| Author |
Across the Fence:  Mother-in-law...crazy!!  |
|
|
babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 10:24:23 AM
|
I think that my mother-in-law is missing a few marbles or something. I have posted before about her behavior (demanding, demeaning, and rude sometimes) but this beats all.
Last year they mentioned wanting to come down to visit (they are in Ohio, us in Iowa) but not having enough for gas money. So we offered to give them a little money when they got here. They come down (with our neice) and I say that we can go to the ATM on the way to Walmart. I hand her $80 for gas money, which was all we could spare and we head off to Wal-mart. What does she do? She lets our neice (her grand-daughter) pick out a $50 doll that she buys for her!! I stand in shock, since if she is in desperate need of gas money why is she spending so much on a doll?!!! Well, that told me to not "help out" anymore.
So this year I give birth to our third child and she keeps hinting around that they really, really want to come to visit but don't have the money for gas. I finally said, "Yep, we are in the same boat" to get her to stop hinting around and then she flat out asks "What about your tax check?" I was shocked but replied "We got $1,200 and Ben's cracked tooth costs $1,200 to fix", which is totally true. Come on, I am a SAHM with three small children and my husband (her son) makes less then she does!! So why in the world would she expect that we have more money then them? Especially when she has heard our woes about our expensive van repairs, needing to buy another work car, windshield repairs, my husband's cracked tooth, and needing a new roof?!
She is the type that spends, spends, spends when she has money and it just blows my mind that she took our money that we gave them for gas money and spent it on a doll. Never again!!!
-ELizabeth |
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 11:24:30 AM
|
My mother in law lives about 20 yards from me. She even invited herself on the vacation my husband and I just took. We paid for almost everything including all the meals and gas and all she did was complain about all the food. She got cornbread at one restaurant and complained that it tasted like Jiffy mix. At another she got pudding and said "Yup just as I suspected, it's not homemade" (DUH!) We went to spend time at the beach and everytime my husband and I started to go to the beach she would say "You know I get sun burned. I guess I'll just go sit in my room alone." Like I was supposed to feel sorry for her. The last night we were there she cancelled her room reservation and came and told us that she cancelled her room and was going to sleep in the car because she didn't think she could afford another night. The she said "Or I could just stay in your room" HELLO!WHAT! Um NO! So of course we had to go buy her another night at the hotel.
My husband feels obligated to kiss her butt all the time because his dad who died of cancer when he was 17 made him promise that he would always stay and take care of her. I admire the principle of it but let's get real!
Be thankful you live as far away as you do and that you don't share a driveway. I feel your pain.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
|
 |
|
|
Back Home Again
True Blue Farmgirl
584 Posts
Audrey
Albuquerque
New Mexico
USA
584 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 11:50:44 AM
|
Well Gals ~~....~~ Do you think you would feel a little better if perhaps you spoke up in a "Friendly" way now and not wait until years and years down the road???? ........it might end up really building up and creating lots more hurt later when you just feel it had gone on for way to many years?? ...... It certainly would help you to feel better and might surprise your Mother-in-laws....they may just be the "control" type that are just seeing how far they can "get your goat"..... Sometimes ~~~ standing up in a NICE and GENTLE way ~~~ and being totally honest NOW will avoid very big probs later ~~~~ Just a thought that you might want to consider! How long have you been faced with this?
Until Later,
Audrey
~ Side by side or miles apart....dear friends are always close to the heart ~ |
|
|
|
DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:05:13 PM
|
I can totally understand and in some cases agree with you Audrey. It is far better to address differences quickly and move past them. It avoids build up and bitterness, particularly when it's family and we should all strive to get along, learn from each other and rejoice in our relationships.
HOWEVER!!! I have a gem of a MIL. And no, I don't feel comfortable discussing this in public or with other people. Just doesn't sit well with me. But this woman has mastered the art of manipulation, sulk fits and will stop at NOTHING to have her own way. And I mean nothing...she hates the fact that my dh and I spent weekends together and get along. She can always think of some little thing she needs him to do or go shopping for, or when all else fails to stir the pot, tell him that "he has no idea what goes on in our house"!! Not fair when he hasn't the best of health and works 14hr days all week. But it's all about her. And when she doesn't get her own way...well she'll just tell my dh that "your Huntington's is showing". Some might call her nasty, I have another word for her...and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I could go on and on, but now I've stooped to where I don't like to go. Just makes me see red. :)
Di on VI
Farmgirl Sister #73 |
|
|
|
Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:09:49 PM
|
| My mother in law is financially much more comfortable than we are, but she's extrememly emotionally needy. She uses guilt like a fine artist uses oils. It's so much a part of her, I don't think she even knows she's doing it. And it works too, that's the really sad part. My husband felt responsible to be around for his parents in their old age, especially after his dad died and left her all alone, and that's why we've stayed in this city for so long even though it's not really where we want to be and there's not a lot of opportunity. But she doesn't appreciate that at all. She hints to her friends that her younger son is unsuccessful and a failure in life, and that he's stayed close to home all these years to leech off her. My brother in law said something to me in passing last time I talked to him about "all those years you lived with my parents". Apparently, she's been going around telling people that she's supporting us. I'm so glad that she's about to move out of state and live with them. And yet (here's how good she is with the guilt trip) I find myself feeling bad that we couldn't make her happy here. She's the master! |
|
|
|
Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:15:16 PM
|
Diane, I'm sorry if you feel like you've said more than you should. I'm so happy to have someplace where I can tell this stuff and it won't get back to her! But that doesn't help for everybody...
