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Family Matters:  Naughty Chair  |
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one_dog_per_acre
True Blue Farmgirl
1572 Posts
Trish
Sandpoint
ID
USA
1572 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 07:52:38 AM
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We have new friends with a two year old, who I feel is out of control. At least once every visit she will smack my 8 month old baby. Last time she smacked him on the forehead when he was in his bouncer. Her mother is pregnant, due in June. I understand that she is tired, and do my best to divert all of the child's bad behavior into playing with toys, or looking at new things, etc. I asked my mother what to do about this situation, and she said to use the naughty chair/time out method, with an explanation of, this is what happens when you are a bad girl at my house. It was the only thing that worked with my younger sister. I sort of feel like I would be offended if it was my kid. My husband really likes this child's father, and I know I should try to make a friend of this woman, since I really don't have any here in Idaho. I am tired of having to worry so much about my baby, when I get up to serve something, etc. I have already started to avoid contact with this family. What would you do?
Trish
Farmgirl Sister #91
Make cupcakes not war!
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 08:25:13 AM
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Though it may not be the advise you want if the child is going to cause tension it will also put a strain on your relationship. If you try to interfere with the discipline no matter how well meaning it may seem it will feel like an insult to the girls mother. I would suggest you don't interfere and limit your contact if you really think it is a problem. Your husband and the other father can still be friends.
Farmgirl Sister #17
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joyfulmama
True Blue Farmgirl
1175 Posts
Debra
Silver Springs
NV
USA
1175 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 08:31:08 AM
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It may be that the mother doesn't even know what to do.. have you watched Super Nanny? Many of these parents just don't know what to do.. Maybe trying to have a talk with her- that you don't want this to ruin your friendship- to offer up a bit of parental advice.. I use the naughty chair and love it.. maybe it would be helpful to this young mama too..
Blessings, Debra
Psalms 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want."
"Your life is an occasion, Rise to it." Mr Magorium..
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 10:41:22 AM
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I used a naughty chair (with my own kids and when I did daycare too) but not with the child's mother there. I suppose most mom's would get insulted. If you talk to her about it first...sort of establish house rules...like you could say that you just want to have things always be the same for your kids at your house...so these are YOUR house rules..maybe she will go along with it.
I used a little willow chair for my naughty chair and my 4th son always called it the "cruel chair" because it wasn't very comfortable.
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 1:08:51 PM
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It has been my experience that if you try to discipline someone else's child, that the mother will be insulted and act very righteously indignant about it. (Not that I would care, but I am ornery that way...)
Just limit your time spent with her for now. If you grow a lot closer, then perhaps you could gently talk to her about it, and suggest how to fix the problem.
However, with that said, if she is hitting your child, I would tell the child in a stern/firm voice, "At our house, we don't hit." Usually the child will listen if another Mom says it.
But don't trust her in any case. You do what is best for your child, which is your main job right? If that includes not being friends with this woman, then so be it. Don't feel bad about that. You have to protect your baby even at the risk of offending someone.
If the "we don't hit at our house" doesn't work, I would probably tell your friend it is time to leave if it happens again.
In the meantime, PRAY for their expected blessing. That older child will probably hurt the new baby a lot out of jealousy.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
Edited by - kissmekate on Apr 02 2008 1:13:56 PM |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 1:52:14 PM
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I would talk with her about it the next time her child hits your baby. You know just a nice converstation, you could even say, you know, I have watched the supernanny show and I think I will use the time out chair like she recommends to teach my child. Then you will get into a conversation about it. You can see where she stands. She might just get the message and try it herself. If she doesn't, then you may have to limit your time together. I know it is tough when your husband likes her husband.
Let us know how it turns out.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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one_dog_per_acre
True Blue Farmgirl
1572 Posts
Trish
Sandpoint
ID
USA
1572 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 2:23:32 PM
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I realize I can't trust her, so for the last few visits, I have just been holding my baby the entire time, except when I am in the kitchen. He is getting super fussy by the end of their visits, he is a busy sort of baby. It is sort of a package deal with them. she won't let her husband out of her sight on weekends. I am thinking of just separating myself until her baby is born, at that point, she will be forced to deal with her daughter's behavior.
Trish
Farmgirl Sister #91
Make cupcakes not war!
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Edited by - one_dog_per_acre on Apr 02 2008 2:26:24 PM |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 5:33:57 PM
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I would let the kids play and then the next time the kid hits maybe you could draw her attention to it with a "Oh! I really am worried about my boy picking up hitting, what can we do to keep the kids from hitting each other? My mom always told me that she used a time out or naughty chair with us kids when we were little?" and then maybe ask her for her opinion or advise?
That way you aren't proclaiming her child as a "Bad Seed" and getting her guard up (although that might still happen), but by asking for help usually women tend to feel more nurturing and "fix-it" than angry.
