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Family Matters:  Forgive Me!  |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 07:26:27 AM
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I am well! We are well! Thank you all so very much for the emails and posts and letters and presents! Enclosed is the most recent email I wrote to a host of family and friends. If any of you are interested in being on my email list, just send me an email and I'll gladly add you. *WARNING* all of my emails like this one, go on and on and on and on! I have written several thank you letters to you farmgirls and have several more to write. I think about you all every single day. I check posts nearly daily even though I don't have it in me to post a lot of the time. My energy and my mood fluctuates and I feel pulled in a million fragmented directions. It is an unsettling feeling that I'm trying to balance. Suffice it to say though, that Aria is doing amazingly well. I am learning a great many things, not the least of which is how to be a truer friend, a compassionate listener and a giver of myself. These things are entirely due to the love and creative expression you have all shown me!
My deep, profound and fondest affections to you all! ~julia
A recent pic of Aria is at the end. Enjoy!
It is Friday March 7, 2008, early evening. I doubt I will get very far with this email but I thought while I had a little momentum I would gather some thoughts for you.
Let me begin with the most important news of the day and that is that Aria is GREAT! She is just terrific! She is active and talkative. Her imagination is once again overflowing with the gorgeous view of a child. She has been wearing her ballerina tutu that she received from her cousin and has been dancing and twirling. It brings me such unfathomable happiness to have her back in this way. I am so relieved to witness her healing knowing full well that she is still very sick and will face some intense battles later on. For now, however, she is guiding me through these present moments and I am savoring every little morsel. I won’t kid you though. She is so fabulous that she is also, once again, annoying, persistent, pouty, whiney, silly, and stubborn to name just of few of her other attributes. Aria is a strong-willed 4-year-old, full of steam, which is adorable and obnoxious at the same time. I would love to say that since her illness these annoying little 4 year old attributes have lightened somehow, have become less important and less irritating. Alas, being only in the infancy stages of enlightenment, her 4-year-old quirks can drive me crazy; illness or no illness! I do take greater notice however and I find myself celebrating her more even when she is in the throws of being 4. So in truth, in some ways, it is lighter and more endearing and I’m highly aware that she is so much better today than even a week ago.
Clinic today was not at all what we had been planning all week nor what we had hoped would happen. That is, we had hoped and planned on all being at clinic together as a family. As life would happen, I came down with a bug early in the week. It started with an “uh-oh” scratchy throat that turned into a sinus stuffy-thing but lasted only a day or so. I have a little remnant of it now but nothing particularly bothersome. I passed it along to Rianna who for the last few days has had only a mild runny nose. But I also passed some variation to Reo who surprisingly had been super all week until yesterday afternoon when he completely melted down. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was fussy and whining and crying for his dad and complaining that his knees hurt and his tummy hurt. He was just a puddle at one point, which was really concerning. He was so not himself and of course I found myself traveling down, “what kind of horrible life threatening illness is this going to be?” I didn’t allow that thought to form into anything more than a flickering notion, however. I just cuddled with him and monitored him. He felt warm but not really feverish. When Doc finally came home, he helped Reo into his pajamas and put him to bed around 6 o’clock where he slept for a good 2 hours. We heard him stir and both checked on him. He simply wanted to cuddle but then suddenly said he needed to throw-up! Oh Boy! Here we go. Sure enough, he was sick. We checked his temperature and he had only a slight fever (99.6). He felt better but needed some reassurance so we cuddled for a little while and then he slept the rest of the night. Doc and I talked about Plan B for clinic the next day since Aria’s counts have been so high, her risk isn’t all that great but there are plenty of other children whose counts aren’t nearly as good who are at great risk! We decided to take the ‘wait and see’ approach.
This morning around 5am Doc heard a stirring that he thought was Aria. He shot out of bed like a dart, only to find Reo crawling on his hands and knees down the hallway, whimpering, “Dada, I feel yucky!” Doc brought him into our bed for a little while but the dogs started their morning howling serenade so he and Reo decided to head downstairs from some breakfast. Reo promptly threw up once again and when I came downstairs an hour later, he was curled on the couch covered in a blanket. He was not going anywhere, which meant neither were Rianna or I. Bummer!! It was an odd feeling to know that I wasn’t going to be there at clinic. I know that my role at clinic is nothing more than to watch Reo and Rianna and comfort Aria once in a while, but I don’t play an active role in her treatment. That is Doc’s job right now. He accompanies her for everything, while I stay in the background. Still, I’m there. I have access to her doctor, the nurses and support staff. I get my weekly reassurance injection when I’m there so being home left me feeling anxious, as if I was missing out. Although I wasn’t doing this, I felt like if I had a handkerchief in my hands I’d be sitting around wringing it ceaselessly. It was a very strange feeling to dread being at clinic but wanting to be there and not being able to do so.
Doc and Aria headed to clinic by themselves around 10am. I didn’t have a handkerchief in my hand but a telephone instead. Fortunately, both Reo and Rianna had nice naps so I was able to spend my time talking to ‘tech support’ people about our email, which is acting up again. Grrrrrrr! Still, the folks I spoke with were delightful and lovely and I was so grateful that I could have such concentrated time to focus on problem solving. Concentrated time is such a gift!
