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Family Matters:  In-Laws Uninvited Visits  |
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ChicChick
True Blue Farmgirl
64 Posts
Joy
64 Posts |
 Posted - May 25 2009 : 02:44:19 AM
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I'm looking for some advice. About a year ago, my in-laws started stopping by unannounced at least once a week. They come over every Sunday afternoon, and sometime other times during the week as well. My husband and I have asked them two times to please call first, to make sure that we are home and aren't busy, so that we can enjoy our time with them. I guess the information went in one ear and out the other, because they continue to show up without a phone call.
We've recently had a baby, and while I was pregnant, my MIL actually asked me what my preference was for their visits. I said it would be very helpful for them to call before coming over, as we might be napping or busy with the baby. Still, they continue to just show up unannounced.
We've tried going for walks or scheduling groceries and other trips on Sunday afternoons...but they usually just drive by and if we aren't home, come back later!
I'm at my wits end. I know that I'm not very pleasant when they come over--lately I've taken to working on outdoor projects so that I don't have to sit around for hours chit chatting and wasting the precious little time I have to work on home projects/catch up on laundry, etc. I've asked my husband to talk to his mother about this, but he hasn't and I doubt he will.
What would you do? I am not very good with confrontation--right now I'm so resentful that I fear any confrontation would end up with months of irritation overflowing! Should I keep pushing my husband to do something? Should I talk to my MIL privately? What should I say? Should we just lock the door and hide inside? Kidding! (sort of.)
Any ideas or advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
-Joy |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2009 : 03:42:02 AM
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This is tough.
We don't have kids but hubbys folks do the same thing. It doesn't help we are buying the house from his folks and thank goonedee wil have it paid off next year.
I too hate it when they just stop by unnanounced.
Since we are kind of far uot, we each have habits of walking around w/ speedos and skimpy hot weather clothing (not) on.
Dh's dad also plants a huge garden w/ his son and feels it s his right to stop by early in the a.m. to till or pick. He had land of his own.
My folks ALWAYS announce their visits either a day ahead or a few hours.
DH also has kin that will stop by and free load collards in the winter. Same thing, if we aren't home, they'll wait or come back.
I'm so very bad and have hidden in the house before. when I just didn't feel liie being social. 
Sure do wish the house could be paid off a lot quicker and we could do some serious remodeling. Something to steak a claim and make it different than what the dad remembers as a child. Still, we could be in debt up to our eyeballs to a foreign bank --so it could be waaay worse.
At least they live about 45 minutes away. Sometimes that's not far enough.
Luckily our dog doesn't bark, so we can both hide together.  |
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StarMeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
940 Posts
T
MI
940 Posts |
Posted - May 25 2009 : 04:23:21 AM
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Whatever you decide to do, it should be soon. Friends of mine are on the brink of divorce because of a similar situation. She's really struggling with the drop-in visits and the "when I was raising my kids..." comments. We were lucky that neither of our parents would drop-in. Mostly because they lived so far away that it would be a waste of a tank of gas to drop by and have no one home. You could keep up the status quo and continue to harbor resentment...but that stuff is hard to get rid of. You could try just going about your business. Maybe if you just announced when they walked in the door...oh, how nice of you to drop by. I'm really busy, we can chat for about 1/2 hour but then it's back to business! Or you could always do the, I was just on my way out, thing. Or you could just say that Sunday is your family day. Since your MIL "asked" for a preference day, talking about this could stem from that conversation. Remember when you asked what would be a good day for a visit...well... Regardless, I'd talk to her about it. She'll either get over it or she won't but I wouldn't let this stress tie you up in knots. Life is too short!
Take care! |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - May 26 2009 : 06:05:23 AM
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Good luck with this one!! In-law stuff is hard to handle and to take if hubby won't set the record straight in the first place. Have personal experience and knowledge with this one!