I don't think you can continue to hold your son all the time they are there, and friends are important. If she still doesn't get it, a while later (maybe the next visit) just say "I think we need to set some play time boundaries. My son gets time out if he hits or breaks the rules. Would you be willing to help me in teaching my son boundaries by having your child be in time out if they break the rules too?"
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.awarmheart.com
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CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
Posted - Apr 02 2008 : 9:09:59 PM
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patricia .. two things jumped out at me in your message .. i have always avoided saying any child was a BAD CHILD .. their 'behaviour' can be bad .. but i've always thought it was important to never call a child a bad child. And i like the term: "thinking chair" more than "naughty chair".
it's probably 'just words' .. but with children words are 'heard' from their viewpoint (and of course, our adult voice inflections). i had a 'thinking chair' for my children (and grand-daughter) .. in it sat a wonderful large doll (named amelia bedelia) .. and if 'inappropriate behavior' (a term my own daughter uses) happens .. they sit in the 'thinking chair' and talk it over with the dolly. when they (child and dolly) have talked about it .. they come to me and we lovingly talk about what happened and what they could do to improve their actions.
i am a VERY big believer that NO ADULT (BIG PERSON) should EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER 'hit' a child (small person) .. for any reason whatsoever!!!
that only teaches a child to 'fight' (back).
it is unconscionable (and probably illegal in all 50 states) to hit a child .. dear god .. in the 'head' .. have they not heard of the 'shaken child' that can lead to permanent brain damage?
i rarely comment on stuff like this in a public forum .. but oh my .. when it comes to children and the elderly .. i do get on my 'soapbox'.
i would very definitely (and kindly) .. but FIRMLY .. talk to this friend about all i said above. If they (or their children) cannot keep their hands off my child .. they would quickly become 'not' my friend. If an adult is a 'hitter' .. it could potentially end up becoming tragic. AND .. if parents 'smack down' on their children when they are little .. they are teaching them to 'smack down' when they are older (and stronger than their parents). a terrible, terrible relationship.
I do believe it can be a 'natural' reaction .. for a little one to sometimes 'hit' .. because they don't have the words or patience to express their feelings .. but i also believe this needs to be 'lovingly' disapproved of.
Meanwhile .. if it were me .. i'd separate myself from this family if a 'kind' expression of my beliefs did not change their behavior.
xo
True Friends * Frannie
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one_dog_per_acre
True Blue Farmgirl
1572 Posts
Trish
Sandpoint
ID
USA
1572 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2008 : 08:40:12 AM
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It sort of struck me as weird that the girl would use the term BAD BABY, and try to hit him, when my baby pulled her hair. I told her, that he is just a baby, and doesn't know, so don't get too close. SHe couldn't help herself, and had to hug him. Luckily I swooped him away from her before he got hit. He was on my lap. It seems like she learned this. She definately understands what punishment is. I feel like hitting a child is done by people who are not smart enough to out-think a child. Thank you Frannie for pointing out the negative terms. I guess calling it a naughty chair would make it negative punishment. I feel like this mother could use my help, but it can't be at a cost to my baby.
Trish
Farmgirl Sister #91
Make cupcakes not war!
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Edited by - one_dog_per_acre on Apr 03 2008 08:49:38 AM |
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Rebekka Mae
True Blue Farmgirl
965 Posts
Rebekka
Moscow
ID
USA
965 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2008 : 08:57:29 AM
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Trish-
HOW FRUSTRATING!
I adore Frannie's advise as a whole, our expectations of what a child is and our words are POWERFUL stuff. So see the good in this little girl (she needs you to;) and as Alee said you can make it about your kid if you need to stop a behavior. If you are with them and this happens again please go to the child and say hands are not for hitting and warm them between your palms or something else very nurturing...this child may not be getting that sort of interaction and may not know it is wrong (her mama is dog tired and out of energy to be consistent with discipline- which she will pay for later with new baby). Giving an example of loving explanation may be what mama and her daughter need, as others have said mama may not be able to think of the right way to deal with it so she does nothing. Giving the little girl time to cool off and change her behavior, or shift gears (Julia Hayes calls it 'sorting yourself out') is great after you know that the little girl understands that what she is doing is not OK. (The naughty chair- while effective for some will not go over well if you are suggesting it without that mama saying "What do I do?")
Of course you must protect your baby and keep your own stress low but if you are close enough to intervene in this way your little one will be safe.
Warmly, Rebekka
www.bebebella.etsy.com
As a woman I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.
Virginia Woolf |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Apr 03 2008 : 11:00:23 AM
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I think Rebekka is right, this lady is exhausted with being pregnant and maybe doesn't know how to deal with the bad behavior.
You see that a lot on the Nanny shows. The parents have NO clue.
There is some great advice on this thread, I would think if one idea/tactic doesn't work, another would eventually get through to this woman.
Just be firm in your convictions when you speak to her.
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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Family Matters: Naughty Chair |
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Naughty Chair
