had to. He's loaded with work right now - people are waiting 6 weeks for him to get to their projects.
We're keeping the old truck as a beater - for hauling debris and rock on rough jobs and keep the newer truck looking better longer.
I don't understand this. We discussed it for months, we'd come to a decision, a set cap on the price of the vehicle. I know most guys would be showing it off and thrilled with a new vehicle and not be stressing too much over the payments. But DH is different - he's MISERABLE.
I asked him to think of what makes him happy. Why he feels that this new truck will set us so far back - when we are slowly, carefully, moving forward? I'm trying to discover what it is he wants out of life, and sometimes I think he has this mental picture that life should be all vacations and easy work. He's a HARD WORKER - but he compares himself to our clients, who are often retired. I don't know how to say to him that I don't see that as reality - that work is a part of life, and yes we back it off some as we get older, but I don't see us trotting the globe for giggles. I think he'd be worried about our money even then too. While working on our house, after the sale of our Florida properties, we had 90K in the bank, and he was still up nights thinking we were poor.
Any advice? Any ideas on what to say to him? He's so down and negative, I just wanted to cry tonight. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 8:00:29 PM
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Oh Lynn! Our Husbands must be related! I don't have any advice other than to ask him what ELSE are you going to do? Vehicles age out of being reliable, sad but true, and it sounds like his had reached that point. Maybe you could gently tease him and say "Yes it's money that we are spending but now you just have to make this truck last the next 23 years ;)"
Doug usually stews and grumps but eventually he will convince himself that everything is fine and the right decision was made. I hope your husband starts to enjoy his truck soon. If he doesn't want it- he can always send it up to Montana for me! ;)
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Mother Hen
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Cindy
Peck
ID
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2009 : 10:39:30 PM
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Lynn, I'm sorry you are having a rough evening. Maybe you could try talking to hubby about it being an investment in machinery to keep his job going. Obviously without it, he is less reliable(due to the 150 breaking down often) and therefore he will be losing way more money if he can't get the jobs done than he will be by making payments on the new truck. He sounds like he is conscientious and therefore he needs to have his new truck for his clients.
I hope this reasoning will help, if you haven't used it before with him, and he finds peace. Working himself up won't solve anything and therefore it's a waste of energy.
God Bless,
Cindy
FARMGIRLS CAN DO ANYTHING!!!
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalms 34:1 |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 05:02:12 AM
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Alee, I hope DH is like Doug and eventually decides this was the right decision!We bought the truck on Sunday, and he's not even let himself drive it except through the neighborhood.
It seems hard to me to fathom because we planned this out - and we know that we will have this truck for at LEAST 15 years, we always keep our vehicles until the wheels just about fall off. He's researched the truck he wanted for the past 6 months, watching sales, craigslist, dealer offers, comparing years - and the model year we decided on is what we found, and the price is what we had agreed upon was OK.
I know the economy is a scare for him, while getting rock for a job (in the old truck) on Monday he asked the lady working the scales where everybody was - she replied that come August, she and the rest of the people at that location no longer had a job.
Later Monday the tailgate fell off and was hanging on by one of the cables, the other end dragging on the ground until he could stop. He thankfully didn't have any tools fall out the back when that happened - and I said I think that's God telling him the truck is dying a horrible death.
Honestly I laughed at the tailgate. It ranks up there with the day the muffler fell off - and as my hubby was turning around to go get it, a semi truck came along and flattened it. Those are not the only parts that fell off - like the driver side mirror did one day while he was shutting the door - it shattered - and he managed to put the L mirror on there instead.
The F-150 has been the stuff of legends since we got it - our first joyride in it, it threw a rod and we had to walk home. January 2 years ago, I went to a friend's house in it to get some firewood, and the accelerator got stuck and I nearly got dumped into my friend's pool on the coldest day of the year (thank goodness it was a manual and I was able to kill the thing).
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2009 : 06:14:14 AM
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Lynn, honey, I feel your pain and confusion. My DH is the same exact way. Call it buyer's remorse or guilt, whatever you want, it's enough to drive a sane person crazy! He will do all the research like you're talking about. He'll crunch the numbers. He'll work to make the necessary money and save up to buy whatever he's considering. Then once it's sitting out in the yard, he'll worry himself silly over it! There have been many times I've told him to take the d*mn thing back!! I simply can't wrap my brain around it! They just think too much. But what I've found has worked for me, and might for you, is if I figure up how much money would have been lost. Cindy's right about the truck being an investment. So figure up how much money you've had to spend on the F150 just to keep it running. Figure up how much money was lost in man-hours because he was having to fool with that truck instead of actual paying work. Then there are several different ways you can present that to him. Deduct that total from the total paid for the new truck or figure it over the life of your loan and deduct it from the monthly payment. However you think would be the biggest impact on him. I've found that since Brian is so "fact-oriented", if I deal with his emotions with facts, it seems to get through to him better.
Another thing that works for me is to ask him what's the worst that can happen. Sometimes when a fear is spoken outloud and examined from all sides, it loses it's power.
When it comes to comparing your life to those of his clients, remind him that you can't judge a book by it's cover. You never know what path they took to get themselves there or whether they're rich in what matters most.
