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Family Matters:  my little boy's daddy gone to war  |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 6:37:32 PM
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Anyone else have a young child whose parent has gone to war?
My son is only 7 years old and understands that he hasn't seen daddy in about 6 weeks and now is crying missing him.
I do the best I can but it hurts of course. We are divorced so didn't all live together but Danny spent just about every weekend with him. I don't believe in a parent talking bad about the divorced parent so I teach him to admire and respect his dad.
How do we explain war to a young child?
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 6:41:26 PM
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I don't even know, Linda. I don't think they can comprehend the evils and the pain of any war, let alone one that their daddy is fighting in. Of course that little thing misses him. Is there a way to do one of those teleconferences with him on the computer sometime? I know that a friend of mine did that with her husband (he's in Afghanistan, though)...where the kids can actually "see"....
Gosh, I just hate it and I feel terrible. Just keep him busy and let him talk, cry, smile about daddy.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 6:48:28 PM
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He is going to Afganistan within a few weeks...in Ft Bragg training now. He calls and talks to Danny every few days. Danny and he say I love you and talk for only a couple minutes then he's off to play. He is taught he will see dad next Christmas, but he doesn't realize how far away that is.
When he gets hurt or sick or very angry is when he crys for daddy.
I won't let him play with guns because I don't think it is a game. It is really hard to know what a child understands and he is at least a year delayed too.
We are hoping to keep in touch the best we can.
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 7:09:48 PM
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What if you did something like this: when I was little my daddy was gone almost 8 months out of the year working. We talked on the phone occasionally, but not often. My mom had a jar (I think it was an old cookie jar) and one day, she sat down with me and asked what I would want to do if Daddy was home...now, it's different in your circumstance, but what if you asked him what he wants to do with daddy (like, go biking, or go fishing, or something that "boys" do)....well, we would actually "do" those things, and mom would take a picture or have someone take a picture of us (polaroids were great!) and she would send it to him in a card. With today's technology, you could have do it via email easily. Even though you're doing these things with him, and it's not "daddy", he can still be close to him--and daddy can comment on them, too, and you can keep him stimulated and hoping when Daddy returns.
It really made my childhood a little easier, Linda...I was a daddy's girl, and I missed him desperately. He always wrote me a letter addressing the photo and asked questions about it and said, "when I get home..." and it meant the world and gave me something to "count down" to....
I just hate it, and he's going to hurt for awhile...I'm not a fan of guns, but I don't see that letting him play is a big deal. You, afterall, have an "adults" version of war and also, some emotional connection. Divorced or no, you did share your life with this person. Those mature emotions aren't there for him yet--he just knows he can't see daddy.
I'm really thinking of you...I'm hoping you're ok, too :)
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 7:24:56 PM
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Could you, in addition to the great sounding advice that Jonni has given, let him know that Daddy has gone to help protect him from some bad men and also to help protect other children who don't have daddies to protect them? Maybe if he feels like Daddy is doing something for him, and if he can be proud of it, then it will help a bit?
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
Edited by - Alee on Feb 08 2008 7:25:39 PM |
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joyfulmama
True Blue Farmgirl
1175 Posts
Debra
Silver Springs
NV
USA
1175 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 7:38:19 PM
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I agree with Alee. does he had any camo clothes.. so that he could dress like daddy and protect you like daddy is protecting everyone else? then he could be proud of daddy and himself- and daddy could share with him how proud he is that he protecting mommy
Blessings, Debra
Psalms 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want."
http://myvintagehome.blogspot.com
http://woolieacres.net |
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Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 7:40:23 PM
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You probably already have, but you could show him maps or a globe of where he is going and maybe search on the internet information about Afganhistan, so he can see pictures.
Maybe when he really misses him have him pick things out for a care package or make things for his Dad to put in it.
That's such a hard thing to deal with. My in-laws used video cameras alot and sent "movies" back and forth all the time. Their kids were still babies though so they wanted to make sure that they knew who daddy was, when he got home.
