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Family Matters:  I am so mad at my husband right now.  |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 6:34:38 PM
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Sorry ladies- gotta vent.
So a few months ago, Doug (whose parents are divorced and live 90 miles apart) stated that we were going to have to pick which holidays to spend at which parents house. IE One year the Hometown family set (my parents, two sisters, a third sister that often comes up for holidays, and his dad) gets Christmas, and the next year the other family set (His mom, his grandma) gets Christmas. I told him that I thought it would be more fair if we traveled to his mom/grandma's house for the eve of all holidays, had a nice evening, a nice morning, then then travel on to the other town that has the bulk of the family. That way both sets of family get to see us for each holiday and Nora gets to play with her cousins etc.
Well today his mom calls and wants to come up this weekend for his birthday. That's great, but I have mid-terms that I am working one. She wants to come by even though we don't allow people over when the hose is messy and the house is a disaster because we have been sick/busy/distracted for the past month.
So I told him I would have to drop him and Nora with the carseat off with his mom after lunch and take myself away to the school library.
He started attacking me with "What you don't want to see my mom?" and "What problem do you have with my mom?" etc? I explained to him that I love his mom, but I have Mid-terms that I HAVE to get done that day.
So then he brings up the whole fight about the holidays even though I finally said "Since you won't even talk about it I guess we have to do it your way".
Then he goes off to work and comes home and expects me to apologize? Did I miss something here?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Firemama
True Blue Farmgirl
1731 Posts
Amanda
Medical Lake
WA
USA
1731 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 6:37:34 PM
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Oh Alee, I am sorry. Chin up girlfriend.
Doug needs to realize you have alot on your plate right now. ALOT.
Call me if you need to..
Mama to 2
FarmGirl# 20
People can only make you feel inferior with your permission, and you dont have my permission......
Dont let the chain of love end with you.....
http://myfarmdreams.blogspot.com/
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Edited by - Firemama on Oct 18 2008 6:38:20 PM |
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LauraH
True Blue Farmgirl
305 Posts
Laura
North Creek
New York
USA
305 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 6:43:50 PM
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Alee-
I feel your pain! I am in the middle of mid terms right now too! My husband fails to see how amazingly stressful this time is right now..House cleaning, Laundry and everything else is hard to accomplish when you have 3 papers to write, a play to write and about 500 pages of text to get through!
Yikes!
Good Luck!
LauraH
http://cottagekids-laura.blogspot.com |
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Contrary Wife
True Blue Farmgirl
2164 Posts
Teresa Sue
Tekoa
WA
USA
2164 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 6:45:07 PM
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Alee, I have been married almost 32 years and I still don't understand men. I love my husband, he's a good man, husband, & father. But if I was ever divorced or widowed, it would be a snowball's chance in hell before I would get married again.
Hang in their sweetie, concentrate on your mid-terms. Once that is over and you've both calmed down, you can then bring it up and hopefully come to some agreement.
Huuggss,
Teresa Sue
Farmgirl Sister #316
MJ's Heirloom Mavens Badgebadger
MJ's Heirloom Mavens Bookclub Coordinator
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." The Dalai Lama |
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kristin sherrill
True Blue Farmgirl
11303 Posts
kristin
chickamauga
ga
USA
11303 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 6:52:04 PM
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Must be something in the air with these men. I am so sorry you're having this problem.
When my hubby and I got married it was in the marriage vows that we have Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. No questions asked. Just did it and always did. When his mom went to live with his sister, we went there. Every Christmas morning for 25 years we had to get the kids up early, open presents, load up the car and go. I never said a word. It's just how it was for us.
I know right now you must be ready to slap him and he should know this. His mom should, too. This is very important to you.
But you need to talk. Always talk. My hubby and I would sometimes just overlook things that were important and I wish we had talked about it right then. I am one to hold on to things for ever and remind him of it. Not a good thing. Probably when I'm old with alzheimers, I'll still bring things up that he did that made me mad. Oh, I do not look forward to that!
