| Author |
Family Matters:  Mother-in-law and Mom's 60th, UPDATE!!!!  |
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 8:37:21 PM
|
Ok, for those of you who responded, thanks for your suggestions--for those of you who said to me, "don't change plans with your mother"...well, you were RIGHT..we ended up taking Saturday for his mother, and Sunday for mine because he wanted me at his mother's dinner.
We were told that there were reservations at 6;00 at Prima Vista Restaurant. I've not been there, and it seemed like a nice place--not like OVERLY nice, but decent. Appetizers, nothing under $10.00, entrees, nothing under $20.00 and everything was a la carte, and the food was medicore at best. After ordering, it was clear that we were all paying for our own meals (4 couples), so I'm VERY glad that I didn't order something more expensive than the $22.00 pasta with red sauce that I ordered (What??????) NO meat, nothing but linguine and red sauce. After the tip, a glass of wine, a beer for dh and an appetizer that was supposed to be on my other MIL's bill (but who's going to argue), our bill totalled $113.00. I was just floored. Additionally, they had another reservation for the table, so the server was "efficient" and "curt" and couldn't wait for us to get up so he could make more money!
I'm thinking that if you're going to invite a group of people to dinner, shouldn't you pick a place that everyone could afford?
Then, to top it all off, my dh was up all night sick, throwing up the $113.00 dinner because even though he got chicken, the side pasta was doused in red sauce, and he ate it because his meal was $28.00....he felt like he had to  So, he didn't get any sleep, he felt lousy and then, to top it all off, he didn't feel well enough to come with me and MY mom to her birthday gathering and I was really angry. Ok, I was MORE than angry, but I just left it alone and made a note to myself that said, "no more special favors for his family."
Lesson learned. A very hard way.
Ok. HELP. I really like my MIL--she turns 60 this year, as does my mother. Unfortunately ALL of the birthdays are this month: MIL-18th. My mother, 25th, My FIL,26th. So, initially my SIL and OTHER MIL wanted to go in (all of us together--8 folks?) on an antique pie safe ($1000 and up)--apparently that's a really bad idea according to my Step FIL because they don't have any room for it. Now, we're supposed to go in on a diamond ring. Again, I love my MIL, but we don't have two nickels to rub together. On the other end of the spectrum, my mother requested to go to Winchester, Kentucky to go to this little restaurant that's been on the river for 50 years or more, and famous for their beer cheese--ummmm....diamond ring/beer cheese(making hands like scales)....I had already told my mom and my husband to plan on going on the 18th because my mother works full time and will be working the weekend of her birthday (the 25th/26th).
And then....this evening, I get an email from my SIL who says, "hey, I have an idea, let's try to push the weekend trip to the Biltmore estate for the weekend before Mom's birthday FOR her birthday (in like, 2 weeks????)-neither my SIL nor my MIL work--my Step MIL and I both do--and ALSO, we're making reservations at the Prima Vista for the 19th because it would be too busy rushing around on her actual birthday...so we picked Saturday instead. So, my mom is just out of luck, I mean, no matter what. I guess maybe Jus and I should just split the difference??? He spends dinner with his family and I take my mom to Winchester...at this point, I don't see any other way.
I really care for them, but they have NO idea how we live--that we don't make any money and that we're really struggling. They live totally different lives and we simply can't keep up with them...And, there's some frustration in that they don't seem to think of anyone ELSE...it's just about them, all the time--I don't mean selfish, I mean oblivious.
It's obvious that I have to nix the Biltmore trip suddenly scheduled for next week!!!! Any advice on the birthday drama?
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
Edited by - KYgurlsrbest on Jan 21 2008 08:08:42 AM |
|
|
sissysquilts
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
sissy
wa
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Jan 07 2008 : 10:03:33 PM
|
I would tell them, if it were me...." Oh I'd LOVE to do the Biltmore trip, maybe next year I can save up and go. I hope you'll take lots of pictures to share, I can't wait to see them when you get back! I'll go ahead and send along your birthday card early then, be sure to call when you get back and tell me all about the trip." then I'd take my mom to dinner and enjoy. Nobody wins when we try to "keep up", it's so great that you don't just automatically do it and cause yourself all that stress! *~*
Have a GREAT time with your mom and I hope you get it all worked out. Whatever you do, don't stress too much, life is too short and too wonderful for that! *~* In families it's the love that counts, not the other gifts :)
Sissy
"The good stars met in your horoscope. Made you of spirit,fire and dew"
Robert Browning |
 |
|
|
Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 12:38:01 AM
|
Jonni,
Go spend the time with your mom, I like how sissy put it for you sil and mil. Polite way to handle a difficult situation.
