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Family Matters:  Change in a marriage???  |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 12:12:40 PM
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Edited by - catscharm74 on Jan 29 2009 12:08:40 PM |
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 12:28:19 PM
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| Not sure about the particulars, of course, but I know he's been away on active duty until just a couple months ago, right? Maybe it's taking him some time to get up to speed with all the changes that have taken place. Plus, maybe he wants to enjoy the kind of life he left behind and it will take him awhile to get to a point where he wants to change it. If I'm totally off the mark, just disregard it. But that would be my first reaction based on what you've shared here about your personal circumstances. |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 1:06:24 PM
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Edited by - catscharm74 on Jan 29 2009 12:08:25 PM |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 2:33:58 PM
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Heather, you have been on your own for a long time now. I think it is pretty common and natural for you and Scott not to be in the same place right now. I hate to say it but I have found a lot of men think self improvement and going in new directions and
changes to your life are a bunch of mumbo gumbo and aren't into taking these things as seriously as we women do. Is he still in the military or not? You have done a lot of soul seaching and made a lot of changes for yourself. You have really been trying hard to get it all together and make the dreams you have come true. It seems he is not on the same page as you are right now. I have to say I feel one of the biggest problems with men and women is that many times the woman grows in so many ways and the guys stay the same. It can cause trouble because you feel you are not as compatable as you were. Time may well resolve the problem for you. He may be more willing to talk and tell you how he feels. It can be a long process. You are very right in wanting to make the best life for yourself and your family. I personally believe a woman has to be happy and fulfilled or she is not being true to herself and that is a recipe for disaster. You lived through this at home and can see what it does when you only live someone elses dreams and not your own. There can be compromise between the two of you it may just take some time to find the common ground. He may be having some trouble getting used to the new very together you,it may even intimidate him a bit. That could be why he is always trying to tell you his better way of doing things. Just keep talking and keep the communication flowing. I hope this helped at least a little bit.
Hugs to you, Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 4:42:15 PM
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Definatly seek out counseling, if he won't go, do by yourself. You say he is not depressed, from experience I can tell you that depression takes many different forms and he may well be depressed but doesn't exhibit the typical signs. Coming home after 10 months away is enough change to bring on many emotions that he may well not be able to deal with on his own. Hope you work this out.
Hugs, Kathy |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 5:09:56 PM
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I agree with the counseling. He will need to hear from someone objective that he needs to well, grow up.
He sounds like he may feel a little threatened by the new and improved Heather.
Also, you could tell/yell at him til' your blue in the face about what you want, and how you want things, and it doesn't mean he is listening. It has been my experience that men say they are listening, but it doesn't mean he hears what we say.
Also, men tend to be martyrs if you ask them to do ANYTHIHNG besides wipe their own rears and comb their hair.
Pick your battles on that, and take in stride.
*hugs*
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Jan 28 2009 5:12:28 PM |
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babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2009 : 5:25:23 PM
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While my answer seems so easy to say here it is: I think that what you are going through is normal in a situation such as yours. You WERE a single mother while your husband was gone and now that he is back you want and need time for yourself, a partner, and to find yourself. That's okay and normal. Your husband has been away and probably needs time to ease into family life again and relearn how to be a husband and please you and even be a daddy. While he was away you probably thought about how romantic, how much easier, and how nice it would be to have him home. He probably sat there and thought how great it would be to be back home and how satisfied you would be just to have him there. And then bam...reality strikes when he gets back and things don't fit perfectly into place and everyone is frustrated and confused and unhappy. That's normal.
But, it is not fun to live like that. I think if you let him know, not in anger, how you love when he dresses up and how sexy he looks he would understand that jeans and a t-shirt weren't okay for the date. Or how nice it is to have help now and how you want to take a one hour nap. It won't be taken as a demand from you to him but more as a compliment. I *think* that may help things fall into place. Ask him what he wants too...he hasn't been a part of the family (in a sense) for awhile and probably thinks you are trying to take control of everything (which is because you had to be in control of everything before and maybe he didn't like the fact that you really were able to do it all without him!). It will get better and it actually can make your marriage better by opening the communication barriers and you can grow together as individuals and as a couple.
Hugs,
Elizabeth |
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Family Matters: Change in a marriage??? |
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Change in a marriage???