|
|
|
|
Mommyswanson
True Blue Farmgirl
463 Posts
Laura
Waukegan
IL
USA
463 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:21:11 PM
|
Well, I love my MIL but she has always been very highly opinionated. She is a perfectionist & is very demanding of herself and others. My husband is her only child and although he knows she loves him she makes it known that he has never lived up to her hopes or expectations of him. She did not marry until she was 40 years old. She is now widowed 94 years old & has begun to show symptoms of dementia & alzheimer's. She also lives with us or should I say we live with her since it is her house- so my MIL is never farther than upstairs!!
I try to do all I can to help her (cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping her shower,etc.) but mostly I listen when she complains and try to giver her as much independence as possible. I know that she loves me but I also know that she always also thought she would have my husband to herself, since he was in his late 30's when we began dating. So, I am also sometimes her biggest enemy & competition but also her strongest ally. My mother passed away 17 years ago so she's the only grandma my kids have.
So...pray for patience & turn that other cheek!!
Laura
"That which does not kill us makes us strong!" "I cast all my cares upon you Lord." |
|
|
|
doglady
True Blue Farmgirl
435 Posts
Tina
Howard
Ohio
USA
435 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:26:36 PM
|
Hi Ladies,
I've had my MIL for 28 years and we have the "Perfect Relationship". She lives about 40 min. away and here's how we worked it out without saying a word. I stay in my little town and she stays in hers. I have only visited her once in 4 years. I can't ask for anymore. It works for me. By the way, she chose this arrangement not me, I just had to learn to accept it. Some family members are just not worth the trouble - sad but true.
Tina
Tina
You can tell your dog all of your secrets and they'll never say a word!
www.kennelcreations.com |
|
|
|
Back Home Again
True Blue Farmgirl
584 Posts
Audrey
Albuquerque
New Mexico
USA
584 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 12:31:10 PM
|
Oh My Goodness Dear Friends......I am so sorry for all of your pain.....another thought that passed through my head is talking honestly with your Hubby's about all of your deep feelings.....being it is their Moms ~~ they need to help in approaching the problems.
There's a good book you might want to consider taking a look at.....by Linda Mintle,PhD.....The book is "I Married You NOT Your Family and Nine Other Relationship Myths That Will Ruin Your Marriage".....I saw it at Costco and browsed through it........You might want to just take a look and see if it helps you in any way. Might be parts you can use and parts you can't. If you don't go to Costco perhaps at the Bookstore or at the Library.
Hope you can find solutions cause probs that go on over time and never get "fixed" are so detrimental to our Health and our Health (Mental or Otherwise) is really the MOST important aspect of our lives. Please know that this is a place where Friends do Care.
Until Later,
Audrey
~ Side by side or miles apart....dear friends are always close to the heart ~ |
|
|
|
Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:10:36 PM
|
| I'm not really looking for a solution, Audrey. My mil is old and I don't expect her to change. She is the way she is because of all the events and relationships of a long life, most of which were long in the past before I ever met her. I can't "fix" that. And I recognize that in many ways she's a good person with a lot of admirable qualities. I just try to be nice to her while preserving some sanity for myself. And that's why I'm glad to be able to compare horror stories with someone who's not part of the family. |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:17:07 PM
|
I have always been open and honest with my husband. My husband is the greatest guy but when it comes to his mother - she trumps me everytime no matter the issue. I knew that going in so I accept it but it sure sucks sometimes! These things drive me crazy but I love my husband so I'm willing to deal with it. It does feel good to vent everyonce in a while as Amie said in an environement where I know it wont get back to her.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
|
|
|
|
Back Home Again
True Blue Farmgirl
584 Posts
Audrey
Albuquerque
New Mexico
USA
584 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:19:22 PM
|
Amy .... It Sounds to me that you Have found a solution that works for you!!! :)
Wonderful that you mil has good qualities to balance the others....makes things so much easier!
Until Later,
Audrey
~ Side by side or miles apart....dear friends are always close to the heart ~ |
|
|
|
catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:37:45 PM
|
Yet another reason I live 1500 miles away...but I do understand your pain...(((HUGS)))
Heather
Yee-Haw, I am a cowgirl!!!
