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Across the Fence:  Kindness  |
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Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 02 2008 : 6:31:10 PM
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My mama always told me to "kill someone with kindness" if they weren't being so nice to me.
Well... I've been trying this tactic with my ex-husband and taking the high road and I think it just might kill ME!
I keep thinking one day it will pay off and then he does something else just for spite.
We have two little girls (4 and 6), so it's not like I can play down 'n dirty - they notice things all the time.
Has anyone else "been there, done that"?
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2008 : 9:21:48 PM
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yep! My oldest boy's dad and I divorced when they were 7 and 9. It was a nightmare for awhile. It DOES get better..and if you take the high road it will pay off for sure...just may be awhile. Men!!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Farmtopia
True Blue Farmgirl
1465 Posts
Zan
New York
New York
USA
1465 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2008 : 9:44:14 PM
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Wow Jennifer, I am sorry to hear that. I had a best friend who had this very issue. They had a child and I think for a long time she stayed because of this little girl. She spent, as she once told me "3 year longer than I should've" because of this, but her husband remained abusive (more verbally, and staying out all night) and the little girl ended up noticing, anyway, that the parent's weren't getting along, much as my friend wanted it to appear like "the perfect family." I think, in the end, she felt like she cheated herself, and her husband was not willing to work on the relationship in an adult way, where two people listen to each other and comprimise, a little.
Don't know myself, if this helps as I'm not in the situation, but I just thought I'd share.
~*~Dream all you dreamers~*~
View my work:
www.bigtownfarmer.com
www.pumpkinpatchparlor.etsy.com
And Blogs:
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www.queenofcrows.blogspot.com |
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sweetproserpina
True Blue Farmgirl
535 Posts
meg
Vinemount
Ontario
Canada
535 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 07:38:48 AM
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Jennifer, please keep it up! The fact that you're taking the high road is great. Hopefully, it will pay off, but in the meantime, I'm sure your kids appreciate it.
I'm coming at this from the other end. I'm the 'kid' that has been there and done that. My parents divorced over 15 years ago - very very messy and dirty. Even today they still despise each other, and let me know all about it :( I always take the high ground, I'm trying to rebuild relationships with both of them and focus on their positive attributes, but sometimes I want to throttle them!
I want to get married this year (we've given them all a couple years to get used to it..) but I've recently been told that if I invite both of my parents to my reception (no way in heck I'm having them at my ceremony) that they won't be able to control themselves and therefore may not come - and of course, that's somehow my fault.. My stepdad even tried to convince me to cancel it, or not invite my dad.. Geesh!
Jennifer, I know it's tough but you are doing a wonderful thing, your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you!
"Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world."
http://theprimroseway.blogspot.com/ |
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CabinCreek-Kentucky
True Blue Farmgirl
8529 Posts
Frannie
Green County
Kentucky
USA
8529 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 07:56:49 AM
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jennifer ... your momma's advice is wonderful. even if it doesn't "kill" or "win them over" .. THAT is not what is important .. what is important is to not 'lower yourself' and bring grief to yourself and those around you (especially those two precious angels of yours) .. by being unkind. REMEMBER .. they are looking at YOUR behavior and also at the behavior of their dad .. and learning from both of you.
you do NOT have to be a 'lay-down' .. but show your STRENGTH by remaining kind. xo, frannie
True Friends * Frannie
HEAR MY STORIES
come, visit my:
"GATHERING ROOM" ..
http://freedomvalleyfarm.blogspot.com
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http://sistermercysfoundlinhome.blogspot.com
treasures .. new and olde .. up for adoption:
http://mudpiemanormercantile.blogspot.com
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bohemiangel
True Blue Farmgirl
2087 Posts
Bridget
Ligonier
pa
USA
2087 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 08:09:36 AM
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OH my gosh it is so hard when people are rotten to you. It takes so much strength not to be nasty to nasty people! You are doing the RIGHT THING!!! Don't let him take you down. I'll pray for your strength and guidance. XOXOXO you are great Jennifer
**~~Farmgirl Sister #60~~**
"... to thine ownself be true."
http://liggygirl.blogspot.com/
http://liggygirlslonggreen.blogspot.com/
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Peanut
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jennifer
Waverly
Virginia
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 10:23:42 AM
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Thank you to everyone. I really appreciate your words and have taken them to heart.
"What is a farm but a mute gospel?"