So I hope ya'll can take a few minutes to just breathe and love each other. This too shall pass.
Kris |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 7:29:53 PM
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Yes, it is a man thing. Seriously, I could be doing an exam, juggling 6 dishes in the air with one hand, typing with the other upside down, with Charlie dangling from the lights and dinner burning and hubby would ask "Are you busy?" or "Why are you so grumpy, tired, etc. etc. etc.?" and then doesn't understand why I get frustrated. (((HUGS))) my farmgal friend.
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 7:55:08 PM
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Just *HUGS*
I know that things are rough...don't apologize for heavens sake! You are not doing anything wrong by sticking to your guns and getting through mid-terms. This is important to you and it should be important to him too. Maybe when you have time, give his mom a phone call or write her a letter just to make her feel loved if she is feeling abandoned by you. This is your life too Alee. I hope that Doug gets his mind around what he's saying and thinks about it.
When he isn't being a grumpy bear, wish Doug a happy birthday 
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Mud Hen Queen
MJ's Heirloom Maven's Librarian
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2008 : 8:25:46 PM
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So then to cap it all off, I went in the kitchen and he had seriously eaten half of a huge pot roast that I had bought at Costco. Not sure how many pounds it was, but it was Chuck, two came to the package and the package was $21. So maybe that gives and idea? I was so mad. I wanted to serve some for dinner then have leftovers for dinner tomorrow. So I packaged up the rest, and I admit this was passive agressive but I said "Was the meat good?"
"Oh yeah! Thanks!" He said.
"Good! Because since you took so much I can't have any for dinner tonight because we have to save the rest for dinner tomorrow." I said.
He froze, and looked at me. You could see his anger and everything just break apart as he looked at me. I was so mad! He said "Dear, you should have some for dinner tonight, we will figure something else out for dinner tomorrow."
I said "No, I have planned the meals out for the rest of the month to go with the shopping I did at Costco, and if we continue to over-eat the protein, the groceries won't last."
He obviously hadn't thought about that and went into our room to "think" for a while. So after a few minutes I went in and he apologized for everything. I explained to him that I love both his parents etc etc.
He _Finally_ explained to me that he doesn't get 2 day vacations from work for the holidays as I thought he had. So now we finally are on the same page and I understand where he is coming from. He thought I had been acting irrational and I thought he had been being irrational so he had been trying to figure out why (hence the stuff about his mom which he now knows is nonsense)
And I explained to him how much meat he should be eating for health etc so hopefully that will change too.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies! It helped!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Sitnalta
True Blue Farmgirl
4208 Posts
Jessica
NJ
USA
4208 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 07:58:14 AM
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Glad you were able to work it all out. Sure is miserable when there is smoke in the air. Hope you are having a great Sunday and enjoying at least a little break.
HUGS!!
Jessie
Farmgirl Sister #235
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graciegreeneyes
True Blue Farmgirl
3107 Posts
Amy Grace
Rosalia
WA
USA
3107 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 08:29:46 AM
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Alee - I'm glad everything got out in the open. My husband was less than supportive when I was in school/working/being a mom. I remember one time when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor (i'm the only one who cleans) and he walked in and asked what was for dinner, then didn't understand why I was irritated. He also has a tendency to say the first thing that comes to mind whether or not it makes sense - I have learned this and now no longer react to the words coming out of his mouth when we fight. I'm thinking of you and your challenges
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" |
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lambgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
93 Posts
Heidi
Ellensburg
wa
USA
93 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 08:54:55 AM
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Alee, I am glad you and husband are working things through. I have similar issues myself. My inlaws always plan these expensive holiday getaways that we cannot afford. Well now that I am back in school thankfully he knows we cannot kill ourselves and our budget to go. I don't know what it is about mid-terms and finals that seem to freak out the husbands but it does. I try not to tell him when they are coming up to avoid the usual arguments regarding everything form the laundry to the kids.Like you I work also and take a full load at the univeristy. Some things just have to wait till the weekend. Good luck and know you are not alone.