My experience has been you have to take the bull by the horns and lay it on the line with in-laws. What I've learned to do is to have my life and leave hubby to do the talking and I'm out at the barn doing my thing, getting things done. It ticks the in-laws off, don't mistake that, but I have things to do and they won't get done by themselves. There isn't much love lost between us anyway.
I'm pretty sure when in-laws do this, it's some sort of power play over you. Just don't play the game. Depending on how severe your situ is, and how much you care that they 'like/love' you, flex it how it best suits you. Try not to depend on hubby to fix it either. Do the best you can and you can always vent here...I sure do!! :-)
Winona :-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - May 26 2009 : 10:32:52 AM
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>> I could be a smart A--- an' say do what we did -- Moved clear across the country so something like this never happenz <<
But that probably isn't something you can do...
But definetly get this situation under control before you become a doormat. My DH wouldn't say a word if his family did something like this. He just isn't into being forceful with them. Me? -- I let it fly when I was out in Calif in '04 -- that was the last we saw them.
Hope you can work something out.
Laurianne |
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Janneane Hazlip
True Blue Farmgirl
67 Posts
Janneane
Fort Scott
Kansas
USA
67 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2009 : 6:00:37 PM
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| Sounds like the Everybody Loves Raymond real life situation. Wish I had good advise but can only offer sympathy. Peace and quiet are such rare commodities. Maybe you could post the sign like the one I saw at a gift shop one day. It said....WELCOME FRIENDS, RElATIVES BY APPOINTMENT ONLY. |
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one_dog_per_acre
True Blue Farmgirl
1572 Posts
Trish
Sandpoint
ID
USA
1572 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2009 : 8:27:29 PM
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If you can't be direct, or DH won't, work them really hard, until they start to call to make sure you aren't in the middle of a chore marathon. Plop a laundry basket in front of your MIL, say you need help. Don't answer the door one time, and see how that goes.
Anna-make a sign for the door that says collards $5
Trish
Make cupcakes not war!
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 06:01:27 AM
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Trish that is a cute idea!
My MIL lives about 100 feet from me! She NEVER leaves. The worst part for me is that she thinks my stuff is hers. Our house belonged to my hubbys dads parents. When they passed on his family rented it out for a few years. During this time his mom took care of the mowing etc around the house. Well mowing is one thing but she is costantly messing with other stuff of mine. She will come over and give my chickens things they shouldnt eat. She will pour theur feed on the ground (which they then wont eat). I have a willow tree that I planted when my hubby and I got married. I found this cool pattern for a basket made with willow branches. My tree had all kinds of little shoots coming out of it and I was waiting for them to get bigger so i could cut them and make a basket. Well one day I came home from work and she had cut all of the shoots off along with a bunch of branches and told me it was because my tree "looked ugly and unkempt"!!!! Of course I cant say anything and hubby gets mad if I complain and makes excuses for her. I guess this is just hoe it is for the daughters-in-law of the world!
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
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ChicChick
True Blue Farmgirl
64 Posts
Joy
64 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 2:32:55 PM
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Thanks for all the ideas, ladies. I talked with my husband about this again and he offered to speak to his mother. I guess it went over okay--I'm keeping my fingers crossed but this weekend was the first in a LONG time that we didn't see them. It was...restful!
Thanks again!
-Joy
Visit me online! www.achickwithaconscience.blogspot.com |
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Diane B Carter
True Blue Farmgirl
1270 Posts
Diane
Blasdell
N.Y.
USA
1270 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 3:31:30 PM
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My mom used to come over every day 5 or 6 times a day. She was my neighbor until I moved. But I started to say oh good Mom could you finish mopping for me. Or how did you do it with 4 of us, I only have 2. When she told me I have my silverware in the wrong drawer,it belongs here. I said in your home you do it your way in my home I'll do it my way. and my favorite line to mom is "Mom, don't you think you did a good job raising me?? Now when I go to my home on the week-ends she still follows me around, like a lost puppy. I have pulled a chair with me so my mom can sit and watch me pull weeds.
Maybe your in laws are just bored and want to help out by doing things, let them refold towels or watch your kids while you go to the store.