Doc and Aria arrived home around 2 pm. Aria told me that she was “brave during the poke part”. She also reminded me that her blood was nice and red. So far so good! Her labs were fantastic! Her cholesterol is back to normal so she no longer has to take that medication. Her hematocrit showed a nice little jump to 26, which is still well below normal but an improvement, which we have seen results in her overall energy level and her coloring. White blood cell and red blood cell counts are normal. Her spinal tap procedure, which is the last one she’ll have to have for this phase of treatment, went off without a hitch. Dr. Trobaugh continues to be very pleased with her progress and didn’t have any real concerns about the little bug floating through our family right now. It was bound to happen and we are grateful that it happened when Aria’s resilience is so high. We feel very very lucky indeed!
Doc said that he and Aria played some games and she even made some art projects using markers and foam stickers. This is only the second time she has actually played in the playroom. It was nice.
Doc and I area exactly like most male/female couples out there I suspect. I’m the wordy, “I said” and then “she said” and then “I said” and then “he said” type. I’m all about details the little itty-bitty details. Doc is more the big picture kinda guy. I know this and I knew and accepted that I would have to do without my full reassurance injection this week. At some point during the afternoon I asked Doc,
“So honey, were you able to have a conversation with Dr. Trobaugh? Is she still pleased with Aria’s progress?”
“Oh yeah. Of course.” He replied.
I asked, “Well, what did she have to say?” details, I’m looking for those “she said……” details.
“Oh, (big sigh) you know..she thinks Aria is doing great. No real concerns. We’re just moving right along.”
This SO didn’t do it for me! But God love Doc. He knows me so well. His sigh told me everything. He was not up to the task of telling me the “nitty-gritty, there are this many ceiling tiles, the walls are this color, Dr. Trobaugh’s sweater was this texture and she wore her hair this way” details of the day. Clinic days are exhausting no matter what the circumstance. Not to mention, that Doc is not I. He doesn’t process the world as I do and therefore it isn’t his nature to exercise the “girlie skills” I so crave. Whatever anxiety I needed reassured for the day, he was able in his way to subdue.
Doc was so relieved when he got home. Even though everything is great and all that we can hope for, it is still so incredibly stressful to be in clinic. His neck was stiff and his back was tense. He spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the property assessing spring work. Fortunately, we don’t have to go to clinic next Friday! We actually have our first Friday off in 2 months! HEAVEN!! We are halfway done with our Consolidation phase of treatment and feel so fortunate that everything is going well.
We are planning to make a quick trip to Seattle next Saturday so Doc can receive a very special and prestigious award. He is the recipient of the Del Cole Award from the Washington State Psychiatric Association. It is awarded to an outstanding physician serving the realm of community mental health. I am so incredibly proud of him! I insisted that if Aria was well enough that we all make it to Seattle to watch him receive this great honor. It looks like we are going to be able to make that happen and I am so thrilled! A little change of scenery ought to be really really fun. It is going to be a whirlwind trip. We’ll head out on Saturday morning for the award ceremony in the early afternoon and then come home Sunday sometime. My 3 very dear Goddess friends will already be at the farm on Sunday waiting for us. They are spending a week to celebrate 2008 Goddess-Fest. I have no idea what kind of nonsense and fun we’ll create but I can guarantee you that after a week in their energy, I’ll find my stores of energy and creativity re-stocked to over-flowing. The magic of friendship is beyond my words. I’m in charge of creating the ‘theme’ so to speak for Goddess-Fest so I imagine that this year we’ll be focusing on “healing.” It is so obvious yet so profound.
We are all hurting, aching, longing, ailing, fragile, damaged people. This is not what defines us. It may be what consumes us for periods of time, but it does not reflect our true selves. When my Goddesses arrive, we examine these things deeply through all matter of crazy ways. We color. We craft. We sew. We dance and sing. We talk until ungodly hours. We cook. We laugh and we cry. We hug and kiss. We play. We pray. We build fires. We weave ourselves to one another creating a mesh that protects and covers us. It is such an amazing weave that it extends beyond us and is able to catch others when they stumble into our presence. We all have this and what a brilliant thing to possess.
They, like you, have stumbled into my presence adding to the woven mesh I call myself. I am stronger, more colorful, and better able to catch and hold others because of you. This is a beautiful and tender connection that never ceases to amaze and entangle me with wonderment.
~j
being simple to simply be
Farmgirl #30
www.julia42.etsy.com |
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Firemama
True Blue Farmgirl
1731 Posts
Amanda
Medical Lake
WA
USA
1731 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 07:34:57 AM
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Julia, it is good to hear from you. I am so happy to hear of Little Miss Aria's wellness. She is beautiful.As you are Mama,you are so amazing Julia.I am keeping your whole family in good thoughts.