It sounds weird, but when my mom would leave me over night when I was little I liked sleeping with one of her shirts. Maybe something like that could help?
http://diaryofafarmerswife.blogspot.com/ |
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl
4687 Posts
Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 8:03:53 PM
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You could by him a large map and put a flag where Daddy is and where he is and then do things like asking him about the other countries around him.
DH taped Charlie's favorite book on video. We also did things like couting or life lessons.
Make sure you take pics everyday and make a "cd" collage- let him help.
Letting him draw and write will let him get out the frustration.
Get in touch with a local military facility, they have a lot of family help to offer.
Wishing you the best...hang in there...And Thank you to him for serving!!!
Cheers,
Heather
FARMGIRL #90 |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Feb 08 2008 : 8:25:47 PM
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when I taught kindergaren I had a girl whose step dad was in Iraq. This was is 2003. There were days when we didnt get much done and I would just have to sit and hold here while she cried. I would have her draw pictures of him and for him and so would the whole class and then we would mail them to him. Instead of ignoring him or not talking about him so we "didnt think about it" I encouraged her to talk. This really seemed to help her. She is in 4th grade now and I have her in art class. We still have a really special bond.
Farmgirl Sister #17
Blog
www.willowtreecreek.wordpress.com
Felt and Fabric Crafts
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 01:17:01 AM
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Lots of good ideas. I can use the map idea. I was thinking about asking his teacher to also do something with the class. Alf just sent Danny a letter and had a page with all his Army buddies signed it! We have it on the refridge..Danny still doesn't act like his understands, but I was really touched. Alf said the guys enjoyed doing that.
Yes, it does affect me too but not as much as it would have years ago. I guess it's like having a good friend now.
We draw pics, write letters and I send pics to him. Danny made 2 different Valentines and sent them at different times.
It seems there are things I can do to help Alf keep in touch. We pray for him everyday.
I haven't tried to explain war or what the soldiers do, but he will ask questions I am sure. Danny has a tendency towards nighmares and I am careful not to give him scary ideas.
Julie, your story is so sweet. I wish his school was more compassionate. They get angry and frustrated with him for behavior problems and call me to come pick him up sometimes.
We are taking him often to a therapist who has worked with children for a long time. I am hoping to learn from him also.
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 06:31:01 AM
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Good ideas ladies. Hubby has been to Iraq twice and is looking at a third go round --- the kids were 13,10,9,3 the first time;15,12,11,5 the second time and will be 18,16,14 & 8 if he deploys this summer.
The map one flag where Daddy is and one where he is with a heart in between and lines connnecting them --- you could make one now for Ft. Bragg and then another line when he gets to Afghanistan.
Children understand far more than we tend to give them credit for --- get a book on Iraq/Afghanistan, explain in simple terms why he is going over there (to make life better for those kids who truly have next to nothing, etc),explain that there are times when we must be willing to fight/stand up for those who can't (relate it to another child at school if you can) and that there are some things in life worth fighting for. You can check out books on famous American's such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, etc and talk about them.
Make a pillow or doll with Dad's photo on it for him to carry, give him a laminated photo of Dad/him and Dad to carry in his pocket,etc.
Don't be surprised if he acts up either or is angry this is normal -- tell him you wish Daddy was home/here too when he's upset. You can also make a chalkboard with the words My Daddy will be home in _________ days so he can count down the days (paint the edges camo or like a flag and put a teddy bear or other sticker on it).
Perhaps make an appt with the principal to go in and talk, offer to read a book to his class, show pictures and maps. Let Danny do show and tell with something Dad sends, pictures of Dad? Many civilian schools just have no clue how to deal with the military, or how much it affects the kiddos on a daily basis. Have Dad send a video for the class, have the class send letters/packages after the video so they have a face for some soldiers! Explain that even if war is bad, there are some things worth fighting for and we still need to support our troops, offer to set up a toy drive for the class to send school supplies and toys for the children where he's at, things like that. Show them that the soldiers aren't bad people and talk about propaganda on our liberal media's end and that good things are happening over there too!
See if there is a wives group in your area that you can get together with (his unit FRG,Chapel groups, or start one!)