But I know. I'm a count-your-blessings-not-your-troubles kind of girl. One of Brian's nicknames is "Eeyore" (if that tells you anything!)
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2009 : 08:23:21 AM
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CherryMeDear - that was perfect! I've done that before to help ease his mind on other things we've done, I just hadn't remembered that this time around. It may help the other gals on this forum whose hubbie's have a hard time with these things.
We did take the truck back to the seller yesterday and worked out some changes and DH is MUCH happier now. We actually took a little joyride in it last night. He said as perverse as it sounds, he felt he didn't deserve a nice truck (pfft, this ain't even fancy - but it's highfallutin for us!).
So all is settled and happy at our household now. *whew*
By the way - it is very true you cannot judge a book by its cover. A year ago he was all depressed because one of the guys he plays tennis with has a much bigger house, and a brand new truck, had another big house that he rented out for $1,100/month income, and an apparently booming business. The fellow is younger than us and has three kids to boot (we are childless).
It was all bluff, he found out a few months ago that the fellow barely manages the payments on his truck, his father in law owns the house he supposedly owned and rented out for income, his business is terrible and he is being sued for fraud, and from time to time they are under threat of foreclosure.
Thanks everyone! I knew I would get help and good advice here! |
Edited by - greyghost on Jul 02 2009 08:36:17 AM |
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txbikergirl
Farmgirl in Training
46 Posts
Cindy
Elkhart
TX
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - Aug 14 2009 : 5:19:53 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by greyghost
We did take the truck back to the seller yesterday and worked out some changes and DH is MUCH happier now. We actually took a little joyride in it last night. He said as perverse as it sounds, he felt he didn't deserve a nice truck (pfft, this ain't even fancy - but it's highfallutin for us!).
So all is settled and happy at our household now. *whew*
I think this is such an EASY thing to fix in any man. first, you just regularly tell him how hot he looks in his new truck. second, you up the physical stuff for a week or two to show him how hot he is.
Easy peasy - it releases all that physical tension and makes him feel like a man because you are telling and showing him. nothing else needed - works like a charm. and it is a win-win if you know what i mean!
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Bread the Mary Jane Way
- started Mother 6/28/09
- Hodgson Mill Organic unbleached flour
- well water w/ reverse osmosis filter
- feeding twice as much once a day to eliminate excess hooch
- first sourdough loaf 7/25/09 - GREAT!
- using KA bread flour for loafs |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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prairie_princess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Elizabeth
Carpenter
WY
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2009 : 2:45:13 PM
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lynn, i'm glad you finally got everything all figured out! i hope he is happy now with his decision...
i just wanted to say my hubby is the same way. but when it comes to the biggest investments, which would include vehicles, i know not to expect car payments of any kind. which is fine with me. we always find vehicles from independent sellers. and i have to say, especially with this economy, you can find some pretty nice stuff in the independent market! my aunt just found a 2006 mustang for pretty cheap!
so that is always an option, just look for newer vehicles that are used through independent sellers. and you can work it out to not have a payment. and then he wouldn't fret over that...
"Only two things that money can't buy, that's true love and homegrown tomatoes."
- Guy Clark
"The man who has planted a garden feels he has done something for the good of the world."
- Charles Dudley Warner |
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ZenGoddess
True Blue Farmgirl
613 Posts
Cindy
MO
USA
613 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2009 : 7:45:28 PM
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Wow Cherrie, I say " whats the worst that can happen to myself and others all the time, its a saying that makes you stop and think, I know that. Lynn, remind your DH that the truck is a tax deduction against the business income / you need deductions if your making $$$$$$$$ !
Hugs,
Zens Goddess
My life goal is to Simply - Simplify my life.
http://herbalcottage.blogspot.com
http://herbalcottage.etsy.com |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Aug 20 2009 : 08:58:21 AM
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Lynn, I just had to tell you, about the comparing one's belongings to another's? Just last week, Brian got into a funk over this very thing. He was moping around and had that sad-face on. I asked him what was bothering him and after a bit of prodding, he brought up several different people we know and how in comparison, they have so much more than we do and yet they don't seem to work any harder or make any more money. After doing some deep breathing and some internal eye-rolling, thinking "here we go again", I checked off on each finger all of our "stuff". I had to say things like, "they may have a motor home, but they don't have a bobcat, and aren't they always borrowing your bobcat? Have they ever offered to let us borrow their motor home? So, in my opinion, that makes you a much more generous person then they are which is something that can't be bought." And I also had to remind him that some of these people could be in debt up to their eyeballs, while the only "big" payments we have are our mortgage and my car payment. Some of these couples, the wives have several, several credit cards that are maxed out while I only have one that is strictly for emergencies only. So I had to remind him how blessed he is to be married to a woman who is fulfilled enough to not have to mindlessly shop. I also had to point out to him how we're working towards our future and being able to retire and travel in 10 or 15 years time and our friends are living in the here-and-now for the most part. After about an hour-long discussion, he was out of his funk and the next day, came in talking about a new rifle he just HAD to have! I didn't know I was giving him license to go buy something else!! :) But that's kind of how he saw it. Conniving little boy!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
www.cherrymedarlin.etsy.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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Family Matters: Finding Happiness |
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Finding Happiness
