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Family Matters:  My family is driving me over the edge...  |
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 01 2008 : 7:42:29 PM
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Help! I have a horrible situation with my brother and sister-in-law, a not so great relationship with another brother and his wife, and haven't seen my other brother for over 4 years. So here is my dilemma...would you attend a family Christmas at your parents' house if this was the case....had a total blow out with the one brother and his wife just a couple months ago. I would have my parents here the day of Christmas instead of attending their get together on Christmas Eve. What would you do...go and just not talk to anyone, or just not go all together?
On top of that someone totally "burnt" me today, I have been a stay at home mom for almost a year now, and this person, who also happens to be my pastor, told me that I need to start searching out the "purpose" for my life, then told me it's time for me to decide what I want to do when I grow up. Ummm, well I'm 27, I have two children under age 3, my husband and I have a 10,000 hog farm for which I do all the financials, I think I'm busy enough. He said I need to focus on something other than what's going on inside the four walls of my home. But this is where I've felt God calling me, to be here taking care of my dh and dds...that is Biblical, is it not? Don't people know how hard it is to be a stay at home mom anyhow, let alone when people are saying stuff like that to you....
Sorry for the vent, just sooo frustrated, depressed, and worthless feeling right now. Thanks for listening and any advice is much appreciated! |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2008 : 8:00:44 PM
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Hi Ashley,
I am not sure about the Christmas family thing. That is something that you will really have to pray about and seek God's answer for that one. Families are all different and there isn't a family out there that doesn't have stress..Trust me...lol:O)
NO NO NO NO! Don't you let anyone ever make you feel worthless. As a child of God you are the most special unique person in the whole world and God has made you and your life and your personality just as HE wants it to be!!!
As far as your Pastor goes (and I hope that you will forgive me if I go off into an accidental rant) He should mind his Ps and Qs. God calls us as wives to be consumed with our own four walls. We are supposed to be those helpmeets, those keepers at home who are raising the next godly generation! Other people think that just because we as wives stay home and take care of our families that we are not fulfilled, like if it doesn't make a paycheck, its not a real job. Last time I checked however, my "Mom credentials" are looking pretty darn good! Chauffer, maid, chef, teacher, philanthropist, and over all domestic hold-it-all-together. To have a farm on top of that is an awesome responsibility in itself. Does your husband feel God would call you away from home?
Girl, you are being and doing just what God has called you to do. Don't let someone else step in on your personal relationship with God. Only YOU can know what He has called you to. :O)
Hope that helps a little. I would like to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through and I can at least give you a peek that I do a little.
I am a 27 yr old full time stay at home mom too! :O)and I praise God that He has called me to the highest calling there is!
HUGS! (Don't worry, God says "Blessed are ye when men revile you and persecute you and say all manner of evil against you." :O)
HUGS
Jessie
Farmgirl Sister #235
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Dec 01 2008 : 10:14:39 PM
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From one stay at home mom to another- it is a tough job. I only have the one, but I go to college via the internet and am trying to have a home business as well. It is hard some days to keep the roof from collapsing. I think those who work out side the home fill a place in society but those of us who work at home do to. If that is where you feel you are needing to be- you are knowing more about that situation than anyone else including your spiritual leader!
I think with the family stuff- that is really hard. If, no matter what they say or do or have done in the past, you can grin and bear it- then perhaps it is worth it to spend the day all as a family. If not, you could plan a immediate family only thing for your husband and children and they you could truthfully say you have a commitment to you children and husband and would be happy to entertain the next day.
*hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 06:52:01 AM
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Ashley, I am so sorry!
First off with the family thing; is there anyway to work things out before Christmas this year?, even if it is you saying you're sorry (sorry doesnt mean YOU are wrong, it just means, you're sorry about the conflict and for the kids in the family you want to make it right). If you can't make it right, then make it peaceful. I think if you make your choice based on what is in the best interrest of you, your husband and your kids, you will be fine and love the day.
Second. Pastor's are just people too and often times what comes out of their mouths isn't a true reflection of their hearts.He may have been trying to steer you into "your own greatness". Some people see things in us that we don't yet see. I would guess that if you sat with him and asked him what he ment vs what you heard (that you aren't doing enough,etc), you would discover that isn't maybe what he was saying. And of course if it was what he was saying please send me his email address :)..........being a full time wife and mom is the hardest and best job you'll ever have... and if you find time to do something that feeds your spirit, whether it been sewing or painting or writing.. well that is just heaven.........
