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Across the Fence:  My Nightmare  |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 4:43:12 PM
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THE BATHING SUIT
When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered aro und, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.' So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
Marybeth
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 4:48:06 PM
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I'm right there with ya! I'm 28 weeks pregnant right now and I'm going to the beach for Memorial Day - when I'll be an even more rotund 32 weeks pregnant. My bathing suits look like parachutes.
My blog: http://thecottonwife.wordpress.com/
"John Deere. We stand behind everything we sell. Except the manure spreader." |
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Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
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mikesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3659 Posts
Sherri
Elma
WA
USA
3659 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 5:00:24 PM
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When I went to stay with DH in a hotel while he was working in Vegas two summers ago, he told me I HAD to have a swim suit because it was so hot everyday, that i would want to cool off in the pool. I spent three miserable days shopping for a suit, finally found one that I could stretch over my misshapen body, then when I got there, I was absolutely miserable everytime I put it on. Never again! I'm going the cutoffs and tank top route from now on (with a sports bra on underneath!)
Farmgirl Sister #98
Check out my new online store
http://www.shopthefrontier.com/VFstore/index.php?manufacturers_id=79&osCsid=6be4b25bf9555031c6e2e86bbde23dba |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 5:39:32 PM
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Marybeth!
Is that your experience or was that an email thing? Either way it had me ROLLING on the floor laughing! Oh my gosh! My sides still ache! Your experience could have been mine! LOL
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 5:40:35 PM
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Mary Beth, you missed your calling you should have been a comedian!! I laughed so hard at your descriptions. But, oh my, is that the truth!! I wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit. Luckily I don't swim so I have a very adequate excuse !
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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lisamarie508
True Blue Farmgirl
2648 Posts
Lisa
Idaho City
ID
USA
2648 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 6:24:55 PM
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Marybeth, I'm laughing so hard right now. Your little story soooo hits home! I'm glad you have a good sense of humor. I am another one who will not don a bathing suit in public.
But I found one in one of those catalogs that cater to sun-sensitive people which is perfect for me. It looks like a diving suit or a surfing-type suit. Long sleeves, long legs to the ankle, with a fairly loose fitting top. It's wonderful. I'm not baring any rolls, bulges, stretch marks, bruises, scars, or cellulose to anyone!
Farmgirl Sister #35
"If you can not do great things, do small things in a great way." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
my blog: http://lisamariesbasketry.blogspot.com/
My Website:
http://www.freewebs.com/lisamariesbasketry/index.htm |
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marmieto12
True Blue Farmgirl
213 Posts
laura
utah
USA
213 Posts |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 6:59:18 PM
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Ooh. Marybeth, I just got shivers thinking about it! I have two suits, that I tolerate and really don't want to ever look at another again :) I wore them for the first time in September, when we took a family trip to the beach and I figured...I was the youngest and smallest person there, so what the heck! But, thank goodness we're not going anywhere near water this year :)
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Apr 23 2008 : 7:02:54 PM
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I must tell you my all time worse bathing suit experience...
I was a girl of 18 and was trying to be cute and stylish at the beach. Mind you, I did have quite the body back then that could fit the styles of the time but my "girls" were always on the....ahem...bigger side.
I decided to be brave and get fitted for the right top. Nothing like having some older lady manhandling your girls to get you to wondering why we women do this to ourselves. After she measured, stuffed, untucked, re-tucked, pinched and otherwise forced the girls into about 20 different tops, she ran to the front cash register, returned with 5 coupons for 20% off any item in the store and told me she was sorry. Seems my girls were her first failure at trying to fit a top and she was sorry for the trouble. : )
Cheers,
Heather
FARMGIRL #90 |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
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createmyworld
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Beth
Akron
PA
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 07:04:25 AM
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Oh Marybeth, you gave me the best laugh I've had in a long time. I too have been there! have you ever tried Lands End for swim suits? They have suits that actually stay put and are attractive. They also have a shorts bottom tankini like what you described, but it does not get transparent when wet... I've seen other women at my pool with them on and they are perfectly opaque. Although I cringe at paying a lot for such a skimpy piece of clothing, I find that Lands End suits last me a while and they're worth every penny... and sometimes you can find deals in their sale and overstocks catalogs. Try out the website: www.landsend.com
hope this helps! |
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createmyworld
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Beth
Akron
PA
USA
295 Posts |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 07:29:49 AM
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Marybeth - Your Bathing Suit essay is priceless! LOL! I think you should submit it to women's magazines! Erma Bombeck would be proud! I know I'm making a copy and posting it on my bulletin board.
Write on!
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
Edited by - Miss Bee Haven on Apr 24 2008 07:30:44 AM |
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Prairie Princess
True Blue Farmgirl
1075 Posts
Jodi
Washington
USA
1075 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 07:32:56 AM
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Oh my goodness! This thread has me rofl!! SO honest and so true for most of us, I think. I'm 5'5"/slim, but I have the swimsuit blues, too. I think they were designed for people who model for Victoria's Secret, not real women with unique bodies!  I wear a tankini with swim/surf shorts, and STILL dread swimming in it.
~Jodi
"Women are like teabags...you never know how strong they are until they get into hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 09:56:43 AM
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I wish that story was my claim to fame but it isn't. I can totally say it all has happened to me--yes!. I try to br funny but I am short on words.
I am glad you all liked it though. I do like to swim and have a suit I have had for a zillion years and it is pretty much sprung in lots of places and I only swim when it is only family around and I stay in the pool as not to frighten small children. Every year I try on suits and every year I cry. I'm sure I am my own worst critic. MB
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 11:17:49 AM
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I don't even get in a pool. I can't even stand to wear shorts in public! :O My legs are so white, you'd go snow blind at the sight! LOL!
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
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mommatracy
True Blue Farmgirl
490 Posts
Tracy
My. Olive
NC
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2008 : 11:36:39 AM
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I am so done with wearing just a bathing suit. I have put on a few pounds in the last couple of years and even if I hadn't at my age I don't need to be running around worried about my rear end peeking out. I now wear mens board shorts over my one piece bathing suit. They are made for surfing,knee length, and usually great colors or Hawaiin prints. They are made to get wet so they don't feel soggy. Very lightweight and sheds water quickly. I ride the boat with them on and swim in them. I feel very comfortable and they look like part of my bathing suit. 
www.cottagebythebay.blogspot.com |
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Across the Fence: My Nightmare |
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My Nightmare