Heidi |
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electricdunce
True Blue Farmgirl
2544 Posts
Karin
Belmont
ME
USA
2544 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 12:56:07 PM
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It is hard sometimes to realize that the person you are talking to isn't hearing what you are saying. I used to get into these situations with my husband, he would always assume I was trying to piss him off or that it was something I expected him to fix. It took me years to figure this out, that if he wasn't hearing what he wanted to hear, then somehow it was my fault. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't necessary to fix something I was talking about, all I needed was an acknowledgement of what I had said, and that I was entitled to my point of view.
Once, when he had agreed to go to counselling with me, and we were separated at the time, he came and picked me up and then we went to the counsellor's office where he asked me when he should pick me up. I told him marriage counselling didn't usually help if only one person went. I still don't know how in hell he thought all I wanted was a ride, but.....men! I think sometimes they think we are criticizing them when we express an opinion about something, aand over react Glad to hear you guys are talking, that is always a good thing to do.....
Karin
Farmgirl Sister #153
"Give me shelter from the storm" - Bob Dylan
http://moodranch.blogspot.com
http://domesticnonsense.etsy.com |
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wild daisy
True Blue Farmgirl
503 Posts
Madelynne
Billings
Montana
USA
503 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 3:31:06 PM
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Alee! Call me when you need a little free time>>>>>. I will watch Nora for nothing.....! It is a pleasure to help you. You don't need to worry.
John and I had a fight over him not having any time to fish. I explained when do I have time away from the kids? This was the period of time I stayed home when they were young and not in school. After our little disagreement he understood that I needed time too. We all went fishing together and we both took care of the kids. There will be many times in your marriage that little things become big things. John and I try and work them out before they become giant things.
Madelynne |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 5:00:23 PM
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Thanks Madelynne! I appreciate the offer to no end! You are such a sweet friend!
Things are back to our comfortable understanding of each other. He is currently "in charge" of both her and dinner and I am sneaking some forum time in before I do my math homework which is due tonight.
Thanks for all the support. The thing that bugged me is that usually Doug is so level headed and understanding. His reasoning and behavior was so out of Character! I just couldn't understand it!
It's amazing how much damage a simple misunderstanding can cause.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 5:02:40 PM
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And Guess what! I just looked at the calender, and both Thanksgiving and Christmas are on Thursdays and he now has Fridays off, so we can do my planned 2 day holiday after all! YAY!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2008 : 10:50:31 PM
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See, God provides!! Hugs to you from Marian
Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://princess-of-pink-creations.blogspot.com/
my new BLOG.
I have added "new" creations, take a look :)
And also some pictures of my village, come for a visit
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Oct 20 2008 : 12:04:46 AM
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Hey Alee,
Yep Sweetie you missed something~ IN 25 years of marriage I have learned, there aint NO figuring them out.....................so what did you miss? simply, HE IS A GUY THERE IS NO RHYME or REASON :), love ya! Sending you positive sisterhood hugs!
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
http://farmchicksfarm.blogspot.com/
Mavens are "information specialists", or "people we rely upon to connect us with new information."[6] They accumulate knowledge, especially about the marketplace, and know how to share it with others
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5 acre Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1007 Posts
~~~*Terri*~~~
WA.
USA
1007 Posts |
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oldfashioned girl
True Blue Farmgirl
2391 Posts
monica
oatman
az
USA
2391 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2008 : 7:59:30 PM
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Alee, Hang in there! I'm glad everything worked out and as Rene said there ain't no figuring them out!!! My hubby and I will be married 10 years on Christmas Eve and I still don't get him half the time! I adore him to no end, but there are times that I would have better luck understanding quantum physics! Guys do not have cramps and all that, but sometimes I think they have their own "time of the month"!!!!