Best wishes to you. But please, whatever you do.. Just decide right here and now that this Christmas is going to be the best Chrsitmas ever... and Joy will follow. happy holidays!
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
http://farmchicksfarm.blogspot.com/
Circumstances made us FRIENDS; MaryJane's has made us SISTERS :) |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 06:56:54 AM
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OK- first, being a Mom IS the hardest, most sacrificing unpaid job on Earth- not to be a martyr but to realize you are not worthless for not "finding your purpose" in the eyes of someone else. If this is where you are supposed to be in life at this moment, then embrace it for all you can. You will know when it is time for something different- you start to question things more, you look for outlets, you want that CHANGE!!! You are good Mama, wife and business woman- you are acquiring all the skills in life that you will ever need just by being home. If you still need to do something, perhaps voluneteer. That can help put perspective on things for you and maybe steer you in the right direction.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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Suzan
True Blue Farmgirl
659 Posts
suzanne
duncannon
pa
USA
659 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 07:13:03 AM
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| ditto to everything said here, and just remember that pastors are just people, and some are, like the rest of us, way off base!!!! |
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 09:24:39 AM
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I think before we all criticize this pastor, we need to know more about the context in which his comments were made.
Let me give you an example. My ex next-door-neighbor was a sahm. All she ever did was gripe and moan about her husband and her messy kids. By her own admission, she never taught her kids what her expectations were -- she said it was just easier to pick up after them than it was to "train them". At every block party, every time she talked to us over the fence, etc., she complained. Her husband finally told her that being a sahm really must make her unhappy, so perhaps she shouldn't do it anymore.
Now, I'm definitely not saying this is the case in this situation, but I would carefully analyze what I'm doing or not doing that might have led a minister to make such a comment.
As for Christmas, do what brings peace to you and your family.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
Please email me for all your BeautiControl needs! |
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K-Falls Farmgirl
Chapter Leader
2096 Posts
Cheryl
Klamath Falls
Oregon
USA
2096 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 09:42:16 AM
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hmmm I think You know what's best for you and your fmaily.. If changes need to be made...or not.. Things not changed are chosen..Be true to yourself. Christmas is probably not the best time to confront family, do it before if thats your decision. I know where you are coming from with family... these people, you did not choose to be in your life.. they came with you.. Try to make the best of it. There is something good in there...((((hugs)))
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
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LauriP
True Blue Farmgirl
239 Posts
Laurianne
Hertford
North Carolina
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 10:01:10 AM
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>>Wow!<<
I'm new here, but have had the exact same experiences you're going thru! For several years, we had the problem of in-laws just being horrid to us -- cat fights are what come to mind. There was no way we could afford to drive to the inlaws home an hour & a half away, and try to sit thru the thick and rancid feeling surrounding the most joyful day of the year. Deciding it was best for us, we chose to not attend the dinners, and it became a much better situation for us.
As for the Pastor and his remarks -- tho our pastor was not one to demean what I did as a stay-at-home mother, he did want what was best for our family. Both Tom & I were out of work at one point, and by the grace of God, we both got jobs within a matter of days. However, this did not bode well with members of my sunday school class, and during the middle of a discussion in class, I became verbally attacked by class members, saying that it was a horrible thing for a mother to "abandon (sp) their children, to lust after the working world, and the material things that go with all that..." -- Stunned and in tears, I could only feebly attempt to state my case. The job was temporary tho, and once it was over, there were still ugly barbs being thrown at me.
The solution was to attempt and keep my life in a quiet mode -- keep the home clean, the acreage mowed...had some crafts to keep me busy, and the boys doing well in school. This may not be the solution for you, but it may be one way to try to clean the air with what your pastor said to you. Do try to have him make clear what his statements mean -- by all accounts, it seems that you're going far and above what it means to be a Godly mother. You have more value than you realize, and keep that in mind while dealing with this situation.
I will keep you in prayer thru this time -- Hang in There!!
 Lauri |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 10:08:00 AM
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Maybe Christmas is the perfect time to set things aside and to mend fences. It will be hard, but when it comes down to it, family is all we have. They are there for a reason. It's just that sometimes that reason gets a bit foggy. :)
Now, for your pastor. What a bonehead, as my kids would say. Apparently he has bought into the thought that a woman isn't contributing unless she is out working. Bunk, I say!! I have three children, all in their twenties now, and I am still home. I will be here forever as we have a son with special needs, but that really isn't the point. The fact is mothers, if at all possible, need to be home with their children to give them the very thing that they need- love, stability and security from the outside world. We are partners with our husbands in fulfilling that responsibility- him out of the home working to provide and us at home making sure that our children are taught, nurtured, nourished and loved by us. Besides, how do they get to know who we are if we are not there with them? How will they know our favorite color, or what food we like, or see us engaged in service, or reading good books, or writing, or helping their dad, or tending the home? Ack. Don't get me started. lol
Anyway, your pastor is misinformed and you need to tell him so.