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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kydeere40744
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
Jessica
Kentucky
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 10:53:03 AM
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I've always been told that kindness goes a long way. A person remembers those that were kind more than those that were rude. Even if you may disagree with someone or don't want to care for them anymore, kindness towards them helps them and yourself become a better person. I know of a lady down the road from us that was always known as the "old mean lady." Well I always was kind, wave when I drove by and even stopped to talk with her. Sometimes you never know why they do the things they do, but knowing that someone was kind to them can help someone.
Hugs and prayers for you Jennifer!!
~Jessica in Kentucky & Miss Wilma's Niece~
Gardening is a way of showing that you believe in tomorrow...
http://bluegrassprincess.blogspot.com/ |
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CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Feb 03 2008 : 12:09:52 PM
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I have always said to smile and be nice, it really catches meanies off guard. It kind of takes the wind right out of their sails you know? They don't know what to do. I love it.
MJ
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
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country lawyer
True Blue Farmgirl
1022 Posts
1022 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2008 : 07:16:36 AM
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| Jennifer, sounds like are doing exactly the right thing. His behavior will only hurt the kids in the long run. Yours will only benefit them. Keep up the good work. It will pay off. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2008 : 07:29:41 AM
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Agreed with all...especially Meggie...my dh has so many unresolved issues from his parents ugly marriage and even uglier divorce. Unfortunately, it can shape children in so many negative ways, and it resurfaces when you least expect it--he works his stuff out with a counselor now and again. He remembers that when he and his sister were toddlers, on their father's weekends to "have them", his mother would get them all dressed in the coats and with their little suitcases, ready by the door and he would never come. Of if he did, he came 2 or 3 hours later, after they'd had to take all their stuff off and sit watching by the window....it was to hurt their mother, not them...but it had the reverse affect. To this day, my husband still has a very "limited" relationship with both parents, even though they are now amiable and fairly close because of the grandchildren...I really commend you for getting it "out" here. In the long run, you're little ones will be the benefactors.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
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Linder
True Blue Farmgirl
592 Posts
Linda
Lake Forest
IL
USA
592 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2008 : 08:15:40 AM
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Wow Peanut, not a fun thing any way you look at it. Like Meg I have been the child involved too and it's a nightmare! And lucky me I am a divorced Mother of one as well so I gotcha from both angles.
Here's what I did, kind of radical but you know what? It worked.
My ex can be very verbally abusive. It doesn't matter what I say, he often "interprets" everything. So if it starts to get hairy I use these two conversation stoppers "You may be right" and "I'm sorry you feel that way". It works and I save myself a lot of energy.
Taking the high road doesn't mean you have to lay down and allow him to back the car up over you, it means that you come from a much cleaner place than him. It's ok to simply disengage and walk away. If there's nobody there to fight with...eventually there's no fight! Ahhh bliss!
And as far as the parent thing goes...My parents hated each other as well and my sisters and I went to great lengths to keep them seperated. I talked to my counselor about this one day and was told that my parents were big kids and that how they felt about each other was none of my business! Wow, was I hacked. But you know what? When my wedding came I told my parents that I loved them both and that I was inviting them both and if they had issues with each other, they were just going to have to work it out. Man, was I scared. But a miracle happened on my wedding day...they all behaved and I think it was because I put it all back on them. It really is their choice. They can show up and support you or they can choose to wallow in their crap. When I made it clear that I would ask them to leave if they started anything, everyone was golden!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom |
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La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Feb 06 2008 : 11:27:36 AM
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Peanut - I know where you're coming from. After my divorce my X would constantly threaten to redo our custody if I didn't do what he wanted. Not really the adult approach. And, for months I tried to accomodate. The last time he threatened me he wanted me to visit his therapist so we could "talk". I informed my X, in front of his therapist, that I would not be threatened with a custody battle anymore. If he wanted a battle he would get one and I hoped he had deep pockets , but I would not be playcating(sp)him anymore. His issues were his issues and not mine and I was not taking them on myself anymore. Needless to say, the therapist was not very happy with him.
That was the last time I have spoken to him. I don't talk bad or say nasty comments about him in front of DD. His relationship is with DD, if he chooses to have one, but ours is over. I spent too many years "taking the high road" and only got bashed in return, so I don't do that anymore. I am civil when we are at the same events, but that's it.
As long as they can get a rise out of you they will continue their behavior. You can only change the way you react to it, which may change the outcome. |
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Across the Fence: Kindness |
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Kindness
