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Across the Fence:  Oh boy, I've created a monster.  |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 1:54:56 PM
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The first couple of years we lived here, I didn't have any friends in this town and I occassionally wished I had someone to share a cup of coffee with once in a while. With my business, I'm pretty busy, but sometimes there's nothing like an "in person" friend. Well, a lady I met about a year ago recently returned to home after working full time and it's kind of turning into a problem for me. I'm not sure how to handle it - she's very sweet to me and I don't want to offend her or hurt her feels but I'm not sure what to do and how to do it.
She comes over every day.
If I don't answer the door, she will knock, then open the door and call for me. If I don't come to the door, she'll come back to the sewing studio to see if I'm there and just didn't hear her ringing and calling. She knows Mike takes my van to work now so she also knows if the truck is parked in the carport, I'm probably home. I've told her that I"m busy getting ready for this show, or that, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm stumped what to do without seeming rude.
She is constantly bringing me homemade goodies, or books she thinks I might enjoy, and that is getting old too. Then she expects me to stop what I'm doing and make coffee and sit and chat for what ususally is about 1-2 hours. I don't want to seem ungrateful or anything, but I really need to spend my time on my business - dh and I have goals!
I guess you should be careful what you wish for because you might get it. 
Realistically, I know the only solution is to say something to her, so I'm going to have to work on that, but I appreciate you listening - I feel better having gotten this off my chest!!
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 2:03:27 PM
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Yeah, the only way is to be kind but blunt. I had a neighbor like that once. The day she moved into the apartment next door, she left her daughter with me, a complete stranger! Her "Would you mind watching her for a little bit?" (my front door was open) turned into a couple of hours. It just got worse from there, popping in whenever she chose. I was stuck at home with a new baby and no car to escape in. I finally just had to tell her that really, while I was home, there were things I needed to get done and to please call me first before coming over. I then handed her my phone number. Unfortunately there is just no easy solution.
Good luck!!
Karin
Farmgirl Sister
# 18 :)
www.perfectlittlemiracle.blogspot.com
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RuralSuburbia
True Blue Farmgirl
251 Posts
Leslie
Northern CA
USA
251 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 2:04:20 PM
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I was in the same boat. Wanted a neighbor friend so badly, now I just want her to find a job!
This is what I ended up doing, since I run a child care IN my home and she kept knocking/ringing the door bell during nap time. I painted a wooden sign and hang it on my door when I don't want to be disturbed. One side says "Shhh, babies sleeping" and the other side says "Please do not disturb". I also disconnected the actual door bell. My child care parents call my cell phone as they're pulling in, so I know when to expect them and not ignore the knock.
Or you can say, "Hey, I'm super busy today, but how 'bout we meet at the coffee shop next week?" Or "I'll meet ya outside after dinner and we can chat while the kids play/husbands mow grass/wash cars...etc. That works only sometimes, but doesn't hurt to give it a try.
Or run out of coffee. LOL
*I've got stars in my eyes and exactly $1 in my pocket!* |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 2:10:41 PM
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Good ideas. She doesn't actually live in my neighborhood - she drives into town about 5 miles everyday just to "drop by" so she really motivated I guess. Didn't know I was so fascinating LOL!
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Linder
True Blue Farmgirl
592 Posts
Linda
Lake Forest
IL
USA
592 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 2:57:38 PM
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Oh my you are in a pickle!
Sounds to me like she's lonely and feeling horribly displaced BUT no excuse for ignoring the importance of your goals etc..
I agree with you. You have to say something to her. I think we've all been in this situation before and the best any of us can do is to try to to say what we need to say without being mean.
The only pearl I can offer you is one that was given to me. Sweep your side of the street and stand firm. Be clear, don't beat around the bush AND finally you're not responsible for how she feels or interprets what you say to her. You're only responsible for taking care of you!
Good Luck and please keep us posted.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
www.mylusciousjourney.blogspot.com |
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Jami
True Blue Farmgirl
1238 Posts
Jami
Ellensburg
WA
USA
1238 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 3:31:44 PM
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Oh Sherri, finding a good friend who understands you and has boundaries isn't easy. If she's a friend she'll understand once you explain to her how you feel.