Oh and don't be to hard on the war/gun play as it's his way of acting out what is going on with Dad. It truly will NOT warp him for life. (myho and experience).
blessings,
Holly
ps.... ask his Dad to look at clothing sales for a child's uniform for him they should have them there.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
http://timsarmywifey.blogspot.com
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Edited by - ArmyWifey on Feb 09 2008 06:46:29 AM |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 06:34:41 AM
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no advice, linda, just lots of love going your way.
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/ |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 06:54:59 AM
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About 2 years ago he was in Iraq the first time, but Danny boy was only 5 years old and doesn't remember. We got him an authentic uniform just his size and he wore it alot. I got a portrait done with him wearing it...very cute. Now he's outgrown it but it was a good idea. Keep the ideas coming. Making the apt. with principle is a good idea...he knows Danny boy well now because of the problem behavior, but I haven't really talked to principal just he and I.
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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bboopster
True Blue Farmgirl
1140 Posts
Betty Jo
West Bend
Wisconsin
USA
1140 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 09:45:16 AM
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Oh Linda my heart goes out to Danny and you. My three boys take turns deploying and I as an adult have a hard time with it. I also applauded you for teaching him to respect his father even though you and him are not together. Divorce is so hard on children and the fighting between their parents makes it harder. Holly has great advice and much experience. My sons hooked me up with a web cam with sound that has been a great help when I need to just see or hear them. The quality is not great but better then nothing. IMing is also helpful when I need to talk even though it sometimes is hours apart for answers. Danny should be able to write a message and send or maybe you can do it for him. I would be careful with putting a time on when he will see his daddy, ie Christmas, as I have learned the Army says one thing and does another many times and Danny will be even more hurt and angry if Christmas comes and Daddy does not. I have also learned that Military personal LOVE to communicate with others here in the states. So maybe you can help the school to communicate with Danny's dad and buddies. Maybe do a drive to send them Valentines, letters, movies or other items they may need. Maybe video a school concert or play for them. Get the parents group at school involved also. There is always someone who has or knows someone deployed and willing to help. Danny's behavior I think is very normal for a child his age trying to deal with what life has dealt him. Is there a male in your or Danny's dad's family that would maybe step in and do some guy stuff with him. Boys sometimes need to just hang with older males. Even though we as mom's try we just can not always fill the male spot. Is there a group near by of other children of deployed military personal that you could join and take Danny to. Maybe you could start one. My oldest son also gave me a simple pin of a yellow ribbon with an Army symbol dangling on it. I wear it everyday. Maybe you could get one for Danny and yourself so he would have a visual and others would see and ask about it. Danny would see your support too. Many people ask my about mine strangers included. Then I can tell them why I wear it. Telling other and talking helps me. I give you lots of credit, hugs and prayers for being so involved and taking the time to keep Danny in touch with his father while he is away. Holly the same for you. I am just a military mom(I am also a divorced mom of 5) and I know how hard it was and is on me at times. But to have your spouse or child's parent deployed I can only imagine the strength you most have. I thank and applauded all Military families. May God being them home safe to their families.
http://www.bboopster.blogspot.com
3 Blue Star Mother and Proud of it!
Pray for our troops to come home safe and soon.
Enjoying the road to the simple life :>) |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Feb 09 2008 : 10:18:28 AM
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dear linda, my heart goes out to you and your son and his dad at what seems to be a very difficult time. i was inspired by all the suggestions from the other girls here, and think they are wonderful. if you decide to do the pillow project and need some advice on how to do that, i think i could help out with that, or if you email me a pic of his dad i could probably just make it for you, if you think that would be helpful.
in the meantime, sending out prayers and thoughts to you, and as the ex-spouse of a service man, and mom of a serviceman's son, i really thank YOU for your service to our country.
BIG HUGS coming your way.
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
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queenofdreamsz4u
True Blue Farmgirl
3845 Posts
Stephanie Suzanne
Smoky Mountains Tennessee
USA
3845 Posts |
Posted - Feb 12 2008 : 9:35:06 PM
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((((((hugs and love)))))) to you and Danny boy!