FARMGIRL #90 |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:43:21 PM
|
Alright.. I don't have any problems with my two mother in laws really, so I feel for you gals, but I'm going to ask this question, Julie--what's wrong with Jiffy, I ask you? :)
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
Back Home Again
True Blue Farmgirl
584 Posts
Audrey
Albuquerque
New Mexico
USA
584 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 1:48:53 PM
|
Jonni.....Loved your Comment......HaHa!! I do wonder the same :) ~~~ cause I heard it was rated the BEST tasting Cornbread Mix!! Really!! Hahhaaha!!!!
Until Later,
Audrey
~ Side by side or miles apart....dear friends are always close to the heart ~ |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 2:01:20 PM
|
Audrey, it is!!!! We lived on it, and even when I make my own, my husband says, "this isn't Jiffy, is it." Not a question, more a statement :)
I was married previously, and my mil was bi-polar and a paranoid schizophrenic who, due to her illness, had very little boundaries, and was a master at guilt trips. My husband was an only child, and she believed that he was her counselor, her best friend, her doctor, and her sex therapist, and he never deterred her....and well, that didn't sit well with me after several years. Sadly, due to those matters, and her inability to stay on medication which resulted in hospitalization that my ex husband and I had to tend to, our marriage really suffered. She never, ever, got it. I always felt sorry for her for being mentally ill, but I created pretty steep boundaries after her. And, though I do love my new mil's (one step/one bio), Jus and I keep our distances rather nicely. Love family time, but love our time best :)
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 2:11:36 PM
|
I'm not really looking for a solution, I just needed to vent! We have been married for seven years and she has done things like this from the beginning. I've learned to step back and laugh it off usually but there are still times when she gets my blood a' boiling. My husband knows how I feel and feels the same way. He is the youngest of three children and she is always complimenting her oldest two children but seems to put him down all the time so he shrugs it off and steers clear of her when she is here.
-Elizabeth |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 4:38:42 PM
|
I don't know what the problem with Jiffy Mix is. I was raised on the stuff and I love it. It has flavor! I've had her cornbread - it leaves something to be desired!
My hubby is an only child too. His dad died when he was 17 which is TRAGIC and I can't imagine having to deal with that especially at that age but his mom uses it as a guilt trip. If he ever starts to do something she doesn't agree with - out comes the statement "If only Sunny(his dad's nickname) were here."
She is retired but with her retirement plan and SS income is making way more than we do combined each month. All of our land is deeded to her and my husband so legally she is responsible for half the taxes (which she doesn't pay) and legally gets half the profit of whatever we are farming which she is knocking down our door like clockwork when the check comes in. AHHHHHHH!
I just try to ignore her as much as I can.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
www.willowartist.etsy.com
www.willowtreecreek.com
|
|
|
|
elphie0503
True Blue Farmgirl
500 Posts
Samantha
Gilmer
Texas
USA
500 Posts |
Posted - Jul 18 2008 : 5:43:01 PM
|
My MIL is one of my closest friends...they live 20 yards away...but my FIL--now that is ANOTHER story entirely!!!! There isn't space enough to tell of the woes!
Samantha
www.elphie0503.blogspot.com
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort~~Albright
|
|
|
|
homemakerkate
True Blue Farmgirl
143 Posts
Kate
Ewen
Michigan
USA
143 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2008 : 02:22:44 AM
|
| LOL and I thought I was alone in my relationship woes with dear MIL. oh my. I have learned over the years that no amount of griping to my dh will solve or change this and just makes him feel bad, after all she is his mother...big sigh... I did however point out to him how she is rude to me and the kids too and he has put an end to most of that. When she gets into one of her whining snits I just leave the room or literally just dump it on dh. Let him deal with his mother, who TG lives far away and doesnt visit long. What I find most odd is that Before we were married she did every thing she could to encourage our relationship, as soon as I got pregnant with our son no matter what I did it was all wrong. Oh well. cant win'um all. |
|
|
|
goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
1599 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2008 : 08:22:38 AM
|
Oh my goodness!! I've posted about my MIL and other inlaws on the Family board so much that I've been embarrassed to do much anymore!! hehehe...
But I finally got to the point of ignoring them except for family occasions that require both of us. They live across the pasture from my horse barn so my hubby now goes to visit while I head to the barn. Works well for me BUT now they complain that I don't visit enuf...but when I'm there, the snottiness is out in full force. So at the risk of a divorce (seriously considered by me) I told hubby the full story and how I felt/feel and still go to the barn. Such relief!!!
Hubby doesn't like it but he's not on the receiving end. They are very good at hiding this. I thought at first it was me but my SIL and another cousin have told me they have had the same problesm, so it's not just me. Just the way they are. I have finally accepted it and hubby can have a cow or not in this area only, and that's fine with me.
Any female that marries into this family seems to have a similar story...
So, I'm for the let it hang out and get to the core of the problem corner.
Fortunately, we are thinking of moving 140 miles away and when we lived there before, they never visited so I can only hope!!
Winona ;-)
When you lose, don't lose the lesson!!
http://goneriding.wordpress.com/
|
|
|
| |
Across the Fence: Mother-in-law...crazy!! |
|
Mother-in-law...crazy!!