Monica
farmgirls rule!
www.justducky48.etsy.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
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nampafarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
494 Posts
Kim
Nampa
ID
USA
494 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 3:58:15 PM
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Its funny, Wendell and I will go thru spouts where it doesnt matter what I say or do, it will start a fight. I can ask what do you want for dinner that night and he can take that wrong asking 'what does that supposed to mean'. I cant figure him out. Funny, they say that God doesnt give you soemthing you cant handle, well how did Wendell and I get togehter? Then other days he is the absolute best. Go figure.
Kim
Farmgirl Sister # 302 |
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Brew Crew
True Blue Farmgirl
676 Posts
Molly
Arizona
676 Posts |
Posted - Oct 24 2008 : 6:46:37 PM
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Oh, boy. Holidays are hard to figure out. It's been nearly 8 years of marriage before we have our system (sort of!) down. We usually have my family come visit us the morning of (Christmas Eve morning, Thanksgiving morning, Easter morning, etc.) because it is easier for them to come to us since we have so many little ones. Then, the rest of the day is for us, and the evening for DH's fam. Sorry you guys are figuring it out. What a pain! Holidays shouldn't be so stressful! I used to hate rush rush rushing from place to place just so we could see everyone. I finally gave up on it. :)
The Biz www.tvalahandmade.com
The Blog: http://blog.tvalahandmade.com/
The Bits www.happydalehobby.blogspot.com/
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MBurns
True Blue Farmgirl
1817 Posts
Marlene
Swisher
IA
USA
1817 Posts |
Posted - Nov 16 2008 : 9:04:27 PM
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It is not easy to work out holidays especially with little ones.
I wish you luck. Hopefully all can compromise are give a little. It can be very stressful. |
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Magdalene
Farmgirl in Training
24 Posts
Prince Edward Island
Canada
24 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2008 : 03:35:24 AM
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Alee, I can see why you've been stressed. Family issues can be a huge problem with couples.
Frankly, I'd have said the same thing as you - leave hubby to his mom and take care of yourself. It sounds like you worked it out, so that's a good thing. Communication is key, but when the male isn't hearing you, it can be difficult! Kudos to you for balancing family and school - takes a lot of fortitude and determination!
When we lived in BC, we had three sets of parents to visit - my mom, my dad, and his parents, all of them live hours apart. We settled on seeing his parents Christmas morning then alternating mine for supper. All that driving on what is supposed to be a holiday - too stressful.
Now that we've moved thousands of miles away, this year will be the first time we're having our very own Christmas! We don't have to drive anywhere, or rush between families it's just Simon and me! I am incredibly happy about this!
I obey the three 'C's of life: Cats, Chocolate, and Chickens |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Nov 17 2008 : 05:41:07 AM
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Magdalene- I am incredibly grateful that at least one of his parents lives close to mine!
Yes, we worked it out, thank goodness and hopefully by next year he will have enough seniority to request more days around the holidays.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our blog: www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
Put your pin on the farmgirl map! www.farmgirlmap.blogspot.com |
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abbysshadow
True Blue Farmgirl
224 Posts
Sherry
Dayton
Nevada
USA
224 Posts |
Posted - Nov 18 2008 : 5:00:15 PM
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I've been married for 26 years now, and my hubby still baffles and frustrates me to no end sometimes....we've been through some of each of what was said above. It's weird tho, because as he gets older, some of his quirks are improving and some are getting worse...(of course, I have none, hehe)....he is the best man in the world for me tho...for me it would have to be either him or no one....I'm hangin' in...almost threw it all away a couple years ago, and I am thankful every day that I stuck it out and we worked things out and will hopefully grow old together....hugs, Sherry
...I cannot do all the good that the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do... |
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Family Matters: I am so mad at my husband right now. |
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I am so mad at my husband right now.