Mama to 2
FarmGirl# 20
Rich or Poor, It Dont matter We're all the same everybodys hungry in a different way....
http://myfarmdreams.blogspot.com/
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Annika
True Blue Farmgirl
5602 Posts
Annika
USA
5602 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 07:52:36 AM
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Goodness Julia, never have to ask for forgiveness here! We are your sisters and friends. I'm thrilled with Aria's progress and thrilled with your mate's award and mostly thrilled that you are alive and well, even if frayed at the edges a little  ...I look forward to getting to know you better and being your farm sister friend. I hope that your Goddess girls and you have a nonsense filled , wickedly fun time together and that it renews your spirit and gives you strength, peace and laughter to spare.
Hugs as always
Annika |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 08:17:00 AM
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Julia- My eyes pricked with tears of joy to see Aria's shinning face! She is so beautiful, and I love her with the shorter hair.
Poor Reo. I hope he is feeling better now.
Lots of hugs!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and me on our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
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mima
True Blue Farmgirl
1573 Posts
1573 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 08:31:05 AM
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Oh sweet Goddess friend !!! sending lots of cyber hugs your way!! think about you everyday and the ups and downs you are going through!!! would love to be on your mailling list!! Please don't ever apologize!!!!! Don't ever be afraid to ask for anything!! call me anytime!!! Hugs to you! What is Reo into? Could he use a little attention and encouragement right now? would love to send him his very own package of love and hugs!! hugs sweetie!
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars,or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller |
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Tina Michelle
True Blue Farmgirl
6948 Posts
Tina
sunshine state
FL
USA
6948 Posts |
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Tammy Claxton
True Blue Farmgirl
1559 Posts
Tammy
Glen Burnie
Maryland
USA
1559 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 11:09:20 AM
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So happy that Aria is doing well! Her smiling face speaks volumes!! Beautiful!
Crafty Bay Farmgirl Chapter
"A friend is someone who does things that count, but never stops to count them"
Farmgirl #152
http://countryintheburbs.blogspot.com/ |
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Pearlsnjeans
True Blue Farmgirl
248 Posts
Vicki
West Haven
Utah
USA
248 Posts |
Posted - Mar 11 2008 : 7:56:49 PM
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Julia
I'm so glad to hear that Aria is doing well. She is beautiful. I think I can speak for most on the forum that it isn't necessary to apologize to us. Your focus is on your family and we understand. You are always in my prayers.
Vicki
Farmgirl Sister #120
Farmgirls are elegant |
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junkjunkie
True Blue Farmgirl
1306 Posts
Judy
Lawrenceville
NJ
USA
1306 Posts |
Posted - Mar 12 2008 : 05:30:47 AM
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Julia, I love reading your posts....never apologize. Aria is whiney, pouting, headstrong and just plain silly? Those are great signs....a typical 4 year old! She looks wonderful in the photo! She's a tough little girl. Thank you for the update and when you can or feel like it,keep us posted! You are in our thoughts.
"To have life in focus, we must have death in our field of vision." Benedictine monk John Main |
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Lainey
True Blue Farmgirl
2401 Posts
Elaine
Waco
Kentucky
USA
2401 Posts |
Posted - Mar 12 2008 : 07:26:59 AM
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Julia, so good to hear from you and that Aria is feeling better and playing. I love that picture of Aria, she has a sweet spirit and beauty that just shines from her. Sending hugs and love to you all.
Farmgirl Sister #25
http://countrygirldreams.blogspot.com/ |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Mar 12 2008 : 2:20:25 PM
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Julia,
So glad to hear from you and your email creates pictures in my mind. Your writing style is beautiful and flowing. Glad to hear Aria is behaving like a 4 year old again. Thinking of you.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Mar 12 2008 : 4:33:24 PM
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| Aria's pic looks just like you describe her!! So glad things seem to be on track. Hope you all get to enjoy some time away & know we all think of you everyday with good thoughts. |
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vintagegrl
True Blue Farmgirl
280 Posts
Jeanette
NH
USA
280 Posts |
Posted - Mar 12 2008 : 8:43:36 PM
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| What a beautiful little girl! My thoughts are with Aria and your family, glad to hear she's feeling a bit better. |
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Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Mar 17 2008 : 12:15:09 AM
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Julia,
Thanks for sharing, whenever you get a chance I so look forward to hearing from you and how your family is doing. A thread in the weaving.
listening to the quiet moments
Farmgirl #39
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
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createmyworld
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
Beth
Akron
PA
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Mar 28 2008 : 7:17:22 PM
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Julia,
I have not been on MJF lately for more than a few brief visits and scant replies here and there... today I finally made the time to read a little further. Checking on your family was on the top of my "to look for" list. I was glad to see another post with an update from you. Your precious Aria, and your whole family, continue to be in my daily thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much for taking the time to send me one of the beautiful spin art cards that Aria and Rio made. I love it, and it is displayed in my "studio" art/craft room to brighten my corner of the world! Thanks for sharing and updating all of us on your family. Sending out lots of love, good vibes, thoughts, hugs and tons of prayers for Aria, you and the rest of the family--- |
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Family Matters: Forgive Me! |
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Forgive Me!