If she doesn't understand, guess she isn't as much of a friend as you had hoped. I would say be forcefully gentle in conveying your feelings. Either that or put her to work in your studio (in exchange for the coffee) and see how long she lasts! Free labor, girl!
Jami in WA
Farmgirl Sister #266
http://woolyinwashington.wordpress.com/
http://farmhouseflair.etsy.com |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 3:41:34 PM
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Isn't it so hard to be in this situation?! You just have to be blunt but nice about it, telling her that you enjoy her chats but there is a lot you need to get done and it would be easier if she called ahead to see if it was a good time for you. This, of course, may hurt her feelings and if she just drops off the face of the earth you could call her a week later and see if she is free for a chat to let her know that you meant what you said about wanting to see her but at reasonable times.
-Elizabeth |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 5:38:28 PM
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I would just tell her that you're sorry but you're working and that you have to get such-and-such finished today. Tell her if she wants to grab a chair she's welcome to chat while you work, but you cannot stop working. And don't!
I had this problem when we bought this place. EVERYONE wanted to come over and I loved the company...BUT, I had more jobs than time (still do this time of year!). It worked though. They soon realized that this was my job here and if they wanted to sit and chat while I worked it was fine but I was not stopping.
It was amazing to me how many people don't believe you work if you're at home.
Di |
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Laura Marie
True Blue Farmgirl
419 Posts
Laura
Rancho Cordova
California
USA
419 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 6:02:24 PM
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Wow, I guess some people just don't get it. Can you lock the door? It would get the point out that you are either out, or busy? Or maybe set up a day once a week where she is welcomed. Or when she shows up tell her you have to be somewhere at such and such time and be ready to go if you need too. I know that doesn't always work when you don't have a vehicle. Growing up, we had these family friends who would always come over on Sundays. They would just show up. I don't think it was ever planned they would just show up. We finally had a family plan, my uncle lived around the corner, so when they showed up we applogized and stated that next time call us, we had family plans and we left. Needless to say they called before to make sure we were home. We didn't care they came over, but we would end up feeding them as well and they never helped out with the food.
Good Luck and let us know how it goes for you!
Farm Girl Hugs!
Laura Marie #369
www.lauramariedesign.com
"It's not the size of the farm but the size of your heart!"
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Mar 23 2009 : 7:05:33 PM
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Sheri, forgive me if this is a totally hair-brained idea but is there any thing you could see her doing to 'help' you while you're in your studio working. You could still chat and get some help at the same time AND be giving her something to do, which it seems like she needs/wants. If she doesn't like the task then she won't be coming around and if she does, you get some help?
I know you were just needing to vent and not necessarily seeking solutions but this idea just popped into my mind. She's sounds so lovely...I don't know...just thought I'd throw it out there.
The advice you've received here is stellar and clearly setting boundaries and being honest is absolutely essential, but sometime just so darn hard!
My thoughts are with you as you stitch away!! ~julia
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com |
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2009 : 07:28:11 AM
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I think a good old fashioned heart to heart is in order. After working full time it would be extremely difficult to suddenly stop. If she hasn't any hobbies it would be more difficult to adjust. The next time she is over sit her down and talk to her. The more time goes by the harder it will be to talk. Also, have you asked her if she is interested in learning something about what you do. Maybe she doesn't understand the amount of time etc. that you put in with your business. Good luck with this situation.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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kpaints
True Blue Farmgirl
1564 Posts
karen
cheney
wa
1564 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2009 : 07:50:43 AM
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Maybe she would be interested in joining MJ's she could meet lots of new friends. I think there is a bunch of really good advice here and I am sure you will find a solution. Good luck. :)
Find your joy and live it. http://cheneybaglady.blogspot.com/http://www.kpaints.etsy.com FG #377 |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - Mar 24 2009 : 08:00:51 AM
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>> Oh Boyyy <<<
I had something similiar when we lived in an apt. in Arkansas..the neighbor 4 doors over would come over the minute she saw my front room light on, even if it was 7 a.m.!!