My mom still brings in my mail just so she can see what I get, I should order playboy.
Smile, and hope you don't turn into her when your own children are growen.
Hope all your days are Sunnydays.
dianebcarterhotmailcom.blogspot.com |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 5:09:37 PM
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I think what I would do first is the next time you know they are coming have a plan that when they walk up to the door you answer and tell them that you already made plans for the day and are leaving for groceries, a walk, or whatever. And then get your shoes on and leave! They may stand there expecting you to stay because they are there but you can then make a comment that next time they can call first to see if you all are available for an afternoon visit. They need to know that just because you are home doesn't mean that you have "time" to visit. Or you can let them know that you will call them and let them know a time and day when you are free to visit. Before they started doing this did you invite them over often? Maybe they feel like if they call they will just be put off or that they have to stop with no notice to see you. Every Sunday afternoon is too much through. Let them know that once or twice a month is better.
-Elizabeth |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2009 : 03:25:35 AM
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Oh gads.I would just die if my inlaws or any family mine or hubbys EVER moved in that close
That's unhealthy and steiffling for shure!
MIL once threatened to move into the bouse her son owns down the road.
Luckily it's too unrealistic since its way small and still 3 people living in a 2 story wherer they are now. |
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2009 : 06:57:57 AM
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"Friends welcome, Relatives by appointment"...how funny!! Or the plopping a load of laundry that needs sorting in front of your MIL!!
Yep, the one thing I've learned is to try not to be the bothering MIL type...and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I sure know how miserable it can be to be on the receiving end!
Winona :-)
To read funny stories about my cooking 'skills', please visit http://lostadventuresincooking.blogspot.com/
For uber-opinionated, pleasurable horse related reading, please visit http://horseinfoperson.blogspot.com/
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Mamarude
True Blue Farmgirl
107 Posts
Anna
Durango
Colorado
USA
107 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2009 : 07:06:10 AM
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We suffered through in law stuff for the first 10 years of our marriage, Finally we up and moved across the country and we've never been happier, except for the 1 week or so a year when they come to visit. I always tell my dh, we have such a happy marriage until your family comes to visit, Why do I hate you for one week out of the year? I have two sons, and I'm taking notes to (hopefully) be a better mother in law.
Cherian
Durango farmgirl |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 5:07:29 PM
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We had a similar issue and my advice (or two cents worth) is to not stop what you were doing. If they come over maybe simply say "I don't mean to be rude but I was just in the middle of...., you're welcome to come in but I really have to get .... done" and keep doing what you were doing. Or I was just going down for nap with the baby, we had a long night. Don't feel obligated to entertain them and if they see that you're not droping everything they'll eventually take the hint. You're not being unpleasant in telling them that you did have things going on. You've told them often enough to call ahead. Or another idea put them to work "watching" the kids.
But I know it's very hard not to become resentful and terse in that situation.
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jun 07 2009 : 11:27:33 AM
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Some great advise going on. I never had a problem with the in-laws because they did not think I was suitable to marry their son, which I did. LOL The first visit to the in-laws was something else for me. The mom says to my DH after I gave her a picture of me and my son (from a previous marriage), "You robbed the cradle!" My husband is 16 years older. I had put the ages on the back of the picture. Oh, well... I never got visits. After reading all of the chats I guess thing turned out pretty good for me. LOL
Now the mother-in-law is in an assisted living place. I went with my DH once to visit. The MIL says, "What is she doing here?" That was it for me. But I still remind my DH when his mothers birthday is, etc...
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Calico Countess
Farmgirl in Training
16 Posts
Christie
Bow Island
Alberta
Canada
16 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2009 : 10:19:15 PM
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I have a MIL that is very....clingy. If she had her way, we'd all (and I mean my husband, kids and his brother's family and both sister's families) live on the same block with tunnels connecting our homes and eat every meal together and spend every blessed waking moment in happy (quite doubtful) togetherness. If my husband does not phone her every day, she'll call him and make comments along the lines of "We could be dead and you'd not know, no one cares, etc". I've learned to take it with a grain of salt (after 15 yrs of marriage) and just count my blessings that we are about 30 miles down the road.