We are in the scrambling to make it catergory, so certainly do understand. Trust me there is a lot of obliviouos out there...lol.
Go enjoy and no guilt girl!!!!!
CS
listening to the quiet moments
Farmgirl #39
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 06:33:54 AM
|
I spoke with my husband about it this morning--he was a little ticked because he'd just been over to his mother's on Sunday, and told her (and my step FIL) that we were taking my mother to Winchester on the 19th, so he feels like they just bulldozed over our plans (and, my mother)...I don't think it's intentional. Like I said, they're somewhat oblivious, and it's not meant to be vicious. He said to make sure that I stress that my mother is working, because his mother is retired and we can do something with her at any time....
So, I emailed my sil--I told her that if she and my step mil wanted to get the trip together for going in the next week or so, I thought it was a great idea, except that I couldn't go--and that shouldn't stop them from doing it if they could. I explained that I had my ann. visit to the doctor (gyn--if you cancel, it's another freakin' year before you can get scheduled!) and that we are also moving my office two floors down by the end of the month, so I have a lot of organizing to do before then. I also explained that I already had plans for the 19th, and couldn't ask my mom to switch things around--if worse comes to worse, if the reservation was late enough (7:30 or so), and we got started early enough, we could come back from Winchester, drop my mom off and meet up for dinner--but I do resent having to put a time limit on our wandering.
We'll see. It's SOOO hard having multiple families!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 07:58:02 AM
|
Julie, if that was the way we operated, my poor MIL wouldn't even get a phone call...they're relationship has been strained for sometime, and I'm one of the reasons that they even communicate.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 10:00:13 AM
|
| I think your email sounds very reasonable. Considering that the birthdays are so close together, it makes sense for you to each celebrate separately with your moms if the plans conflict. Maybe you could help your husband arrange his plans and get the gift, but not be on the hook yourself for a personal appearance. I have many of the same problems with my husband's family (oblivious is definitely the right word!) I try to stay very calm and practical and not get caught up in the drama. Doesn't always happen that way, but I try... |
|
|
|
RachelLeigh
True Blue Farmgirl
635 Posts
Rachel
Rainier
WA
USA
635 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 11:06:38 AM
|
I can't give you advice on your particular situation - I can just tell you what we've done. Every Christmas, my SIL calls us and wants us to give her money to go toward an expensive ring. Every year, my husband tells her "Thanks, but we're doing our own thing." He doesn't want to go into details about our finances and at this point, really doesn't care if he hurts anyone's feelings or not. I just encourage you to be honest. I hate causing family drama but we're really not going to spend a lot of money on a ring that she doesn't need, considering right now, she wears 2-3 rings on EACH finger!!!
my personal site: http://thecatholicwife.weebly.com
my business website: http://www.backwoodsjunction.com |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 11:22:52 AM
|
Well, I just spoke with my mom, who, as expected said, "Jonni, we can do the things that we're doing on Saturday OR Sunday." I told her that I didn't think it was fair to have to switch up our already made plans and she said, "Look. His mother and his family are the way they are, and I'm totally different--I just want to spend time with you guys and have nice supper at Hall's"...So, she's making me take her on Sunday so as not to interfere with his family's birthday gala.
I love my mom.
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
lilyblossom
True Blue Farmgirl
416 Posts
Donna
Evansville
IN
USA
416 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 3:37:08 PM
|
Jonni, your mother is a jewel! Give her lots of hugs and kisses for her birthday along with the dinner at Hall's.
Donna...transplanted southerner, farmgirl #86 |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 08 2008 : 7:55:29 PM
|
I know, Donna, right? When I explained why we might not be able to get together on the 19th to Justin's family, they acted like I've never mentioned that her birthday is the same month, let alone it's also her 60th....Gosh!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
La Patite Ferme
True Blue Farmgirl
623 Posts
Jenn
CA
USA
623 Posts |
Posted - Jan 09 2008 : 9:49:45 PM
|
Jonni, it's totally impolite for them to expect you to change already made plans. Tell them you've already made plans with your mom for that day. Then launch into what Sissy said. Your DH has a right to be pissed and your mom is just trying to protect you from the other side of the family. In actuality your mom will be very hurt if you do go.
Don't feel pressured to overspend on the gift just to keep up. It's actually very thoughtless and presumptous on their part not to find out if you can afford to go in on a gift. Do a gift on your own that is heartfelt and meaningful. For my parents 50th DD and I gave them a very nice photo of the two of us in a really nice frame. They love it.
