| Author |
Family Matters:  Hubby problems  |
|
|
babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 10:58:18 AM
|
I didn't know where to post this but thought family matters was a good place. I just need someone to complain to right now and knew that you girls would be here to listen. Our marriage is way down in the dumps right now and I am about to pull my hair out. Let me see how to explain...
We have been married almost seven years and all through the marriage my husband hasn't been very affectionate but I figured that was just him. Well, it gets even worse during pregnancy and it's not like these pregnancies were "complete surprises". Last I knew he was there when the baby was conceived!  Anyway, he hasn't touched me for the past few months and we don't kiss or hug or anything. I don't even want to at this point because I am mad. He is the type that if I am upset about something that he did/didn't do he doesn't want to talk about it. I always hear "I don't want to fight, it's my weekend off or my evening off or I have to go to work tomorrow." When all I wanted to do is talk but then when he starts off on the excuses of why he doesn't want to "fight" I do start to get mad. So I have all this unresolved anger and it keeps getting piled up. I don't find him to be a very honest man and that makes me angry too - I know he is not cheating or anything but I can never believe what he says.
I don't even know what to say or do at this point. I am tried of doing everything on my own and having more of a roomate situation. I literally feel like I am not married at this point as I don't have that partner to turn to or share things with. Even the few times we go out to eat or something we sit there quiet with not a thing to talk about. Do you girls have any advice, or at least some prayers to throw my way? Thanks!
-Elizabeth |
|
|
Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 11:02:21 AM
|
Golly. I could have written that - word for word - four years ago. I am sorry you have to live this way. I'll send lots of prayers your way!
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
 |
|
|
Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 11:10:00 AM
|
Also Elizabeth, get counseling. With or without him. A minister, a therapist, any kind of counselor will be better than keeping it in.
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
|
|
queenofdreamsz4u
True Blue Farmgirl
3845 Posts
Stephanie Suzanne
Smoky Mountains Tennessee
USA
3845 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 12:04:44 PM
|
Some men have no communication skills (with a woman that is)  You need to look at how your communication was when you married him and affirm that he really has changed so you can isolate the new problem areas.
Make yourself a list of all of his good qualities and all of his not so good qualities...this will give you a genuine answer...it's very hard to face serious issues and know that every word that comes from your mouth is considered a "fight"....
You have to be married to your best friend in my opinion to have any form of a good marriage and we know what best friends talk about?? EVERYTHING!! LOL
I feel for you...been there, done it!! for over two decades before I finally got out. I'm now married to my best friend
(((hugs and love)))
Stephanie
"Idealists…foolish enough to throw caution to the winds…have advanced mankind and enriched the world." ~ emma goldman
|
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 2:50:59 PM
|
Doug and I went through a very similar phase like this a few years ago. It was so hard! The way I got through to him was writing a letter. I wrote down everything that was bothering me, how I needed him to be there for me and not just in the physical sense. I also told him how I was worried about our relationship and where things were going. It was hard to get him to talk, but the letter really opened the door. We talked our issues out (sometimes yelled) and it was a huge process. But I feel it was worth it because we have a stronger and more loving relationship today then ever before. *hugs*
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
PlumCreekMama
True Blue Farmgirl
730 Posts
Heather
Iowa
USA
730 Posts |
Posted - Feb 04 2008 : 7:24:10 PM
|
| I agree with Alee about writing him a letter. Maybe it will be easier for him to listen to what you are feeling if he can read it alone. My DH and I have gone through ups and downs throughout our relationship and still have bad moments, and we have been together 10 years. We have learned that we need to be able to talk about things though, and he has come a long way in communication. It won't happen overnight, though. Pregnancy makes things even worse. I always get oversensitive when I am pregnant, and DH is always at a loss. Pregnancy isn't very easy for men, either, even when it is planned. I hope things get better for you. |
|
|
|
queenofdreamsz4u
True Blue Farmgirl
3845 Posts
Stephanie Suzanne
Smoky Mountains Tennessee
USA
3845 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2008 : 12:40:33 PM
|
Letters are great! but only if they produce verbal communication..LOL I wrote my heart out and they never produced any good communication...but absolutely...writing may work for you..He may read and reread until he gets it..LOL
I do know that men take 10 times longer to process their emotions then women do..so it's no wonder couples have communication issues
Wishing you the best and a new leaf to be turned...everything has a season and part of the journey is about trying new things to receive a different result....
Here's a saying that is totally true...
The definition of Insanity is:
"Continuing to do the same things the same way and expecting a different result"
I see many marriages stuck in "Insanity"
((((hugs))))
Stephanie
"Idealists…foolish enough to throw caution to the winds…have advanced mankind and enriched the world." ~ emma goldman
|
|
|
|
BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2008 : 2:27:05 PM
|
no advice, elizabeth, i'm not one to give any right now. i just pray things get better for you. i know being lonely while in a relationship is a very sad place to be.
hugs, corrine
What we write today slipped into our souls some other day when we were alone and doing nothing.
-Brenda Ueland
http://quilandneedle.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2008 : 2:36:27 PM
|
There is for sure a problem there. Was he pretty interested in being intimate before? I agree with the others that you have to make a list and write down what is going on, is it way different than before? Or was he always this way emtionally and physically. Sometimes children do put a strain on a lot of marriages. Things really seem to change when they come along. Especially when they are little. Seeing a counselor is an excellant idea. Whether he wants to go or not. It will help you to sort things out and know what is right for you, what you can live with and what you can't. If he has always be quiet and not much of a communicator I doubt he will change in that department, I'll be honest that is one area I truly wish my husband was different, but, he has always been like that. He has gotten somewhat better with age, but he will never be a talker like I am.I do miss that. But, there are so many things that he is good at and we have so much in common so that helps even things out. It is worrisome that you don't find him a very honest man. If you can't believe a word he says how can you trust him ? You have many issues to tackle, I think the sooner you seek some help the better of yopu will be. Maybe things will come out that will give you insight into why he is the way he is, even if you are the only one to go, you can try and talk to him and see if he will open up some. Keep trying to talk to him, try very hard not to let anger take over and start yelling. Then he will shut down. Just stand you ground and tell him you really need to sit down quietly and talk things out. My prayers are with you Elizabeth, I hope I helped you a little.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
|
|
|
babysmama
True Blue Farmgirl
931 Posts
Elizabeth
Iowa
931 Posts |
Posted - Feb 05 2008 : 2:52:18 PM
|
Thanks for all the support and wise words. My hubby actually wasn't real imtimate or talkitive to begin with, so things haven't changed that much but maybe I notice them more from time to time. When I said he isn't a very honest man it comes down to a few times when he did or said something in order to weasel his way out rather than stand up and be a man and admit to what happened. He isn't a good liar though and I can always tell.
Basically, we sat down last night and talked and even yelled but I think we got a few things settled. I'm still not happy with the situation but I understand it more. Really, marriage is HARD work! Keep up the prayers and thanks for listening.
-Elizabeth |
|
|
|
Love-in-a-Mist
True Blue Farmgirl
367 Posts
Shannon
Independence
Oregon
USA
367 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2008 : 6:43:53 PM
|
Some advice I heard that has helped me, is understanding that men can literally only do one thing at a time and they are very slow to process. Which is usually the exact opposite of us women. It's hard for us to understand that. Sometimes it helps to warn your husband that you would like to talk at such and such time. Pick a time that is good for him too.
That way he can prepare himself and be ready to give you is undivided attention.
http://diaryofafarmerswife.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: Hubby problems |
|
Hubby problems