My suggestion to you is if your husband's chat with his folks does not work, then to politely stand your ground on the phoning ahead issue. With any luck your husband's talk with his family will do the trick. Good luck! :-)
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful" ~ Mae West |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 03:32:51 AM
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Christie,
Sounds like that mom has control/mental issues
What a pain!
I wouldn't be able to stand the thickly laid guilt trip |
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Calico Countess
Farmgirl in Training
16 Posts
Christie
Bow Island
Alberta
Canada
16 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2009 : 6:52:00 PM
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Hi Anna,
You know, after awhile you just roll your eyes and realize that there's something more going on there than you'll ever be able to fix. Overall, I think she does have a good heart and does mean well, but there are times that the patience does get tested. The only thing I really can do is try and learn how I want to be as a mother-in-law when the time comes. Of course, this viewpoint did not happen overnight, it took a few years to develop.
I know one thing my husband and I do is he takes care of any issues arising from his side of the family and I deal with mine. We also stick together on what our decision is and just remember that we both left our parents to make our own family and *that* is where our loyalties must lie. Having said that though, families and in-laws are always complex and there's always other "stuff" involved, which is why we can always choose our friends when we can't choose our relatives! ;-D
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful" ~ Mae West |
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wncmtnmama
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Marilyn
Asheville
NC
25 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2009 : 1:14:24 PM
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I too have the in-law problem. My husband's family surrounds us (mother and father in law, brother in law, 2 aunts, 4 cousins) and used to think that they could just "walk in" our house at anytime. After a week of this, I starting locking our front door (and I still do to this day, 24 years later). When his mom and dad rang the door bell one evening, I went to the door with my bathrobe on and opened it - Mother in law asks "why was the door locked?" and my reply was "we're newlyweds and we're gettin' it on - come back in an hour and a half and we'll be ready to visit" (we were actually eating dinner and my husband didn't want to "deal" with the issue at hand - he is so non-confrontational). My mother in law has not darkened my door since then unless she was invited - my father in law, well, he doesn't come to the door anymore, but he sure helps himself to my backyard, water hose, garden - whatever, but he doesn't "disturb" me.
I had asked my husband repeatedly to help me with problems with the Aunt's and cousins, but they just ignored him because the manner in which he told them was not "stern" enough. We would even leave in the mornings on Sunday and not come home until after dark or wouldn't come home from work and just drive around or walk around a park to keep from running into these folks. He finally got to the point where he told me to get them to stop (in the past, he's dealt with his family, I've dealt with mine). I finally felt cornered and pushed around by my sister in law one afternoon (mother's day) and I snapped - I told her that just because I was home, in my yard or on my porch did NOT mean I was accepting visitors and if she wants her child and mine to have a playdate, she needs to call and arrange these things. We had a brief stare-down, but after a very awkward 2 minutes, she left my porch and went over to my mother in law's. Needless to say, to the in-laws I am a heathen, but my time with my husband and daughter couldn't be better.
I'm not saying it's the best way to go, but being direct and blunt worked for my situation. I didn't tell the Sister in law our children could not play, I said these things have to be worked out IN ADVANCE. I wonder if you changed things up on your inlaws, how that would work. Call them on Monday and ask them if they can come over for dinner on Thursday because "I know you like to visit on Sundays, but Sundays don't work for us - Thursday would be much better, we can have nice leisurely dinner and visit for a little while before the kids/I go to bed". If they say no, then ask "well, how about the Thursday after that?" And on Sunday, hide the cars and don't answer the door - make it a game. Or if you can't hide your cars and they later ask why you didn't answer the door - you can say - oh, so-and-so from church/work/book club took us out to dinner/to the park/outdoor concert/coffee and dessert/picnic to celebrate their promotion/good news/new car.