Karin
Farmgirl Sister
# 18 :)
www.perfectlittlemiracle.blogspot.com
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kmbrown
True Blue Farmgirl
459 Posts
Misty
Waynesboro
Pennsylvania
USA
459 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 10:28:59 AM
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Oh do I feel for you. We have had nothing to do with my hubby's side of the family for 3 years. They have 2 grandkids they have only seen once or twice. (They live 10 min away) We tried to mend fences and came to realize that it really wasn't our problem. THEY were the ones not interested in making things right...so, we just stay away. Personally, I would rather be happy at home together than with 20 other people and wish we could get away! Christmas is not a time for trouble...just avoid it.
As for your pastor...he is so far beyond his duty it's not funny. It doesn't matter what context these things were said in...it was inappropriate. What you and your husband have decided on together,especially if you feel it's what God wants you to do, then that is what you need to do. If he says anything to you again, ask him when he became the Almighty. You ARE serving your purpose in life! Why look for something you've already found!!! I am also 27 and we have 3 children under 3.....it's ok, you are NOT the only one. Take care of your babies, help your hubby, and don't worry about the rest!!! |
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 11:38:22 AM
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I'm sorry you took exception to what I said about taking things in context, but any time a person hears (or reads) only one side of the story, it is inappropriate to judge EITHER party. I'm not judging the original poster by any means, but neither is it appropriate to jump all over the pastor. None of us were there, and to judge him is simply wrong.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
Please email me for all your BeautiControl needs! |
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wild daisy
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Madelynne
Billings
Montana
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 1:00:31 PM
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My family is now grown but I also had the family issue thing. I noticed when they were about 5 and 4 years of age that the issues were affecting them too. I didn't fit in with my husbands family and my family was never in the picture to begin with. I decided to let the kids decide what they wanted to do on Christmas. So we started our own family tradition of going to the first movie of the day. These are some of the most memorable times we had as a growing family. As for this year my son is in Utah working and going to school and my daughter, who lives with us will be working that day. My husband and I will keep up the tradition and go to the movies and enjoy remembering thoes previous Christmases.
As for the pastor. He might just be giving advice and worried about you. You might say the next time that I am content right know and who knows what the next year with bring. It's a more polite way of saying mind your own business.
Good luck,
Madelynne |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 1:13:24 PM
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Hmmm that's tough. It depends on if everybody can be civil for your parents' sake this year. If you feel that it's going to be another blowout, maybe ask your mom and dad over for Christmas eve to spend time with them and avoid Christmas day with the the brothers and their wives this year.
As for the Pastor, sounds like he spoke without thinking too much. You do have a job, many of them, you're a mother, you keep house, you're a wife, you help with the farm and you probably have hobbies and interests outside your family. Sounds like you know your purpose. Maybe he's the one searching for his.
Pray and listen for God's advice.
Good luck.
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K-Falls Farmgirl
Chapter Leader
2096 Posts
Cheryl
Klamath Falls
Oregon
USA
2096 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 1:50:28 PM
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I should think that the saddest thing in a family would be if this was somebody's "last christmas" or any holiday.... I often think when "family issues" get ugly and communication breaks down.. What if... What if "I don't get the chance to tell them how much I love them & what they mean to me." When they are no longer with us... It's too late... Good luck with your family, I hope things work out for everyone.
http://www.k-fallsfarmgirl.blogspot.com/
Cheryl #309
Farm girl sister
Enjoy the little things in life....someday you'll look back and realize they were the big things. |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 2:46:47 PM
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Ashley, you are so not worthless. In God's eyes you are worth more than life itself. He made you who you are and to be doing what you are doing right now is THE most important job on this earth! You are raising 2 of the most precious children to grow up to be productive, caring members of society. And YOU are the only one capable of this job. And God knows this more than anyone does. I applaud you and what you are doing. Not only raising your 2 kids, but taking care of your husband and helping him on your farm. You are doing what you are called to do at this time in your life.
I am 50 and still a SAHM. My 2 girls are grown. 1 has 3 daughters. My husband is fine with this. I never wanted to do anything else. I love being who I am. I do work odd jobs off the farm, for extra money, but I can now.
