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Family Matters:  Aging In-laws and alzheimer  |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 07:00:24 AM
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What do you do when you have in-laws that have never really been helpful or considerate to your husband and yourself and now need help. DH's mom and dad moved away (3 hour drive one way) from any relative about 12 years ago to live at the coast - at that time we tried to talk to them to see if they had a plan in case something happened - since DH's mom does not drive. They did not want our opinion and we were told to stay out. Well these last two years my father-in-law has developed alzheimers and it progressing rapidly. He no longer drives, walks with a walker and barely knows who everyone is. My mother-in-law it taking care of him in their home and has a senior companion that comes in a few times a week for 4 hour periods so that she can go do something for herself. She also has dial a ride to get her around and friends that help with major grocery shopping. DH goes down every other month for a weekend to check on them. The problem is the miles are starting to add up on our car, he has a business to run and we are remodeling a house. When we try to offer to look into other living arrangements for his mom and dad closer to home - to make it easier on everyone - she tells him to mind his own business. When do you stop? We can not continue this schedule indifinitely do to upkeep costs on the vehicle and our time to take care of things in our own life - DH is the good son and is feeling guilty. I feel it is no ones fault that this has happened, but I am tried of mother-in-law laying the guilt because she is holding the bag. It has caused many arguments in our house.
Anne in Portland,OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 07:52:00 AM
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Wow, that's a tough one. Sounds like your MIL is never going to give in and your FIL is going to pass on soon. Unfortunately, your hubby is probably always going to feel obligated and could suffer really serious guilt issues if he stopped doing what he's doing and they died. I've seen it happen with people I know. There are no easy answers, here. Either your hubby feels guilty and awful or you guys keep spending time and money that you are hard pressed to spend. I guess it would basically come down to what's more important to both of you? And can you guys fix whatever issues come up with either decision? I can just imagine that this is causing some strain between you and your hubby. Maybe you guys can come up with a plan or compromise that will alleviate some of the financial and time constraints you have without your hubby feeling like he's a lousy son? It'll take some serious conversation and I hope you guys can work it out.
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog:
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 07:54:13 AM
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Anne - the same situation happened to us - only it was my mom that had the Alzheimers. If your husband has siblings maybe you could try to spread the responsibilities around a little. In our case, I am an only child and there is no one else to help - I've just had to realize that this is part of my life right now. My dad has passed away since Mom got sick - mom tried to live in her house by herself for awhile, but it was obvious she couldn't do it. I'm sorry to tell you this, but we had to end up selling our house and moving in to care for her, until she became too ill to be at home anymore. We both had jobs and lives and a home in our old town which was about 90 miles away, but we had no choice. At first I was her 24/7 caregiver, but she became too ill and too abusive, so we ended up putting her into an adult family home. I had terrible guilt about it, but it's a nice place and she seems happy there. We bought another house, got new jobs (mine is dissolving on Feb. 10) and go to see her as often as we can - but we are partially financially responsible for her and the decision we made. It's a big life upheaval - no doubt about it - but you have to do what's best for your family - your whole family. Know that you are not alone - there are LOTS of us Alzheimer's families out here. You ask - when do you stop? I know how you feel - you feel very stretched thin right now - but also know that you are more resiliant than you think you are. You can e-mail me if you want to talk about it.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 09:45:19 AM
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I guess what is so frustrating is that this does not have to be so hard. DH’s mom has admitted that there are things that have to be done on the house that she can not do and we can not afford to pay to be done. She does not like yard work – thank God they don’t have a lawn to mow. The guilt that DH feels if he doesn’t go is unnecessary – his mother loads it on, she always has. No there are no siblings to help – my brother in law lives in Phoenix and has his own issues and DH’s ½ sisters (2) one is handicap herself and the other lives in San Diego and his ½ brother is busy with taking care of his mother.
What makes me mad is that DH’s mom will not even look at any options. We offered to do all the research, see what the state will pay for, etc and she won’t hear of it. There are facilities in the Portland metro area that are very nice that the state will help with that are independent/assisted living. She is in her late 70’s and his dad is in his late 80’s. She rather have DH rearrange his life to suit hers, she won’t meet us half way. This is the same couple that would not lift a finger to help us in any way shape or form with our wedding, house remodel etc. They were always too busy or were afraid we were going to ask for money, which we would never do.
One thing – which might sound cruel – we had a talk way before this happened that there is no way we can help his parents financially. That we agreed not to tie ourselves to their bills, etc in any way shape or form and that they can not come to live with us. It was an agreement to preserve our sanity and our marriage.
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 2:57:02 PM
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My mom wouldn't hear of going to assisted living either - said ABSOLUTELY not. We had to wait until she was so ill that she really didn't know what was going on to place her. Sounds a lot like the same situation with you - my parents wouldn't contribute a dime to the wedding when dh and I got married - didn't think it would last I guess. We've been married since 1971!
If you find a way to avoid tangling your finances up with hers, please e-mail me and let me know. I have been looking for away for Mom to get state help for 3 years - she makes too much to qualify, and not enough to pay her bills. We had NO choice, but to help her. We can't afford it either - we have had to dip into our retirement. So, please - if you hear of any programs, etc. - let me know. Although - Oregon may be different than WA.
Farmgirl Sister #98
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2009 : 3:12:48 PM
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I am going to start researching with or without the mother in laws approval. There are facilities here that have what they call state vouchers/grants that depending on the persons income will help with the costs - but it comes with a price. They will have to sell their house and live on a strict budget, but it would mean they would be closer in to us and other family. Right now DH has been able to have the state pay for the "senior companion" which has been great. This gives his mom 4 hours off 3 times a week to go do something fun without having to worry about his dad. The state also paid for cleaning up their carpet have a "mishap" that involved his dad as well. There is help out there but you have to search. We were advised by our financial advisor not to have our name on anything that requires payments (ie, taxes, bills, house, etc). It is ok to be a co-signer on a checking account, but that is about it. Otherwise the state would come after us for bills. Like I said it would be easier if she would work with us instead of against us in trying to help her and DH's dad. I told DH that we have to worry about her health as well - she can't keep this pace up for much longer before the stress gets to her and then we would have to people that are in need of medical attention instead of one.
I am just afraid that one day we will get a call from her in a panic and want to move now, which seems to be her way of doing things.
Anne in Portland, OR
"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them" Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh
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Family Matters: Aging In-laws and alzheimer |
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Aging In-laws and alzheimer