Hope this helps. |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 09:41:03 AM
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Just my opinion, of course, but if I was in your situation I think I would just make myself accept it. Nobody likes intruders to an otherwise peaceful day, but they ARE family and probably don't even think they're being an inconvience. My MIL drives me nuts and I'm terribly uncomfortable around her, but I bite the bullet and be as pleasant as I possibly can be because I know how much she loves my husband.
Be thankful they love you all enough to want so much to be involved in your life. And starting to treat them more like family instead of guests might help, too. Like saying, "Oh, you all caught me just as I was going to clean the bathroom. Maybe you can help me out by [holding/changing/whatever] the baby, or would you mind tossing in a load of clothes for me?" Like I said, my MIL makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells, so sitting and conversing with her is really difficult for me. But fortunately, if I can stay busy - say, with cleaning up the kitchen, I can ask, "Jeannette, would you mind running the vacuum for me while I finish up here?" - she feels needed and I don't feel like I have to keep conversation going. One of two things will happen - either they will be happy to help and you'll get some much-needed assistance around the house, or else they'll be put out and won't want to visit anymore. Either way, problem solved!
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl Sisterhood #134 |
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CherryMeDarlin
True Blue Farmgirl
602 Posts
Cherry
Odenville
AL
USA
602 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 11:52:19 AM
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Interesting thread. I like all the different ways you girls cope with the MIL issue. My MIL has three boys, my husband being the middle one. The very first time I met her was when we went to tell her that we were getting married and I was pregnant. She looked me right in the eye and said, "I'm not ready to be a grandmother." WELL! I was a just-turned-18 yo kid and that broke my heart! A couple of months later, I lost the baby. She must have felt a twinge of guilt, cause her attitude towards me changed somewhat. What really helped me was that she absolutely hated the eldest son's girlfriend and eventual wife as well as the youngest son's. Over the years, she's mellowed out and isn't interfering at all. She's almost indifferent. She doesn't like to be bothered too much by any of us and pretty much keeps to herself. The only power-play that went on was between her and the eldest son's wife. She's actually been a good MIL to me. The only real problem I've ever had was that she must have never really been ready to be a grandmother because she never wanted to babysit for any of the grandkids. They've never been welcomed to spend-the-night or anything. And really, it's not MY problem, it's her's because of the wonderful memories and moments she's missed out on with them. And I feel sad for the grandkids because I had/have wonderful relationships with my grandparents and my mama and daddy are creating wonderful relationships with their grandkids. She just doesn't know what's she's missed out on!
But my two-cents worth, Joy, is to turn the tables on your in-laws. Drop by at their house willy-nilly, especially at time's when you know they're involved with something, about to sit down to dinner or about to go to bed or it's just plain inconvenient. Some times a person just can't understand until they're placed in the position they put others in. And if they say something about it, you can reply that you didn't think they'd mind since they tend to do the same to you. This technique is kind of my modus operandi because I HATE confrontations, too! Or you could get one of those little signs with a clock on it that store keepers use, saying they'll be back at a certain time, and hang it on the front door! LOL!
~~Cherry~~
http://cherrymedarlin.blogspot.com
"A thing is as simple or as complicated as you make it." --TT Murphy |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Jun 22 2009 : 12:12:44 PM
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We actually had that problem with the FIL. Once, the hubsters and I were romantically involved and he walked in the door. As we scrambled, he stood there embarressed and stupid looking. He was like "guess I should've knocked". Ya think???
I DO have that sign, friends welcome, family by appt. And MIL calls all the time. HA!
Maybe you should do a little neckin in the kitchen when she comes over and maybe she'll leave directly! LMAO! I see it as a win win. You get private time with hubby and MIL is outta there!
Dawn #279
MJ's Heirloom Mavens-QMD
http://harvestthyme.blogspot.com
~the only thing for certain, is uncertainty~ |
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Family Matters: In-Laws Uninvited Visits |
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In-Laws Uninvited Visits