So, I'd have to sit & read the paper in the dark (!!) and hpe she'd go away. Finally, after she would sit, and sit, and Sit for hours in our apt., yaking away about nothing in particular, it finally dawned on me, that she'd been drinking.
A lot.
So, I casually mentioned something about the problem with drinking, how it causes soo many health problems, etc., etc. -- and every time she came by with no notice At All -- it got to where she wasn't comfortable with me talking about how bad it is to drink heavily.
It took some time, but it finally worked.
I don't know if this is anything you can use, hopefully not..but I know what you're going thru. Matter of fact, we have a neighbor down the road that was doing the same thing...
Once I realized she too, has a drug/drinking problem, I simply don't answer the door, or have anything that makes it look like I'm home at all.
Isn't it a pain to have to do something like this?
Best wishes to you with this problem!
Laurianne |
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Buffalomary
True Blue Farmgirl
199 Posts
Mary
Caldwell
ID
USA
199 Posts |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2009 : 04:44:31 AM
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I have an update - she has gotten a part time job - she still comes over a couple of days a week after she gets off work, but this temporary part time job has been a godsend - for both of us! Thanks for all your good thoughts and vibes!
Farmgirl Sister #98
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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Wildcrafter
True Blue Farmgirl
340 Posts
Suzanne
Seattle
WA
USA
340 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2009 : 06:56:04 AM
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Oh my! Can you hang a Do Not Disturb sign on your door?! Just kidding (kind of)!
I have a friend who calls me all the time who chats, read complaining, about the 3 following things: her retirement and how her husband isn't with her exactly on what she wants to do, how much she hates her job, and complaints about her husband. And every call has to be at least 45 minutes or more. It gets draining. And she wants to come "help" me with my products which means sitting on the couch talking non stop about these 3 subjects and not doing anything while my mind is reeling because I'm trying to think about what I need to do, make sure I'm making correct measurements and I tell you what, it's so draining. I finally quit answering her phone calls for a couple of weeks. So, I started getting messages from her saying, "I'm worried about you, you're not answering your phone, are you ok? Call me!" So, I sent her an email telling her I'm crazy busy right now and that she knows that when we talk it's never for less than 45 minutes and I have my season starting and can't take that kind of time. Then I did answer her next call and it was a ton easier. I just went on and on (kind of like I'm doing now! ha ha) about how busy I am and she knows how it is for me this time of year. We left off with her saying, "well call me if you want me to come over and help!" You know that's not going to happen. What I do that works for me is tell her I'll meet her somewhere. That way, I can leave when I want to and not be trapped in my own home. That's just a nasty feeling, isn't it? And guess what? We're strong women and can stand up to this type of dysfunctional behavior! No reason to be a victim. Life is too short, hey?
By the way, you didn't create this monster, she was already self absorbed before you even knew her!
That reminds me of a story. I used to be married to a native man and I met an elder woman who is a story teller. One of my favorites is this one:
Lady Louse was a sponge.
One day, she got self-absorbed.
That was the end of Lady Louse.
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I woke up on January 1st and it was 2009.
And it's been that way ever since!
www.goodnaturedearthling.com
Cedar Mountain Herb School
http://goodnaturedearthling.wordpress.com/
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Edited by - Wildcrafter on Mar 30 2009 07:46:50 AM |
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jinia
True Blue Farmgirl
152 Posts
jinia
mo
USA
152 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2009 : 08:10:10 AM
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I am sorry! So hard to deal with nicely. My mom always says I am antisocial (a little true ) because I have a no neighbor chat rule. I try to not be chatty (and I am a talker...) with any neighbors ever. My first apartment I had had that neighbor who wanted to come over and talk for hours. I realized I had been to friendly when I moved in. I know it sounds awful but home is a sanctuary - my families. I don't want to be on guard or worried about the friendly neighbor. So we usually have open house every other week. Folks stop in and we visit maybe snack play games. I told that neighbor that is the only day we recieve vistors outside of family. She wasn't thrilled but eventually it worked out well. There is no good way - good luck! |
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Across the Fence: Oh boy, I've created a monster. |
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Oh boy, I've created a monster.