Stephanie
"Idealists…foolish enough to throw caution to the winds…have advanced mankind and enriched the world." ~ emma goldman
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MereOnceMoore
Farmgirl in Training
33 Posts
Meredith
IL
33 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2008 : 2:43:36 PM
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My husband just got back from an 18 month deployment. It sounds like you've gotten some great advice. One of the things we did was create our own "duty station" it was a bulletin board in the living room with a map and we'd post all the letters or drawings he sent (he sent drawings so my daughter who is too young to read could intrepret for herself a message from daddy). We also would check the weather where he is and so on.
I also made a paperchain and we'd take links off for each day.
Originally it wrapped around the downstairs...it was depressing and daunting at first, but by the end it helped to build more and more excitment as we took each link off.
We also had a daddy doll made. you can find them at daddydoll.com
Kinda nice to have something to hug.
Best wishes to you and your boy. And his daddy too.
Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours. |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2008 : 4:03:08 PM
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thanks Meredith..great ideas! I talk about him everyday and lately Danny boy cries at least once a day saying he want's his daddy.
I looked at the daddy dolls and they are expensive and it looks like they had to have a whole pic of daddy. I am thinking about putting a pic of them together on a pillow for him. T shirt material would make a nice pillow, don't ya think? I also thought about somehow making a daddy doll with Alf's face on a pic of generic soldiers body...Danny wouldn't be able to tell because he is too young.
You gals are all so supportive and helpful!
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
Edited by - yarnmamma on Feb 14 2008 08:57:58 AM |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Feb 13 2008 : 9:25:45 PM
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linda, you may already know this but if you have a printer you can transfer pictures on fabric with a printer and then iron transfer it onto fabric. i just use the transfer from the walmart in the computer section that is made for t-shirts, but it will transfer on cotton, etc. if you need help figuring this out just email me, ill be happy to help.
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2008 : 05:57:27 AM
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Hi Frannie, this computer won't work with a printer...I've tried but keep hearing that I need a new version of Window.
Anyway don't have a printer. I'm probably going to a T shirt shop and take my pic. I sure hope he likes it!
Alf still calls every few days and talks for a minute to Danny boy. He is still in Ft Bragg but leaving for Afghanistan in a few days.
Danny boy cries just about everyday now for his daddy.
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2008 : 06:15:32 AM
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Another thought -- the book Deployed but not Disconnected has some great ideas on how to stay connected while they're gone. Might have something that would click with Danny that Dad hasn't even thought of! Heroes at Home and WHile they're at war are great too both written from a spouse perspective but still might be of help. When Duty Calls is more about making sure you/he has all your ducks in a row (easier to do BEFORE he leaves the States) so you might want to check on that --- I know it's hard with little one but you need to ask Alf who he has listed as beneficaries on his er form, for life insurance, where his will is, who gets custody/guardanship of Danny, what type of funeral he wants etc. Much of this would be handled by his parents or signifigant other but much would also effect you.
Blessings,
Holly
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
http://timsarmywifey.blogspot.com
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yarnmamma
True Blue Farmgirl
4247 Posts
Linda
Clarks Summit
PA
USA
4247 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2008 : 09:02:49 AM
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Yes, he did take care of his will, etc and sat down to tell me about it. Danny and I will be well taken care of. His mother is doing most of that for him. He is re-married and his wife has some info.
Thanks for the book suggestions. I'll go look at them now at Amazon!
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May we always be in thankful contemplation of God who presides over us all.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
farmgirl #71 Linda in PA |
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frannie
True Blue Farmgirl
2246 Posts
fran
bonham
texas
USA
2246 Posts |
Posted - Feb 14 2008 : 09:11:48 AM
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linda, you really are in my thoughts and prayers, my middle daughter will be coming home in april from new york. her husband was also deployed to afghanistan while he was in the military. as i said they will be getting out and returning home in april. they have two little boys who are under the age of 5 and i know it was hard on them to suddenly not have their dad there.....and of course the person who lives with that everyday is the mom.
i will continure to send hugs your way for you and your son.
love
fran
(http://farmfolks-frannie.blogspot.com/) |
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Family Matters: my little boy's daddy gone to war |
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my little boy's daddy gone to war