After reading all these posts and some on another topic I've decided there's an epidemic of manipulative people out there. |
|
|
|
a rose
True Blue Farmgirl
443 Posts
Linda
Waterford
NY
USA
443 Posts |
Posted - Jan 10 2008 : 07:10:30 AM
|
You know, I am a mil and I would be more than happy for dil and ds to spend time with her Mom on her birthday, and then make time to spend my birthday with me. What is wrong with making a birthday date with dh's Mom? It really isn't the gift or the party. It's the time you take to remember a very special person and share their birthday with them. Also I would be heartbroken if they took from their need to spend a big portion on a material gift.
Remember me as a rose. |
|
|
|
Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22941 Posts
Alee
Worland
Wy
USA
22941 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2008 : 08:21:52 AM
|
Aww Jonni- I am so sorry that both of your outings were not as happy as you had wanted them to be. I hope Jus starts feeling better soon.
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
Please come visit Nora and I our our new blog:
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2008 : 11:43:30 AM
|
Jonni
That is the pits. I know what you mean about Prima Vista.. Great view, but it ends there. I went there on a 1st date about 15 yrs ago (with a fairly well to do guy that drove some big ole luxury car-big turn off for me & my love of the smaller type cars, plus all he could say all night was, "I'm having a really good time" & I spent the whole night missing my Great Dane Sydney)OK sorry, off topic, but I distinctly remember having bow tie pasta & red sauce & being thoroughly bored(the food & date both)
So sorry Jus is having to "rent" his food. Do you know his blood type? My aunt follows that diet religiously & I know there is one tpye that should avoid tomatoes.. Type B I think. I can check for you if you want. |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2008 : 12:04:17 PM
|
I'm glad you remember it the same way, Lisa...sorry about the date, though...I'd be very interested in that diet, Lisa. I'm not sure about his blood type--it would be on his birth certificate, right? I'll go home and check and let you know. It's making things pretty rough on him both lack of sleep and lack of food because after being sick, the last thing on earth he wants to do is eat, so he's losing weight and I can't have that. He's already too small!!!
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl
2899 Posts
Lisa
Georgetown
OH
2899 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2008 : 12:37:32 PM
|
Jonni
The book is called "Eat Right for Your Type" I think, they also have "Cook Right for Your Type"
Most of us are type "O"s & the O diet is similar to the Cave Man, or Atkins diet. I have the book somewhere, & will try to dig it out.
PS.. Hope you & your mom had a good time. When are you going to see miss wilma?? |
|
|
|
Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2008 : 1:26:51 PM
|
I think your situation comes under the heading: 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished'. I've only recently come to understand and completely internalize the meaning of this old saw.
Farmgirl Sister #50
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?"
'Br.Dave Gardner' |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2008 : 1:30:04 PM
|
I think you're right, Janice. I literally said out loud in between tears and cuss words. "Lesson to self..."
Farmgirl Sister #80, thanks to a very special farmgirl from the Bluegrass..."She was built like a watch, a study in balance ... with a neck and head so refined, like a drawing by DaVinci"...
NY Newsday sportswriter Bill Nack describing filly, Ruffian.
http://www.buyhandmade.org/ |
|
|
|
Carol Sue
True Blue Farmgirl
4033 Posts
Carol Sue
Washingtonian
USA
4033 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2008 : 11:18:18 PM
|
Ahhhh Jonni,
That so majorly sucks, and it isn't like you had that money to spend in the first place. Next time sweets, go by your first gut instinct, it is usually right. Learned that one the hard way too.
It wasn't one lesson it took many.
Hugs girlfriend
Carol Sue
listening to the quiet moments
Farmgirl #39
www.Quitemoments.blogspot.com |
|
|
|
CountryBorn
True Blue Farmgirl
1545 Posts
Mary Jane
New York
USA
1545 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2008 : 6:08:37 PM
|
Jonni honey, you have got to stop trying to please everyone else and do what you feel is right for you. It is impossible to make everyone happy and satisfied. If there is one thing I have learned it is that. All it does is run you ragged and make you anxious and upset. Plus in the long run you start really resenting those people. Your and your husband make the plans you are comfortable with and can afford and everyone else will have to adjust. If they don't, then that is their problem. Other people should not be making your decisions about what you want to do and if you can afford things. Only you can do that. Just be honest and say no, that doesn't work for us. It is a lot easier in the long run. Just my 2 cents! But it sure took me a long time to learn it!!
Mary Jane
There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. Freya Stark |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: Mother-in-law and Mom's 60th, UPDATE!!!! |
|
|
|
Mother-in-law and Mom's 60th, UPDATE!!!!