When I had my kids, I HAD THEM. No one else was going to raise them for me. That was my job. And I am so glad to see there are still women around who feel the same way.
As far as your family, they are your family. Maybe since you are even thinking about this, you should be the one to throw out the "olive branch". It sounds like you want to work things out with them. How do your parents feel about all this? Do they know?
Hugs and prayers, Kris |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Dec 02 2008 : 2:47:02 PM
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It is true that you come with your family. But, to be honest many times our "Chosen families" like our dearest friends are the ones we are the closest to and more in tune with and they bring us the most love, joy and support. It is not always possible to have the ties that you would like to have with your blood family and you have to choose what is best for you and your own family.As for the pastor, maybe he meant well maybe he had a bad day who knows? He is a human being who told you his own opinions, he is not God. He doesn't always know what is best for other people. Listen to your own heart and believe in yourself and what makes you and your family happy.What makes you feel fulfilled and gives your life purpose. That is what really counts. Those feelings will be your true answer.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Dec 03 2008 : 12:17:55 PM
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Sounds like you HAVE found your purpose. Dosen't matter if it's within the four walls of your house or four walls of an office, your's IS a full life. Sounds like you love it too.
As for the family stuff I have a similar problem, but I still go for my parents sake. Don't talk much with my brother, who is the difficult one. Sometimes I read or take a walk so I don't have to interact with him too much. And then, after dinner DD and I leave so we can salvage our Christmas Day in the warmth and comfort of our own home.
Good luck. These situations are never easy. |
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simplyflowers
True Blue Farmgirl
489 Posts
Jamie
Locust Grove
Virginia
USA
489 Posts |
Posted - Dec 04 2008 : 10:00:59 AM
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Hi Friends!!!!
I was a stay at home mommy for 8 months......It was the hardest yet most fulfilling job I'd ever had. You do what makes you happy!!!!
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Edison
Check out my blog!! http://bestcoupleintown.blogspot.com/ |
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ashcordes
True Blue Farmgirl
197 Posts
Ashley
Roann
IN
USA
197 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2008 : 5:58:58 PM
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Hey girls! Sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here, and thank you all so much for your replies and support!
As far as my family goes, my sister-in-law has been "stirring the pot" so to speak again this week, but I have decided to try to get a hold of my brother via cell phone at his work as none of us in his family have been able to have a phone conversation with him since he got married 5 years ago, my sis-in-law answers the phone and you get to "talk through her" to by bro. I'm just going to make sure he and I are ok and if not try my best to work through it.
It's been a tough time for me spiritually as all the trouble with my brother started because I found out one of our pastors was attending parties with my brother, they are both on the fire dept together, and the pastor was drinking at these parties. I confronted the pastor about it because I felt what he was doing was wrong, and he is our youth pastor who is supposed to be teaching about peer pressure, and obviously didn't know how to avoid it himself. Well, he took some of what I said about my bro and his drinking problem, added a little to it, and took it all back to my bro, causing this rift.
This is a different pastor than the one who confronted me Monday. I worked at my church full time 40+ hours a week, until the birth of my DD last December, now I only work one day a week, just to keep my insurance. The more I thought about it the more I think he was saying all that just to try to get me to come back to work full time there, but I am fulfilled at home, at least as much as I think one can be with two very young children and no time for myself. But I think a mother of small children has to put her priorities on the back burner for the most part until the children get to a little more self sufficient age. I think mostly the pastor picked up on how much I'm at home by myself...hubby is so busy he is home maybe an hour a day before bed time, and gets hardly no time with our girls, but for now that's just the way it has to be until we can get our farm off the ground.
Our church for the most part is not very "pro" SAHM and are very negative about home schooling, which I'm hoping to do as well, so I don't find much support there as far as either of those issues are concerned.
Hope that helps to clarify my situation, and any additional advice is always appreciated. Don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this site to get on and vent every now and then, and thanks for listening :) |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Dec 05 2008 : 7:22:20 PM
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You've always got support here, Ashley! I have two little ones too--DD is 3 and DS is going to be 2 soon. (and we are planning to homeschool in a couple of years too! ;) )Isn't awesome to know that God's ways never change just because society sometimes thinks they know better. Still keeping you in prayers!
HUGS!
Jessie
Farmgirl Sister #235
Stop by my blog for a visit www.messiejessie2.blogspot.com |
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Family Matters: My family is driving me over the edge... |
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My family is driving me over the edge...
